Warning: This chapter contains an HBP spoiler.

Yana smiled, completely oblivious to the evil thoughts crossing Snape's mind.

"So, who would like to suggest a test subject?" asked Snape, smirking.

Everyone in the class, Yana included, raised their hands. Snape chose a name at random, careful not to choose one of the Sue's idiotic followers.

"Macmillan, what do you have for us?" inquired Snape, hoping that Ernie would catch on to his plan.

"Well, sir, I'm not sure, but how about a Mary Sue?" said he. Snape glanced at Yana.

"Why, yes, that is a wonderful idea. Who can find me a Sue?"

"Wouldn't the maker of the excellent potion be a good candid—" started Justin Finch-Fletchly, just as Millicent Bulstrode burst into the room.

"Sorry for interrupting, Professor," she started, when she saw the Potions Master's livid face, "but Professor McGonagall has got a Sue who thinks she's the professor's daughter."

Snape smiled. "Might as well have two test subjects," said he as he marched out of the room. "You will not move or speak while I'm gone," he hissed.

Yana yawned. When the door closed, she whooped and started belly dancing. Her gang of gazing boys watched in a trance. The rest of the class hissed at her to shut up and sit down.

"Oh come on, you wusses, afraid of little Snapey?" she said as she reached a particularly slutty part in her dance.

"More like afraid for you," snorted a Ravenclaw.

"No way, I'm all for it. Dance on, my little swan," said another. "When he comes in and sees her, he'll just want her to have an even more painful death. It'll be fun," he whispered to his appalled friend.

A few minutes of painful belly dancing later, a harassed-looking Snape came in carrying the unconscious body of a BritneySpears!Sue. She had a very short skirt and a shirt revealing all of her curves-in-all-the-right-places. Her closed eyes showed the heap of mascara she had painted on her eyelashes. Her lips were so red that if a Daltonian were to look at them, they'd be as green as freshly mown wet grass; she had four-inch high heels, and no respect whatsoever for the Hogwarts dress code.

Snape stopped dead at the sight of he dancing Yana, who seemed oblivious to everything but her enchanted gazers and her dance.

"Why the hell," roared Snape, a roar that could easily scare a mouse away from the largest bowl of cheese fondue, "are you dancing in my classroom? And while we're on the subject of rhetorical questions, why do you exist?"

Yana walked up to him, her nose a foot from his, and said, "I'm an original, well-thought-out character. I can dance. I was entertaining the class while you were gone fetching this Sue," she said the last word scornfully, as though a Mary Sue was as evil as a Draught of Painful Death, which it was; but unfortunately she was a Sue too, so she couldn't really think that a Sue is bad because she's one too.

Again, Snape heroically (and painfully) forced a convincing smile and said, "Yes, I do hate Sues, they are so annoying. Maybe we can use this one as a test subject?"

At that, Snape uttered the counter-curse and the Sue awoke in his arms. Snape immediately let go, and muttered, "Scourgify!" pointing his wand at his arms and hands.

"Omg hi Sevvie! U woke me up! I luv u," and suddenly Snape became frighteningly beautiful. His face was pure white, his long, silky black hair flowed behind him and his nose was miraculously straight.

"Oh Valeria, how I love you. You were meant for me," he purred as he took her into his arms.

"OH MY GOD! YOU BITCH! YOU STOLE MY SEV FROM ME!" snarled Yana, and a Sue-fight commenced. They threw weak insults at each other, and were often interrupted by Hot!Snape: "Oh, no, please stop, Val, you don't need to, I can kill her, she is insulting you, my darling!"

"Holy crap, what happened to Snape?" tittered the class.

"It's the BritneySpears!Sue, she warped his character!" said a smart person.

"I think we need to kill her," concluded another.

"Both of them," said an unusually short girl.

"And Snape, while we're at it," nodded Ernie.

Hannah Abbott stood up and pointed her wand at Yana. "Petrificus Totalus!" she shouted.

Valeria cheered, "Thankz girl! U helped me out! Ill tell Sevvi hear 2 giv u a good grade!"

Ms. Abbott sunk back into her chair, rocking back and forth in horror.

Dumbledore, who was of course aware of all the goings-on in the school, burst into the room.

"O noes! I 4got 2 warp Dumbeldor!" cried Valeria, but the Suethor could not type fast enough to kill Dumbledore's character.

"Avada Kedavra!" he cried, and the BritneySpears!Sue fell to the floor, motionless.

Snape's grotesque features and personality reappeared.

"Aw, I liked him better when he was hot," whined a girl from the back of the classroom.

"Wha—what—why—what the hell happened?" cried Snape as he looked at the dead Valeria.

"I aided you in your time of need, you bastard, even though you killed me once," said Dumbledore, "well, at least now I have my third Horcr—I mean, at least there's one less Sue," he added hastily.

"I wanted to poison her," whined Snape, "Ohh, I get it," he added as he saw the petrified body of Yana on he floor.

"No hard feelings?" grinned Dumbledore.

"None at all. Would you like to see what happens when Suethors make their character so perfectly smart that it makes a flawless Draught of Painful Death in Potions class?" inquired Snape.

"Gladly," answered the Headmaster.

Snape pointed his wand at Yana and she sprung back to life.

"OMG YOU GUYS SUCK! I CANT BELIEVE YOUD PETRIFY ME! AND I HERD U LIKED MY POTION! THANX!"

Dumbledore made a swishing motion with his wand and Yana's voice fell to a whisper.

"Omg, you have the nerve to devolumise me! I can do it myself, thank you! I was mad so I yelled! So what! You are a bad headmaster! You should have more patience!"

And she pointed at herself and her voice went back to normal.

"Ugh, that wandless crap really makes me want to hurl," said Cho Chang sensibly.

Snape led Yana over to her cauldron and said, "Open wide."

Yana, being the smart girl that she was, crossed her arms and laughed.

"Oh Sev, I love your sense of humor! You'd think you want to kill me!" and she fell into his arms. The professor, horrified, quickly force-fed her quite a bit of the potion.

"AHHHHHGHGHGHGDASGJFFFFFFFFASYUG!" screamed Yana. "AHDFGDYFGD! I'M IN PAIN! AHAGDWYDU! I LOVE YOU SEV! I'M VOLDERMORT'S DAUGHTER! ARGHGgfhsdfjjlpkjhklkl;lgtgdsah," her voice faded away without the help of Dumbledore's wand. At last, writhing and screaming, she stopped shrieking. And then she died.

Meanwhile, a young twelve-year-old girl was cutting herself in the Slytherin dormitory, letting cascades of blood fall on the floor, much to the disgust of the other Slytherin girls. She wore countless spiked bracelets and collars, a rather bright blue, red, and green tie that clashed terribly with her very revealing dark red tube top and her gargantuan black nylon pants, which were adorned with far too many pockets and chains. Her blond-and-black hair made her look like a skunk that was obsessed with Evanescence too much for its own good. The soles of her shoes were about five inches high.

And don't get me started on her makeup.

How she got there, no one knew. Apparently the Suethor had been too lazy to write an origin for her.

Poor Sue, it had no idea what awaited it in this lovely school of magic.