Ch 13
Ron awoke, pissy and strong. He looked around, , and this is what he saw.
Picture this: PNW, smell like dog. Cloudy and some starfish are around. Or is that an ass? Hole. Everyone's got a starfish.
"Where bloody 'ell am I? Harry? Hermione? Where's the litter box
He heard this in the distance: watch?v=kvznYJEFh1w
(A common method cybercriminals use to hack into people's computers is to send them emails with malicious links. People are tricked into opening these links because they appear to come from someone or something they know and trust. DO NOT click links u don't trust ok?)
But this link is ok so go ahead. Watch it. See what it is, fucker.
The nice island jams were really goin off and it made the vibe good. Ron pulled out his anal beads and wiped them clean on a kleenex, and then lifted them up to see which direction they were pointing according to the Erth's magnetic field–someting he learned from Zak Bagans.
"I'm not in Blooddy ol' Englend NEmore! I believe I'm in the ol' bloodyol Forks, Washington!"
Just as he said that, a big, big, big, hot, warm, huge wolf appeared and came on him from 10 feet away, but with human seed. So if it were to inmpregnate Ronald, he would have a human child. But enough about that.
The wolf, once satiated, then dragged ron at least 700 yards away to his human-wolf sex hybrid den, where he did lots and lots and lots of things. Such as making a nice ravioli dish, and knitting a sweader. Ron, a mere human, was pale and soggy (British) and was grateful to be in such a cozy lil den.
The wolf did some wacky stuff, and did some wacky tobaccy, and became human in front of Ron's eye! Ron only had one good eye. The other was out.
So, flash forward 4 years, give or take. Ron is now a full-fledged member of the pack. He's the beta of the group, I mean cmon, the guy can't even turn into a werewoof for Christs's sake! He also has trouble typing, and to be a werewoof, you need to be able to type at least 5 words per minute. But the other guys just loved 'im. He was a runt, but he was THEIR runt. They OWNED his ass.
Ron loved his new life. He damb near forgot his old dumb ass stupud fuck shit hole friends, Harry, who by the way are we going to not talk about how he totally killed Ron? I mean..talk about tocix. But he did at elast have one small trinket. A token, really. Hell, it wasn't much. But it was enough to get him through the hard nights. Even though it was small, but he loved it. The fact that it was small made him love it a little less than how much he could have loved it, but he loved it nonetheless. Y'see, he sometimes woke up in the dead of night and realized just how small it was, which made him sweat and get all discouraged. But it's allright to be little bitty, a little hometown in a big ol' city. Like Jesus Christ. Jesus was little bitty once. Anyway it was locket with a photo of Harry in it on one side, and a photo of Harry's orange tree ass in the other. It was enchanted bc he was a wizard, so the orange tree was swaying in the breeze a bit. He could smell it. Poo poo whiffed his nostrils, carressing.
Jesus Christ was 30 years old when he died.
Ron was a bit sleepy so he decided to sleep. He had to wake up bright an early for the 3AM hustle that was Jehovas Whitness church, and then go to his first day at Forks high school. He was held back for 4 years bc of Stockholm Syndrome. The werewooofs were Witnessas of Jehova so they were devout about their religion. The werewoof lineage goes back as far as Jehova goes, and they are deeply, deeply intertwined, and they also coincidentally have deep vein thrombosis, which is honestly unfortunate, as they are not allowed to have blood transfusions. It's sad for them.
Ron had a pore of winer that was really bothering him, also. His weimaraner, Jacob, was there, heeling anxiously with his shiny and sharp dog buttocks. Buddox. Sometimes Jacob the dog would pop balloons. They got up and joined the pack, who were already big and wolfy, no longer human-bodied. The wolves were wearing:
Jorts with padded hips, a sensible button-down decorated with a pickle jar on the torso, bible earrings, and a hat that said John Deer 3:16, and an umbrella attachment that covered all of them at once. You'd have to look at them from a 278-degree angle to notice that there was a mural painted on them of a library with a skull—a memento mori. They galloped towards the PE teacher, Ms Peenah, who was also an Elder of the church. She would make you stack cups for Christ, bike for Christ, even juggle scarves for Christ. She wore a clown nose most days as she led everyone in tight prayer, tightly. She said "ehyep" and "akyuck" a LOT. She my idol, and my pain.
The church was big and gay, in a rainbow kind of way. #pride. But it was also Jehova's Witness-y, so pretty beige and modest and not gay. It was an anomoly. They did the typcial JW church service: The boys (wolves) got low and checked themselves for period stains, because that is not allowed. Then they dug into the carpet really hard. Ron did the same but with his human fingernails. They bled, and he even bled out once or twice. He took out an axe for good measure, just in case he needed to kill during the service.
Next, they all drank welche's four loko Grape pissy fizz for kidz, Piss Loko with added pheremones and no added sugar, unless…you count the 25 grams of sugar we added, which are naturally occurring, and the alcohol. It's for kids, but they were all 18+ for good measure. It was Ron's confirmation service today, so he had to read a page of IKEA ENKOPING assembly instructions to the entire congregation of werewooofs and others. He did so with flying colors, but beiger.
Ron was wearing a beautiful white dress, strapless, with red armpit hair to the ground. He technically wasn't a werewoof, but he did have a lot of hairy hairy father-like body hair. His big hair reminded him of his little hair, which, in turn, reminded him of little hairy Harry. Harry has little hair, but his name was Harry. Where did that little hair go? That little hair flew to and fro, upon Ron's brow, don't you know? Where oh where can Harry's hair be harried and carried high and low, but his little hair was on the go. HE SEARCHED UP HIGH AND HE SEARCHED DOWN LOW, BUT WHERE OH WHERE COULD THAT LITTLE HAIR GO? I know where, I'm aware of a mare, who has bountiful hair and gave me a scare. The hair of the hare went down and met the Mayor, who, in turn, got scared by the hare, who then said a prayer. The Mayor got scared by the prayer the little hare shared, so he prayed for some Nair, and a juicy fat pair, a pair of pears, and some balls. "
Ron's reading of the bible was really eloquent. I don't really know, I wasn't there. These are just historical records I've been translating for weeks on behalf of the historical society on Harry research. So.
The end.
Just kidding kind of. We took a few months break before writing this next part. Don't worry, we're fine. Don't worry abut us. We're gonna be okay. NO SOD OFF we are ok, we don't need that soup or healing bone broth or mushroom reishi activated symbiotic probiotic milky tit-like ointment you're trying to give us.
In the middle of the service, just as Ron was about to say step 4 of the ikea directions (the part where u do the quadratic equation) sudDENLY and full of soap suds Harry was there! And he looked a little hairy! And was a woman! He was in the litter box which I guess he figured out is a time machine. Right before everyone's eyes, the litter box transformed into a lil old rusty red truck, like how Bella has. And he was bella
So then what happened then was that all the wolfs came in with their attatchable furry tails (which were eerie in nature) and started to attack Harry (Bella) with their belly button hair. It was a lot like the ancient japanese art of shibari. Or better knows as sexxxxiii virginz rope in puss party ;). Um yea i dont know i jjust jumped in ahhh i wasnt ready to type. Ok holed on ill get ready here in just a second. Ok. here we go. The belly button hair, see, it has carabiners hardwired to the ends which, clipped on to harry's nipple loops and arm pit loops and calf loops much like in the hellraiser franchise where pinhead (the priest) is able 2 do such things, horrid acts of sexy anguish. My god. But really they just had to restrain poor harrier (bella) because he was getting too lit and they were in the middle of a church service i think. And also they wanted to harvest his sweat beads for the eucharist. And for Yu-Gi-Oh to sniff and ponder. Enough about that. Your move. Anyway "Heeeep we got ya, ya sexy witch of the towne, Bella. U have been the object of our wolfy desires for quite some time now. Probs since 6th grade." All the wolves said said at the exact same unison fucking time. "We will never let edwvark that bastard sparkle punk raver-type have u for his own. My GOD he's a blood suckr!He can never impregnate you sweetly in a mormon kind of way! No sir!" and then they let him go. Because they had to go to school now.
At school now: At school there were a lot of onions that were growing. Those were the students. Unfortunately. Basically the main characters were the only human ones. Anyway they all walked to school on their own but they were all going at the same pace so it was kind of awkward and noone knew whether to speed up or slow down and sometimes when one student sped up, the other one would too with the same plan in mind of getting ahead of the crowd but alas it was a failed attempt because now they were walking at the same pace still and they just had to suffer that way until they got to school. Some of the onions were walking to school too but that wasn't really interesting. Bella, Harrybella, hairbella was pale so just the same. Burble. Bulsclara. They were going to home economics class where they were goin to learn ho to plant onions. Aka go to bed. With eachother. Heh. 18+. They might make oNION SOUP I CANT TELL (anguish) Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas was playing over the intercom REALLY loudly as harry walked into the home ec room. He looked amazing. He noticed a a boy was looking at him with pure disgust and anguish. And was also kinda hard. And cutting I MEAN planting onions with pure and malicious intent. God his gaze was piercing. He cut his finger off on accident a bit with the knife he was using to chop the onions. Ok ill admit he WAS choppong them. HES A VAMPIRE! There. Its out in the open. Kinda like my labia. Thats for a different day though. His name was eddy-boii culk kirk cobain purpLE DRANK IN MY CUP/ Lynn. He was shirtless with a beer gut tattooed on his chest. He was also wearing a shirt. A button up version of one of those shirts that has big man cartoon muscles printed on it, but on the shirt it also had a beer gut tattooed on its chest. And so begins the cycle. He had a lot of popping and cracking of his joints that was LOUD and he had pickled chicken feet for finger nails that were manicured really nicely. He also had a nice pair of slacks on his legs and crotch. His anus was bleeding, forthright and to-the-point. He wasn't one to dally. But he did like chimp-scented dilly bars, only at DQ.
Similarly, he had a perfume on that was made out of carabiner ecxrement from a climbing gym that smelled dee-lite-fully like a foot . He would sauna. He would never dope, though. There was too much riding on his big play at the next big game, including a full ride to Full-Sail University, the bad art school. He had a lot of gas today because he ate an apple earlier. It was smell-less, taste-less gas though. Just wind. And big.
Right when Harry (Bella) walked into the room, eddy-boii culk kirk cobain purpLE DRANK IN MY CUP/ Lynn's wind picked up and shook the room in a wind-style to look pretty. He smelled him and his chosen boy-ness and became a pirate's wench, instantly. MOM what's the netflix password? PLEASE.
The only seat was next to him, so Harry sat down in a pinch. He may have pinched one off, as well, even though there wasn't a toilet or little duck's room nearby. It was anxiety gone awry. The teacher, who was an onion, unfortunately, walk in an start class. It was hard to follow.
The end.
"I'm a little fighter and I stand up for what I believe in." -Avril Lavigne
Thank u to all my supporters. That is all.
