THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES – THE E-COMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTER FOUR – A ROAD TRIP IN THE DARK
Night fell like a bad power-point presentation. When they finally halted, they were very weary. The group set up its new tents and blew up its new Aero beds.
"We cannot go out again tonight. We are weary and in horrible need of stretching," remarked Gimli.
"Then what are we going to do?" Frodo asked.
"We must ramble on if we are to finish our task; otherwise we must turn tail and run back to Rivendell," Gandalf insisted.
"Everyone would laugh at us if we went back now!" Frodo objected. "We'd be all over the news!"
"True. To go back would be to admit defeat and accept worse defeat later. The Tonewraiths would come for it soon." Gandalf mused.
"Then we must go on, if there is a way," Frodo sighed.
"There is a way," Gandalf said slowly, "but it is a decidedly unpleasant route."
"Well, what is it then?" Pippin Scottishly inquired.
"The Mines of Microsoft," Gandalf stated.
Gimli looked up excitedly, but the others were attempting to recover from a creepy-crawly feeling.
"The road leads to Microsoft, but how do we know that it leads through Microsoft?" Aragorn philosophized.
"Microsoft is a name of ill-omen," Boromir explained. "I do not see a need to go in there. It is said to be full of conflicting information, causing one to crash beyond all hope each and every time he tries to do even the simplest thing. I say we should go south to the Gap of Rohan. The people really like me there, probably because their princess is into my brother."
"That's a rumor!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"Does that mean it can't be true?" Boromir taunted.
"Anyway…" Gandalf intrusively interrupted.
"Or we might go around and cross the Isen into Langstrad and Lebonin, and so come to Gondor from the west coast, dude," Boromir added.
"Things are different since you came north, Boromir," Gandalf replied. "Do you remember what I told you about Saruman?"
"No," Boromir stated. "What?"
Gandalf sighed, muttering "He's worse than Pippin!" and clearly forgetting that a few lazy, irresponsible persons who shall remain nameless didn't get around to putting that part in. "To make a long story short, he went bad. He's in cahoots with the other guys now. I may have some dealings with him before this is over."
"Oh. I see," Boromir mused.
"The Ringtone must not go near Isengard, and the Gap of Rohan is leaking again. One would think that after all the money the government threw in that the tunnels would actually work…." Gandalf commented.
"It's flooded? Again?" Legolas queried.
Gandalf nodded sadly. "Sadly, I see no choice but the Mines of Microsoft. That is the route that the Enemy will least expect us to take."
And much more long, boring talking transpired, resulting in an official consensus in the route of the Mines of Microsoft.
Once many long, boring hours in the car had passed, they arrived at the Mines of Microsoft. After a bit of exploration, wandering, and general lostness, Gandalf found a dust-covered computer screen and keyboard. He gently blew some of the dust off the keys and pressed the spacebar. The screen slowly came to life, revealing a message box containing two text boxes that were labeled—
User name: mines00
Password:
Gandalf tentatively tried a password. A thinly veiled threat to shut down completely disguised as an error message assailed him. Grumbling, he clicked on the button marked "Password hint." Yet another message box: "Type, friend, and enter."
"What does that mean, 'Type, friend, and enter?'" Merry asked.
"Well, it's quite simple. If you're a friend, you type in the password and enter," Gimli explained.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Pippin commented.
"He asked…." Gimli grumbled.
Gandalf looked hurt, as though someone had stolen his line (even though it was far more logical to have Gimli explain the whole deal, being related to the guys who put it in and all). He shortly recovered, however, and began tapping at the keyboard.
"Do you know the password, Gandalf?" Legolas asked.
"No, but I have a few educated guesses," he explained.
"How educated?" Pippin wondered.
"Oh, I'd say about undergraduate level. Or perhaps the second grade, depending how you look at it," Gandalf answered helpfully.
The other eight decided that they really didn't want to look at it in the first place, so they let Gandalf do his thing.
After two hours, however, they were beginning to think that Gandalf's guesses either had connections or had dropped out, because, for all of their education, they were not exceedingly smart. The ninesome was still stuck outside of the mines; the guesses didn't work.
"It's not working," Gandalf sighed in exasperation.
"What are you going to do?" Pippin inquired timidly.
"Knock your head against this screen, Peregrin Took!" Gandalf bursted. "And if that doesn't work, at least I'll have peace from these foolish questions and be able to figure out the password!"
"Then what have you been doing for the past two hours?" Pippin returned.
"All I could to keep myself from knocking your head against this screen, that's what!" Gandalf fumed.
Merry suddenly stood up. "I've got it!"
Frodo had jumped up a half second later. "No, I've got it!"
"What have you got?" Gandalf sighed.
"The password!" Merry and Frodo shouted in unison.
"I get to say it!" Frodo shouted.
"You get to do everything! It's my turn!" Merry retorted.
"Oh, no, it isn't!" Frodo shot back.
"Oh, yes, it is!" Merry exclaimed.
"Nuh-uhh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uhh!"
"Uh—"
"Speak, one of you!" Gandalf thundered.
"It's 'friend'! The password is 'friend' in Elvish!" Merry panted, ducking to miss an angry blow from Frodo.
"Isn't that what Elvis speaks?" Pippin wondered.
"NO!" eight annoyed voices boomed in reply.
Gandalf looked pensive. "Naturally," he commented, almost amused. He turned around and typed "Iend-fray" into the computer (or so the others assumed, as all they saw were asterisks). A door slowly slid open, revealing a hallway into the mines, and the 32 amigos passed through. Suddenly, a gurgling noise came up from behind them. A particularly sadistic giant squid came out of the water and tapped on the keyboard. The door slammed shut behind them. Boromir ran over to attempt to reopen it, but he found it was locked and impossible to force. "Drat," he commented. "We're committed."
"I was committed once," Merry commented.
"I never would have guessed," Pippin snorted.
"You should be committed," Merry retorted.
"But we are committed," Pippin replied.
"Moving on," Gandalf interjected, attempting to move on. "It appears as though we are committed."
"I was committed—" Merry started.
Aragorn put a heavy hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "We know."
