THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES – THE E-COMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTERS SIX, SEVEN, AND EIGHT– LOTHLORIAN ABRIDGED
After leaving the mines and driving around a bit, they found themselves at the Eaves of the Golden Wood.
"How did our cars get to the other side of the mines?" Pippin wondered aloud.
"I don't know," Aragorn said quickly.
Gimli peeped out the window nervously. "There is an Elf-Witch, they say," he began darkly. "She sits in the trees with her giant blue ox and lassoes tornadoes. She wears a coon cap and a flannel shirt and overalls, none of which ever get dirty or smelly. She has the fastest draw in the…erm…." He pulled a map from the side of the door to figure out where they were.
"Region?" a bemused Boromir supplied.
"…Region," he finished, disappointed that he could come up with nothing better. "Well, here is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I am like Big Brother. I am Big Brother! I see everything. I know all."
Suddenly out of nowhere, a customs booth popped up in front of them. The two men who were driving the cars screeched them to a halt as a blond-haired girly-man Haldir-named elf came up to their window and began to ask questions. Boromir immediately became quite confused, but fortunately Legolas could translate.
"Ere-whey are-hay ou-yay om-fray?" A blond-haired girly-man elf who had come up to their window asked.
"Where are we from?" Legolas translated.
As everyone was from someplace different (if we pretended for a moment that the hobbits were all one being), this answer resulted in many long boring minutes of mass confusion.
"Ow-hay ong-lay o-dat ou-yay an-play o-tay e-bay in-hay e-thay Olden-gay Ood-way?"
"How long will we be here?"
"Long enough to turn this dump into the most beautiful mines Middle-Earth has ever seen!" Gimli extrapolated.
"We're just passing through," Boromir stated, glaring at the dwarf.
"Ot-nay ong-lay." Legolas declared nervously.
"Any-hay eapons-way?" the guard asked.
"Weapons?"
"Every type ever invented for a fantasy story," Boromir stated.
"Ot-nay any-may," Legolas responded.
"Agriculture-hay?"
"Fruits or veggies?"
"All the fruits around here are outside the car!" Gimli half-exclaimed, half-snickered, his face beginning to pinken a bit at all of his shouting.
"Ust-jay im-hay," Legolas stated, unobtrusively nodding to the dwarf.
"At's-whay in-hay e-thay unk-tray?"
"All-hay our-hay uff-stay." Legolas knew the answer to that one.
"Other-hay ar-cay ith-way ou-way?"
"Up-yay."
Gimli was getting rather frustrated at understanding none of the conversation. "Speak words we can all understand!" he demanded.
Haldir stopped jabbering and looked at the diminutive creature. "We have not had dealings with the dwarves since 9000 BFBGC (Before Fatty Bolger Got Caught)."
"And you know what this dwarf says to that?" Gimli bristled, searching for words in his native dwarven tongue. "I farteth in thy generale directione!"
Haldir just glared at Gimli. Aragorn, who had left the hobbits' car a short while earlier to determine the cause of the holdup at customs, leaned through the open window and hissed into the dwarf's ear, "That was very rude, crude, and socially unacceptable." The dwarf just grunted.
After further discussion of that ilk and far more haggling, bickering, and bartering, Haldir decided to let them in.After leadingthem through the myriads and plethoras of trees and interesting foliage until they reached Lothlorian Proper, he assembled them in front of a large edifice that vaguely resembled a prominent historical structure of the reader's choice. "Hang out here until the Lady Galadriel has finished beautifying herself," he instructed.
"Beautifying herself?" Sam asked.
Haldir regarded him quizzically. "What, do you think being the most beautiful creature in Middle-Earth comes naturally?"
Sam had no argument for the girly-man. A few minutes later, Galadriel and Celebron appeared from within the said structure. After looking over the travelers, Lady G spoke.
"Eight there are, yet nine set out from Rivendell. Perhaps Elrond's math is fuzzy again," she stated gravely.
"No, Gandalf was with us. He is now…dead," Aragorn explained in a rather macabre fashion.
Celebron looked puzzled. "What do you mean, he's dead?"
Aragorn sighed in annoyance and declared morosely, "The spark of his life is smothered in shades. His spirit is gone but his stench remains. Does that answer your question?"
The Elf-king nodded. "I get it now. Thanks for clarifying."
The Elf-queen cleared her throat impatiently, which was the cue for the important people to go off and caucus for a long, boring amount of time. The less important people were left to sit around and mope over Gandalf, because, after all, he was…dead. Finally, the eight who remained rented two large rooms at the Double Hotel and called it a night.
At some ungodly hour of the morning, Frodo woke to much carousing outside his room. He wondered over to the door in his blue plaid pajamas and slunk into the hallway. The Lady Galadriel was mincing down the hallway in her nine-inch-tall cork platform shoes. A brief glance down the corridor revealed a rather substantial hole in the drywall that had not been there earlier in the evening. Judging by the size and shape of the hole, he deduced that he was awoken to the sound of Galadriel falling into his wall. Curious as to what she was doing in the hotel at this time of night, he followed her down to the lobby. It was deserted, and even the obligatory hotel-lobby fountain was not running. The Lady had moved over to a discreetly hidden panel in the wall, and suddenly, with much vrrr-ing, wawawawa-ing, llllll-ing, and woosh-ing, streams of water began to gush from various spouts on the fountain.
"Oh, goodness. I keep meaning to clean that," Galadriel muttered as the vrrr-ing, wawawawa-ing, llllll-ing, and woosh-ing tapered off. Turning to Frodo, she added, "Will you look into the mirror?"
"Looks more like a fountain to me," Frodo observed.
Galadriel just glared, cleared her throat, and repeated more loudly and clearly, "Will you look into the mirror?"
"Oh… sorry. Um… Mother, may I?" Frodo asked hastily.
"Yes, you may," Galadriel stated condescendingly.
"Should I?" he then inquired.
"Well, I wouldn't say it was a good idea. But then, I don't suppose I would say it wasn't. If I were you, I probably wouldn't do it; but then, if I was me, I probably would. But then…"
While Galadriel was saying both no and yes, Frodo got impatient and took a look into the fountain's gurgling water. He counted $94.62 on the pool's bottom before an image flickered into view. He could make out Times Square lit up as though it was New Year's Eve. As there was no ball preparing to drop, he assumed that it indeed was not New Year's Eve. He then spied a figure wearing a rather creepy black trenchcoat and creepier mirrored sunglasses making his way down the sidewalk. He reminded Frodo of Gandalf, although he looked nothing like them. He would have to mention that to his psychologist. The vision suddenly fast-forwarded, and suddenly he was in Bilbo's room. The old hobbit was wandering about aimlessly. He also saw the members of the fellowship at various parts in the journey. I didn't know that Merry and Pippin knew the Macarena, he thought. This was shortly replaced with many terrible happenings that Frodo knew would come to pass should the quest fail. The Green Party won a majority in both the House and the Senate, and Ralph Nader was giving a State of the Union address. William Hung was giving his acceptance speech for the Grammy award awarded for the CD he produced after winning Middle-Earthen Idol. Michael Jackson became black again, and he looked about 100 times more creepy. Brittney Spears passed for real music, and the person who sings "Gollum's Song" for the credits of the LotR: TTT DVD remade every song ever written, and the new remakes were the only songs the radio stations would play. The Gondor Vertically Enhanced never won another Superbowl.
Frodo screamed in horror and fell backwards. Galadriel was finally settling for a "maybe yes; maybe no" when she saw Frodo on the ground. "Careful, there's a step there," she warned belatedly. Then, remembering what she was doing, she stood taller and her voice deepened and generally got more creepy. "I know what you have seen, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass should your quest fail."
Frodo somehow already knew that, but the prospect of Ralph Nader becoming President and Michael Jackson looking any creepier than he already did frightened him severely enough that he said nothing about it. He was beginning to grasp the gravity of the situation.
"I must destroy the Ringtone!" Frodo announced brashly.
"It's not that simple, Frodo," Galadriel explained.
"Well then… you take it!" he declared.
Galadriel stared mesmerized at the golden phone on Frodo's belt. "You offer it to me freely. I must admit, I have lusted after this for a long time. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, I've got the power, uh. I've got the power! I've got the power, wa-wa-what-what, uh. I've got the power, woah-oh-oh!" After much singing, dancing, carousing, spazzing, and foaming at the mouth, Galadriel returned to normal. "I past the test," she breathed. "I will shrink rapidly, go beyond the sea, and remain Galadriel." And then they went to their respective bedrooms and hit the sack.
The next morning, the e-community packed their belongings and lined up to get free stuff. To the whole group, Celeborn gave two forest-green Avalons and a trailer in which they could schlep around their belongings. Aragorn thanked Celeborn profusely. He knew that Merry had made off with at least one of their other cars, but he didn't want to bring the matter up. Galadriel gave them eight appropriately sized L.L. Bean jackets that repel absolutely everything and keep one's body temperature at normal, no matter the temperature. In addition, they all received a copious amount of semi-cylindrical containers marked with the mysterious letters "SPAM". "With these, you will never go hungry," Celeborn explained. "Just take one bite, and you'll decide that maybe you aren't that hungry after all."
The Elf-queen moved to Merry and Pippin. "And to you, Meriadoc Brandybuck, I give the business card of Octor-day Il-phay, a renowned Elven shrink who can help you with your automobile-related kleptomania."
"I don't steal cars!" Merry yelped.
Galadriel smiled patiently. "I also give you the business card of Octor-day Aura-lay to help you with your lying problem." And she moved on before the hobbit could object again.
"To you, Peregrin Took, I give a TI-300 Plus Platinum Edition."
The young shireling looked elated. "Sweet!"
"Aragorn, son of Arathorn, I give to you permission to marry my granddaughter." Aragorn nodded and studied his boots.
"And to you, Boromir son of Denethor, I give a dirty look, because that is all you deserve." And the Lady Galadriel gave a rather dumbfounded Boromir a dirty look.
"To Legolas, I have this book," she said, handing the Elf a thick maroon volume entitled Effectively Escape Fangirls Without Crushing Their Undying Devotion in Ten Easy Steps. His eyes widened and he carefully took the book.
Next she came to Gimli. "What would the Elves have that would satisfy a dwarf?" she asked kindly. The dwarf in question cleared his throat and whispered into Galadriel's ear. She simply smiled, disappeared for a moment, and returned with a small sealed envelope that she handed to Gimli.
"To you, Samwise Gamgee, I give a travel DVD player and a collection of all the Emeril shows ever created. You may have to make some substitutions while on the road, but you should be able to make some good recipes." Sam took the bundle gratefully.
And finally, she reached Frodo. She handed him a small, long cylinder. "And to you, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, I give the LED light of Earendil. May it be a light to you in dark places when all other lights have gone out." Frodo was thoroughly confused, but he took it anyway.
Finally, the Fellowship loaded up into their new vehicles and continued their journey.
