THE LORD OF THE RINGTONES – THE E-COMMUNITY OF THE RINGTONE – CHAPTERS NINE AND TEN– THE DISCONNECTION OF THE E-COMMUNITY

After some mucking about with swans, bows, and great peril, the E-community pulled into a rest area off the Interrealm highway for a dinner break.

"Go to the bathroom if you need to," Aragorn advised the group. "Pippin, go to the bathroom."

"But I don't have to go!" Pippin objected.

"Yes. You do," Aragorn stated coolly. Pippin stalked off glumly to the men's room.

The troop shortly found the fast-food joint that most suited them and settled down to eat. Before much else happened, Aragorn reached across the table and grabbed Pippin's trashcan-sized cup of Mountain Dew.

"Hey!" Pippin objected again. "I bought that!"

"Actually, I did, but that's beside the point." Aragorn observed. "It will make you need to go to the bathroom in a half an hour. We'll never reach Mordor at that rate."

Pippin remained obstinate. "No, it won't!"

"Pippin, everything makes you have to go to the bathroom," Merry stated exasperatedly.

"So what's the problem with the Mountain Dew?" he inquired, gesturing towards the enormous cup in Aragorn's hand.

Frodo, seeing a chance to escape the others, quietly slipped away. He was unnoticed by everyone except Boromir, who unobtrusively followed.

The hobbit made his way over to the convenience store. He found the gum rack and browsed through the labels. As he turned into the next aisle, he nearly ran into a waiting Boromir, who was looking down at him.

"None of us should wander alone in this neighborhood. You really shouldn't wander alone," he stated.

"I'll remember that," Frodo retorted blankly and moved to get past the man.

The man, however, was not about to let him pass. "You carry a heavy burden," he observed.

"The markings on the back say it's about 5 grams, but I don't suppose that's what you're getting at," Frodo replied.

"It seems like such a waste to destroy it in the boiling waters of Mt. Doom when there's so much good it could do."

"But it can't do any good! It's evil!"

"You don't know that. That's what Gandalf and the Elves have told you. The truth is, it's merely a normal MET&T telephone. With the low, low prices of their unlimited coast-to-coast minutes with free nights and weekends and no roaming charge, one could save a fortune! They don't want us to save that much. But think of how much a person—a nation—could benefit!"

Frodo cocked his head. Boromir was beginning to scare him. "Um…right. I'll just buy some Haynes and be on my way, then."

Boromir finally recognized that he would not get through to Frodo. He reached forward and tried to grab the phone from his belt. Startled, Frodo fell backwards, twisting the side the Tone was on away from Boromir. The man stumbled forward, still reaching for Frodo. Frodo looked around frantically. The only other being anywhere near was the cashier, but she was just kind of staring into space. Seeing no other option, he removed the Ringtone from his belt and, flipping it open, pressed it to his ear. He vanished.

As soon as Frodo disappeared, Boromir figured out that he was being a bum and had a change of heart. He wandered dejectedly back to the others. Meanwhile, Frodo stumbled outside and began looking for the cars.

Before Boromir got to the table, he met up with a very worried-looking Aragorn. "Boromir! When have you last seen the Tonebearer?"

"I… Just a few minutes ago, in the store," Boromir told him. Aragorn went to look. A fortuitous glance out the window told him that Frodo was in the parking lot. He ran out to see him.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"Could I have the keys to the first Avalon? I was going to try to hotwire it, but since you're here…"

"You're leaving?" Aragorn asked, dumbfounded.

"Nah, I was just going to Disneyearth for an hour or two."

"Really? Could you get me one of those T-shirts with one of those—"

"NO! I'm leaving! I have to go to Mordor alone."

"I would have followed you through the very ickiness of Mordor itself," Aragorn pledged.

"I know," Frodo smiled. "Be gentle on Sam. He wouldn't understand."

Aragorn nodded before he was distracted by something on the roadway. "Go!" he exclaimed and ran back to the rest area. Frodo got in and cranked the engine, but he was shaking so badly that he couldn't get the car to start. While he was still there, a large Greyhound bus pulled into the parking lot and up to the main building. After some dramatic sound effects and dry ice, hordes upon hordes of dorcs jumped out of the bus and swarmed the building and parking lot.

For those of you who are not in the know, a dork looks very much like a normal person. However, he typically carries a calculator, wears a pocket-protector containing a billion and a half pens, is clad in a white short-sleeved shirt tucked on one side into black flood pants that are almost long enough and reveal his functional black shoes and plaid socks. They also carry guns, and between that and their annoying, sandpapery laugh, they are among the most dangerous creatures in Middle-Earth. Unfortunately, they were with the bad guys. These dorcs were sent to thoroughly search the rest area for any hobbits, and Frodo happened to be in plain view. They began to descend on Frodo's revving Avalon. Just then, Merry and Pippin, who had been watching from inside, burst out into the parking lot armed with Pippin's fanciest calculators.

"Hey!" Pippin shouted. "You guys are into calculators, right? Could you show me how this works?"

All of the dorcs within earshot and a good deal many without bolted over and began fighting with each other over who had more calculator knowledge to help young Merry and Pippin. While the dorcs were distracted, Sam ran out of the building as Frodo finally got the car started. The cooking hobbit flew full-speed toward the exiting car and leaped onto the hood, shouting, "Stop the car!"

Frodo did as he was told, and Sam went flying. After collecting himself, he climbed into the passenger seat and announced, "I'm going with you." Frodo didn't particularly mind the company, so the two sped away.

By this time, one of the more ambitious and goal-minded dorcs had figured out that Merry and Pippin were hobbits and they were there to collect hobbits. They stole their calculators and locked them into the storage compartment below the passenger area of the bus.

Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas were holding their own against the hordes upon hordes of dorcs inside the building. Boromir was relieved that he was still alive and kicking.

And thus ends The Lord of the Ringtones: The E-community of the Ringtone. And much long, boring waiting will transpire.


Actually, it probably won't be any near as long and boring as a few other 2- and 3-month waits we've put you through, but I still need to consort with my cohorts to get a few chapters of the next book written before I post anything else.

Oh, there will be another book. There will hopefully be two, if we're not sick of the process in a few more years. Feel free to email me or comment with ideas and such; we are very open to suggestions (and we still have no idea what we're doing about Gollum).

Who (rather, what) is this Sauron character, anyway? How many undead jokes will we be able to make about Gandalf? What will the Riders of Rohan ride, and will they rename Aragorn? Whose line is it anyway? And who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop?

Stay tuned to find out….