IV. Wishing I could hear your Voice again
Christine lay quite still in the darkness, listening to Raoul's calm, steady breathing beside her. He did not understand. Of course he did not. What else had she expected? She loved him, and very much so, but there were just a few things he would never truly understand. Like music, for example. Or her relationship to the Phantom.
It was not that he didn't try. He just failed to see the point, without really noticing he did so.
The sensation somewhere at the back of her head stayed the same, a feeling of grief. Raoul was convinced this was a good thing, but how could she possibly feel happy or relieved with this in her head? Maybe there was a way to ignore the feeling, to make it less strong, but she did not know how.
Once again Raoul had overlooked an important detail: Had she not cared at all about the Phantom, she would not have had any trouble ignoring what she felt, or maybe only a little bit. But the problem was, she did care. It all was a lot more complex than Raoul pictured it to be. What Raoul saw was that she had made her choice, that she was happy about it, and therefore that there was no more Phantom for her. Of course she was happy with Raoul, no question of this, but it didn't mean that she could just forget about the Phantom. Raoul always forgot that their relationship had not begun the day when she had first seen him in the mirror, but many years earlier, and how important he had been to her. After all, he had been her Angel of Music, and he had taught her all she knew. Without him, she would still be just another ballet girl. And he had not only been her teacher, he had listened to her joys and sorrows as well, and he had watched over her dreams. He had been there for her whenever she had needed him. Apart from Meg, her Angel had been her best friend.
Why did it have to end like this? When she looked back on it now, she found herself wishing that she had never learned who the Angel of Music truly was, that he would still just appear in her dreams and speak to her when she was alone, and continue teaching her, although he had said that there was not much she could learn from him anymore. She wished to have her Angel back, her friend and guardian.
True, she had Raoul now, but Raoul was different. Raoul was the man she loved, whereas her Angel… One could say that she had loved him, too, although in a different way. Until the day he had first appeared in the mirror, there had been nothing physical about him for her, and the love she felt for him had been very much the one for her dear father's memory. His gentle voice speaking to her had made the loss easier to bear – indeed, after she had found out that there was no Angel, that old wound had seemed to break open again.
Yes, she reminded herself, there was no Angel, and there had never been one. It had been a lie, and nothing more.
But she was grateful for that lie. She had practically built up all she had on it.
It had been a shock to learn the truth… but not as much as Raoul or Meg assumed, maybe. Although she was reluctant to admit it, there had been something about the Phantom irresistibly attracting her, a strange kind of fascination she did not quite understand. Maybe if it had not been for Raoul, if Raoul had not re-entered her life just then, she would have lain in the Phantom's arms now, instead of his.
It was a strange thought, irritating and, to a certain extent, frightening. To imagine lying in bed beside a man who was ready to kill to make her his alone, and who had indeed done so… He had not only wanted to guard her, he had desired to possess her, her body as well as her mind.
Yet in the end, he had set her free, her and Raoul… because he loved her.
And when she thought of last night now, she felt nothing but pity for him and his dark fate.
It was then that she felt him, stronger than before, touching her mind as he had done every night for years now, except the last. God, how she had feared she would never feel his presence again –
Shocked at her feelings, she tried to ignore him. It was the power he had over her, his influence that made her think so!
But then again, he was far away, he could not hurt her now. And his touch was… calming, soothing. Surely there was nothing wrong with it when she just, only for this time, allowed him to?
There would be a next time if she gave in now, she suspected… but as long as he was far away… no harm would come from it… and Raoul was with her, wasn't he? So she was not breaking her promise… and it didn't matter, anyway… nothing mattered, not tonight… not ever… her Angel was back… even if he was no Angel, but she did not care… and she had become just so used to yielding to his touch…
Sheltered in Raoul's physical embrace as well as the Phantom's mental one, Christine finally fell asleep.
