Chapter Twelve
She watched him with nervous eyes as he put the last log onto the calming fire. He walked back over to her and sat next to her on the couch, causing her stomach to flutter even more intensely. She had been dreading this from the moment they had arrived back at the Retreat from the not-so-peaceful picnic they had both endured in the meadow.
He watched her carefully, taking notice of the sharp intake of her breath and the slight heaving of her chest. She was nervous for what she was going to tell him…the only question was what she was going to tell him. He needed to know. He needed to know why he was suffering the way he was. And more importantly, he needed to know if she still loved him. He almost winced at the word 'love', a word that he hadn't associated with her in two years. But it was time to discover the cause of his demons and hopefully, finally put them to rest.
He took a deep breath and began his interrogation. "I just want to know why. Tell me why."
She bit her lip and tried desperately to stop herself from crying already. It wasn't time for tears. If need be, that would have to come later.
She suppressed a loud sob and met his intense blue eyes. "It's not what you think, Anakin. It's not that…"
"It's not what, Padme? You ripped my heart out and stomped on it. You know what? There's no good reason for what you did to me. But I need your reason. I have to know. So tell me…"
He had to calm himself down after that outburst. He had lashed out at her, he hadn't meant to do it, but he couldn't control it. Something just took over him and he lost it for a moment.
She looked up at him and took a shaky breath. He was right. Everything he had said was absolutely right. There was no good reason for what she had done to both of them. The more she thought about it, the more she realized what a dumb fool she had been.
"A few weeks after you left Theed, my mother came to visit me. Somehow, she had found out about you. She told me that any relationship we had would destroy both our personal and professional lives. She said you would be kicked out of the Order. She said my reputation as a politician would be tainted. At the time, everything she said to me made sense. I didn't want you to risk your career for me…"
"And you weren't willing to risk yours for me, either?"
She winced at his comment, feeling the horrible truth. She had been young and foolish. But that was still no excuse for hurting the one person that she loved more than life itself.
"Anakin…it wasn't like I stopped loving you. I just thought that it was better to end it before things got too complicated."
He shook his head furiously. "You should have talked to me. We could have figured something out."
"Could we have? What if you had gotten hurt or even killed in some battle and I never got to see you again? Did you ever think of that?"
"Yes, I did. I thought of that every day until I got that damned letter. Do you really think I would ever want you to suffer like that? Of course not. But who are you to say what will or will not happen? Life is just one huge risk. You have to take chances. And you weren't willing to take a chance on us. I don't understand that. I would have done anything for you. It was better to…" He trailed off, unable to finish his sentence for fear of what he would reveal to her.
"What?" She needed to know what he was about to say. She felt an urgency to know that was consuming her every moment that he hesitated.
"It was better to have loved you, then to have never loved you at all."
She looked away from him, her heart weighing down into her chest. There was nothing she could say. She had hurt him as deeply as she had hurt herself. And for what?
His eyes bore into her face, desperate for some reaction to his words. But he got nothing. Didn't she care?
"What are you saying, Anakin?"
There it was. The question was out there now. Did he still love her? Did she still love him? That question was almost too powerful, to overbearing to answer with a simple yes or no. It needed to be explained, expressed in a way that only they could understand.
He hesitated with his answer, knowing that if he said what had been in the back of his mind since the moment he was reunited with her, there would be no going back. His heart would once again be on the line and he needed to a moment to gather enough courage to do it one more time.
"I've been dying a little bit every day since you sent that letter, Padme. Every day the pain cuts me a little deeper. You're haunting me. You're in my very soul and even after everything that's happened between us, I don't know if I ever want you to leave it. You see, ever since I've been near you again, I've realized that I'll never be able to get you out of my system. I've been trying to tell myself that you're just going to hurt me again, but somehow, I'm not sure if that's completely true. I've seen the way you've been looking at me and I know you still have feelings for me. Please, if you're suffering as much as I am, please tell me. I'll do anything you ask…"
She was speechless. His words awoke the passions that still swirled within her after two years of separation. She knew that her love for him had only grown stronger throughout the time she had been without him. In a way, she was still surprised that he would even consider reconciling with her after everything that had happened. That could only mean that he still really loved her. He loved her enough to see past that and give her another chance. Still…there was one thing that pulled her in the opposite direction.
Her breath began to come in short gasps as he reached out and stroked her cheek gently. He could see her inner struggle and he had known that struggle well. But he was finished fighting his feelings. If she rejected him now…he would just have to deal with it. He was tired of the games, the tension, and the discomfort he felt every time he merely looked at her.
He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against hers. He moved back, waiting for her reaction and was pleasantly surprised when she leaned closer to him, begging for more of his touch. He obliged her without a second thought and captured her lips in a passionate kiss. Both felt their bodies become consumed by the fire that had threatened to explode every time they looked at each other. He drew her closer and closer until the space between them was permanently closed and he felt her clinging to him for dear life.
He swept her into his arms and swiftly carried into the first bedroom he could find. He gently laid her onto the soft bed and found himself on top of her in a matter of seconds. He suddenly felt a wave of doubt cloud his mind when he realized that maybe they were moving too fast. But then he remembered the other time they had stopped themselves and he had wished he could take that back every day.
His eyes silently begged the question he was burning to ask and she hesitated for a moment. The longer she looked into the eyes, the further she fell into him. There was no going back now and the time for thinking had long passed.
She nodded eagerly to him and his lips curved into a handsome grin before catching her mouth in yet another passionate kiss. Their hands moved over each other's bodies, hurriedly ridding their bodies of the boundaries between them.
They were falling, crashing with a fervent force that would not let them go. The point of not return was long gone as they fell deeper into each other's embrace and deeper in love, the consequences the farthest thing from their minds. That could be dealt with in the morning. For now, they would surrender.
