Chapter 8: Feeling The Loss

The emotions and attitudes of the team members as they returned to the mansion could be described in one word, somber. No one spoke as Logan and Ororo piloted the jet back to the institute. Everyone was reflecting on what had just happened. Jean had given her life, voluntarily, and openly willingly to save all the lives of her teammates. And she hadn't subjected them to watch. No one but Logan understood Jean's actions, for he had seriously contemplated the same so many times in hislife he had long lost, lost track of them all. No one was taking this loss harder than him, not even Storm, who was doing a fairly decent job of containing her emotions on the flight back. When they landed in the hanger Charles was there to greet them. He watched as the team exited the jet with looks of despair on their faces. Charles read each one of them and he knew immediately what had happened. He waited until he saw Ororo and Logan exit the jet escorting Elizabeth. Ororo took the young woman with her to Hank so she could be checked over while Logan remained behind with Xavier.

"Did… Did she say anything to you before we left, Charles?" Logan asked unable to say Jean's name aloud.

"Yes, she did, and I should've listened."

"I wasn't going to let her do it… I couldn't… But she wasn't going to be persuaded from it…." Logan walked off unable to say anymore. Charles followed but went a separate way. Logan stalked off to his room while Xavier wheeled down the med-bay where Ororo was assisting Hank in checking out Elizabeth.

"Welcome…" Xavier said after a long breath. "I want you to know, Ms. Braddock, that you are safer here than you would have been with Eric."

"Please, call me Betsy." The young woman said in a slight British accent.

"All right, Betsy," Xavier began folding his hands in front of him.

"Who was she?" Betsy asked watching Hank as prepared a small tray of instruments.

Xavier was taken aback for a moment not expecting that question to be asked for some time. "She, Jean Grey, was our team leader. She had taken over for Scott Summers, who also goes by the name of Cyclops; he is now attending college in the city. Jean was going to join him but decided she was more needed here, and we all made the mistake of allowing her to stay." Charles looked over at Ororo who had silent tears running down her face as she took Betsy's blood pressure. "Jean… Was having trouble with her telepathy; it was evolving too rapidly for her to control. She refused to ever go into detail about it, and I assume now that if she had she wouldn't have been so afraid of what was happening to her."

"What did happen to her?" Betsy asked quietly.

"I'm not sure." Xavier answered softly. "Hank, Ororo, when you finish with Betsy send her upstairs to me, I'll have a room ready for her."

"Yes, Charles." Hank answered. Ororo simply nodded her head. Charles turned in his wheelchair and exited the med-bay. It was going to be a long time before anyone recovered from this ordeal.


Early December

Jean's service was planned for when her family would be able to make it up to the mansion. It was held in the back among the gardens that she loved and helped Ororo to care for in her younger years. It didn't go unnoticed that Scott was the only person not there. "He couldn't bear to be here?" Ororo asked Logan as she drew her heavy brown coat more tightly around her as they walked out to the back. Everyone was assembling there for the service.

"I didn't tell him." Logan answered. "He doesn't know."

"What? How come?"

"How come? Because the kid's in love with her, 'Ro. If I told him it would break his heart. I don't want Scott to have to go through pain like that."

"Oh, Logan. I never knew…"

"Don't push it, Ororo. I'm not in any mood."

For those who had known Jean on a deep and personal level the service just seemed to drag on and on as those people took their turns speaking of Jean and how they had known her throughout her life. Warren was the last to speak, talking mostly of the life he had shared with Jean and that he had loved her, even though he had had an odd way of showing it. He looked over to Logan when he said that but saw no contempt on the man's face. Warren knew he was too devastated to be feeling any hate right now.

"Hello," Warren said calmly as he passed by Logan and Ororo.

"Hello, Warren. How are you?" Ororo asked quietly.

"Shaken up by this. I never expected… Dreamed even…"

"I know none of us did." Ororo laid a comforting hand on the man's shoulder.

"Well, I have to go now. I have some things to finish in the city before Christmas." With that Warren walked off to the front of the mansion where his car was waiting.

"Logan, how are wegoing…" Ororo began, but Logan stopped her.

"We'll be just fine, Ororo."


Christmas the following year…

It had now been a little more than a year since the loss of Jean Grey upon the institute and everyone was coping in their own ways, and everyone was still feeling the loss. Christmas Eve was upon them all as snow fell uncontrollably outside. Logan didn't seem to care though; he was out back staring down at Jean's headstone which read, Jean Grey Beloved Friend and Teammate Lost But Not Forgotten… Logan sighed as he placed two fresh, red roses upon the frozen ground. "I still miss you, Red, with all of my heart. We all do." Logan allowed a single tear to fall as he headed back inside. He was greeted at the door by Ororo, who wordlessly wiped the tear away and slipped her arm through his.

"You said we would find a way to survive, Logan, and we did, and we are."

"I know…" Logan sighed, "But the mansion feels so empty to me some how. First with Scott leaving and then losing Jean, it feels like there's nothing left here now."

Ororo had always known that Logan had treasured Jean like a daughter or a niece, and Scott like nephew, and nothing was going to be able to fill that void in his heart. Ororo slipped her hand into his and squeezed it gently. "You'll make it, Logan." She said softly to him hoping to relieve some of the pressure on his nerves. It did to a little extent. They entered the foyer where most of the students, those who hadn't returned home for the holidays, were gathered talking amongst themselves and generally enjoying each other's company.

Logan silently wondered to himself how anyone could be happy. Then as he looked out the window at the silently falling snow he thought he saw Jean. But Logan knew it was only his mind playing tricks on him. Jean was dead, and he had to accept that. The evening passed by uneventfully with everyone enjoying the small celebration that had been planned.

When morning came there was the usual bustle downstairs to open gifts, a huge Christmas breakfast, and then everyone went outside to enjoy the snow and engage in a snowball war. "I'm assuming you never contacted Scott." Charles said to Logan as they sat on the front porch watching the students laugh and pound each other with balled up snow.

"No, I did, I couldn't get through to him. All for the best though, right? He'd notice right away that Jean's not here. The whole story might spill out that way. I don't know how Alex is dealing with not being able to tell him."

"From what I've heard from Alex he and Scott aren't actually keeping in contact at this time. Alex continuously sends him mail but none of it is ever returned."

"Kid's become a ghost." Logan muttered. "Bobby! No ice balls!" he shouted watching as the younger X-Man began producing balls of ice and chucking them at his fellows teammates. "Let's have one nice snowball fight without a trip to the infirmary!"

"Yes, what Logan said!" called Hank as he walked outside on all fours. "I'll join them and keep a close eye. Alex would like to speak to you both inside, Ororo's with him now."

"What happened?"

Logan and Charles went inside to find Alex huddled on a couch shaking. "What happened, Alex? Did Scott call?"

"Yeah, he called." Alex admitted. "No I didn't tell him anything, but I nearly let it slip what happened. He's on his way over here now."

Logan looked up at Ororo. "What are we going to tell him?" Ororo asked. "We can't tell him the truth."

As they spoke of the situation before them a familiar red and white car drove upin the driveway and parked outside. Scott jumped out and ran up the steps. He never saw the looks he got from the students outside, his thoughts were only on Jean. "What happened to her, where is she?" Scott asked worriedly as he walked through the doors.

Ororo and Logan both looked at him. "Scott you had better sit down." Ororo said quietly.

"What happened?" Scott asked as he took a seat next to his brother. "What happened, Alex? Is she hurt, did her powers take a turn for the worse?"

Scott hit the target directly, but no one said anything. "She's gone, Scott." Ororo stated. "She left, last year."

"That's why I haven't been hearing from her. I was worried about her, but I thought she was just upset with me because I kept turning her down for us to meet up."

"Why did you?" Alex asked sounding a little accusatory.

"I was busy." Scott stated. "I kept telling her that, but I guess she got tired of hearing the same thing."

The room was quiet for a long moment as Scott got up and walked around. He ran his hands through his hair and breathed. Ororo took Alex back up to his room and Logan went back outside leaving Scott alone with Xavier. He turned back to his long time mentor and sat back down. "I screwed things up between us royally, didn't I, sir?"

Xavier sat there, bursting to tell Scott the truth, he hated that he had to lie to this young man about such an ordeal, but it was for his own protection that they all did.

"That's your opinion, Scott." Xavier said. "But if something is broken, why not try fixing it?" Scott stared at the professor, he could tell by the tone of the man's voice that there was something else involving Jean, and he wasn't too eager to discuss it. Scott dropped his curiosity there. "Now that you're here, Scott, why don't you stay the remainder of the holidays, we all miss you dearly. I assume you do have them off from your classes."

"Yeah I do, and yes thank you, that would be nice. I could use the break, and I really need to catch up with Alex on some things."

"Good, it's settled then. You're room is still upstairs. You may use it unless you would like a different room."

"No, I'll stay in mine, thank you, professor."

"You're very welcome, Scott. Welcome home."


A/N: All right, my last chapter for today! I hope you all enjoy and I expect more reviews by the time I get back from work tonight! If there aren't as many as I hope there will be, I won't update for another three weeks! Just kidding! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW PLEASE!. P.S. you all can help by spreading the word!