Disclaimer: Not Mine, Dick Wolf's!
A/N: The song is Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson. This story is a letter written to Alex while she is still in the Witness Protection Program.
Miss Independent
Olivia's POV
Dear Alex,
We miss you something terribly here in Manhattan.
Kathy left Elliot a few months ago. At first she just took the kids and went to her mother's house but then a divorce followed and he's been shaky ever since.
Fin saw his son again after getting shot. It was my fault; I didn't have his back so to make it up to him I contacted his son and brought him to see his father in the hospital. That kid booked it out of there as soon as he knew his father was going to be okay.
Munch is still being Munch, you know, with the lame jokes, and bad coffee. He misses you a lot, maybe even more than I do.
I'm doing just fine on my own. I'm back to being practically the only woman in the squad. Casey doesn't count; she doesn't seem to want to be here anymore than we seem to want her. Still no boyfriend to speak of, Mr. Right, it seems, either doesn't exist, or lives in the Arctic Circle. I'm still independent, self-sufficient, unafraid, and alone.
Miss Independent, Miss Self-Sufficient
Miss Keep-Your-Distance
Miss Unafraid, Miss Out-of-My-Way
Miss Don't-Let-a-Man-Interfere (no)
Miss On-Her-Own, Miss Almost-Grown
Miss Never-Let-a-Man-Help-Her-Off-Her-Throne
You are the only one who knows why I don't allow guys to love me. I think I told you because you did exactly what I did. Pretended to let a guy in when you were sad and lonely, but pushed him away as soon as he made the long fall into love. Only you were never as apprehensive as I was, and still am; which is why I'm scared to think about the feelings taking over me.
Maybe I've started to change my mind. Maybe there are worse things than love in this world. Like being eaten alive by beavers for example, or I dunno, there has to be something worse than falling in love. Wonder why I'm defending love all of a sudden? So do I! Maybe it's because I've started thinking.
So by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little Miss Apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
There's a guy I know. In fact I more than know him. I can read him like a book. I know his ups, and downs, lefts, and rights. I know what makes him tick, and I know what makes him tock. I think about him when I'm trying to fall asleep and, when the sun rises or I wake up in the middle of the night with a phone call I think about how I can spend another day with him. He's one of my best friends.
I'm not sure why all of a sudden everything he does can make me smile, cry, laugh, or smoke like a gun. He helped me through everything. Like the time when my simple dismissal of a case because our witness was drunk got 6 other woman raped, or the time I was held as a hostage with a young man named Lee who had been raped. Elliot wasn't there then, but god he helped me afterwards. The biggest thing he helped me through was my HIV scare. You remember me telling you about the Bronx ADA I dated? Jeffery York? Well he was infected and raped and killed and El made sure I was okay with everything.
What is this feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open the door
Surpriseit's time
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independence?
No longer need to be defensive
Goodbye, old you
When love is true
I guess I've changed since we last talked. I'm not sure I like what's happening to me. You know how we used to go out for drinks and rate guys' looks. Every time I go out on my own, or with my friend Brianne, from college, no one measures up to Elliot. No one's eyes can talk to me like his can. No one else has those gorgeous tattoos on his forearm and bicep.
Alex what's wrong with me? I'm not supposed to be giddy over guys, of course, it's not all guys, just this one. I can't talk to Casey about this, I don't know her well enough to talk about a possible flame between me and a coworker. Besides, this is possibly just a phase I'm going through, right?
Miss Guarded-Heart, Miss Play-it-Smart
Miss If-You-Want-to-Use-That-Line-You-Better-Not-Start (no)
But she miscalculated
She didn't want to end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
When Kathy left Elliot, I started my real thinking. My first thought was 'what is the point of love if you're just going to end up hurt?' The only reason I kept hope for myself was the fact that the Stablers were a happy family. I guess I was wrong.
I was able to hang out with Elliot more. He could stay out later with us, and come get drinks. We talked most nights on the phone and had movie nights in our PJs with beer and popcorn so he could ease the pain away. We forged a new connection and renewed the old one. We can talk without words.
So by changing her misconceptions
She went in a new direction
And found inside she felt a connection
She fell in love
I think I know what's happening to me and I don't want it to. Everything that happens between us makes my heart jump into my throat and I can barely breathe. Nothing can happen anyways, I won't be a rebound because a crush isn't worth the heartbreak I'll get when he realizes that he should go back to Kathy, or another gorgeous blonde, feminine woman he meets.
What man wouldn't want a girly wife, someone who they can protect and take care of; someone that these big scary cops can show their softer side to because they sure as hell can't show it at work. The only thing I could do is not care if they watch football all day because hell, I'd be watching too.
What is this feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open the door
Surpriseit's time
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independence?
No longer need to be defensive
Goodbye, old you
When love is true
Is it wrong to sometimes wish that a man would want me enough to fight for me when I push him away? Is it wrong to wish that a certain, blue-eyed man would want me enough to not care about the IAB's damn policy?
I sure hope not because if it is then I'm dead wrong. A couple years of probation might fix me for a while, but love is like a life of crime. It can't be beaten out of someone. One you've been in love once, you're bound to either stay in love, or fall in love again.
Not me though, I will go through rehab and emerge a changed, fixed, woman.
When Miss Independence walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to Miss No-Longer-Afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I fin'lly see
But when you think about it, Elliot makes me smile just by walking into the room. He can always make me laugh when I'm upset and he makes me feel good. We occasionally flirt, it's hardly anything, but I feel giddy when he buys me a drink or calls me gorgeous.
Do you think there could be more to this love thing than meets the eye?
Oh God, I've just realized something. Time to make this a historical document, Olivia Benson is in love!
Thanks for listening Alex, another letter is going into the folder I keep for when you come back. You will come back!
I miss you terribly,
Detective Olivia Benson
What is this feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open the door
Surpriseit's time
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independence?
No longer need to be defensive
Goodbye, old you
When love is true
The End…
