Disclaimer: I don't own them, you don't sue me!
A/N: the song is My Give a Damn's Busted by Jo Dee Messina. The idea for this song was from garretelliot! Thank you so much!
My Give a Damn's Busted
Olivia's POV
"Leave Elliot!" my voice is harsh but it doesn't even begin to tap into the anger coursing through me. "Go after your wife and kids, they need you a whole lot more than I do!"
"Liv," he cuts my name off, I'm inflicting physical pain on him by telling him to get out.
"No Stabler!" he isn't going to sway me this time. "You told me everything was fine at home and that you had no problems. That all must have been a lie because people don't just pack up and leave with out a reason, Elliot, especially not when it involves leaving twenty years of marriage behind!"
I'm playing dirty, I know, but I'm past my strong point and I'm done letting him unintentionally stab me through the heart. He's been miserable for the past few weeks and never told me what was happening; just that everything at home was just peachy. Peachy my ass! Kathy left him and took the kids as well. I wouldn't have cared that he didn't tell me if he hadn't lied about it.
I don't care about how much he's hurting over them right now. He pushed them away himself and if he needs them so much, he should go after them and make things right. He should be a man.
I've been in love with him for the greater part of our six-year partnership, but this time I don't care!
Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.
"Go talk to Kathy, I'm sick of you moping around since she left. You pushed them away and you can bring them back."
He looks at me sadly for a moment. "Liv, that's not it-"
I don't want to hear about it. Not this time.
I'm being irrational. Every night when he went home to his wife, a piece of my heart was chipped off and I'm having a hard time putting all the parts back together. It's stupid to think that maybe he was no longer 'in' love with his wife, that maybe he could love me the way I love him. I'm angry at myself and taking it out on him but I don't care.
"Beg her for forgiveness; hers will be easier to get than mine."
"She's not gonna forgive me!" I can hear a slight defiance in his words and it just makes me angrier.
"Don't leave till she does. Elliot, I really don't care!" if I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll believe it.
"My Ass Benson!" he sneers at me from the doorframe, "You care too much!"
"You're wrong!" I tell him firmly, "My give a damn's busted!"
You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water the lawn.
My give a damn's busted.
"Olivia," he chokes on my name now, half because he's shocked, the other half because of the tears I know are lodged in his throat.
"I wish I cared Elliot, but I did too much of that before! I can search my heart for days and not find anything."
Tears are forming behind his clear blue eyes, he's believing my fibs even if I'm not!
I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'
"'Livia, I'm sorry, please don't do this!" his fists are clenched and his teeth are gritted, but I can tell he's just trying to stave off the tears that are threatening.
"No excuses El, I don't want to listen to them!"
He gives me an incredulous look. "I'm not-" I interrupt him again.
"Shut up Stabler!" I wish I had shouted, it would have made my words more effective. "I don't want to know that she left for a different reason! I don't care about Kathy! I don't care about you! I just wish you would get you goddamn depression out of the bullpen."
I have no idea where those words came from, but they are only half true. I don't care about Kathy. I don't want to hear how much he misses her, how much he loves her. I don't want to hear him say that he would do anything to get her back! But I do care about him. I care about him so much it makes my heart bleed, but I am through caring about this situation he's in.
You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick 'em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
I know Elliot talked to Huang about his problems. Hell, even I've talked to Huang about this divorce too. The fact that I don't care how much it hurts Elliot, the fact that I don't care if he loved her. I'm probably repeating myself here but I don't give a damn.
Huang says that it's not your fault. Even if you hadn't been in love with Kathy, her leaving would have stripped away your male pride. You know what El? I don't give a damn about your pride or your confidence.
Hope you can find someone who helps you through this, because I want your heart to break just like mine did.
Your therapist said
It was all a mistake
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted.
I don't want to hear lame ass excuses!
Because I don't want to end up believing them!
I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
No…
Still nothin'
"Benson," I don't know why, but his voice makes me listen. "I don't think you understand, I don't want Kathy back!" he enunciates slowly and grabs my shoulders staring me in the eyes.
"But,-" this time he interrupts me.
"I'm sorry I lied to you, but if you think about it I really didn't. I never told you Kathy left, but I never said that we were having a happy marriage. I just let you believe that."
Ohmygod! He's right! I'm angry over nothing!
But I still don't care about Kathy! Or the Divorce!
"I don't know what to do if you won't forgive me! Liv, I can't survive with you not caring about me or my welfare. I think about you every damn minute of every damn day. And I care about you, oh God do I care about you!"
I offer him a scathing look, "Maybe I do care about you, but I don't give a damn about your marriage, your divorce, Kathy, or anything that gives you your pissy attitudes!" I stop and notice the grin plastered across his face. "About them? My Give a Damn's still busted, and I don't want it fixed!"
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Come on give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
The End…
