Disclaimer: FANfiction not MYfiction! I own the circumstances but nothing else! BOO HOO!

A/N: Song is I Surrender by Celine Dion! Sorry the update took so long. I've had the worst writer's block!

Sour


I Surrender

Olivia's POV

This is a historic moment so please pay attention. I, Olivia Benson, the big bad cop am scared. I read somewhere that the average life span of an American woman is about eighty years. That sucks; I have forty-three years left to sit around with my fear hanging over my head like a dark veil. Forty-three, that's over half of my life! I can't do this.

The fire in my fireplace is crackling gently and shows no signs of dying out yet. Usually it takes me forever to get a fire going to a point where I don't need to poke it every three minutes, but right now I want it to extinguish itself. Then I can make a quick exit to my bedroom and crawl under the covers and hope to Something that the monsters under my bed have decided to go on a winter vacation because there is too much snow. That way, I don't have to sit here in silence with my partner, praying that no one we work with ever finds out how much he means to me; because that would really suck, especially if IAB were to get involved. I don't think words can accurately describe how much that would suck!

But maybe I can turn and face my demons, so that even if I fail miserably I can prove that I fight for what I want.


There's so much life I've left to live

And this fire's burning still

When I watch you look at me

I think I could find the will

To stand for every dream

And forsake the solid ground

And give up this fear within

Of what would happen if they ever knew

I'm in love with you


If I knew that he felt the same way I do, if I knew that his heart started sputtering whenever I was around, if I knew that he wasn't moping the end of his marriage but the fact that it seems to have driven a wall between us, I'd give in. If I knew that all of the above were true, I'd forget everything just to feel alive in Elliot's arms. He has to make the first move though. I'll wait; but only because I'm too damn chicken to do something myself. I need a guarantee, but I still think we can overcome anything.

I always thought that falling in love would compromise all of my dreams for the future. I think I'm wrong though. I'd still keep all my ideas and my lover could help me meet my goals. I'd reach out and grab onto him and we could ride the biggest waves.


'cause I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it to

We'd make it through

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'd make you give them all to me

I'd hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender


I see him stand up from my couch and I know I can't let him leave. No matter how scared I am of what my heart is doing without my permission, I don't think I can risk another night of insomnia, with only thoughts of Elliot to plague my restless mind. Saying he's the reason I have for living is a definite exaggeration, but saying that he's the one that makes me smile in spite of the horrific things we see every day is probably the truest thing ever spoken.

His back is still to me. I have to act now; swallow my pride and fear and live up to the honorable person I know I am inside. There isn't really a better time than now. Tomorrow is our day off so if things go horribly astray we don't have to stare at each other's ugly mug shots all day. I'm going to get this weight off of my chest and say what I have to say. If I'm lucky, all the locker room talk will have a shred of truth and I can have him love me as more than just a partner. Because I know he loves me, just not the way I love him. I don't think!

No one at work can take away my happiness. A policy is just a guideline, not an actual rule, and if I can keep my head about me at work, there's no argument that they have that I can't rebut.


I know I can't survive

Another night away from you

You're the reason I go on

And now I need to live the truth

Right now, there's no better time

From this fear I will break free

And I'll live again with love

And no they can't take that away from me

And they will see...


He reaches into his pants pocket for his house keys and grabs his cell phone from his waist. He's probably going to call a taxi. The only reason we are here at my apartment in the first place is because we were caught by a snow storm while walking home from the precinct. I watch him grab him coat and sling it over his shoulders and work his arms through the sleeves.

I give in. The love I have for this man is stronger than the fear I hold for my boss' wrath.


'cause I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it too

We'd make it through

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'd make you give them all to me

I'd hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender


Winter is coming on and so it gets dark lighter. It can't be later than eight thirty. I think my clock is wrong again. The fire in my fireplace burns a little brighter and cracks a little more loudly, the flame gobbling up the poor log inside.

I take a deep breath. It's now or never.

"Elliot?"

He stops moving but doesn't turn around to face me. Damn it El, didn't you hear the plaintive note in my voice?

"El, Wait!"


Every night's getting longer

And this fire is getting stronger, baby

I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive

Did you hear my call?

I surrender all


He does turn now, his handsome face looks troubled, and I wonder what he's thinking.

"I have to tell you something!"

Elliot stays near the door, looking like a rabbit about to be devoured by a lion. He's scared. That thought almost makes me laugh. He's scared? I'm about to friggin die from fright!

I stand and walk slowly towards him, noticing that there is still a glint of warmth in his eye-blue eyes but that could just be a reflection from the fire. Our hands meet and our palms slide over each other's, our fingers entwining. This is it! I'm officially about to commit social suicide. I'm gonna be a joke at work, my friends will think I'm a failure! Am I doing the right thing?

Stupid question, of course I am!


'cause I'd surrender everything

To feel the chance to live again

I reach to you

I know you can feel it too

We'd make it through

A thousand dreams I still believe

I'd make you give them all to me

I'd hold you in my arms and never let go

I surrender


"I love you." I whisper to him and I watch his face drain of emotion.

I didn't say that right.

"Actually El, I'm in love with you." I take a deep breath and plunge into the dark abyss. "I think I always have been, I've just been scared. I'm not really sure what scared me, I just know that it's not there now. You are my everything and I'll give you every part of me that you will take!"

I think I need to call the bomb squad. He looks shell-shocked. I see a lone tear inch its way down his cheek to rest on his lips, the lips that I wish I could caress with mine, wish I could taste.

The power to make or break me lies in the palm of him immensely strong hands.


Right here, right now

I give my life to live again

I'll break free, take me

My everything I surrender all to you


"Thank God Almighty for that!" I hear him pray silently before I stand on tiptoe to gently scrape my lips with his. "I'm in love with you too Liv," he whispers fervently. "I was just scared out of my wits about what you'd do if I told you!"

I smile against his mouth before uttering two more words to him.

"I surrender!"


Right here, right now

I give my life to live again

I'll break free, take me

My everything I surrender all to you


The End…..