The next day, despite Monica's fervent objections, Chandler applied in Human Resources for health benefits for his "domestic partner." The woman he spoke to was very understanding and nice. Carla completely believed his story.
Chandler said, "We, um, we've been together seven years, but I never signed up before because I'm not out at work and, um, I just never thought we'd need it."
"Right, right," Carla nodded. "We never plan for emergencies like these."
"But now Joey's lost his insurance with the Screen Actors Guild, and this hernia just came up out of the blue. He kept wanting to wait to have the operation, but I just couldn't let him suffer more."
"Of course!" Carla said sympathetically.
"Anyway, I'll understand if it's too late to get any coverage for the operation, but I was wondering if I could get some paid leave so I can help him recover and everything."
"Certainly. I can get those forms right now, and rush them through. Do you still have that letter from the Screen Actors Guild? They might have listed other options for Joey to receive reduced benefits until he qualified for the full ones again."
"Really?"
"Yes, I can check that for you. I know what a hassle it is to understand insurance."
"Thank you!" So Chandler went home for lunch and rummaged around for every insurance document that Joey possessed from the Screen Actors Guild.
When he brought the stuff to her, Carla skimmed it and helpfully worked something out for them. Chandler was happy, and he didn't even care that he had just declared in numerous company documents that he was in a same-sex marriage with Joey.
At Monica's apartment, Chandler passed on the good news to the gang, but Monica didn't take it well.
"How could you! I should--I should report you to the police or something."
"Said the woman who's been illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment for years."
"That is completely different!"
"Whatever you say," he answered sarcastically. "Just calm down, Monica. It's too late now, and I don't want you upsetting Joey when he comes home."
"Arggh! I can't even look at you now, Chandler. Fine, you don't wanna move in with me? I don't want you here either! I can't believe I almost married you in Vegas!"
"Me neither!" Chandler went back to his apartment and slammed the door.
The chick and the duck were disappointed, still clucking and quacking as if wondering why Joey hadn't come home yet. Chandler smiled and felt that only they understood how much he missed Joey. "Don't worry," he said. "He'll be back soon."
Just then, Ross came in. He tried to make Chandler see that he was disregarding Monica's feelings and being a little nuts.
Chandler stubbornly replied, "Hey, I'm sorry if my best friend means a lot to me! I'm sorry if she can't see why I would want to be there for him when he's been there for me, years before I ever started dating her."
"But Chandler, this is a little extreme, not to mention illegal. I mean, if it were me instead of Joey, would you be doing all this?"
He scoffed. "You have your own insurance, and you stopped being my roommate after college." He pushed Ross out of his apartment. "And you're not Joey!" He slammed the door and locked it.
Ross returned across the hall and shrugged in defeat. Everyone groaned and gave up on reasoning with Chandler for now.
Chandler came to visit Joey later, with a surprise hidden behind his back. "Joe?"
"I'm in here," Joey answered from the bathroom. He washed his hands and dried them, then came back, wearing a robe over his hospital gown.
"Hey, you're up!" Chandler smiled.
"Yeah. What's that?"
"Oh, something to keep you company." Chandler showed him.
"Hugsy!" Joey smiled and grabbed the penguin doll from him.
Chandler laughed. "I wasn't sure if I should bring him, in case you were embarrassed for the nurses to see you sleeping with him."
Joey chuckled and sat down on the hospital bed. "What about them thinking that I'm sleeping with you?"
Chandler shrugged and came to sit with him. "Point taken. So, how are you feeling now, buddy?"
"Okay," Joey sighed and settled back against the pillows, holding Hugsy close to him. "The food here is awful. I thought I could eat anything, but yuck!"
"Poor Joe. You'll be home soon, and we'll have plenty of good food for you. We all miss you, including the chick and the duck."
"I miss everybody too. Hey, how's everything with you and Monica? You're not--?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. We've had fights before, and we always make up. She'll realize that she can't live without me."
A nurse entered. "Oh, don't stop talking. I'm only here to check the bandage." She was amused when she saw Hugsy. "Cute penguin!"
Chandler got out of the way, and she lifted up Joey's hospital gown in order to remove the bandage and examine the scar underneath it. Joey of course had not worn any underwear, and Chandler quickly looked away. Not that he hadn't seen Joey naked before, but he didn't wish to stare.
The nurse was puzzled by Chandler's reaction, and Joey's embarrassment. "It's okay," she reassured them, "I was told about you guys. You don't have to pretend."
"Uh, well, thank you," Chandler replied awkwardly, still staring at his feet.
"Is this why you two don't wear wedding rings? You've had bad experiences with people's reactions in the past?"
The guys nodded along, and Chandler shrugged. "It's a cruel world."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said as she re-bandaged Joey. "You two make such a cute couple."
"Thank you."
"There you go." She finished up and let Joey pull down his hospital gown again. "That scar should heal nicely, and when we send you home, you won't have to wear a bandage over it. Makes it easier to shower, you know?"
After she left the room, Chandler cleared his throat and stood near Joey's bed. "It, um, it doesn't embarrass you too much, does it?"
"No more than usual," Joey shrugged. They had been mistaken for a couple on several occasions. "It's just a little weird, you know, not correcting her. Normally, I'd take an opportunity like that to hit on her, and she'd be asking you to give us some privacy, if you know what I mean."
Chandler was still amazed by Joey's easy confidence and hyperactive sex life. "I'm sorry. I said this wouldn't affect your reputation with women, but it is. Look, after this whole thing is over, I will personally tell all your dates that this was just a phase, and--and you're all man."
Joey chuckled. "Thank you, but I think I can prove that by myself. By the way, when will this be over? When I head back to work and get my health insurance?"
"Yeah, for you, that should be it. But for me, um, I think it might look suspicious if I suddenly cancel the stuff at my office. I guess I'll have to keep pretending I'm with you for another month or so, and then say that we broke up--or, actually, divorced."
"Oh. I hope Monica won't be mad about that."
"It's not like she ever goes to my office anymore. She hates my boss Doug."
"Oh, the guy who kept slapping your butt?" Joey laughed. "Wait, wait--do your work laugh again!"
Chandler did it, and Joey imitated him. Then he made up a laugh for Hugsy and they cracked up even more. It was nice being able to laugh without the agony of the hernia.
