Marrying 117 (part three)
Planet AssholePractically Next Door to High Charity
"RiGoddamnDiculous."
Cortana's playa-hatin' enemy, Rochelle, got word of her engagement to John through the eleven o' clock Asshole News. She has ALWAYS despised Cortana from day one, and now that she's about to marry GQ model of the year 2549, she really can't stand her now.
Rochelle is only a year younger than Cortana, a bit shorter, and a little thicker than she is, Rochelle has this Primadonna attitude. She acts like the world owes her something, she acts like men are supposed to fall at her feet, and she acts like a true bitch. Her clique, Bitches Inc., is a bunch of underdressed, too much makeup wearing, constantly drenched in perfume, weave-head ho's. She and her trash ass friends have tried to break up John and Cortana since Floods became legal pets on Earth.
Her friends have some of the strangest ghetto names on record: ShaNeeNee, Waikiki, Tortilla, Lasagna, Linguine, and Pasta. No wonder they can't get a man.
"Do you damn believe this?" Rochelle asked her nasty-ass friends. "This bitch has one of the silliest names on record and she gets the hottest dude known to mankind. Of all the nerve! This is some Bull—Damn—Shit!"
"Maybe you should do something to ruin her wedding," Lasagna suggested. "Maybe we should all get together and trash her big day!"
"Or pee in the champagne!" ShaNeeNee interjected. Rochelle gave her a nasty glare. "Look, I'm not tryin' to piss in the champagne. I want to"
"Sneeze on the wedding cake?" asked Waikiki.
"Wipe a big, green booger on her face?" asked Linguine.
"Sleep with John and say he came onto you?" asked Pasta.
An evil smile crept onto Rochelle's face. Maybe her no good whore friends will come in handy after all.
"Pasta, that sounds like a damn good idea. I'll sleep with John, say he came onto me, and totally ruin their picture-perfect day! Tee hee! I'll ruin their big day! Then I'll"
"Shit in the flowers?" asked Tortilla.
"Have your dog puke on her wedding gown?" asked Lasagna.
"Eat all the cake and blame it on Tartarus?" asked Pasta.
Rochelle just shook her head and walked away.
Planet Get RealNext Door to Cairo Station
While the jackasses on Planet Asshole are planning to make total asses out of themselves, Shanisha introduces Cortana and John to her wedding planners and decorators.
"Husband and wife to be, I want ya'll to meet my wedding planners. And they are: Ice-Scream, Princess, Squeamisha, Rayon, Crayola, Screamisha, Crayon, Escalade, Noxema, RayShawn, RayQuan, Peaches, and the Chinese twins, Ring-Ring and Ding-Ding."
John and Cortana look at each other, and then look at Shanisha, then at each other, then looks at Willard (who came out of nowhere), and look at each other again. The wedding planners look like a bunch of over made folks in bright colored outfits on Easter Sunday. John notices Rayon (Gay Gay Gay!) winking at him. He politely walks to where Rayon is standing, and picks him up by his foot. While Rayon is hanging upside down, John has the look of 'I'm gonna kill you sucka' written all over his face.
"If you so much as LOOK at me," John said beneath clenched teeth. "I'll rip your gonads off and shove them up your nose. Capeesh?"
A scared smile crept on Rayon's face. The front of his booty huggin' hipsters are completely drenched in pee.
"Y-Y-Yes I won't look at you! You got it!" Rayon said in a shaky tone of voice. John drops him in a dumpster (that came out of nowhere) full of roaches.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There are roaches in here! ROACHES!"
"Okay, where were we?" John asked coolly. Cortana, Shanisha, and Willard (who came out of nowhere) are all staring at him in surprise.
"Uh, Nisha, can we talk to you in hush-hush mode?" asked Cortana. Behind a random door (which came out of the blue) she starts to whisper to her friend about the wedding.
"Look, I know you mean well, but I'm not trying to have our wedding look like a Ludacris video. I was going for something a little more"
"Spartan-ish?" Willard from out of the blue finished for her. Cortana smiles warmly, pleased that he came up with something a little more logical than her fiancé's idea: a nude wedding in the middle of Mars and a honeymoon on Pluto.
"Yeah, a Spartan wedding! Good idea, Willard from out of nowhere," Shanisha said with a big smile on her face. "I can fire the other quacks out there and actually hire someone who got some taste! Those dumb asses really don't know what they're doing…"
John raised an eyebrow, surprised at her sudden change of heart. "Then why in the name of Judas Priest did you hire them?"
Shanisha rolls her eyes and flips him off. "Anyways, where should we start?"
Cortana smiles brightly and fumbles with her bling-bling.
"Start with…my wedding dress…" She glances at John for a second. "And maybe his tux. Since he won't be wearing it for long when I'm done with him."
Keep your ears peeled for part four: Cortana and the Technicolor Dream Gown!