The SHOCK of a Lifetime

Place: Lend Me Some Money Until I Get My Food Stamps On The First Of The Month Street; Inside Ayesha's really nice mansion

While Cortana is giving her wedding gown some much needed stitches, Shanisha is putting the world's biggest ice pack the size of a cinder block on her head. The ice is making the inside of Ayesha's home feel like a refrigerator.

"Uh, Shanisha," Ayesha stammers between shivers. "C-Could you p-put t-that away? It's f-freezing in here!"

Shanisha moves the huge ice pack off of her head as if she were Wonder Woman. The goose egg lump on the top of her head is glowing red, looking like something off of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

"I hope you're happy," Shanisha complained. "Thanks to you, Cortana, I look like a cartoon character!"

Cortana stops what she's doing. She pulls out a small mallet from out of the blue and lightly hammers Shanisha's lump back into her head. The light hammering makes a cartoonish 'dink-dink-dink' noise. She then covers the spot with some cheap, Bargain Barn bandages.

"There, good as new," says Cortana.

The red lump sprouts back up like a vegetable, making the cheap-ass Band-Aids sound similar to a flag in the wind.

"Ohhhhh my head," Shanisha whines. "Ohhh my sweet little poor little achy hollow head!"

"It's hollow alright," Ayesha mumbles to herself. "I wonder what's on TV." She grabs the remote and turns on the TV.

"When Birds Attack…(Changes the channel) Does your hemorrhoids burn and itch? If they do, use Asshole Cream! You bet if it's Asshole Cream! …(Changes the channel) Tonight on MSNBC: Hardcore Porn! Right after When Boob Implant Surgery Goes Wrong! (Woman screaming) "Oh my GOD! My breasts! They're gone! They're gone! (Changes the channel) Tomorrow on Jerry Springer: I Married my Mother's Brother's Cousin's Uncle's Grandma's Baby Daddy! (Changes the channel)"Tonight on the Loser Channel: I'm a loser and proud of it! With your host The Drunken Bum on the Corner!"

Ayesha switches the television off. "Ain't nothin' on this time of night!"

"It's only 7:00 in the evening---oh no, I almost forgot!" Cortana says sheepishly. "Tonight's our engagement party!" She quickly drops what she doing and rushes into Ayesha's bathroom, where her party dress is hanging.

"How are you gonna forget your own engagement party?" Ayesha asks with slight irritation in her voice. "Now I gotta go find somethin' to wear!"

Cortana pops her head out of the bathroom doorway. "You got somethin' to wear! You're rich remember?"

Ayesha smiles ear to ear. "That's right, I am rich. I think I'll wear my pink Chanel gown."

"And I'll wear my Dolce and Gabbana gown!" Shanisha says with anticipation. "With the matching bag!"

After a few minutes of makeup, perfume, pantyhose, and all that other airhead crap I don't do, Cortana, Ayesha, and Shanisha are all looking like a gazillion bucks for the big party tonight. Tonight's the night Cortana tells her little poopsie-woopsie she's got a ham…er…bun in the oven.

Place: Total Showoff Hotel, Downtown New New New New New New New New York

While John and the rest of his Covenant and Human friends await the fabulous party, Tartarus, decked out in a very costly black tuxedo, is eating all the finger food.

"Dude, can you wait until Cortana gets here?" Zuke' Zamamee asks him with irritation in his voice.

With his mouth full of Ritz crackers and squeeze cheese; Tartarus answers him, sprinkling crumbs all over the front of his tux.

"Don't you…(chew chew)…tell me to…(swallow)…wait! Mmmmm, (snort) this is SOOO tasty!" He then grabs another handful of Keebler Club crackers and stuffs them all into his mouth, along with an assload of ham and cheese. (My favorite food.)

"Pig," Zuke' muttered under his breath.

On the other side of the ballroom, John fumbles with his diamond cufflinks, obviously worried about something.

"What's the matter?" Arbiter asks him.

"Nothing," he answers. Arbiter gives John the 'bullshit with a capital B' look.

"Oh yeah, it don't look like nothin'. You worried about Cortana ain't you?"

John nods his head yes. Cortana's thirty minutes late and he's worried about her. Just when he's about to go look for her, she walks in with Ayesha and Shanisha, looking like something out of a rich folks magazine.

"Good, she's here. Now I can get this monkey off my back. GO AWAY MONKEY!" The little monkey jumps off of John's back and runs out the double doors. Cortana finds John and gives him a hug.

"Sorry I'm late," she says. "I almost forgot our own engagement party."

"That's alright," says John. "Things have been going...well…fat lately." He points in the direction of Tartarus, who is filling his face with crab cakes.

"Um, Cortana, are you gonna tell John about the…you know what?" Shanisha asks, pointing at her own stomach.

"Uh…yeah!" She finds a microphone out of the blue and walks to the stage where the Pat Metheny Group is playing.

"Can I borrow this?" Cortana asks Pat. (He's a dude, by the way. And he's one of my favorite smooth jazz artists)

"Yeah, sure," he says, and then moves away to the side.

Feedback from the microphone makes a high-pitched sound, hurting everyone's ears.

"Sorry about that," Cortana apologizes. She clears her throat. "Well, you all know John and I are getting married soon," (Party guests applaud) "and neither of us are having bachelor or bachelorette parties," (Only three claps can be heard.)

"That's what she thinks," The Arbiter says under his breath, nudging John with his elbow. Cortana continues with her announcements.

"…But there is one thing I failed to mention…to my fiancé."

John walks closer to the stage. "Mention what, sweetie?" he asks with concern in his voice.

Cortana sighs, and then spills the beans…all over the stage. Geez, the bag of pinto beans had a hole in it! (Lame joke. Brew-Ha-Ha) Anyway:

"John, I'm pregnant."

The entire ballroom is silent. Tartarus stops eating for once in his chubby life, Zuke's squid-like mouth is open wide with surprise, Miranda Keyes drops her glass of champagne, hell, anyone who's there is in total shock.

"YOU'RE WHAT!" Willard yells, his voice echoing off the walls. John has a look of utter shock on his face. He can't believe what he's just heard.

"Arbiter," John says out of breath.

"What is it, dude?" he answers.

"Catch me, 'cause I think I'm gonna faint in three, two, one…" John faints, landing on the ballroom floor with a cartoonish thump. Everyone has a mindless look on his or her faces.

"What?" Cortana asks. "Is there something in my nose? Why is everyone acting so shocked?"

Pat Metheny taps her on the shoulder, and then points to the floor. "Um, your fiancé's out cold. I think your message was a little over the top." Cortana walks off the stage to see about her sugarbuns.

"John, are you okay?" Cortana asks him.

"Ohh, my head. Arbiter, why didn't you catch me?" John asks him with irritation in his voice.

"Cuz I seen some boobs. Big ones." Arbiter answers him.

Willard shakes his head. "Boobs? That's the ONLY excuse you could come up with?" He suddenly has a change of heart. "Where you see some boobs? How big were they?"

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Cortana says so sugary it makes your teeth hurt.

"Aww, that's okay, Sugarbutt. I hope we have lotsa babies," John says with too much confectioners' sugar in his voice. They continue to add sugar to the entire ballroom, making everybody (including me) sick.

"Sweetie Cakes."

"Poopsie Woopsie."

"My sweet little sweetiekins."

Pat Metheny has had about enough of this toothache session.

"ENOUGH! Can we get on with the party?"

Anybody who is anybody couldn't agree with Pat Metheny more.

Yule see when part eight is up soon: BACHELOR PARTY! (against each other's wishes)