At the restaurant, Joey and Chandler felt incredibly guilty when hanging out with Monica and their friends. Fortunately, Monica suspected nothing, and she spent a lot of time with Rachel at the bar.

While waiting for their meals to arrive, Ross and Phoebe caught the guys up on what had been happening lately.

"Phoebe and the others were babysitting the triplets for Frank and Alice. I was trying to drive my new sports car, but I got stuck in the parking spot."

Phoebe spoke proudly, "I took care of the triplets all by myself!"

"Why, where did Monica and Rachel go?"

"Rachel got something in her eye, and started freaking out. Monica took her to the hospital. But I did it! I did it, all by myself."

They congratulated her and offered to buy her a drink.

Phoebe cheerfully accepted and continued rambling, "I'm a great aunt! Those babies love me better than Alice's sister, I bet. Oh, I wanna see them all the time. I wanna just hug them, and hold them, and--" Phoebe suddenly burst into tears. "I wish I had a baby!"

"Pheebs!" Ross hugged her, and the other guys looked shocked.

"I'm sorry," she tried to calm down. "It's just, I realized that it's been over a year since I had the triplets for Frank and Alice. I thought by now that I'd have a baby of my own, you know, or at least somebody I wanted to have a baby with."

"Hey, it's not your fault that your last boyfriend shot a bird!"

The guys did their best to console her, but she kept crying, and Monica and Rachel came back to the table.

"We saw from the bar. What's wrong?"

They explained.

"Oh, honey!"

The gang gave Phoebe a group hug and murmured various words of comfort. Eventually Phoebe stopped crying, but remained miserable.


After dinner, Monica and Rachel took Phoebe home with them so that she wouldn't be alone tonight. (Phoebe had already confessed to the gang that she had no roommate Denise; she had lied because she still liked having "naked alone time", and didn't want Rachel to move in and spoil it.)

Rachel got out the good ice cream, while Monica consoled Phoebe on the couch.

"You don't even need a man to have a baby, Pheebs! You can get a sperm donor, like I was going to. Believe me, I wish that I had gone through with it, and I still might do it now, considering how rotten Chandler turned out to be!"

Rachel nodded as she handed out the spoons. "Yep! I mean, if all the men in the world are going to turn out to be like Ross, or Chandler, or Joey--"

"Hey!" Phoebe still defended him. "You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!"

They frowned at her. "Phoebe, do you have a crush on him or something?"

She shrugged. "Maybe a little. I mean, I know he's really slutty, but he's one of my backups, so I try to think about all the good, sweet things about him."

Monica was confused. "Wait, one of your backups?"

"Well, we made a pact, that if we're still single when we're forty--"

"Yeah, yeah!" Rachel moved her along. "But you have other backups too?"

Phoebe confessed hesitantly, "Well, I asked Ross once, and Chandler."

"What?" Rachel laughed. "Boy, you really can pick 'em, Phoebe!"

She deeply resented that.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Rachel stifled her laughter. "No, I just mean, that all three of us keep choosing really bad guys. Whether it's our friends, or some jerk in our building, or some wacko off the street..."

Monica nodded. "Yeah, I think we need to hold another boyfriend bonfire. What d'you say, Phoebe? Let me get a bucket and matches."

Rachel nodded. "And remember, no alcohol into the fire!"

While Monica and Rachel bustled around getting stuff, Phoebe put down the ice cream and got up. She'd had enough of this. No one was really listening to her.

"Pheebs, where are you going?" Rachel saw her getting her purse and going to the door.

"I'm going home. I need to be by myself."

"No, honey, we want you to stay here!"

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, and besides, you shouldn't be out walking by yourself at this time of night."

Phoebe shrugged. "I'll ask Ross to drive me home, then."

"But--"

She just left and slammed the door.

Rachel looked at Monica and whispered worriedly, "You, um, you don't think she knew about us?"

"I don't know. Maybe all that man-bashing did it. I mean, there's a point where I'm-sick-of-guys becomes I-just-want-a-girlfriend."

With a sigh, Rachel picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Ross? Phoebe's on her way over. She might want you to drive her home or something, but she's still so upset that we don't think you should leave her alone there. Yeah, just have her stay at your place. Okay, thanks."

Monica and Rachel put away the ice cream and other stuff, then drew the curtains over the big window. They retired to Rachel's bedroom.


When Phoebe arrived at his apartment, Ross hugged her sympathetically and said, "Rachel just called. Come in."

Phoebe did, and sat on the couch, asking Ross to close the curtains on the window.

"Sure," he said.

When he turned back from the window, she asked, "Can I stay the night, Ross?"

He blinked at her, surprised. "Sure, Pheebs. I have an extra bedroom and everything." Ross sat next to her on the couch. "Huh, that's weird. Rachel said that you were gonna ask me to drive you home."

She shrugged. "No, I changed my mind about that."

"Good for you. I'll take care of you, Phoebe. I might not be a woman, but you can still cry on my shoulder."

"I don't want to cry anymore."

"Okay, whatever you want. You wanna turn on some TV as a distraction, or--?"

She suddenly pounced on him and kissed him.

"Wh-wh--?"

She pushed him flat on the couch. "I want a baby, Ross."

"What? No!" He dodged her kisses but couldn't push her body off of him. Ross thought his karate moves would help, but she kept him pinned down. Living on the street had really made her tough.

"Please, Ross. We almost slept together when Carol told you she was a lesbian. Let's really do it this time."

"No! There's a reason why we didn't do it that time--besides the pool table. We're--we're better off as friends."

"If you think that, then why did you agree to be my backup husband?"

"In case Rachel--"

"Ugh, Rachel!" She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I know you're still in love with her and this whole divorce thing was disappointing, but you're not with her now. Don't sit around moping about it. Just do me this favor, as my friend."

"Phoebe, this is more than a favor! You're asking me for a child, a life-changing commitment. What if you change your mind later?"

"I won't! I'm serious about this, and I'm not drunk. Besides, it'll be your baby too, so you can be involved and make sure everything's fine."

Ross considered that, but shook his head. "No, Phoebe! Come on, just go sleep on it tonight, and if you're still serious in the morning, we can talk about artificial insemination maybe."

"No, I wanna try it this way first. Besides a baby, I want a good, hard--"

"Phoebe!" he was deeply shocked.

She teased him. "Come on, Ross, when was your last date? That pizza girl Caitlin?"

"I'm--I'm not gonna sleep with you just because it's been a while. I mean, it would make things awkward with Rachel--"

"Does everything have to be about Rachel? You guys have been broken up for a long time. Not to mention your recent divorce! I mean, I told Rachel that you were my backup, and she just laughed."

Ross looked hurt. "She did?"

Phoebe bit her lip and caressed him comfortingly. "Well, um, she and Monica are in a general man-hating mood right now. She could get over it."

That didn't really cheer Ross up, so Phoebe added softly, "You can pretend I'm Rachel if you want, or Carol."

"Carol," he sighed and looked sad at the memory. "You know, that last night, she took pity on me because of our divorce and everything. Then she ended up pregnant with Ben. That's what you want from me, huh? Ross the baby-making machine."

"No, Ross, it's not just that," Phoebe said. "Maybe Rachel can't see it now, but I know what a great guy you are. You're so sweet and lovable and sexy--"

"Sexy? You think I'm sexy?"

"Yeah," she smiled flirtatiously. "Why do you think we almost slept together before?"

He shrugged. "I thought it was just to comfort me about Carol. I mean, a lot of times it seems like you don't even like me."

"I like you. I just can't always take your boring dinosaur talk and your being skeptical about psychics and stuff. But you're so cute and smart and funny, Ross. You remind me of David, my scientist guy. Plus, you know, you can get a little crazy sometimes, which is so much fun!" She laughed. "I mean, even when I was all mad at you because of that dream where you said I was boring, I still thought you had a nice ass, remember?"

Ross blushed and looked flattered.

Phoebe kissed Ross again, passionately, and he was tempted to give in. She made him relax with gentle massaging caresses on his shoulders.

Ross sighed and kissed her in return. "Well, maybe... maybe just the sex tonight. No baby yet, okay?"

"Okay." She got off him and pulled him eagerly toward his bedroom.