A/N: Hey, I just rewrote Angel's monologue (August 22). Hope you like!

Chapter 13: Everything

Buffy struggled futilely, but as the demons drove her head into the dirt, oxygen became an issue. Her limbs stopped their weak jerking, twitched once or twice, then went still as spots swam before her eyes. She was surprised to find that her surrender didn't bring the peaceful anticipation of death, a real end to life, whether or not her body remained in stasis on the mortal plane, that she had been expecting. She was surprised by the depth of her sadness. Instead of peace, or even the blackness of unconsciousness, images, memories, assailed her eyes and ears.

She walked through burning streets, and her eyes alighted on a group of people–no, not people: demons–a group of demons in the middle of the street. She walked closer, mesmerized, blinking desperately to clear her vision. Between the demons she could see a vaguely familiar form. She stopped in her tracks as recognition floated up out of the fog that was her mind. Her shocked mind was attempting to process this information when a scream ripped from her throat as she was violently, viciously, torn apart. Then the demons turned to her, and she was running, blind fear coursing through her, along with the knowledge that she had died, that she had lost her peace, that she was here, in this place, this hell...Her dazed mind ran in circles and she did not even realize that the demons were far behind her, that the threat was gone, for now...

That memory faded, only to be replaced by another.

"Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?"

"Yeah. That's what I had to do."

The next memory followed with dizzying speed.

"Did they tell you you belonged here? Did they say this was your home again? Were you offered pretty lies, little girl? Or did they even give you a choice? You're the one who's barely here. Set on this Earth like a bubble. You won't even disturb the air when you go."

They came faster and faster, leaving her overwhelmed and out of breath, desperately trying to control her own mind.

"I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy...at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form, but I was still me, you know? And I was warm...and I was loved...and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it, really, but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out by my friends. Everything here is...hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch...This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that, knowing what I've lost..."

"Well, 'cause, you know, since you've been back, you haven't exactly been big with...the whole range of human emotions thing."

"It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!"

"Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong."

"I may be dirt, but you're the one who likes to roll in it, Slayer."

"Do you even like me?"

"Sometimes."

"But you like what I do to you."

"Buffy, I-I promise, there's nothing wrong with you."

"There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me. Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me?"

"You mean hit you...Oh. Oh, huh. Really."

"He's everything I hate. He's everything that I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when...Don't tell anyone, please."

"I won't."

"The way they would look at me...I just couldn't..."

"I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that."

"Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?"

"Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're..."

"What? Using him? What's okay about that?"

"It's not that simple."

"It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please...Please don't forgive me, please...please don't...Please don't forgive me..."

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut against the memories assailing her senses. All of the rage, the hatred, the pain returned to her, as strong as it had been at the time. She pressed her hands to her ears to shut out the sound of her own sobs, unaware that they were coming from her present body, and not a past moment of weakness. She withdrew her hands as another sound filled her head, drowning out the cries.

"So one by one they turn from me

I guess my friends can't face the cold

But why I froze

Not one among them knows

And never can be told"

Buffy opened her eyes to find light; feeling as if she'd been lost in the darkness for days, her eyes sought out the source of the light with a desperation that had been lacking in her fight with the demons. The light was streaming down from an opening above her. The Slayer could see her friends and family talking and laughing without her, so far out of reachShe stared up at them with tears in her eyes. A familiar voice cut off the happy sounds of Willow, Xander, Dawn, Anya, and Tara.

"You see, you try to be with them, but you always end up in the dark. With me. What would they think of you if they found out all the things you've done? If they knew who you really were?"

Buffy turned from the light and looked down. There, in the ground beneath her, crouched Spike. She knew the words to come before they reached her ears.

"Don't."

"Stop me..."

She closed her eyes, trying to shut him out, trying to shut the memories out.

"No, don't close your eyes."

She couldn't help obeying. Her eyes opened of their own accord and turned to regard the sunny day above her.

"Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows. With me."

Buffy watched in horror as the vampire began to rise from the ground, one hand snaking out to grasp her ankle before she could retreat. A new, harsher memory assaulted her already reeling mind when his hand came into contact with her skin.

"No, ow, ow. Please, please, Spike, please..."

"You'll feel it again, Buffy," Spike said as he lunged forward with his other hand, catching her other leg before she could kick him away.

"Please don't do this," she pleaded, the words coming from her own mouth this time.

"I'm gonna make you feel it."

With that, he began to pull her into the earth. She wept and struggled in his grasp, frantically clawing at the crumbling dirt as she was pulled under.

---

Angel was sitting by her bedside, one hand gripped hers, the other pressed to his forehead. His brooding was shattered as her pulse quickened beneath his fingers. His head snapped up, and he looked from her face to the heart monitor as her heartbeat went quicker and quicker. He didn't need a doctor to tell him that it was not a good sign.

"Oh no, Buffy no," he whispered in horror. "You can't go like this; you can't leave me like this."

His head bowed in grief, he wrapped both of his cold hands around her warm one. "I know I left you, and not just once. I was so sure I was doing the right thing...for you, and for the world. But now I'm not so sure."

Angel watched in shock as her face shifted. Her eyes moved rapidly beneath her eyelids as her brow furrowed slightly. The corners of her mouth twisted as if she were in pain. The vampire blinked back tears as he struggled to voice his fears.

"Where would we be if I'd stayed, if I'd never left? Or if I'd stayed with you last time, when you wept in my arms and cried for help? Would you still be lying here, d–" He paused and gulped. "I was so wrong. I thought I could live without you. I thought I could maybe even move on." He snorted. "I tried. I really thought I could love Cordelia. I do love her, but not like I love you. I can never love anyone with every fiber of my soul, like I love you. You're irreplaceable, you hear that? Which is why you can't die, you can't leave me alone again. When you died last time, I had to keep going; I had to be strong. But I don't have it in me to do it again. The idea of an eternity without even the hope of someday seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, gazing into your eyes one last time...it's just too much. I can't go on without you. You're my happiness, my goddamn metaphorical sunshine, my soul...You're my everything."

Angel held his gaze on her beautiful face as tears poured down his cold cheeks. He held his gaze on her, unwavering, as his vision blurred.

---

"STOP!"

Buffy didn't know where the word came from, where she found the strength, but she supposed it didn't matter; all that mattered was that she had found it. Spike was gone, and so were the demons. She was alone, but it didn't bother her. She knew what she had to do. The Slayer extended an arm, wrapped her fist around a root buried deep in the earth, and began to climb.

A/N: So there you go. Chapter 13. I hope you liked it, give me some feedback and let me know! This chapter was harder than usual to write, which is odd because A) I stole a lot of it from season 6, and B) I knew what was gonna happen. Buffy's memories are from "Bargaining, Pt. 2," "After Life," "Flooded," "Smashed," "Wrecked," "Dead Things," "Once More, With Feeling," and "Seeing Red."

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. Keep doing it!