Introduction
No, it's not December. And no, technically, I'm STILL studying...but I couldn't resist posting up this one before my muse runs away. I can only update this (if I ever get the chance) during my spare time (cringe).
This is dedicated to my cousin Roxanne, who has this funny thing for weddings bells...
Well, that's all I wanted to say. Please enjoy!
XXX
A Funny Thing Happened...
Chapter One
Jerk.
Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, JERK!
"I hate men."
The look on Cagalli's face said it all. She was pissed off. And as she muttered incoherent curses about the defective products God had created to rule the earth in the form of men, she stormed over into her living room and glared kitchen knives and daggers at the photograph of her and Mr. Jerk.
It was a snapshot of Yuuna Roma Seiran, Mr. Jerk, and ex-boyfriend, with his arm around her cringing body. It was taken last Christmas when the mistletoe had happened to be above them. Of course, when Yuuna tried to take advantage of the situation, her fist of fury had quickly pounded the perverted thought away.
Cagalli grabbed the picture and contemplated on how to best eradicate it while attainting the ultimate satisfaction in doing so.
Hmm...Roasting it over a fire is good...but then boiling it is even better! Or how about I hack it into pieces?
Her tawny eyes glinted. Why should the picture be destroyed? It did nothing to her. It was Mr. Jerk she wanted to hack into pieces!
But it would definitely make her feel good.
Okay, the thing is, she wasn't totally devastated over the loss of her boyfriend. He was, as mentioned above, an A-class Jerk. But what women wouldn't feel mad as hell when she caught her own boyfriend of ten months, practicing the wonders of lip-lock with her worst nightmare, Mia Campbell.
How did she catch him red-handed?
Here is how the disgusting scene unfolded:
Cagalli: (Knocks on door) Hello? Is anybody home?
No one answers.
Cagalli: (Knocks again) Hello? Hey, Yuuna you idiot, I know you're back from work by now! I've got some important documents my dad wants to give to your father! HELLO?
No one answers. Strange groans are heard.
Cagalli: (Frowns and turns the doorknob. The door isn't locked. Walks and sees Yuuna.)
Yuuna the Jerk: (Kissing a pink-haired woman)
Cagalli: (Narrows eyes) What the HECK!
The couple breaks off. Yuuna's eyes bugs out and he lets go of Mia.
Mia the Witch: (Smirks) How nice of you to drop by, Cagalli. Yuuna and I were just...talking to each other.
Cagalli: (Sarcastic) Oh sure. You talk with your mouths glued to each other. That's a first. Tell me another story.
Yuuna the Jerk: (Pales) C-Cagalli, I can explain –
Cagalli: (Snorts and turns around) Save your lies for someone more gullible. I'm out of here!
It amazed her to discover her relationship with Yuuna was only as strong as cheap glue holding together a piece of old paper to a cracking wall.
But it came as no surprise to her. Cagalli had always known Yuuna was a backstabbing rat from the moment he walked into her eighteenth birthday party and kissed her hand.
"Ah...your eyes are like the fiery coals of the hearth and your hair like the golden sun shining brightly in the sky."
Can you say 'barf city'?
But to please her father Uzumi (who happens to be Unato Ema Seiran, Yuuna's father's close friend), Cagalli had to grit her teeth and bear with Yuuna's impossible personality and (get this) become his girlfriend. Sure, the idea alone was repulsive to her...but for her father's sake she endured it all. Uzumi was aligning his company with Unato's business, and that meant Cagalli had to play nice to the enemy...
But enough was enough. They were through! Finished! Ka-put!
Now where was her butcher knife...? Aha! Here it is, right on the kitchen counter. Now for some chopping time!
Knock, knock, knock!
Who is interrupting my revenge plans? Cagalli fumed as she put down the picture frame and her cleaver and marched over to the door.
When she opened it, her brother Kira Yamato stood in front of her.
And he looked absolutely heartbroken.
"Kira, what's wrong?" Cagalli asked as sisterly worry kicked into gear.
His voice was hollow when he replied, "I-It's Lacus."
"Lacus? As in Lacus Clyne, the girl you've been so crazy over for the last five weeks?" Cagalli asked. She'd never actually met this 'Lacus Clyne'. But according to Kira, she was a famous international pop star who had recently had a break from singing and met Kira during her vacation on a cruise to Hawaii. They had hit it off from the start. Cagalli should know, since she had to listen to Kira sing praises about his new girlfriend via nightly phone calls for the last few weeks. She figured she lost 5 out of her usual 8 hours of sleep thanks to those calls. But like any long-suffering sister would do, she put up with it.
The almanac on her wall indicated there was still five days left to go before Kira's vacation was over. So why was he back here already?
"Can I come in?" Kira asked tiredly.
"Of course...just watch your step. I haven't cleaned up for a while."
That was an understatement. She almost never cleaned up her apartment. But amidst this chaos she did have a system...sort of. She just left the strewn clothing and books and papers the way it is (scattered all over the floor) and pick it up from where she left it in the first place. It was a tricky habit, but she got the hang of it overtime.
Kira, who was a total neat freak, ignored the mess and flopped down on the sofa.
"Okay, now I KNOW you're upset. You always criticize the mess in my room before entering," Cagalli said as she sat down with him. Then stood up when she felt a pen stick out from the springs.
"Oh, so that's where my fountain pen went..."
Kira was too depressed to roll his eyes.
Taking the offending pen off the sofa, Cagalli plopped down next to him. "Now tell your big sister what happened."
And so the story spilled forth.
It took him two hours. But to cut a long story short: Kira and Lacus were totally in love. But as soon as the cruise stopped at Hawaii, she broke off their relationship in a sudden burst of tears, wailing about some 'engagement' while packing her bags and he hadn't seen her since. He would have searched for her had he known where she'd run off to. He tried calling her many times, but either she missed her call for a million consecutive times or she didn't want to talk to him ever again, Lacus never called back. So here he was, broken-hearted and miserable in Cagalli's apartment.
Kira sighed. "I don't know what to do, sis. I miss her. But maybe I should just give up and save myself from more heartache and –"
Instantly Cagalli glared at him. "That's the coward's way out, Kira! Didn't you tell me over the phone, again and again like some broken record player, that you were in love with her, for FIVE straight WEEKS!"
He blinked. "Well...that's right."
"And didn't you tell me you'd do almost ANYTHING for her?"
Still puzzled, he nodded.
"Then you can't give up on her! It would mean those hours spent listening to you gush over your love for her come to nothing! And that would make me angry. And you DON'T want me angry, do you, Kira?" Cagalli narrowed her eyes dangerously in a 'say-no-and-I-will-murder-you-in-the-three-thousand-ways-I-know-how' way.
He nodded again, this time with a sweat drop.
"So get your sorry butt off my sofa and phone her again! Ask her to explain why she left you!"
He frowned. "B-But what if she doesn't answer –"
"Don't think so far ahead, Kira. Just go for it and keep phoning until she does answer. Now hop to it, soldier!"
Kira mocked saluted and marched out of Cagalli's door.
"Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yes." Cagalli smirked evilly as she picked up the cleaver and loomed over the picture frame.
Exactly 30 seconds later as Cagalli was happily slicing Yuuna's pistil neck in half, the door swung open and Kira walked in again. This time he wore a shocked and brokenhearted look.
Not a good combination.
Cagalli's eye twitched. "I take it something bad has happened."
Kira sat on the sofa with the grace of a robot set on automatic pilot.
She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Okay, fill me in."
"She...has...a...fiancé..."
"That's not so bad...WHAT! A FIANCE!" Cagalli's jaw dropped.
"She's...going...to...get married...next Monday."
"Next Monday!" Okay, now she was seriously sounding like a mimicking parrot. And dang it, she was a human being with a bigger-than-a-parrot's brain! And she should shut her mouth and use that brain to think of a plan of action! She started pacing the floor. "That leaves us only THREE days from her wedding! Are you sure you don't mean next, next Monday?"
Kira gave her a look.
"Okay, okay, so it IS three days away." She paused. "Oh well. There're a lot of other fishes in the sea."
"But I can't just let go of Lacus without a fight! In fact..." He narrowed his eyes in resolve. "In fact, I'm going to head on over to her house and try to change her mind."
"Is that a good idea?"
Kira scowled. "Hey, who's the one who told me not to give up on her?"
"I did?"
"Yes, you did! And I'm going to take your advice."
Cagalli frowned. "Well, according to the fine art of warfare, we must first evaluate the enemy. In this case, it's Lacus's fiancé. Do you know anything about him?"
"Not really. All I know is, he's a British official and his name is...I think it was Athrun Zala." Kira tapped his chin. "Now why does that name ring a bell...?"
"Who cares if his name rings bells? We have to scope out the competition! Because if he ends up being a jerk, then you've got to stop their wedding before it's too late!" An image of a fat, graying old man with world-weary eyes and a perverted grin crossed her mind and she shivered. She'd heard of arranged marriages and almost always young women would be forced to wed to filthy rich old men in the hopes of gaining wealth for their parents. Lacus Clyne might be a victim of that sad plot!
"Well, I'm going to save Lacus! Thanks, sis. But I've got to book a plane to Britain. I think that's where she's staying with her fiancé. See you later!" Kira jumped to his feet with renewed determination and ran out of the doorway.
She sighed.
Okay, that crisis is solved...for now.
But...what if her brother failed? Knowing him, she was pretty sure he would fall flat on his face when dealing with personal issues like this one. Despite the fact that Kira Yamato was chairman of an international company and possessed excellent verbal skills, his tongue would go inarticulate in the presence of his own problems...especially a girlfriend.
Take Fllay Allster for example. She was his first girlfriend...almost married her really...if he had the courage to bend down on one knee and place the ring on her finger. In the end, Miss Posh Snob just got tired of waiting for Kira to pop the big question and dumped him.
Of course, Cagalli disliked Fllay. She only tolerated her annoying whining and bossiness for Kira's sake. But she hid her joy under a "that's too bad..." line when Kira told her about the break-up.
Then there was Girlfriend #2, Mia Campbell. Oh, superficially she was sweet, pretty and oh-so-charming. But Cagalli had known from the start that the girl was a two-faced leech. In less than a week together, Mia had decided Kira just wasn't up to her standards (as in, she was hankering for someone else) and dumped him too. Mia wasn't too happy when Cagalli remarked loudly that a garbage bin would make a better girlfriend than Mia could.
The next girl was Lacus Clyne. And she had dumped her brother too. Cagalli didn't want to pass judgment just yet, but she was getting tired of having to pick up the pieces when Kira's relationships go awry.
That's why this time she was going to make sure Lacus was 'the one' for him.
And if she was, no so-and-so fiancé would stand in the way of her brother's happiness.
Cagalli frowned. Butchering Yuuna's picture will just have to wait.
"To Britain, it is."
XXX
TBC
XXX
