(recording) Hello, Fellowship of the Ring, elves are stupid. We're about to go through the Mines of Moria, so if you're my cousin Balin or any of his friends, we've warned you that we're coming. Reception in the mines might be bad, so speak loudly and clearly. Or else. beep!
-Pippin here. Let's play riddles to pass the time! Hey Merry, what's big and dark and creepy?
-Hello Pippin, Merry here. The answer is this mine. Too easy.
-Okay, okay. What's empty and hard to see in?
-The dark. And my stomach.
-Your stomach is hard to see in? That makes no sense. What's quiet and old and dangerous?
-Gandalf in a "mood." Stop asking riddles!
-Hello Gandalf. This is Galadriel. On behalf of Lothlorien Insurance Agency, I regret to inform you that your life insurance policy has been cancelled. Because frankly, we can't afford to pay you that much, and we know you'll come back to collect. Yes, I've been using my mirror. What's it to you? It's not cheating; it's just using the resources available. Good luck in your next life.
-Actually, Merry, that last riddle was "this mine" again. But I like your answer! Too true!
-Gandalf, this is Saruman. Stop calling my palantir. I'm getting fed up with getting a busy signal every time I try to use it. Or is this some fiendish plot of yours to keep me from finding out where you are now? It won't work. I can call up your service provider any time I want and make them tell me where your phone signal is broadcasting from.
-Merry Sam Frodo! It's Pippin! I found a pizza place that will deliver into the mines! Tell me toppings!
-Hello hobbitses. Cans they hear us now? Gollum! Cans they hear us now? Gollum!
-Gandalf? It's Frodo. Gollum's following us around, not that you probably haven't noticed, but can you make him shut up?
-Frodo, this is Gandalf. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little busy trying to lead you through the mines safely, and I don't have time to deal with Gollum too. Tell him to bugger off yourself. Oh, and who's been ordering pizza? Tell him I like pepperoni.
-Yo Aragorn! Gimli talking! Does it seem a bit deserted around here? Like, where have all the other dwarves rocked off to? They better not have forgotten to invite me to a party again!
-Meriadoc Alpha to Peregrin Alpha, come in Peregrin. You have been assigned rear guard. Any nasty beasties sneaking up on us?
-Peregrin Alpha to Meriadoc Alpha. Report: one slime creature, alias Gollum, following patrol. All clear in front?
-Meriadoc Alpha to Peregrin Alpha. Negative, Peregrin, lots of orcs coming this way. I suggest running and screaming our heads off.
-Copy that, Meriadoc. Peregrin Alpha ready to run. Let's just follow everybody else; they seem to be running too. Gosh, war games are fun!
-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!
-Hello everyone. I'm a great big flaming cow beastie. Run for your lives.
-Pippin? This is Sam. Please say you left that message as a prank call.
-Negative, Samwise Alpha. The great big flaming cow beastie left it.
-Everyone? This is Gandalf. Goodbye. If you can hear me, you're not running fast enough. Scram.
Forty-eight reviews? Forty-eight? They're multiplying! Run for your lives! *runs and hides under the bed* Actually, I'm just going to ask for more, so keep on reviewing! Oh, and Gollum is imitating a really annoying phone commercial, just in case anyone hasn't seen it and was wondering what that was about.
