(recording) Hello, you have reached the Fellowship of the Ring, sans Gandalf. If you're an orc, please hang up and don't dial again. If you're calling from Gondor, leave a message that will help me convince everyone that we should head for Minas Tirith on the way to Mordor. If you're anyone else, leave a message after I blow the horn of Gondor. Hwurrr-hurr-hurr

-Hey Merry, it's Pippin! This time instead of riddles, let's have a sing along! Can you think of any good songs?

-Sam? This is Frodo. Do you see anything funny about that log behind us?

-Cans they hear us now? Gollum!

-Frodo, it's Sam. Do you mean the log with Gollum sitting on it holding a cell phone?

-Pippin, this is Aragorn. Shut up now. I don't care if you're only down to "fifty-six flagons of ale on the wall," you are not going to sing the rest of that song. The river is very deep here, and I've heard that hobbits can't swim. Do I make myself clear?

-Hello Legolas, this is Frodo. I don't know if you've noticed, but Gollum's following us. Do you think you could turn around a bit and shoot him? I don't have a bow, that's why I'm asking.

-This is Legolas the canoeing elf. I'm trying to paddle a boat, Frodo. If I try to shoot Gollum, we'll probably run into something and sink. Just ask Aragorn if you can use his bow.

-Hello Frodo, this is Aragorn. Don't even think about it. Yeah, I've been listening to all your messages. It is my phone, isn't it? I thought so. And my bow is not available for rental to whatever little hobbit wants to play with it today.

-Hello everyone? This is Frodo. I'm just taking a walk, all right? No need to worry about me, I'm just fine. Hello? Doesn't anyone ever pick up the phone? Serve you right if you go panicking after ignoring me when I try to tell you where I am. All right then, I'll just go find a nice place to sit and I'll time how long it takes someone to come looking for me. See you soon.

-Hey, this is Aragorn, has anyone seen Frodo?

-Hello, Boromir. This is Frodo. It only took you guys three minutes and thirteen seconds to begin worrying about my whereabouts.

-Frodo, it's Boromir. The others haven't worried about you yet. And I'm not worried about you, just the ring. Hand it over. Do I need to make threats? I know where you are every minute of the day, because I'm traveling in a small group with you. I can easily make your life miserable. Stepping on the backs of your shoes while we hike, that sort of thing. Wait, you don't wear shoes. Okay, stepping on your toes. Just give me the ring!

-Hello fellowship, we are a bunch of Uruk-hai. Not orcs, so we can leave you a message. You are all going to die. Well, most of you are. Hobbits will just be beaten up a bit and carried off. We just wanted to tell you, because we believe in playing fair. You have a head start beginning now…okay, your time's up. Grrrrrrr!

-Frodo, this is Sam. I'm going to keep talking, because the phone makes a beeping noise while it records messages and I need to find you. Okay, I hear it. I'm coming!

-Hey, Aragorn? Gimli? Legolas? It's Boromir. What's going on? I've been blowing my horn for at least five minutes and no one's coming. Well, let me rephrase that. You aren't coming, but a whole lot more orcs are. Got to go!

-Hello? Someone in Gondor? I'm not sure this phone does long-distance, but I'm trying. My name is Aragorn, and I regret to inform you that Boromir is dead. If someone is listening to this, could you please make sure his father finds out? Thanks.

-Hello everyone, Sam and Frodo here. We just wanted to say goodbye, because service in Mordor is limited to local calling distance so we won't get to speak to you again. Good luck with whatever you're doing now. And tell Pippin we left the mushrooms in his pack.

The end of the Fellowship of the Ring, Ring, Ring! But I will begin posting The Two Telephones soon. Just not next week, because I'll be on a vacation. Meanwhile, I'd like to thank my friend Dodger for coining the phrase "big flaming cow beastie," and Tolkien for not coming by and beating me up for doing this to his story. And of course, all you reviewers. If anyone else has requests for TT, it's not too late to give them!