(A/N: Sorry for the wait! I know it's been forever since the last time I updated anything, much less this story...)

(recording)Thank you for calling Meduseld in Edoras, home of King Theoden. If you would like to hear the latest muster call, press one, then enter your eored's five-digit numerical code. If you have called to report an orc sighting, press two to be connected to our foreign relations department. If you have called to speak to the king and are a personal acquaintance of his, press three, enter your personal identification code, speak your name for voice-identification, do your choreographed tap-dance routine, blow your nose, give a five-minute lecture on the plant of your choice, tell your favorite joke, hold your breath for thirty seconds, then inhale deeply and bellow your battlecry while holding the phone exactly one foot away from your mouth, and re-enter your personal code by pressing the buttons with your tongue. Then your call will be put through to his cellphone. If none of these options fit your reason for calling, press four and leave a message after the tone. Someone will get back to you shortly. Have a nice day...Either make your choice or hang up already! You're tying up the line, and no way am I going to repeat all that...

-Uh, this is just a general message, if anyone has seen Gandalf, tell him I found his phone, he must have dropped it sometime last night... and, uh, Theoden? Your voice-identification thing won't connect me to your phone, who told you my name was "Aragorn the Hunk"? It's kind of worrying me...

-Hello Theoden, this is Saruman. I've been talking to Grima here, and I hope you have a good lawyer, because I've convinced him to sue you for "undue emotional distress" and "discrimination in the workplace" after the way you fired him from his advisorship. Just wanted you to know, so you'd have plenty of time to worry about it!

-Aragorn, it's Theoden. Gandalf left last night, are you sure it's his phone you found? He's usually not that forgetful. Oh, and I have no idea who entered that name into the system, I'll talk to Eowyn about it, she's in charge of the communications department.

-Er, Theoden, it's Gimli. What if I can't tapdance?

-Gimli, it's Theoden. I didn't quite get your last message, why should I care if you can dance or not?

-King Theoden, this is Legolas the rather disgusted elf. I refuse to touch the phone with my tongue in any way. Frankly, it is unsanitary and just plain gross.

-Eowyn, this is your uncle. I just listened to the Meduseld recording. We're going to have a serious talk, young lady, as soon as I get back from Helm's Deep.