"IF ONLY YOU SAW ME"

Chapter Thirteen: Joia's Secret

"...Is that how it was?... The truth forever hidden...a shattered pain unleashed... I'm sorry you felt that way..."


Squall looked at Joan. "Joan I..."

"I know its you...yet... I dont know if you're the Squall I think you are..."

He tilted his head in confusion, his eyes growing a bit blurry, "What do you mean?"

She looked at him through the cloth, "My vision is bad. But it came back slightly. I cant see you well behind this sock."

He laughed. She laughed too. "Well, take it off then." He said.

She nodded and took the cloth off her eyes. As soon as she did, she looked at Squall's face and gasped. She fell back from her chair, cutting her hand on her charm bracelet that she had for many years. She hissed, looking away from Squall. "Joan?"

She didnt do anything. She simply shook her head madly, whispering gibberish and nonsense. Squall knelt be her, shaking her, "Joan! joan!"

She looked at him through the cloth. He held her tightly, still looking at him, "What's wrong with you?

He removed her "sock" covering her eyes and looked at them. She kept them closed, turning her face away from him. He cupped her face, pulling it to face him. "Open your eyes. Look at me. What are you scared of?"

She opened them, exposing blood filled eyes. They were similar to his...so he thought.She blinked away. "Joan?"

Lowering her head, she coughed, "Squall...you..."

He tried to look at her, "I what, Joan? I what?"

She didnt face him. She was trembling in his arms. "You're..."

"JOAN!" He was becoming impatient. he wanted to know what was wrong with her? Why she reacted the way she did? Why she was scared of him?

She looked at him, "I know who you are!" she said, crying blood-filled tears.

He looked at her, "Of course. I'm with your daughter, Rinoa."

She shook her head madly again, "NO!NO!"

Squall looked at her, trying to look into her eyes, "Tell me. What do you mean by no?"

She looked at him, puting her bloody hand on his chest, "Dont you know why you love her?" she asked calmly.

Squall looked at his newly blood stained shirt and at Joan, "She makes me happy. She makes me alive. She makes me realise that I can do anything as long as i have her by my side."

"Is that really it?"

He nodded. She sighed. "No it isnt."

He looked at her angrily, "It is!"

She shook her head, "when you love someone, you cant explain why you do."

He grabbed her and looked at her sternly, "When you lived as long as I have, you know alot of things."

She looked at him, "Just because you've lived 674 years doesnt make you any wiser than a normal man of your time."

He looked at her confused, "674? But...how did you.."

Joan's eyes went wide and she stood, running toward the exit. Squall grabbed her before she reached the door, "NO! How do you know this?"

She looked at him, "I know...because..."

"Because what?" Squall asked sternly.

A tear fell from Joan's eye, "I know becuase... Joia told me."

Squall's heart sank. Joia told her. How did she know Joia? Joia has been dead for years. "Joia told you this? How do you know of Joia? IS this some kind of game?"

She shook her head, "No! No! Its not...its not..."

He saw the depsair in her expression and led her back to the table. Picking up her seat, he sat her down and knelt next to her, "Tell me."

She let her head fall in her hands, " The day Rinoa was born... I was having a bad delivery. Rinoa wasnt going to make it. She was only five months into pregnancy when I went into labour. I wanted to give birth to her, but through the entire time, Doctors were telling me I may have a stillbirth or she would die within an hour. I was crying trough the whole labour. I couldnt push her out, yet it felt like she was ripping through my insides. I was almost blacking out...when I saw this woman... a beautiful woman hover over me. She said that my baby girl was fine... and she fell into my belly. I awoke with the doctor saying that my baby girl was fine. I didnt think of it at the time... I just thought perhaps it was an angel who helped my daughter to live. Then...when Rinoa was barely 2 months old... her no good father Caraway... left me for another woman. I became emotional...and wasnt much help to Rinoa either. Till one day... I saw the woman again,the one who fell into me at RInoa's birth, standing at my doorway. I thought I was hallucinating. That she was real. Til she walked up to me, putting her hand on my shoulder and asked me how I was doing.We began to talk...and talk... and talk...for days. She helped me with Rinoa. She helped me in everyway. Made my life alot better."

Squall had his chin on her lap, listening to every word she said. She smiled at him, "Joia was really nice." She said.

He nodded, "Yes. She was an angel."

Joan's smile faded, "Well. One day... I asked her if she could bathe Rinoa for me, since I was busy cooking for all of us. And she said she would. Yet, as I was cooking, I heard gurgling and crying. I ran to the bathroom to see what was the problem and Joia had Rinoa's head underneath the water."

Squall shot up, looking at her, "She did what...?"

Joan nodded, "I threw myself at her, taking Rinoa away from her. I then told her to get out of my house and never come back. When I said that... she just dissapeared. Just...POOF! Into thin air. I then thought I was making her up. Someone to help me get by and realise I dont need her anymore."

Squall put his head in his hands. Was it really Joia?

She nodded, "Yes. Thats what I thought. But about a week after that I think... I was sleeping and felt someone hit the side of my bed. When I opened my eyes, I saw Joia hovering over me... with a blood stained dress. She placed her hands around my neck and trued to strangle me. She was mumbling al of these things...saying...Rinoa must die...Squall was hers... Rinoa will never have Squall... She should Die...DIE!"

Joan was lost in her words as she spoke. Tears were building up in her eyes...Squall knelt by her again and put a hand on her shoulder, "Please...continue..."

Joan didnt hear him for she never stopped talking. "She then dissapeared. I ran to Rinoa's room to find her holding Rinoa in her arms as she slept. I stepped forward, I think, and I just saw flashes of memories... I saw Joia wearing a white dress staring at the moon... I saw you talking to her... I saw you and her make love for the first time...I saw you try to bite her yet back away... and... I saw you...kill her... I shook my head, I think, and tried to take Rinoa from her arms. She hugged Rinoa close to her, smearing her blood all over Rinoa's face. She then said that I was cursed with your pain... whatever Rinoa caused you... I would feel."

She looked at him, "Which is why your eyes are bleeding... and so are mine." She showed him her hands, "Which is why I look and feel burned... as you are from sunlight. She told me everything that night... everything... Her plan was for you to stay suffering becuase you never looked back. You never looked back to see her before you stabbed her. She wanted you to suffer with your guilt and never love again. That was her secret...she told me..."

Tears filled within Squall's eyes, "Thats a lie..." he said.

Joan shook her head, "No...its the truth...sht old me herself... I ran to my good friend Julia to tell her... yet when she saw Rinoa and I covered in blood she called the hospital...and the hospital sent me here... where I've been at for the last 20 years..."

Squall landed on hands and knees on the floor. He didnt want to believe it... but everything made perfect sense. She knew everything that had happened...(If only I had seen her...I would have never killed her...but then...Rinoa...)

He looked up at her, "She doesnt want me with Rinoa..." he said.

Joan shook her head, "No..."

"Then why did she...save her when you were giving birth to her..."

Joan smiled, "She had told me in the beginning she felt a bright future was set for Rinoa. So she gave Rinoa part of her soul to help revive the dying one Rinoa was going to be born with."

Squall looked away, "...explains why they look identical..."

"Excuse me?"

he looked at her, "Joia and Rinoa...they look identical...spitting image..."

Joan put a hand to her mouth, "Then? My Rinoa...looks like my enemy...?"

Squall nodded, "Yes."

A tear fell from her eye, "Maybe thats why she wanted to kill her."

Squall shook his head, "No...that isnt why...she would care less if she looked like her."

Joan looked at him, "But Joia said she would have saved anyone who shared her blood. Rinoa shares her bloodline."

Squall nodded, "Yes...but... I figure... Joia would have prefered to kill Rinoa herself...not have RInoa die before she could touch her..."

Joan softly began to cry, "Is Rinoa okay now?"

Squall nodded. Then he looked back at the other day, when Joia sat near Rinoa and touched her. Squall looked at Joan, "Tell me...Has Joia talked to you lately...?"

Joan shook her head, "Yes...the day you and RInoa first came to visit... I saw her when you said your name... she said that...that..."

"That what, Joan?"

Joan cried into her hands, "That Rinoa wouldnt live very long. She would make sure of it!"

Squall's eyes went wide. What did Joia do to Rinoa? Rinoa seemed fine...yet...he didnt know for sure...he hadnt woke her that this morning.. "Joan... I have to go..."

She held out hr hand and grabbed his, "But its still sunlight."

Squall shook his head, "Doesnt matter to me...RInoa may be in danger... And I need to know..."

He then grabbed his cloak and kissed Joan's cheek, "Goodbye...Mother." he said.

She smiled, "Goodbye, AND BE CAREFUL!" She yelled.

Squall placed the cloak over his head and ran out of the building, the sunlight pouring what seemed like fire on his back, As he ran, people whispered about him as he passed them by. 'Look at him'- 'Oh my... he's letting off steam' - 'Kids these days'.

Squall left Balamb, running through the fields toward his home. The sun seem to beat on him more. His eyes were shut, he didnt know where he was going exactly...only by scent.

"HMPH!"

Squall fell on his back, his full front exposed to the sunlight. He screamed and rolled over, pulling the cloak over him. Opening his eyes, he stared at the hot grass as the sun beat at his legs. He hissed, feeling blood soaking the front of his shirt and his legs.

"Why are you so persistant, Squall?"

He knew that voice anywhere, "Joia..."

"Cant you learn that I'm the only woman you;ll ever love?"

He closed his eyes tightly, thinking in his head, "Please Rinoa...Please come out and find me...help...me..."

"Calling her wont do you any good. You're going to die out here. And you'll live a lonely afterlife...becuase I wont be with you..."

Squall coughed as blood sprang through his throat. "Joia..."

"I tried lying to you...yet...you're so persistant...so now...you will die...and so shall she..."

He felt a hard gust of wind, blowing the cloak off of him. He screamed as the flames began to sprout on his body. He stood and ran for the forest, pulling his cloak over him. Hiding underneath a tree, he hid underneath the cloak, holding his bloody burnt body witha self grasp. Tears fell from his eyes. "Rinoa...please...come for me..."