First came the finger pain. Then the toe pain. Then the near-death experience. Then the stomachache. As the day went on, Lily's misfortunes refused to end.
After her enjoyable hike with Gumi, Lily banged her knee when trying to get back into the car. She then banged that same knee into the dashboard when trying to sit down. At dinner, she bit down on her food too hard and chipped a tooth. When she got in the shower afterwards, she came very close to losing her balance and slipping. At last, she had a terrible headache by the time she checked in for the night.
"The universe is out to get me," Lily sighed in defeat.
The rockstar could not shake the thought of Sonika's friend Ann. What terrible disease would cause her fingers to feel so strange? Part of her wanted to know, but she also knew that seeking the answers would only make her worry more. She regretted asking Sonika about it in the first place, so it did not make sense for her to seek more disconcerting information.
Logic did not stop Lily from acting. By the time she was able to settle in her bedroom, her laptop became the center of her attention. As she removed it from the nightstand she kept it on, she started to second-guess herself.
"Do I really want to do this?"
The pained young woman fully understood the consequences that could arise from what she was about to do. As a matter of fact, it was not the question of which disease she had that motivated her. Deep down, she wanted relief. She hoped that by seeking answers, she would find some grain of information that would tell her she was going to be okay.
"Maybe fingers just randomly hurt sometimes," she kept telling herself.
In spite of her reconsiderations, Lily sat up in her bed and placed the laptop on her lap. After booting it up, she felt anticipation running through her at an increasing speed. The longer it took for her to open the internet, the more all her negative thoughts would rot inside her. She could not let the subject go unresearched.
Once she had an internet browser opened on her monitor, she ran her fingers across the tiny keyboard to type something in. Upon searching "finger and toe pain," an endless slew of results hit Lily all at once. From one glimpse at the screen, Lily saw the names of several diseases that concerned her. However, they were mixed in with several other conditions that were easily treatable. She needed to dig deeper if she wanted to know what she had.
One after the other, Lily clicked through articles about health. She opened several different tabs in order to check some of the more troubling diseases she read about. As expected, many of them could lead to possible death.
After closing in on the conditions that worried her the most, Lily read through the symptoms for each of them. Almost all of them included headaches and stomachaches along with paresthesia. For the most significant ones, she went through the symptoms one at a time and related each of them to herself.
"Hunger? I have been a little extra hungry lately," Lily thought as she scrolled through a health site. "Easy bruising? I have been getting hurt a lot more than usual. Irritability? No question about that one. Loss of balance? You know, now that you mention it…"
The rockstar had gone down a dark path of which she could not return. Just as Sonika suggested, the hardly noticeable pains she felt were a sign of something much more damaging. Her heart started to race and increasingly pounded through her chest with every new page she opened up. Even if every last word slapped her with dread, she could not stop reading.
Even through all the terrible things she read, Lily did not lose the possibility of hope. She thought she would be able to find a harmless condition with all the symptoms she exhibited. Much to her misfortune, the less serious ailments were far more uncommon than the lethal ones. That did not stop a few rare ones from scaring Lily too, though.
After finally giving up hope and accepting that the worst would come to pass, Lily closed the internet browser and shut her laptop. She did not want to look at anything else, fully believing nothing good would come of it. Every possible explanation she could think of to describe her unusual symptoms involved death. She only made the situation a hundred times worse by looking for answers. Her list of regrets grew even longer.
Meanwhile, in the bedroom next to Lily's, the chipper Gumi changed into a pair of sleeping clothes to spend the night in. She had the luxury of being entirely unaware of the trepidation that terrorized her best friend next door. This luxury would not last for long because she would soon become highly aware of it.
Luckily for her, Gumi had finished changing by the time Lily opened the bedroom door without knocking. This action surprised Gumi, who nearly went into a fight or flight response.
"Lily? What's up? Is something wrong?"
Lily stood quietly in the doorway after swinging the door open. She did not look angry, but she appeared to be terrified. Her face was pale and her eyes gave the impression they had seen a ghost. The sight of it gave Gumi a sense of extreme worry.
"...I'm dying."
The green girl paused, unsure of how to take in that information. It sounded like a stretch, but the look on Lily's face said otherwise. She truly looked as if she heard the news of her impending doom.
"Is… Is everything okay?" Gumi walked over to Lily and gently took her by the hand. Had Lily been in a decent state of mind, she would have loved the slight show of affection, but her brain hardly acknowledged it.
"I'm dying, Gumi. I looked up my symptoms and…"
Lily stopped halfway through the sentence, unable to continue the thought. Saying it out loud might have made some difference to her. She was aware of the general advice to never look up symptoms, so mentioning the subject as the source of her distress made it sound like less of an issue than it was. She did not know how to explain it in a way that appropriately described the impact it had on her.
Noticing Lily's inability to continue speaking, Gumi ascertained just how serious the problem was. Whatever Lily saw online left her mortified. She needed immediate treatment in the form of comfort.
"Do you want to sit down and talk about it? I can tell it's got you really upset."
"Yeah, I think that would be good. Thank you."
With Lily's hand in her own, Gumi brought the taller girl into her room and led her over to the bed. She sat on the edge of the mattress and gestured for the blonde to come along with her. The two sat beside one another as Gumi inched closer so she could take Lily's hand once more.
"Okay. Do you want to tell me what you read?"
"You're gonna think it sounds stupid," Lily replied. "I don't think there's an easy way to explain it."
"Not at all! Don't worry about being embarrassed, you're in a judgment-free zone. Tell me everything that's on your mind."
At that moment, Lily wanted to tell her everything. To explain the full severity of her restlessness. She considered going as far as to mention IA's psychic reading. However, she found stressing about that to be more humiliating than stressing about having a deadly disease. She could never admit that to the one she loved. She felt so ashamed of herself for even getting worked up over it in the first place. It hurt her to imagine how Gumi would react.
Then a new thought came in. If Lily truly was going to die, she would never be able to tell the popstar how she felt about her. She would have nothing but regret in her dying moments. If she went to an afterlife, she would spend eternity pining over the love she never had. She wondered if it would be wiser to confess her feelings than to explain the reason for her troubles.
"It's just that," Lily tried to find the right words, still considering what she should say. "I looked up everything that's been happening. The tingling, the pains, and even some other stuff I hadn't thought about before. There is no possible way I'm going to be okay. Basically every site said I was in need of urgent treatment and it's probably too late for me."
"Oh, Lily, please don't listen to those stupid websites! You know you aren't supposed to take anything you read online at face value."
"I know, but how can so many places all say the same thing and be wrong? If it was one or two sites, maybe I'd write it off, but…"
"They probably say the stuff they do to get you to go to the doctor. Either that or the symptoms they're referring to are far more extreme than the ones you're feeling."
"I thought about that," Lily could not face Gumi as she continued to speak. "Basically everywhere said the symptoms can be hardly noticeable. People can go for years without knowing they have any."
"Then how did you notice them?"
"..."
Lily did not know what to say right away, but an answer came to her relatively quickly.
"They vary in terms of severity," she explained. "They can be anywhere from not noticeable to extremely apparent."
"Lily…" Gumi sighed.
With every word she said out loud, Lily became more aware of how far she was reaching. Regardless, being aware of it did not lessen its severity in her head. She had the words to admit that her thoughts were irrational, but she lacked the ability to believe those words.
"I know. I told you it was stupid," Lily turned her head away, but it only caused Gumi to bring her own head closer.
"It isn't stupid! Your thoughts are very important and it's okay to be concerned about stuff like this. If you want, we can go see the doctor about it, but just to clear your head. I really don't think there's anything wrong with you."
This brought Lily some relief. Seeing a doctor would offer an explanation and either confirm or deny her worries. Gumi also wanted Lily to feel at ease. It hurt to see her best friend brought to such a state of hopelessness. She wanted to take it away by any means necessary.
"Okay. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be going on about this…" Lily started to say.
"No, don't apologize. I don't want you to keep something like this inside. I'm glad you told me about it. I wouldn't want you going around with these thoughts constantly eating away at you."
To Lily, Gumi sounded very understanding. The green girl did not give her a hard time or insult her. At the same time, Gumi knew that Lily's thoughts were the real enemy. If they were allowed to wander much farther, they would seriously harm the rockstar. They needed to be dealt with before they grew out of hand.
After sitting together for a little while longer, Gumi let go of Lily's hand and lifted her arms toward the blonde. Lily finally looked up from the ground to see the motion, then after a second of processing it, she lifted her own arms and went in for the hug. The two friends embraced each other and held on tightly to the one they cared about. The feeling of Gumi's grasp provided some reassurance to the taller girl. It acted as a green light in the dark hole she had fallen into. Even so, she still needed a ladder to climb out of the hole.
Shortly after the two best friends pulled apart, Gumi moved to stand up from the bed.
"Well," she said. "It's still kinda early. Do you want to head downstairs and watch a movie with me or something? It might take your mind off this."
This offer made Lily feel a little better. She would not have been able to sleep if she tried to after reading such horrible information. She did not mind staying up and spending the night with Gumi.
"Yeah, that would be nice. Thank you."
Gumi rose from the bed and waited for Lily to do the same. Once both of them were back on their feet, they decided to head out of the room together. Movie nights were not uncommon for them, but they were often treated as a typical activity for two best friends to take part in. They were rarely used as a method for relieving stress, even though they always did exactly that.
As she headed to the living room with who she deemed the greatest girl in the universe, Lily contemplated letting her feelings slip that same night. If her results from the doctor were to come in and say she actually was dying, she would not have much time to confess. Even if she confessed, she would not have much time to enjoy the fruit of the relationship. To make matters worse, if Gumi turned her down, she would spend the remainder of her days in sadness and regret. Everything about dying sucked.
Lily remained undecided for a good portion of the night. Even as she sat on the couch next to Gumi and huddled close to her, she could not bring herself to let anything out. She kept the thoughts to herself and allowed them to be lost as she and Gumi picked out one of their favorite comedies to watch together.
Through all the laughter that would ensue over the course of the movie, Lily would toss out every last thought of confessing. She would enjoy every minute spent with Gumi, but the night would end up the same as any other friendly hangout. A great time between two best friends and nothing more than that. If Lily's days were numbered, she wondered if she could ever expect anything else.
