Chapter 2

The five men were scattered around their limited space: Cat lying on the bed, Paul pacing, Tim following Paul, Richard following Tim and Lister hammering on the walls.

"Rimmer! You rat! You smegging arse hole! Let us the smeg out!"

"Give up. He's not listening!" exclaimed an an irritated Paul.

Rimmer's voice came out of nowhere.

"On the contrary my dear fellows I'm fascinated!"

"Let us out you insane fuck!" screamed Paul, slightly agitated.

"No, no matey. I'm sorry Listy, but you and your odorous friends could be in there for a while... at least until these other... people tell me how to get to Earth. You see, I don't need you anymore Lister. Or Holly. That alien gave me something I've wanted for a long time- Life!"

Suddenly one of the walls became clear and Rimmer was revealed in all his living,m breathing alive-ety.

"Er... Rimmer?" asked Lister in an unbelieving voice.

Because this new Rimmer didn't look exactly like the old one had.

"What've you done to your hair?"

"Don't criticise! it may not be perfect to you Lister, but to me, who has been without a body for so long, it is heaven in all its blissful glory!"

"Rimmer? Have you looked in the mirror?"

"No. Why should I?"

"Just do it, man..."

Lister held up a handy mirror and through the clear window Rimmer saw his living face for the first time in over three million years.

"ARGH! It's HORRIBLE! What has that evil little alien done to me!"

For staring back at Rimmer, rimmed (pardon the pun) by roses was a white, white face, adorned with black lipstick and eye makeup. Curling down the forehead, over a white dome of a head devoid of hair is a single curl. This head is atop a ruff and suit, the entire affect reminiscent of a classic "sad clown".

"Argh!"

"Rimmer, what 'ave you done?"

"I don't know!" gasped Rimmer and clutched at his face, "I just told the alien, the white faced one with the..." realisation dawned over the dreary landscape of Rimmer's mind, "I look just like the little bald git!"

Rimmer bit his fist and looked very scared. Lister meanwhile, was grinning like a game show host. The Cat chose this moment to wake up.

"Hey man, who invited the white freak?"

He walked over and stood next to Lister with his hands in his pockets. he stared at Rimmer for a few seconds, frowned and said:

"Hey, he looks like hadron head! Wait, he is hadron head! why you got up like Mr Giggles? And what are you wearing?"

"He's got himself a body, Cat." explained Lister sarcastically.

"What, that body? Hell, I seen better bodies on some of my meals!" Cat grinned at Rimmer.

"Yeh. He's stuck with it. For. Ever."

Lister and the Cat started laughing and hi-fived each other.

"Would you two gimps put a stop in it? I still have you locked up!"

"Yeah, and when're you gonna let us out, fuck-face?" asked Paul amiably.

The three AllStars had (during Lister and Rimmer's altercation) seated themselves on the floor and proceeded to ignore the Dwarfers and play fish.

"Have you got aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa one?" asked Tim.

"Shut up, tooth pick, I'm conducting a conversation," Paul turned back to Rimmer baring his teeth in what was more a growl that a grin, "So hey, dickhead, gonna open the door?"

"What door?" wondered Tim bemusedly.

"I SAID shut up. What. Do. You. Have. To. Say? Wang-brain?"

"If you would be so kind, you rank midget, to silence yourself for a brief moment I might condescend to answer you. Hm?" replied Rimmer superciliously.

Paul gave him to to the valley and an extra for free.

"Thank you. I will let you out on the revised condition, taking in account my current," Rimmer paused and poked at his face, "state, that you put me in charge of the... er... ship."

"Done!" said Paul joyfully.

"What? No, Paul! He's insane!" said Tim frantically.

"Yeah, Paul, he's nuts!" agreed Rich.

"That'll make a nice change then," Paul commented sarcastically and raised an eyebrow. the other two looked confused. Slowly, Tim started to frown.

"Hey! Pa-"

"SHUT up Tim, the nice ex-dead fu- man is opening the door."

The door was indeed opening in the clear wall and the five men walked out.

"Phew. That's a relief. I didn't fancy going another second without a shower!" said the Cat and promptly began licking his arm.

"Oh! How do you avoid hair balls?" asked Rich, intrigued.

They walked off down the corridor discussing the effects fish can have on hair balls. Paul meanwhile, was attempting homicide in the Rimmer degree, but Tim was holding him back.

"Its okay, Paul, its okay. If you're good, shh, of your good and quiet I've got a nice biscuit in my room for you, there's a good boy!"

paul ceased growling and bounded off after Tim.

"Hey, Rimmer?"

"Yes, Lister?"

"You know how you've got a body 'n' that?"

"Yes, Lister."

"Well, you do realise you now have something solid I can pummel, don't yeh?"

"Yes, Lis-" Rimmer cut off mid syllable and ran. Lister gave chase.

"Oh I hate you Rimmer..."

Tim and Paul were in Tim's cramped, gun filled room. Paul was sitting on a chair with his feet on Tim's bed. He was smoking and picking his teeth simultaneously.

"Paul, why did you give the hallo- the hula- that person control of the ship? You put him in charge!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"No Ferguson."

"Yes you said-"

Paul swung his feet off the bed and grinned evilly.

"I lied."

"Oh," Tim sounded confused, "but that's dishonest!"

"No shit, ."

"I'm proud of you Paul!"

Paul stood up and pointed at Tim, who cowered back on the bed.

"Shut up tweezer dick. Don't be so condescending. You always act so superior. And I know why! You're jealous! Of my brains because YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!"

Tim leapt up.

"Well YOU'RE jealous of my looks- because you look like a chimp!"

"Air head!"

"Monkey boy!"

"Slug slime is smarter than you!"

"I had a pet duck with more sex appeal than you!"

"You smell!"

Tim looked shocked, and rather perplexed.

"No, Paul, you're the one who smells."

"I know. Did I ever say otherwise?"

"You said I smell."

"No! I never!"

"What? Wait... you're trying to confuse me! I've heard of this its called 'thinking'. None of that Paul, eh!"

Paul rolled his eyes and walked out muttering.

"... there's just no insulting some people... "