Chapter 5

The next day saw five ill, yellow faces open their eyes, moan and bury themselves under the nearest available blanket. The problem being the relative shortage of the aforementioned bedclothes: there was only one blanket.

"Fuckin' give it to me, its mine! Oh my head..." moaned Paul.

"Smeg, did I get drunk or did I get drunk..." croaked Lister.

"Aspirin. Aspirin. Someone get me a damn aspirin.." Tim demanded groggily.

Richard pulled himself up from under the table and promptly sank down again.

"Urgh.. why do I have a rhinoceros helmet on?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, who drew a 'H' on my forehead?" countered Richard.

"Someone! Help me! I'm wearing beige!" Cat was apparently wearing one of the AllStars overalls.

Lister struggled up and dragged the box of hangover treatments and distributed them (by amount of other people's clothing worn by the recipient).

Kryten came in and began dusting.

"Well, did you enjoy your night of drunkenness? Did you revel in the orgies of alcoholism you experienced? Did you sip from the great cup of Bacchus and reach the highest peak of ecstasy in your inebriated evening of excess?"

"Ah, shut up!" came the response from the five other people.

"I was just trying to make conversation! Oh, by the way, I installed a cable network to connect Holly with this 'TV' thing in the foyer here, so we can communicate with her." Kryten went over to the TV and fiddled with it. Holly came up on the screen.

"Hello, chaps, glad to see me?"

Moans.

"Oh yes, hello Holly, we've missed you terribly the past few weeks. Oh thank you boys, well going to introduce me to your friends, why yes Holly, this is Blah, Blah and Blah-"

"Oh shut up you stupid computer!" snapped Rimmer.

Holly ignored him, "And by the way Arnold has a body, oh really, yes and we lost the light bee, well don't worry I've got a better one Kryten found it in Starbug, oh yes, a hard-light bee, the hologram can touch, taste and feel."

"Wha? Hol, what'd you say?"

"I found a hard light bee, sir. It was in the munitions cabinet of the Starbug. It was for use in emergencies, when the hologram was required for physical work. it was deemed too dangerous for everyday use as the hologram would have no fear for its own life, in theory, and therefore could do whatever it wanted. The 'hard light' protected the bee. Holly believes she could use the odd power of this ship, coupled with the remote connection to Red Dwarf, to sustain up three or four hard light holograms."

"What the fuck are you on about?" asked Paul, "Are you saying you can make sort of simulations of people? And we can touch 'em? Instead of them just bein' light like he was?"

Kryten nodded.

"Anyone?"

He nodded again. The same thought dawned on the five at the same time.

"Women!" said Paul, Rich and Rimmer.

"Boats!" cried Tim ecstatically.

"Kochansky!" said Lister.

"Me-ow!" said Cat.

Kryten looked at them and sighed. He plugged the vacuum attachment and plugged it into his 'groinal socket' and began cleaning the room. The four men and Cat crowded around Holly.

"So, computer-" began Paul.

"Holly."

"Whatever, you can get us sheilas?"

"What?"

"Women! Women!"

"I s'pose. But the projection disks in Red Dwarf were damaged when the triplicator went off and the holograms would be seriously deranged if we tried to animate them," Holly frowned then looked up, "Wait, I've found something very similar to our projection disks in this... er... ship."

"What? What?"

"Well there seems to be, yep, two women and a man."

"Do it!"

"All right, geez no peace around here always wanting computations... done."

Three people walked out from behind the screen. One was grinning as widely as a Cheshire cat and had an enormous pink bow tie.

"Hello!" Bob Downe said gushingly, "How are you, how are you, mwah mwah!" He shook all their hands and pinched Lister's cheek. He then took Tim and Krytens' arms and walked off with them.

The first woman walked up to Paul, "I'm Richard's wife," she said and patted his cheek. She walked over to Richard and took him off some where.

Paul, Lister and Rimmer looked very disappointed (with hangovers coming back).

"So who're you?" asked Paul of the one remaining woman gruffly.

"Well... my name's Tess."

"Hey, I'm Lister," he shook her hand and grinned.

"Good morning, I am Arnold J Rimmer."

"... Judas... " Rimmer kicked a grinning Lister.

"Paul." said Paul shortly.

"So, why're you here?" asked Lister.

"Ahe had some connection with one of those men on this vessel." interjected Holly.

"I was madly in love with Tim... for five minutes... then I talked to him and the illusion was shattered."

Paul and Lister laughed and took one of Tess's arms each. She rolled her eyes as (when the three walked off) they started competing, in their own style '... I drank X pints of X last night and I'm not dead...'.

Rimmer was alone. He looked up at Holly.

"Four? Kryten said something about four?"

Holly sighed, "I can try. The person won't be brilliant... can't sustain something too complicated."

A blonde woman walked out from behind the screen.

"'Ello. I'm Bubble."

"Arnold," Rimmer grinned predatorily, "Funny you remind me of some one I used to know..."