TITLE: Let Go, Move On
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: As Shannon and Sayid move towards their future, Shannon needs to confront part of her past.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.
Chapter Three
Standing at Nadia's door a few hours later, Shannon felt a wave of nausea pass over her. Slightly dizzy, she grabbed Sayid's arm as the door swung open. His head turned sharply, as he eyed her with concern, but she ignored the look as Nadia greeted them. Shannon didn't think anything was wrong with feeling sick at the moment. She was about to be spending a long time with Nadia, the person her fiancé had spent seven years searching for. That was enough to make anyone a little nervous. She had hung out with Nadia before, however, it was usually just for short periods of time when they would see each other in the stores.
Shannon surveyed the house as she slipped off her shoes. Somehow even with two small children, Nadia was able to keep her house cleaner than Shannon had ever seen in her life. There were a few areas where toys were stored and she briefly wondered if everything had been piled up just because they were coming to visit. When dealing with Renault Shannon had dealt constantly with trying to get him to clean up after himself with limited success. Bribery she had learned was a wonderful invention. Since Sayid had been here before, without her, she thought about asking him if Nadia's house was always this clean.
Nadia welcomed Shannon into her home. Once she spotted Shannon's new ring, she gave Shannon a congratulatory hug. Shannon at first was surprised. She was not sure how she was supposed to act around Nadia. She had never really had true female friends before, and a part of her hoped that maybe Nadia could be her friend. She had always wanted a close friend before, but it never had worked out for whatever reason. She didn't know why she thought Nadia could fill that role. All the nervousness she had felt before slipped away. Nadia explain that her husband, Kamali, was at work, and her son Rashid was napping. Before she could say anything else, her daughter came running into the room.
Shannon watched as Kamila's face lit up as she saw Sayid standing there. She raced over to him. As Sayid picked up Kamila, Shannon couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if Sayid was holding their daughter. Having children was not something she had ever really thought about before, and not something she was prepared to think of right now. Instead, she watched him carry Kamila into the dinning room, holding her high in the air earning him laughter and smiles, and sat down beside him as Nadia served them lunch. She was mesmerized watching him, as he listened intently to whatever Kamila was telling him. She had seen him interact on the island with Aaron, but a baby was different than a toddler.
Shannon's stomach lurched as Nadia placed the food on the table. Large pieces of fish and vegetables were waiting to be eaten. She picked through the food picking up the smallest amount she could find. She struggled with how to eat the food without throwing it all back up. She thought of not eating, but she didn't want to be rude. She picked up her knife and fork and began to slowly cut her fish into small pieces. This was one time where having been weight conscious in the past would come in handy. She knew how to make eating a little look like a lot. She was so intent on not getting sick, that she listened halfheartedly as Nadia and Sayid joked around with each other. It was obvious that they were good friends, and for the first time Shannon realized that she really didn't have anything to worry about. They were simply friends.
She felt guilty that she was focused more on eating then on the conversation around her. Every once in a while, she would feel Sayid's eyes on her, and when she looked up she could see the concern in them. She hated that he was worrying about her. She really was fine, even if she was feeling sick again. It wasn't her fault that fish smelled bad, and had a distinct taste that she couldn't stomach. She swallowed hard on her last bit of fish. There was no way she was going to be able to eat anymore. She placed her napkin over her plate, hoping that Sayid wouldn't notice the pieces still left there.
"Sayid, can you take Kamila into the other room, she wants to show you her new drawings," Nadia said. "Shannon would you mind helping me with cleaning up."
Shannon rose unsteadily, and followed Nadia into the kitchen carrying her plates. She wondered if Nadia had been watching her during lunch. She didn't like the feeling that Nadia knew that she hadn't eaten the food. She dropped her food into the trashcan, and placed the dishes in the sink.
Nadia was watching her closely. "I do not believe I have seen Sayid as happy as he is now. You have changed him, Shannon. He seems," she paused as if searching for the word. "Lighter, I guess, as if he is at peace with himself."
Shannon wobbled on her feet and reached out for the counter. She breathed heavily as she tried to keep her balance and push back the feeling of nausea.
"Are you unwell?" Nadia asked, reaching out to steady her.
"I'm fine," Shannon answered automatically.
"Let me get Sayid."
"No," she took another deep breath. "He just gets worried."
"This has happened before?"
She sighed, she did not want to get into this now, but there was a part of her who was relieved to have someone to talk to.
"On and off for the past few days."
Nadia motioned for her to sit on the stool. "May I ask you a personal question?"
Shannon crinkled her brow. What kind of question could Nadia want to ask her that would be personal? She nodded, her curiosity getting the best of her.
"Could you be pregnant?" Nadia asked.
"No," she answered quickly. Her heart started pounding as she tried to process the question. She couldn't be pregnant, but then she thought back and realized that there was definitely the chance. She and Sayid hadn't always been careful. She felt lightheaded at the thought. "Maybe," she amended softly.
They had never discussed starting a family, and had just this morning become officially engaged. How would he feel if she was pregnant? How would she feel? Would they be okay? This was not something she expected to have to deal with so soon in their relationship. She should have seen it though, but with her eating problems growing up, she had never been consistent with her period.
Nadia rested her hand on Shannon's arm. "Would you like me to get Sayid?"
"No, I'll go in there with you. I'm sorry I ruined lunch."
Nadia helped her stand. "You did no such thing. Go home and rest. If you need anything just ask. I have done this twice before."
"Thank you," she whispered, touched by the offer. She had never had a real friend before.
They walked out into the living room, and Shannon stood in the doorway watching Sayid and Kamila. Seeing them together now had much more of an impact. She could picture him playing with their daughter and son on the floor toys covering every inch of space. She was surprised by the details of her fantasy. Maybe a family had been something she had thought about before but had never realized.
Nadia explained that Shannon wasn't feeling well, and Sayid immediately wanted to take her to the doctor. Nadia told him that wasn't necessary, but they should go home. Sayid eyed them suspiciously as if he didn't believe that everything was really okay. Shannon wanted to tell him, but wasn't sure how.
"Thank you for everything," Shannon said as she hugged Nadia.
"It is nice to have a new friend to talk to."
Shannon smiled. Her wish of having a new friend came true. She felt a sense of relief. A part of her had always felt that something was wrong with her since she never had many friends. Maybe she could finally change that.
Sayid and Shannon made their way to the car. Once buckled in, Sayid turned to her and brushed his hand against her forehead.
"Why did you not tell me that you felt sick?"
She ignored his question. She had a much more pressing matter that she needed to attend.
"Have you ever thought about having children?" she asked.
He looked at her confused by the question. He backed the car out of the driveway, and remained silent. She really needed him to answer her honestly. She didn't know what else to do.
"I have thought about it before."
She sighed, that really wasn't the answer she wanted or needed from him.
He continued, "After I met you, I began to think about it."
"You want to have children?"
"With you I would. Why do you ask, Shannon?"
"Why didn't you ever tell me that before?"
He shrugged, "You never seemed interested on the island of being a mother, and I did not feel that it was necessary to bring it up."
She knew he was talking about all the complaining she did about how Claire had so much to do all the time, how she could never imagine having another person dependent on her for everything. She still felt that way, yet she wasn't sure that having that was such a bad thing. She was so confused, maybe it had been the island that had brought out those thoughts. Here in LA she would have more support and didn't have to raise a child with the threats that had been a part of their lives for so long.
"So you'd just give up your dream of being a father because of me?"
He slowed the car as the light turned red, his breaks squeaking. He turned to face her. "You are everything to me Shannon. All I need is you."
"I still wish you would have told me, because I want the same thing. I had never realized it before today, but I do want to have a child with you."
He leaned over to kiss her, causing the car behind them to beep at them as the light turned back to green. Sheepishly, he pulled away and placed his foot on the gas. Shannon saw the grocery store at the next intersection and asked him to pull into it.
"Are you feeling sick again?"
She shook her head. "I want to buy a pregnancy test." She took a deep breath. "I think I might already be pregnant."
He turned to look at her, his eyes wide in shock. He looked away as he turned into the parking lot. He pulled into the first place that he saw and shifted the car into part.
Unbuckling his seatbelt, he twisted to face her again. He took her hand in his. "You think you are pregnant?"
"I've been nauseous and I skipped my period. It's possible."
She hadn't thought about missing her period until just then. She had been irregular most of her life, so she had always just assumed that was the problem.
"Why did you not tell me you have been feeling ill?"
She ran her fingers through his hair. "I did not want you to worry."
"Not telling me makes it worse." He took a deep breath. "Wait here, I will be back with the test." She opened her mouth to protest. "I think I can handle this, Shannon, I want you to rest."
He kissed her before leaving the car. She leaned back and closed her eyes, trying to rest like he said. However, that was the last thing she could do. Sayid just went into a store to buy a pregnancy test. She smiled at the image of him searching through the different tests.
This was not something she had thought would be happening so soon. Yet, she was strangely calm about the whole thing. A baby. Her child. With Sayid. She would be married with a child. A family. They would be just like she had always wanted growing up. She wondered what she or he would look like. She hoped that the child would have Sayid's eyes, and maybe his hair too. A little girl with those curls would be adorable. She was surprised by how easily she could picture their children. She was even more surprised by the fact that she was picturing a large family. Earlier she had never even thought about being a mom, and now it was as if that had been her dream all along.
She startled as he opened the door, handing her the bag filled to the top.
Looking inside she asked, "Did you buy one of every test they had?"
Sheepishly, he answered, "I did not know which was best."
"At least we'll know for sure with all these tests." She picked through them, laughing. "Do I really need to pee on all of these?"
"I don't know. We will read the directions."
Examining one box, she said, "How hard can it be?"
The rest of the drive was done in silence. Shannon was thinking about the implications of the tests she held in her hand. She also wondered what Sayid was thinking about. Did he really want a family with her? Or was that something he wanted later in their marriage?
Finally they pulled up in front of their building, and hurried up to their apartment. Shannon immediately went into the bathroom and pulled out one of the tests. She fumbled through the instructions and finally just threw them off to the side. There were far too many steps for something that should be simple. She just had to pee on it, not something that was too complicated.
She rested the completed test on the counter and looked at her watch. Their whole world could change in just three minutes. Shannon stepped back out of the bathroom, and joined Sayid on the bed. He pulled her into his arms, and she snuggled against his chest.
"About two and a half minutes to go," Shannon said.
"What do you want the test to say?"
"I don't know. Either way is good, I guess. It's not like we can't keep trying if I'm not pregnant now."
"And trying will be fun." He kissed the top of her head. "I just want you to be happy with the answer."
She bit her lip, "I think I may be ready for it to say yes."
"Me too."
She looked at her watch and realized that it was time to check the test. She was suddenly nervous. She really didn't know what answer she wanted.
"Come with me."
He stood with her, and took her hand in his as they walked into the bathroom. With a trembling hand she picked up the test from the counter. There was one pink horizontal line.
"I'm not pregnant," she whimpered, as tears filled her eyes.
"I am sorry, Shannon."
She didn't know why she was crying. She should be happy that she wasn't pregnant. She wasn't ready to be a mom. But then why did this hurt so badly. Why did it feel like she had lost something she had never even had to begin with?
Sayid pulled her tightly into his arms, as she sobbed against his chest. She wanted to have a baby with him, she wanted to start their family. He pulled away slightly and picked up the test box.
"I think you need to read the directions again," he said, his voice shaky with restrained excitement.
"Why a horizontal line is like a minus sign for negative?" she asked sniffling.
"Read it again."
She took the box out of his hand, and skimmed over the directions. She looked up at him, and then back to the box to make sure she had read it correctly.
"A horizontal line," she read, her voice quivering. "A pink horizontal line indicates a positive test, and a blue horizontal line is negative."
"It is pink," he whispered.
"I'm pregnant," she said with a smile. She placed her hand gently against her stomach. She was going to have a baby.
Sayid wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Are you happy?"
"Very happy," she said, kissing him. "I think we should do the other tests just in case."
"Shannon, you will get the same result."
Ripping open the next package, she said, "I just need to be sure."
And this time she knew she would read every word of the directions.
TBC…
