TITLE: Let Go, Move On
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: As Shannon and Sayid move towards their future, Shannon needs to confront part of her past.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Chapter Four

Shannon stood in front of her full-length mirror in her bra and knee-length skirt trying to decide if she looked pregnant yet. She was only eight weeks along – or at least, that was what the OB said, but as she placed her hands on her flat stomach, she still wanted to make sure that it wasn't noticeable yet. She turned, trying it from a different angle. A part of her was disappointed that she couldn't see the life growing inside of her yet.

Then of course there was the other part of her that was relieved that no one could tell she was pregnant. In an hour, she and Sayid would meet with Sabrina, and the last thing Shannon wanted was for Sabrina to think they were marrying because of the baby.

Sayid came from behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She closed her eyes as she leaned back against him. She had only told him this morning about the appointment with Sabrina. With the discovery of her pregnancy she had forgotten entirely that she had even called her. Sayid had been understanding of her reasoning, but she could tell that he wished she had told him sooner. He had no opportunity to really prepare himself for meeting Sabrina. She had told him so many horror stories about Sabrina that she was she he expected the worse.

"You look beautiful," he whispered in her ear.

"You always say that," she said with a smile. "But do I look pregnant?"

He rubbed his fingers gently across her stomach. "Not yet." He kissed her neck. "I can not wait until you do."

She snorted. "You want to see me looking like I swallowed a watermelon?"

That was the one part of this whole pregnancy thing that she could not get used to. She wasn't sure how she felt about the fact that she was going to get huge. She was worried that Sayid wouldn't find her attractive anymore. She knew she couldn't voice that thought to him because he would simply deny it. She also couldn't trust his opinion. He would tell her she looked beautiful even if she was in rags, which in fact he had told her during the last few days on the island.

"Are you sure you can't tell?" she asked again.

"I promise. Why do you keep asking?" he asked, trying to suppress a grin.

"I don't want Sabrina to know."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. She could see Sayid's hurt expression reflecting in the mirror.

She turned to face him. "I just want this to be ours for now, Sayid. I want to celebrate our baby together. I'm not ready to share her with Sabrina."

"Her?" he asked, his eyes sparkling with happiness.

She rolled her eyes. "Or him. I think it's a girl though. Mother's intuition or something. I…" she paused as a wave of nausea overwhelmed her. "I'm going to be sick," she said as she pushed past him and dashed to the bathroom.

She knelt in front of the toilet as she emptied her stomach. She closed her eyes as she took several deep breaths to calm herself. Morning sickness sucked, she decided. She startled as Sayid placed a cool washcloth against the back of her neck. She looked up to see him looking at her concerned.

Kneeling beside her, he asked, "Are you feeling better now?"

She moved so she could recline against him. "A little."

He ran his fingers through her hair. "Do you want me to call Sabrina and reschedule?"

"No, I want to get this over with."

"You could call and meet with her elsewhere. We do not need to meet with her about our wedding."

She shook her head. "I have it all planned out Sayid. We go to her office and she won't be able to attack me because we'll catch her off guard. She'll offer her expert opinion, I'll tell her I hate it, and we'll come back home and plan our own wedding."

"I do not understand how that will be better," he said arching his brow.

"You're supposed to humor your pregnant fiancé. I know it's not a perfect plan, but I think it's the safest." She checked her watch. "We should go. Sabrina never waits for anyone."

"You cannot go like this." Sayid said, as he tried not to smile. "You are not dressed yet."

She looked down and realized she was still in her bra. She hit him gently. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? We can't be late."

He helped her stand, and walked with her back into the bedroom. She could feel his eyes on her as she pulled out different blouses to try. She knew he was worried about how this appointment with Sabrina would go, but it was something she needed to do, and needed to do on her own terms. She was getting ready to ask Sayid what he thought about the blouse in her hands when she realized that he would say it looked great no matter what.

After trying on a few shirts, she decided on one that was conservative without being stuffy. It was a little low cut, but there was nothing wrong with that. It was a little looser than some of her other shirts, but not too loose that Sabrina's first thought would be that Shannon was pregnant, and not too tight that Sabrina could tell. With some pushing from Sayid, Shannon didn't change again, and they were finally in the car on their way to Sabrina's office. Sayid tried for a while to talk to her, but she was lost in memories of the past. Mainly she thought about her last conversation with Sabrina, and the words of hatred that they had screamed at each other. The letters they had exchanged had never been that horrible, but sometimes that edge crept back in, and Shannon worried about Sabrina's reaction to seeing her with Sayid. She hadn't seen Sabrina since before going to France and here she was stopping by with an older man that she was going to marry. She didn't expect it to go over well.

Sayid pulled the car into a parking spot, shifting into park. He turned to face her, and took both her hands in his.

"We do not have to do this."

"I'm fine," she said, trying to give him a convincing smile. She squeezed his hand. "I have you with me, so it will be fine."

She unbuckled her seatbelt, and stepped out of the car. Her hand was sweaty as Sayid took it in his. They walked in silence to the elevator. As they rode the elevator up to Sabrina's office Shannon could feel her heart pounding and she wondered if Sayid could hear it. Once inside the office, Shannon was gripped by the desire to turn and run. Instead, she took a deep breath and made her way to the receptionist. She was relieved to see that the one she knew had been replaced. She needed to surprise Sabrina.

"Shannon Jarrah."

"You can go straight through those doors and have a seat in her office. Ms. Carlyle will be in shortly." The receptionist looked distastefully at Sayid, who squeezed her hand in support.

Shannon bit back the remark she wanted to give the receptionist. She hated when people looked at him like that. He didn't deserve their suspicious stares. But she knew he was used to it, and he didn't say a word. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

"I thought you were supposed to take my name after the wedding."

She smiled. "I just wanted to test it out."

He kissed her temple. "I like the way it sounds."

"Me too. It will be official soon."

Shannon reached out to open the door to the office, but her sweaty hand slipped off. She hated that seeing Sabrina could still have this affect on her. Sayid reached over and opened it for her. She trembled slightly as they stepped inside the office. To her surprise, Sabrina hadn't redecorated since the last time she had been there. She wondered why. Sayid slipped his hand into hers again and led her to the chairs in front of the desk.She clung to him for support. She wasn't sure what Sabrina's reaction to her being there would be.

Sayid continued to hold her hand, sending support with each gentle squeeze. Shannon felt sick again, but she knew it wasn't because of her baby. Maybe it wasn't too late to leave.

As she turned to Sayid to voice her thought, the door opened and Sabrina walked in. Shannon gasped at how much she had aged since the last time she had seen her. Sabrina's chestnut hair was speckled with gray and her thin frame looked as if she was about to collapse. This was not the woman she had called "wicked stepmother" behind her back.

Sabrina stopped in her tracks, her mouth agape in surprise.

"Shannon," she said once she recovered. She glanced down at the file she was holding. "I don't have your name on the file."

"I used Sayid's."

"Right, the man from the crash."

Sayid dropped Shannon's hand, and stood to introduce himself to Sabrina. He held out his hand, but Sabrina ignored it.

"You never mentioned marriage in your letters," Sabrina said as she sat down, motioning for Sayid to do the same.

"I wanted to tell you in person."

"So you felt it best to come into my office with a fake name."

"It's not a fake name," Shannon said defensively.

"You're not married yet." She pulled out a pen and a notepad. "Let's get this started."

Maybe this really had been a bad idea. Shannon always felt so small when dealing with Sabrina. Normally she would have responded by yelling back, but she didn't have the energy for it anymore. It wouldn't solve anything, and she would just leave feeling worse than she did right now. Shannon remembered a time when it had been different. Everyday she would force the chauffeur to drop her off at the office instead of going home, and she would look through the rejected wedding magazines. Sabrina didn't think it was appropriate to have a child in her office. Yet she never made Shannon leave. Shannon would lie on the floor under the desk creating new wedding dresses from the ones in the magazines. When Sabrina was wrapping up the day, she would have Shannon show her all the dresses she had designed. Those were the good days when they got along, the days before she had done something to piss Sabrina off and make her hate Shannon. She never knew what it was that upset Sabrina and never had the courage to ask.

"Remember when I used to visit?" Shannon asked softly.

For a second Sabrina's eyes softened, and Shannon remembered the woman she had almost been ready to call "Mom." But then the stony mask fell back into place.

"We're not here to reminisce," she stated. "We're here to plan a wedding."

Those moments hadn't meant as much to Sabrina as they had to her. Sayid grabbed Shannon's hand, intertwining her fingers with his. The warmth radiated.

"Where do you want it to take place?" She eyed Sayid warily. "I assume not in a church."

"On the beach overlooking the ocean," Shannon defensively, trying to ignore Sabrina's attack on Sayid..

"I don't recommend that," Sabrina said with a sneer. "Sand gets everywhere, and there is always the threat of rain."

Shannon had forgotten how much Sabrina hated beach weddings. She felt they were a waste since they never worked out the way they were supposed to.

"We lived on the beach, Sabrina. We know what to expect."

"If you say so. We'll set up a tent to keep you dry."

"I don't need a…" Shannon began.

"A tent on the beach," Sabrina continued talking over her. "Have you thought about when you wanted it to take place?"

Sabrina was making notes savagely on her paper. Shannon wondered if Sabrina had a special pen so the paper wouldn't tear.

"We were thinking two months from now," Sayid said.

"Are you serious?" Sabrina dropped her pen. "We cannot plan an adequate wedding in that amount of time. We need to do dresses, tuxes, and flowers. You have no idea what must be done for a proper wedding."

Shannon wanted to argue with her, but she felt the same sense of defeat that she had felt since she was a teenager when dealing with Sabrina. The old feelings of rebellion were stirring inside of her. She wanted to tell her off, and drag Sayid out of the building, but for some reason she couldn't.

"We want a simple ceremony. It does not need to be elaborate," Sayid said, his tone measured.

Sabrina looked to Shannon pointedly. "Are you pregnant?"

Shannon looked wide-eyed to Sayid. He had told her that he couldn't tell. Was he lying?

"How did you know?" Shannon asked softly.

"That is the only time I get these rushed weddings." Sabrina shut the folder and capped her pen. "Have you not learned anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"I will not help you obtain another quickie divorce Shannon. You think strings like that are easy to pull?"

"I'm not going to need that," she answered her voice quivering.

"You already have one marriage under your belt because you were pregnant, and you're going to try it again."

Shannon sat in stunned silence.

"Have you not learned that obligation marriages never last?" Sabrina continued. "I would have thought you would have realized that by now."

Shannon's heart started pounding at the words. She bit her lip to hold back the tears.

"This was a mistake," she said, as she stood. "I thought from your letters that you actually became human again. Guess that was just another mistake."

She grabbed Sayid's hand and pulled roughly. She needed to get out of that office before she burst into tears. She walked purposely towards the elevator, without stopping as Sabrina called after her. She pushed the button repeatedly begging it to come quickly. Finally the door opened with a loud ding. Once inside, Sayid moved to pull her into his arms, but she pushed him away.

"Please don't," she said tearfully. "I can't cry."

She saw the conflict in his eyes about what to do. She knew he desperately wanted to comfort her, and he was struggling with her wishes. They rode the elevator in silence, and didn't even speak when they got in the car. Shannon struggled with getting her seatbelt buckled. Sayid leaned over to help her, his eyes holding the concern he wanted to express. Once her seatbelt was fastened, the tears fell as if a dam had been broken.

"I just want to go home," she choked out between sobs.

Sayid started the car and quickly backed out of the parking space. Shannon turned to look out the window as the scenery whizzed by her. She wanted to feel numb. How could she have let Sabrina get to her like that? She had much worse conversations in the past with her. Why did this one hurt so much? Why did Sabrina hate her so much? Was Shannon really that horrible of a person? As she placed her hand gently against her stomach, she knew that Sayid wouldn't be with her if she were. But then why did Sabrina have to be so cruel?

Finally, they were home. Shannon quickly undid her buckle, and rushed up to the door. She unlocked the door and pushed her way inside. She just wanted to lie down and never move again.

Sayid followed behind her, and wrapped an arm around her waist, preventing her from moving down the hallway to their bedroom.

"Come here."

She pulled away. "I'm going to lie down."

She strode past him without waiting for a reply or acknowledgement about what she had said. She knew she was hurting him, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't deal with him hovering over her asking if she wanted to talk about it. Not when Sabrina's words were floating around in here mind. Without changing, she threw herself on the bed and closed her eyes.

She turned over and tried to get comfortable. Sabrina's words kept echoing again and again as if they were a broken record. Why did she do this to herself? She had told herself she had just wanted to tell Sabrina about the wedding, but in all honesty she had held on to the hope that she could get her almost mother back. She had been so nice to Shannon when she was younger, and now she was so cold. What changed things so drastically? She twisted and turned trying to find a way to silence the voices when she knew there was only one way to do it.

Shannon stood slowly, and made her way back to the living room. She paused in the doorway to find Sayid sitting on the sofa pretending to read a magazine. She could tell that he wasn't really reading it because the pages turned too quickly. She walked over to the sofa and sat down beside him. Once he placed the magazine down, she moved to snuggle against him.

"I thought you wanted to sleep."

"I needed my Sayid."

As he ran his fingers gently down her arm, she knew that she should have just come to him in the first place.

"Are you done pushing me away?" he asked gently.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I thought I could do what I used to do after dealing with Sabrina. I would hide in my room until I thought it was safe to come out. I realize I need you."

His lips brushed against her forehead. "I will always be here."

She sighed deeply. Sayid deserved an answer to the accusations Sabrina had made about her, but it wasn't something she really wanted to get into. He sat there thinking that the child she carried wasn't her first, but as he held her, she knew that it didn't really matter to him. She took his hand as she stalled for how to explain everything to him.

"I was never pregnant before." Sayid squeezed her hand to let her know it was all right to continue. "Sabrina always thought I had been when I got married. I guess I never told her otherwise."

"Why would she think you were pregnant?"

She shrugged against him. "I guess she just felt that no guy would marry me unless he knocked me up."

"Knocked you up?"

"Slang for got me pregnant." She thought back to her previous marriage. It had been so good at first, but had gotten so bad so quickly that she was glad she had never been pregnant. "I loved him, Sayid." She sighed. "I thought I did. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of Paris and being married there. But I really thought he loved me, too. Sabrina never thought of that I guess, just assumed that there had to be a different motive in it. Guess I'm not good enough."

"I do not want to hear you say that," he said forcefully. "You are an amazing woman. Any man would have been lucky to have your love. I am fortunate that I was the lucky one."

"I think I'm the lucky one." She paused, how much more did she want to reveal to him. He had been so understanding so far, and it felt good to tell him. She continued, "After I went to Boone because the marriage was a sham, Sabrina called her lawyers and got it all taken care of."

That wasn't entirely true. It hadn't been a sham in the beginning. But as time when on Shannon realized that her husband didn't love her and was simply using her. It had all been a lie.

"It was just wiped away as if it never happened," she whispered.

"Of only it was that easy to heal the scars."

"I don't even want to know what she thought I did to the baby that never existed." She took a shaky breath. "After that Sabrina seemed to think that I owed her or something. I just wanted someone to talk to, and she just kept telling that she told me it would happen."

"I am sure she was simply trying to help in her own way."

Everyone always took Sabrina's side over hers. Her dad had thought that she was overreacting, while Boone had thought his mother was always right no matter what. Now Sayid was joining the bandwagon.

"Why are you defending her?" she asked angrily as she pulled away.

Sayid tucked her hair behind her ear. "I am just trying to understand why she would treat you this way."

Sayid always tried to see the good in people, a trait she had admired on the island. Why couldn't Sabrina try to see the good in Shannon? Why did she always expect the worst? Unlike Sayid, who always thought that Shannon actions were worthwhile, even if he did not agree them, Sabrina seemed to take offense at anything Shannon did.

Her lip quivered. "I don't know. She's just always hated me." Tears began to spill down her face. "Why does she hate me, Sayid?"

Her body shook with sobs and Sayid pulled her tightly to him. She wrapped her arms around him as she cried into his chest. For the first time since her relationship with Sabrina fell apart, Shannon didn't feel like she had to pick up the pieces all by herself.

TBC…