Hello all! (waves) Sorry for the long update. I had the flu.

Sankyuu for all the reviews! I was working on my other fic when this popped up in my head.

Never let a vampire plan your itinerary.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the TV show. Sorry, folks. Not a movie this time.

VACATION

The ruffle of papers was the only sound in the silent office, its lone occupant busy at work as she cleared the last of the evening's written reports. She sat backwards in her chair, rolling her shoulders slightly to chase away the dull ache there. Lifting up a hand, she reached up and delicately covered her mouth as she yawned. Gradually her eyelids sank lower, and soon she was on the verge of sleep.

There was a knock at the door. Her eyes fluttered open. Even so, they remained half-lidded, making the dark circles around her twin blue orbs more prominent.

"Come in," she called out, her voice dull.

Walter, the ever-reliable Hellsing retainer, strode in. His heels clicked on the tile flooring as he moved. He stopped in front of her desk.

"Good evening, Sir Hellsing. I've come to inform you that dinner is ready."

Integra stifled another yawn that was threatening to come out and interrupt her next sentence.

"Thank you, Walter. But I'm afraid I don't want to have any dinner. I think I'll retire early tonight."

The old man studied her tired face for a moment. Then, his lips stretched into a smile.

"Sir Hellsing, have you ever considered taking a break from work?"

"A break? You mean a holiday? How can I, Walter. There's so much to do."

"Indeed. But paperwork can be put off for a while."

"But what if there's another FREAK attack?"

"I'm sure Captain Bernadette and I are more than capable in handling one."

Integra looked down to the table for a moment, considering his words.

"I do suppose a beach resort stay would be pleasant. I have been really exhausted lately."

"Exactly, Sir Hellsing. After all, you are still young. You should enjoy yourself once in a while."

Integra gazed up at the fatherly figure before her. She replied, some warmth creeping into her tone.

"As always, Walter. You give the best advice."

Meanwhile, somewhere in a wall nearby…

Alucard listened intently to the little conversation, his sharp ears not missing a single sentence. A corner of his lips arched upwards in a smirk.

So, Master's going to take a break… This could be useful.

An idea formed in the vampire's head as he continued to plot.

After all, he was still smarting from the punishment Integra had given him after he had run around in Hellhound form. He admitted it had been unsporting of him to attack a weak human and nearly tear his leg off, but the man had been an insufferable creature. Chasing after him with a net and shouting at the top of his lungs. He was asking for it.

But to chain a vampire like him up like that and force him to watch… He shuddered as he remembered. Some images and sounds crept into his brain and he shook his head to clear it. Following that torture he had been unable to shoot straight for a week. His enormous vampire ego had taken a thorough bashing.

But now it was payback time.

(An hour later…)

Walter rushed about, checking his watch as he did so. He was way behind schedule in most of his chores, and so he walked quickly down the corridor. Now he had an additional thing on his mind.

How to plan a vacation for a Hellsing?

There would be the problem of booking air tickets, getting proper accommodation and sourcing the right resorts out. It was quite a hassle really. For Walter, doing all those things usually took the fun out of the trip. Or maybe he should consider getting one of those package tours for her…

As he turned a corner, he stopped just in time, avoiding a collision between himself and the vampire who was blocking his path.

"Oh, good evening Alucard. I would love to chat but I have to…"

"Hold on, Walter. Is it true that Master wants to go on a holiday."

Walter blinked in surprise. He never knew the vampire had taken up eavesdropping on Integra's office as a new hobby. He had better tell her next time.

"Yes. I suggested that she needed a rest. I think she wants something relaxing."

Alucard nodded seriously, as if pondering what the retainer had just told him.

"You know, Walter. I have the perfect thing mind. It's on this secluded island with white sandy beaches, blue sky…"

"Really, that sounds promising. Where is it? I can book a room."

"Actually, Walter, you seem a bit overworked yourself. What if I took over this time?"

Alarm bells began to ring in Walter's head, but he decided to question the vampire further before coming to a decision.

"I don't mean to be rude, Alucard. But why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why are you helping me?"

Well… Out of the kindness of my heart…"

"Alucard, you don't have a heart…"

He stared as the red-clad individual before him smiled slyly.

"Let's just say that if Master takes a break, I get a little time off as well. In fact, the longer she stays the better. Perhaps she might even consider extending her vacation time. Really, Walter, you just have to trust me."

The retainer considered his answer for a moment, and then finally came to a decision. What Alucard said did make sense. He nodded his head.

"Very well, Alucard. Thank you. I'll leave it all to you then. Good evening."

(2 weeks later…)

"Here you go, Sir Hellsing, your air tickets for the trip. You'll be leaving this Friday."

"Thank you, Walter. And where am I going?"

"Um… well, I have to be honest with you, Sir Hellsing. I did not plan your holiday this time… It was Alucard."

Integra's mouth fell open, and the cigarillo toppled out of her mouth and into her cup of tea with a plop. There was a hissing sound. Walter offered to change her cup as she gingerly fished it out

"Oh bother… Wait a minute, what do you mean Alucard planned my holiday?"

The retainer hesitated for a moment, and then shrugged.

"I'll be honest with you, Sir Hellsing. He offered to help me arrange for your holiday. So I let him."

Integra's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Then, all of a sudden, she burst out laughing. It was weird, and Walter stared. He put it down to severe sleep deprivation.

"So, he wants to get rid of me that badly eh? All right then, I'll go on this vacation he's planned. But did he at least give you more details."

"Well, he told me your destination will be an island somewhere in the South Pacific. He informed me that you'll be joining a travel group to see the sights."

"Hmm… as long as they don't try to talk to me then I won't mind… Anything else?"

"Nothing much. Just that you ought to wear something more suited to the weather."

"It's all right, Walter. I'll just go in my suit. I can always change at the hotel. What is it called?"

The old man stayed silent for a moment, trying to remember.

"He didn't say. Just that you'll be well taken care of by the tour guide. Oh and…"

"Yes, Walter?"

"There are some things we have to see to first. I'll give you the details later. Alucard warned that there would be lots of surprises, so you shouldn't be too alarmed if you don't understand what's going on. He said that if he revealed more it would ruin everything, though he did mention something about the tour having an adventure theme."

"Really? This should prove interesting. Is that all?"

"Yes, Sir Hellsing."

"Thank you, Walter."

Walter bowed once and then left her office.

Integra looked down at the slim envelope in her hands, addressed to a "Miss Integral Livingstone", the official alias she sometimes used for travel. The small rectangle was plain white save a coloured logo with a burning torch in the middle printed at one corner.

It was a strange logo for a travel agency… and it looked oddly familiar. She had seen it somewhere before.

Shrugging her shoulders, she brushed the matter off her mind as she flipped open a file.

After all, the vampire wanted her to have a long holiday. So whatever he had in store for her had to be good enough for her to want to stay on. Images of pristine beaches, azure waters and luxurious hotel suites filled her mind.

After all, what was the worst that could happen?

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

(2 weeks later…at the Vatican …)

Enrico Maxwell was rather bored.

In fact, so bored was he that he did something he usually did not do on a Friday night.

He watched TV.

Or more accurately, he channel surfed.

"The T2000 blender dices, slices and makes cooking a bre-"

Click

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PSYCHO! AHHHHHHH-"

Click

"Weeeee wiiiilllll, weeeeee wiiiilllll ROCK YOU!"

Click

"There I was, all on my own. No money but with two mouths to feed…"

Click. Click. Click.

"Such blasphemous programming. Is there nothing good on? So what if we have cable…"

His prayers were answered however, on the next channel he switched to.

Click

Tribal music filled the room, the beating of drums providing a catchy accompaniment to the chanting.

'This looks interesting. I wonder what these people are doing on the beach…"

He took another sip of tea, his eyes glued to the screen.

Suddenly he choked on it, coughing and sputtering as some of the tea threatened to go up his nose. Father Anderson, who happened to pass the door outside stopped and rushed over.

"Maxwell… yer all right."

"Heavens, I'm fine," he gasped. "Look." He coughed once more to clear his throat.

Anderson looked up and froze.

"Well I'd be damned…"

"I didn't believe it myself."

There were the sounds of someone swearing loudly at the camera.

"VOTE ME OFF! VOTE ME OFF IMMEDIATELY!"

"Oh no, she's not going to…"

They grimaced at the same time as someone yelled.

"That has got ter hurt."

"I can't believe she attacked the host with a coconut..."

Both of them sat down in front of the TV. It looked like they were going stay there for a while.

"Now this is what I called entertainment."

Anderson's last statement said it all.

"Aye. An English sow on Survivor."

Author's Note:

A group of people get dumped on an island where they have to survive without modern conveniences. Each week one person gets voted off by the rest, and finally one wins a million bucks.

Lotsa back-stabbing, sniping, bitching and double-crossing. Don't you just love reality TV?

I don't know when Integra will get voted off. But I'm sure she'll survive.

Though I doubt Alucard will when she gets back.