I'm sorry for the long hiatus. The lethal combination of a flurry of school activities and severe writer's block had prevented me from finishing this fic earlier.

Thank you all for the reviews! I've sent out some thank you mail. Do check your inboxes. I'm sure it's there.

And thanks once again to all who've replied me with suggestions. All have been duly noted down. :)

And now presenting… a rather ridiculous fic written just for fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or this wonderful film.

LORD! IT'S A RING!

Part One: Oh My…

The aroma of freshly brewed tea filled the room, its tingling scent itself a welcome wake-up call to Integra's sleepy brain. It was still too early in the morning to do anything in particular, and she was just sitting back in her chair, enjoying the peace and quiet. After three nights of FREAK incidents, there had thankfully been none the night before. Her soldiers could finally have some proper rest, as she had herself.

However, as always, her body thought otherwise. She still felt strangely drowsy, and even with the tea, failed to completely snap out of her stupor. She closed her eyes, intending to take a little nap, when there was a distant crash. This was followed by more crashes, bangs, thumps, some yells, a few screams, what sounded like a neigh and… the clatter of hooves?

Integra shot out of her chair, now fully awake.

What in God's name…

She listened, trying to pinpoint the origin of the noise. It seemed to be coming from the lower levels of the mansion.

After about five minutes, the thumping sounds grew louder, as if the source of it was coming up the stairs at one end of the corridor outside. It was not a neat series of one thumps, but a garbled mixture. It had the rhythm of footsteps belonging to different people running as a group.

Integra tensed, slipping her handy little Beretta out of the drawer and pointing it towards the door. She stalked out from around her desk, moving forward and to the side to stand by the window. She did not intend to be an unarmed sitting duck for whatever that was rushing towards her now.

The sounds were increasing in intensity, the creators clearly not grasping the concept of a stealthy and silent attack. Locking her wrist, Integra raised her arm and aimed at what would have been the chest level of a man.

But it was an overestimation.

For when the door swung open, in rushed in four of the shortest humans she had ever seen. They were just slightly taller than her waist, had curly hair and hairy unshod feet. Indeed it was a queer sight, and for a moment, she just stared at the four of them, and they at her.

The one in front with dark hair and clear blue eyes broke the silence first.

"It's coming. Quick, under that."

And by some method that defied the Laws of Physics, ALL of them managed to squeeze underneath her desk.

Integra gaped, completely astounded by what she was seeing. She slapped herself on the cheek and felt the sting of pain.

Ow. No, I am not dreaming. There are really four gnomes hiding under my desk.

She closed her eyes and opened them again for clarification. Once she was sure she had not gone mad, she started to question the four strangers.

"W…wait. What, I mean, who are you? Why are you here? How did you-"

"You'd best hide, uh… Ma'am. Whatever's comin' is right nasty," said a slightly plump individual with light brown hair and a kindly face. He had stuck his head out to talk to her.

"It'll chomp you up and spit you out," a voice shot out from under the table.

"Yeah, and you'd be dead before you know it," added another.

Integra turned towards the face and the voices, her back towards the open door. She let her gun arm fall to her side as she relaxed, not sensing a threat from the four midgets fighting for space beneath the firm wood.

"I don't know what you all are mumbling on about. But whatever it is, I am not going to-"

Integra stopped abruptly as the "person" she had been speaking to withdrew his head back under the desk.

"Shhh…be quiet. If we do it'll go away."

The Hellsing Director's brows were knitted in confusion. She had no idea who these people were or how they had managed to get past the guards at the front gate. She had to speak to security about this, perhaps fire a few of them for this gross oversight. She called out to the four cowering individuals.

"You all have somehow managed to breach our security. I don't know whether your diminutive size has helped but one thing is for sure."

A chilly draft of air wafted down her neck, making goose pimples rise on her skin.

"Alucard, desist."

"Now where was I? Yes, there will be a thorough investigation into the matter and I-"

She felt the brush of heavy fabric against her back and legs. She spoke, and as she did so, glared out of the corner of her eye.

"Alucard, for the last time, will you-"

She stopped, realizing something.

First of all, what she spied was not the usual red clothing she associated with the irritating vampire, but something a deep black in colour. It fell in the same folds as his cloak, but Integra saw only cloth and nothing else. Not the usual curve of his shoulder or the cravat that adorned his chest.

Secondly, it was daylight. Alucard generally hated to be up and about once the sun came up.

And so the thought struck Integral Wingates Hellsing that the person behind her could not be her servant, but someone, or something, else.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Possibly something much, much worse.

Integra turned around slowly, raising her eyes to what was behind her. They rolled upwards as she took in its great height.

This is going to be a long day.

Step by step, she backed away from the tall figure. It loomed over her like some sinister personification of Death, a hooded being swathed entirely in heavy black. It made no sound as it moved, and nothing stuck out from beneath the cloak, apart from the metal claws that were both clasped around the handle of a sword.

Which was raised high above her head.

Christ!

The blade came down lightning-quick, but Integra managed to dodge it by jumping to the side and rolling onto her shoulder. It struck the floor instead with a shrill screeching sound, scratching a deep gash through the tile where she had stood just a few seconds ago.

Integra got up quickly, and resting on one knee, raised her gun and fired.

The bullets hurtled towards the thing, but did not seem to harm it. The small pellets struck the creature, and each time one did so there was a ping that resembled the sound of metal colliding with metal.

However, it seemed oblivious to the fact that it had been shot three times, intent instead on its quarry hiding nearby. It raised its head, as if sensing something beyond the physical plane.

Suddenly, the Ringwraith snapped to attention, its hood turned towards the desk. It held out the poison-tipped blade once more, and glided over to where the four hobbits were hiding. It stopped in front of it, raising the blade.

No, please, not the…

CRASH!

antique Victorian desk.

The four hobbits had leapt out just before the blade struck, effectively slicing the expensive piece of furniture in two. The four of them separated, each in turn trying to get to the door before the Ringwraith got to them first.

However, the Ringwraith was only interested in one of them. It charged towards the dark-haired hobbit.

He screamed, and then ducked.

"Mister Frodo!"

And the blade smashed into the bookshelf instead.

That was only the beginning.

For after that, Frodo ran towards the glass display cabinet.

CRASH!

Followed by the suit of armour.

CRASH!

And then the window.

CRASH!

More pieces of furniture.

CRASH! BANG! SMASH!

Sigh…

Finally, Frodo managed to reach the door where Sam, Merry and Pippin were waiting for him. All of them raced out of the room, leaving Integra alone to stare at her wrecked office.

It was now more like a disaster zone.

Suddenly, something caught her eye.

Though it was fairly small, its golden hue made it stand out starkly against the black and white flooring. It shone dimly in the pale morning sunlight, looking very much like any other normal piece of jewellery.

A ring.

I've never seen it before. Maybe it belongs to one of the short people.

Without thinking, she reached out and grabbed it, thinking that she would probably return it later. The hooded figure began to move towards her.

She gave a shout that could, quite literally, wake the dead.

"ALLLUUUUCCCCAAAAAARRRRDDDDD!"

And with that, she raced out the door, a mad and hissing Ringwraith hot on her heels.

(Meanwhile…)

There was a loud, shrill scream. It seemed to be coming from the kitchen.

Along with the sounds of smashing crockery and the rattle of metal utensils.

Walter raced towards it, taking out the special gloves from his vest pocket. In Hellsing, you always had to be prepared. Ghouls, FREAKs and vampires never played by the rules.

However, when he reached the kitchen, what he saw made the usually cool retainer freeze in his tracks.

For in that kitchen, apart from the maid that was hiding beneath the table, there were two additional people.

Both of them wore strange robes that reached down to their feet. One was decked out in pure white, his snowy hair falling straight past his shoulders. He had one arm raised up, and in it he was clutching what appeared to be a long, silver staff.

The other was dressed in a shabby-looking robe the colour of dust. His equally grey locks were more unruly and fell in matted waves. He faced the white wizard, and in his hand he raised up a knobbly wooden stick.

"Yield to Lord Sauron, Gandalf. You cannot win!"

"Never, Saruman. You have been tainted by his evil!"

Saruman chuckled as he tilted his staff and Gandalf was lifted off his feet. He fell to the floor with a crash.

Walter took the opportunity to dash towards the table near the door where the maid was hiding. The two wizards were so intent on battle they seemed to ignore everything and everyone around them.

"Are you alright, Annie?"

"Walter, thank God you're here. I was just preparing breakfast when these two loonies came in."

Annie whispered, trembling slightly. She was in her twenties, a new arrival who knew little of what really went on at Hellsing. Right now she was crouched on the floor, oblivious to the fact that her black blouse, skirt and white apron were getting wrinkled and slightly soiled.

Walter opened his mouth to reply when a shout from the white wizard interrupted him.

"Bend to my will. Or I shall make you suffer!"

Saruman took a step towards Gandalf, chuckling as he did so. The wizard on the floor began to stir.

"You will never become great, Gandalf, for you cling to useless morals. You're a pathetic excuse for a-"

Saruman's words were interrupted, however, as two eggs smashed into his face.

On the floor, Gandalf had raised his staff, smiling sweetly as he did so. Behind him, the fridge had opened up, revealing the egg tray attached to the inside of the door.

There were two empty spaces.

'I will never give in!"

Gandalf cried out as he got to his feet.

Saruman reached out and wiped the yellow, sticky yolk off his face. Pieces of shell still clung to his visage, now contorted with rage.

He raised his staff, and behind him the kitchen cabinet door flipped open. A packet was levitated magically out. Saruman waved his wand, sending it sailing towards Gandalf.

POOF!

The packet of flour exploded as it hit Gandalf's head. A small cloud of it surrounded him, and he coughed.

Gandalf the Grey was now er…white.

"I don't believe this…" muttered Walter as he stooped beside the table.

"A food fight!" cried Annie, surprisingly with glee.

In the next few minutes, both of them watched, awestruck.

"You are merely a pawn to Lord Sauron!"

Gandalf sent a head of lettuce flying towards Saruman, who easily whacked it with his staff.

"He will give me great power!"

Saruman then threw a tin of sardines at Gandalf, who sidestepped out of the way. It crashed into the top shelf of the fridge.

"He never shares power."

A fish shot out of the open freezer compartment, slapping Saruman on the cheek.

"Gah…He rewards people who serve him well. Something you fail to UNDERSTAND!"

An open bag of salt hit Gandalf, and some of its contents leaked into his eyes. The wizard bellowed, in a mixture of anger and frustration.

"You're nothing but a FOOL!"

Saruman sputtered in surprise and fury as he made contact with a banana cream pie.

Both wizards were now at a stalemate. The kitchen began to shake as they gathered their power.

Behind Saruman, face dripping with cream, the cutlery drawer slid open. Out came knives, forks and spoons that floated in the air around him.

Similarly, Gandalf, still sprinkled with flour, reached out with raw energy and tore pots, pans and other cooking utensils off the wall.

"I think it's time we made our exit. Don't you agree, Annie?"

Clutching the girl's hand, he lifted her to her feet as she slid out from under the table. Together, they stumbled out of the kitchen.

As they hurried down the corridor, a cacophony of smashing cooking utensils and cutlery reached their ears.

What on Earth is going on?

Author's Note:

Indeed, what is going on? For some reason, the LOTR characters are appearing in Hellsing.

Hmmm…

Could it get any worse?

Why of course… ;)

Please read on.