After 'Threads', but before they go to the cabin.


I had lived on the world of the Tauri for nearly eight of their years and for most of that time had lived within the SGC complex.

I had tried to live off-base for a short period, but unwittingly put a young neighbor in danger when operatives of the Trust became interested in me. Therefore, I chose to move back.

Always 'the alien'.

Yet I did not feel sorry for myself - and I hoped that no-one else did either. There are advantages to being on the outside - it gives one a fresh perspective and allows for quiet observation and reflection. When O'Neill is not present, that is.

O'Neill is many things - a warrior, a friend, a father (albeit without progeny of his own), a joker - but the one thing he is not is reflective.

But I am being unjust to him. O'Neill and I are brothers - kindred spirits - and I know there is more to him than the cynical simplistic military man he prefers to portray. I believe that his distaste for reflection stems from the darkness within that threatens to overwhelm him.

Like me, O'Neill has many things in his past of which he is thoroughly ashamed. Yet he demonstrated an amazing faith in me when we met in Chulak - one that I reciprocated. Although many people claimed that they could help me and my Jaffa brothers, he was the first I believed could actually do it.

Now - more than seven years later - the Jaffa rebellion had received more and more warriors into their ranks, and had even spread to our females. Once, I would have scorned the idea of female warriors such as Ishta, but working with Colonel Carter for so long taught me much about the female of the species.

She and O'Neill were warriors both - but Colonel Carter was also a scientist, like Daniel Jackson; my other good friend. Although she did not talk much about it, I knew that Colonel Carter had had difficulties during her early career, due to her gender - another similarity these people shared with my own. But she had risen above her fellow officers' prejudices and was now a Colonel in charge of a combat unit - that was a high accolade for a woman.

One would have thought that such a woman would have married many years ago - it seemed wrong that she would be the end of her line. She had had opportunities for relationships, but had held herself aloof - whilst remaining friendly. I had not understood this until O'Neill and then-Major Carter were accused of being Zatarcs - Goa'uld assassins.

They'd been tested by a Tok'ra named Anise, who had determined that they both had false memories - this was one of the signs of this particular type of mind control. To prevent them from carrying out their pre-programmed mission - the assassination of the President - they were to be sedated and restrained.

O'Neill had instead offered himself for re-testing, stating that if he were to kill himself during the testing at least there would be a body for Anise to perform a detailed autopsy. He was a fine leader - prepared to sacrifice himself for his team.

But Major Carter stopped the test from proceeding by revealing that they had been lying about their last mission - albeit unintentionally. They had been deceiving themselves.

They had gone on a mission to destroy Apophis's new ship under the influence of the Atanik arm-bands - another one of Anise's experiments. Much stronger and faster than any normal human - or Jaffa - they had easily eluded Apophis's Jaffa ... until the effects of the armbands wore off. They were then trapped on opposite sides of a forcefield, with Major Carter facing certain death at the hands of the Serpent Guard.

O'Neill had refused to leave her behind - this was one of his unwritten rules, and likely stemmed from the fact that he had once been left behind in enemy territory and had suffered four months of abuse and torture. I know that O'Neill would have responded the same way had Daniel Jackson or I been the one trapped. However, it was the reason behind his refusal to leave that had led them to this point.

He admitted reluctantly that he could not leave Carter behind - that he would rather die himself than lose her. There was no passion to his words - just a sad resignation - yet it had clarified much of their odd behavior; the unresolved sexual tension, the silly banter, the disagreements. O'Neill and Colonel Carter shared a powerful love for each other - one that was unacknowledged, but no less strong for that lack of acknowledgment.

The Air Force had strict rules against officers within the same command engaging in relations - even an accusation of such behavior could ruin their careers. Daniel Jackson had often stated that he thought these rules were stupid - I could not agree. As a warrior myself, I knew that serving with loved ones could put one's cause at risk. Could you order your lover to his or her death? Would you hesitate at the wrong moment?

It was unfortunate for O'Neill and Colonel Carter, but unless one of them chose to retire or leave the SGC, they had no future together. And the world of the Tauri - and its allies - still needed them.

So they set their feelings aside and continued to work together - through the good times and the bad. But something had gone from their interactions - a spark that could so easily have been a flame had been ruthlessly quenched by their loyalty to their world.

Truly admirable.

After O'Neill took command of the SGC, his interactions with Colonel Carter became formal in the extreme - as if he was trying to distance himself even further from her. This was likely due to the existence of Pete Shanahan in Colonel Carter's life, but I did not know for sure. O'Neill would not talk about it, and I would not press him.

Trying times came to us during this year. Daniel Jackson went missing twice - as O'Neill phrased it; "Of all the damn annoying hobbies he had to take up, why this one?". The Goa'uld attempted to provoke war between America and Russia. The Replicators began to make railroads into this galaxy, nearly causing the Jaffa Rebellion to fail.

And Jacob Carter - host to the Tok'ra Selmak, Colonel Carter's father, and one of our greatest allies - died. With Selmak, he should have outlived us all - but Selmak had fallen ill before our fight against the Replicators and had already began producing deadly toxins as she died. By the time Jacob Carter arrived on Earth, it was already too late for him.

I closed my eyes silently, remembering the man. Two memorial services had been held for him - one here in accordance with Air Force traditions and one on the Tok'ra's latest homeworld.

This was more than a week ago, and Colonel Carter appeared to be handling her grief well. She looked tired and strained much of the time, and ate little, but had not fallen apart. She needed to grieve, however, but that could not happen until she was ready.

Then O'Neill proposed a team trip to his cabin in Minnesota. I had been there with him once, many years ago, but had failed to see the appeal of fishing in a pond that had no fish. The Tauri could be very strange at times.

I refused initially, due to bad memories of small insects chewing on my skin, but allowed myself to be persuaded when O'Neill admitted that the trip was more for Colonel Carter. She needed time away from everything - but it would not look proper for an Air Force officer to go on vacation with her commanding officer.

"C'mon, T!" he wheedled - after several years, I had come to accept this diminutive of my name as an expression of friendship. "Ya know Carter's gotta get outta here. Have you seen her lately? She's not sleeping, she's barely eating - I swear she's dropped ten pounds in the last two weeks."

"Can you not simply order her to take some leave?" I suggested, amused at the mere notion. I had never known the Tauri woman to take leave. She spent much of her leisure time carrying out the experiments for which she did not have time during her working day.

O'Neill looked at me askance, but I had long ago perfected what the Tauri called a 'poker face' and he could never seem to tell when I was joking. "Hah," he mumbled. "But if we could go out there as a team, I think I might be able to persuade her."

"Should Pete Shanahan not be with her during this time?" I asked.

O'Neill shrugged slightly. "She broke it off a couple days ago," he said. "Another reason she needs a break - lost her dad and her fiancé in less than a week. That's a lot to deal with."

"Indeed," I agreed. I had only met Pete Shanahan once, but had not formed a good impression of him. He had asked a friend to carry out a background check on Colonel Carter two weeks after their association had begun, then he followed her and nearly wrecked our operation to free Sarah Gardner from the Goa'uld Osiris. Pete Shanahan did not trust Colonel Carter - she deserved better.

"So ... you'll come?" O'Neill said now. "I've already managed to get Daniel onboard.

I made my decision. "I will come, O'Neill," I said.


This part wasn't humorous, but I've wanted to do a Teal'c perspective thing for a long time. And his views on being the outsider happen to reflect my own view as being someone who's never fit in her whole life - and has never cared to.

More humor in the next part, I promise! :-)