Chapter 12

I know it's not supposed to be easy
Pouring out the bottled up feelings
But I didn't think it would be this hard
Walking to school with a broken heart —Not Gonna to Cry, Emma Steinbakken

Bella

I sat semi-cross-legged on my bed, squeezing my worn-out Pillow Person into my chest with my chin resting on her sunken head. Dad brought Winkleberry home when I was in kindergarten, and my best friend, Marissa, moved away. The story on the tag said she was everybody's best friend, and you could tell her anything. She'd keep all your most precious secrets. She had lost a limb and had grown so tattered that stuffing leaked from some amateur sewing repairs made over the years, but despite the shape she was in, she remained handy to me at times.

Voices carried from outside, and the low, robust tone belonging to Jacob effortlessly trailed its way through my unopened window, triggering an increase in my heart rate fused with anxiety.

What pane of glass?

It was hard to believe I had one with the way all the outside sounds invaded my room whenever I preferred nothing less than deafening silence.

A knock at the front door followed Leah, Seth, and Jake's casual chit-chat. Why did you come by so soon? I wasn't ready to see him. But I couldn't be mad at him either. Because the facts remained the same, we weren't dating. Should he have behaved like we were? Still, I felt disappointed, hurt, and furious at him. I rubbed my temples, feeling more distressed.

Only a split-second later, I sprang to my feet, tiptoeing across my bedroom. I cracked my door open just to hear his voice. Mom answered the door, and I heard her announce, "Jacob, you're getting so tall. Now, don't get too much taller. Remember, I'm saving Bella for you."

I cringed at her ridiculousness. Nobody wanted to hear that kind of remark. It was disturbing enough when we were younger. Now that we were older, it was insane sounding.

"I'll try not to," Jacob said with laughter in his voice.

"Holy buckets, you grew!" Dad said. "What is it now, five-ten or five-eleven?"

"More like six foot."

Six-foot! I had half a mind to run downstairs and throw myself around him, like I did with Embry. But that was only half a mind. Knowing Jacob truly was the guy in the picture Emmett had painted so long ago wounded me enough. How much more rejection could I take? I was glad Emmett didn't know about me and Jake at the movies because he loved to say, "I told you so."

"Where is everyone?" Jake asked.

"I sent the boys to the grocery store. They should be home soon. Bella's upstairs. She claims she's not feeling well." The rest of mom's words straggled off.

Claims? I shook my head, squinting in anger. She was relentless. Furious over her attempts to accomplish who knows what? Another reason I shouldn't have exposed my feelings for Jacob to anyone. I pushed my door shut. I was about to turn my stereo on to drown out the lower level sounds, hoping the music would smother my yearning to see Jacob, when I heard footsteps on the stairs.

I might have guessed she wouldn't let me hide up in my room. But this was my opportunity to get her alone and tell her to stop interfering because there was nothing going on between me and Jacob. I wrenched the door open, and my heart leaped out of my body, making me fall breathless.

Jake smiled that charming smile of his. The one smile that always made me weak in the knees. Tall, broad, and handsome, he was perfect. My mouth formed its own smile. I was hopeless. Biting my lip, I lowered my eyes, assembling my defenses. "Hi, Jake!"

"What, no hug for me?"

I forced myself to reach up and give him a light embrace. Not only did he grow taller, but he was more developed. And strong, by the feel of him. A slight squeeze coming from the arms he had draped around my lower back brought me to my senses. I let go, placing my fingertips on the fronts of his shoulders, and pushed myself away from him. Turning around, I said, "Sorry, Jacob. I'm not feeling well."

"I know. Your mom told us. What's wrong?"

"What are you doing up here, Jake?" I muttered. I folded my arms around my waist and sat down on my bed. "You don't have to humor her, you know?"

"I wasn't. I wanted to see you."

Well, you don't have to humor me. I grimaced.

His expression turned confused, and he took a step back. "Sorry, you're not feeling good."

Don't leave. "Wait a minute, Jake!"

His eyes widened. "Yeah?"

I'd have to sort out my tangled emotions later. "I'm feeling well enough. Come inside and tell me about your school?" I softened my expression with a grin.

His shoulders relaxed, and he came inside, closed the door a little, and sat down beside me. "I like the school and the people. Living in a dorm is different, though."

"Oh? What's it like?" I sensed a prickly tension between us. The way he lifted Winkleberry and fiddled with her told me he sensed it, too.

"It's three to four guys to a suite, so someone is always around. But it isn't like living with family, and the dorm-rules make it difficult to spend enough time with Rebecca and Rachel."

"Is it lonely?"

I watched him absentmindedly pull Winkleberry into his chest.

"Its lonely sometimes. I have a lot of friends, but I still miss..." Glancing down, he realized her in his arms, and his face puckered. "What the hell?"

The startled jump in his eyes made me laugh, disintegrating some awkwardness that clogged the atmosphere.

He laughed with me. "You don't sleep with this creepy little thing, do you, Bella?"

"No. It's a classic. My dad says they don't make them anymore. I'm surprised this is the first time you saw her. She usually sits on that night stand." I signaled to the corner.

"Huh." He dangled her around in his hands, examining her for another couple of seconds, then handed her back to me. "Looks like someone beat her one too many times. Anyway, I'm glad to be home. I missed you guys."

"We missed you, too." As I returned the sentiment, I wished he didn't have a hint of my attraction to him, and I knew nothing of his disregard.

Embry's insinuation I meant more to Jacob than the girls he dated in Chemawa ruffled through my head. I wondered if he meant it as a compliment or was it an insult to my intelligence?

No! I would not psychotically exaggerate what happened between us and ruin our close friendship. He did nothing wrong. When he left, he even made a point of telling me he didn't make promises to anyone. The error was mine because I refused to accept Jake's not coming over and not calling for what it was. A sign he didn't want to take things further with me. I frowned at the realization.

"What? What's that look about?"

Supposing it was as good a time as any, I brifely glanced away, mustering boldness before facing him. "It doesn't have to be weird between us or anything, Jake. I mean. Before you left, things got mixed up. But let's just forget it."

He already did, but at least he'd know I was okay with it. Then we could go back to normal.

His eyebrows lifted and his posture straightened. "What? Why?"

"Why? Well, because..." Thumps in the hallway interrupted us, and I finished a spontaneous reason in my head. You're you, and I'm lame, and we don't feel the same for each other. We turned toward the gaping door, and Jake stood up.

"Are you coming down, Jake?" Seth asked as the door opened wide. "Emmett and Jasper are back." He waltzed inside while Leah stood in the doorway with a strange look on her face.

"So, your mom and dad are taking us out to dinner. Pizza, I think. Are you coming, or are you too sick?" Jake asked.

Unsure, I imagined sitting around the table with everyone, holding up a charade. "Um..."

"She's not too sick. Come with us, Bella." Seth's bubbly energy was always contagious to me.

I mirrored Seth's smile back at him and decided to power through getting me and Jake back to normal by not paying him much attention like I did in the past. "Sure, anything for you, Seth."