BITTERSWEET STRUGGLE-3

Hello everyone. Thank you for reading and reviewing the last chapter. I hope, that you like it so far. Charles has to deal with the growing symptoms of his disease and Elsie still doesn't have the clue, as time goes by, it is more and more difficult for him to hide it. This chapter will be a reflection of the title's story. A pinch of bitterness and a little bit of sweetness.

Charles sat in the chair in his pantry, trying to have five minutes to himself. It was not an easy day today, lots of duties, unexpected events and never ending felt a cramp in his hand and he knew, that another shaking attack was on the way. He closed the door and decided to separate himself from the world.

He was wondering, how much longer will he be able to hide it from Elsie and everyone else? Not long he supposed. The symptoms were more and more noticeable for the people who surrounded him and the only consolation was, that probably nobody of them had any idea about this disease.

Charles was balancing on a tightrope here, because he was on the eyes of people all day long. He couldn't just lock himself in the room and hide away from everyone.

At the Abbey, he had to be the boss, the person that everyone were relying on and in the cottage, he needed to take an active part in the domestic life with his wife, trying to hide his condition from her.

He wanted to gather a courage to tell Elsie, but everytime he opened his mouth, something else came along and he wasn't able to talk about it.

Elsie was the light of his life, his biggest joy and he would do anything to not to worry her. Besides, he felt ashamed, simply ashamed to admit, what was going on with him, because his male pride didn't allow him to do that. He saw himself as a caring husband, someone who is suppose to be strong and whose job is to take care about his wife. How would it look like if now, only after few months of marriage, it would turn out, that he is the one who needs care?

Elsie married him because she loved him, he was absolutely sure of that, but at the same time he knew, that she also wanted someone to take care of her, to provide her some financial and life stability and he would hate to think about himself, as a weak man, who had to depend on his wife.

He was shuddering for the very thought of it. Especially, when his tormented mind gave him images that he remembered from his childhood- his grandad and his dad, were having the same problem and Charles still saw in front of his eyes, the days, when they were not even able to eat by themselves and they had to be fed by their loving wives.

He didn't want to do it to Elsie, so he kept on guarding his secret. Elsie had so many duties in the house, so many worries, Charles knew, that by the end of the day, she just wanted to be with him in the cottage, relaxed and enjoying their special moments together. He didn't want to destroy this magical world, that they built for each other during last few months.

It was definitely more difficult at work, as his condition didn't let him do all the things that he was doing before and he was aware, that the staff probably noticed, that something was not as it used to be before.

The footmen of course didn't dare to argue with him, or discuss why he let them manage things that he was managing on his own before, but he caught few surprised looks, that they've exchanged between each other.

That was not the worst part though. The family started to notice things too. It was customarily, that he liked to pour wine to His Lordship during dinner, he never let anyone else do it for him. Now he had to change this, as in the moment of great stress, his hand began to fail him and he let Andrew or Molesley do it. When after dinner His Lordship was going to the library, to drink his evening drink, he was always the one who accompanied him, now he ordered the footmen to replace him.

He saw the raised eyebrows, total astonishment in the eyes of the family and it made him suffer even more. He couldn't fall asleep at night, seeing disappointment on his employers faces.

However the thing that has hurt his heart the most, was the talk between His Lordship and Lady Mary, which he accidentaly overheard after a dinner. They mentioned something about Carson not being himself recently and neglecting his duties. Lady Mary tried to excuse her favorite butler, but her argument, that Carson is simply getting old and we need to take it easy on him, was not the thing that made him feel better.

That night, at the cottage, after hearing this remark, he surprised Elsie again, searching for her closeness all evening. He wanted to hide in her arms and divide himself from the cruel reality, which was nearing him more and more, causing a big lump in his throat and making him more and more scared. It was a blessing, that he had Elsie. He couldn't imagine going through this without her, even if she yet didn't know much about his health condition. Her calming presence, her steady love, made him stronger.

Charles felt his muscles were getting stiff again, that has progressed also recently and he was so tired, so very tired. He needed a time off. He took of his jacket and tried to get rid of the tension, but it was no good.

That's how Elsie found him and she was suspicious again, something was not right with Charles. If only they had more time for themselves and could talk...

"What's the matter Charlie? Are you all right?"

"Yes Elsie, just perfect. It's only that it's been such a long day and my muscles feel a bit sore...It must be my age...I'm getting old..."

"I didn't notice that...Here, let me help you with that..."

Elsie neared Charles and she started to gently massage his shoulders..He closed his eyes, sighing deeply and let her indulge him. Her touch had an amazing effect on him, any touch. He loved when she touched him. Once again he felt like he was home.

Elsie was watching him with concern. Indeed he looked like he was very tired. Like he needed some time off. A thought has occurred to her at once and she decided to share it with Charles.

"Charlie, I have an idea. Why don't you take a day off. A whole day off. You can stay at the cottage, have some long nap, read some book, just have a quiet time for yourself."

"A day off? Elsie! What kind of idea is that? What would the family say, if I wasn't here?"

"Charles, there were days when you weren't here and the house didn't collapse. We went to our honeymoon, remember? They survived without us. I will personally ask His Lordship for it, tonight."

"What about you Elsie? Will you go to work alone? And I will just be in the cottage, all by myself?"

"Yes, that's exactly how it's going to be. Just wait here and I will speak to His Lordship."

Elsie left the room and Charles knew, that he should have protested, but he didn't. He simply couldn't. For once, his sense of duty lost with with his need of rest. He really wanted a day off. To his surprise, Elsie came back with the good news. He was allowed to take a day off tomorrow, a whole day off.

Charles was very glad about it, but he tried to hide his joy from Elsie.

The next morning, when Elsie was getting ready for work, he wanted to walk her to the Abbey, but she protested. She told him to sleep as long as he likes and have some time to himself. He wanted to have breakfast with her, so she let him. They talked about the evening. Charles noticed, how tired Elsie was and she mentioned, that when she will get back from work, she will prepare some dinner for them and do some house cleaning.

They've kissed goodbye and Elsie left to the Abbey, leaving Charles excited, because he wanted to make her a nice surprise. He decided to do all the cleaning and cook dinner for them.

He knew, that it will not be an easy task, but Elsie deserved such a nice gesture from him. It was still early morning, so he decided that a little nap will serve him good. He was surprised, waking up almost three hours later, but he didn't feel like he wasted time. On the contrary, he knew, that it was needed.

When he got up and made himself presentable, he decided to take action. He helped Elsie cleaning the cottage, so he had some experience, but it was still a very uncertain area for him.

Knowing what hard work was, he managed to do everything he planned and the only victim of his cleaning, was the small flower vase, which they received as a gift for their wedding. Neither of them really liked it and it was standing in the corner of the room, so Charles was hoping, that Elsie will not notice that.

Making the dinner, was the worst part of the job. He knew, what Elsie was planning to cook and he knew, that luckily, they have all ingredients needed, so basing on the recipe given to Elsie by Mrs Patmore and on the small experience that he was having in the kitchen, sighing and huffing a lot, he was able to prepare a nice meal for both of them.

Elsie was simply shocked, when she came home, after another exhausting day of work, with the idea in her head, that she has another things to do in the cottage, she was astound, when she found a perfectly cleaned cottage and her husband beaming with joy and pride and waiting for her by the table, to serve her dinner.

"Charlie, did you make all this on your own? My, my, I thought that you will get some rest."

"I'm not used to have some rest, I need to do something. I wanted to ease you a bit in your duties Elsie. Are you happy about it?"

"Charlie, how can you even ask? Of course that I'm happy, here I was thinking how many more things I have to do today and there you are, with your lovely surprise...Thank you..."

"You are very welcome my love...Sit comfortably and I will serve you dinner."

Elsie simply couldn't get out of an awe, of how marvelously Charles was handling tonight. He was quick, efficient and she didn't see any sings of tiredness on him. He served dinner, they ate together, he cleaned after dinner, not letting her help, even though she wanted to and he served them wine, in front of the fireplace.

They were slowly sipping the wine, talking about their day and Charles noticed, that Elsie was getting closer and closer to him, by the minute...She was clearly in the mood for something...He was wondering, if maybe that was just his impression, but he swiftly found out, that in fact it was not, when Elsie's sweet kisses left him no doubt, how she wanted to spend the rest of the evening...

"Elsie"-he whispered between the kisses, which were getting more and more heated with every minute.."Do you want to...?"

"Yes Charlie..."-she whispered back..."I want that very much..."

Very soon, they found themselves in their bedroom and the most beautiful ritual, that they both knew so well by now and that they both adored, began.

Gentle, sweet kisses and lovely caresses, unhurried and full of sensuality...Soft moans and eyes shining with love and desire...Their naked bodies tangled in the sheets, in the light of the moon, their never ending desire to be united..

Charles wanted this to never end, as always , those were the only moments, when he was forgetting about the whole world, about all his problems, his anxieties. There was nothing more, but him and Elsie and the most tender way of expressing their love.

When they finished making love and Elsie fell asleep in his arms, Charles was still stroking her gently and he had his eyes opened, playing in his mind all the stages of their intimate life. How much he fought in the beginning of their marriage, about Elsie not being ashamed and uncertain about her womanhood, so she could finally open for their closeness fully and so she could start to enjoy their sex life and take pleasure of it. Now, after few months, they finally got to that place...

This night he could forget the fear that has been paralyzing his body for few weeks and pretend, that everything was all right, that he was safe...

Yup. I told you, some bitterness and some sweetness. I hope that in relatively equal measure ;-) Things are getting more and more difficult and now, not only Elsie, but also the family knows, that something is not quite right. Writing this story, I'm trying to imagine, how Charles must have been terrified in the moment, when he started to discover the first symptoms and how awful and useless he felt. I hope, that so far it's not been disappointing. If you wish and have time, you are always welcome to share your thoughts about the story. Thank you for reading and have yourself a nice week.