Chapter 5: Experiencing Irony
If she hadn't been quite so eager to revert to corporeality, her life would never have become so complicated.
At the time, however, the thought of remaining insubstantial for one moment longer had been tantamount to torture, and so the moment she shot through her chamber floor, content in the knowledge that Pavarti and Lavender were spending the night in other more interesting (a.k.a. male) beds, she dropped her bundle of clothing and shoes, – which remained suspended in midair – pointed her wand at herself, and panted, "Plene patesco mei corpus necnon wand!"
A small gust of air rushed away from every surface of her body and she was suddenly standing undressed, but blissfully tangible. She exhaled in shaky, sweet relief and –
"Hermione?!"
A strangled, all too male voice croaked from behind her and shattered the evanescent peace. She whirled round in alarm.
To her absolute horror, Harry and Ron leapt to their feet – and into her field of vision. They proceeded to gape at her with stunned, un-for the moment-abashed adolescent incredulity. Her jaw dropped as every millimetre of blood in her body raced to her cheeks.
They stared openly at each other in echoic, remorseless silence for five long seconds.
"You're not supposed to be in here!" The righteous anger that she'd meant to infuse her voice with came out shrill and incensed.
Ron could only mouth at her soundlessly. He looked rather like a guppy.
Harrylooked as though he'd like to run himself through with whatever implement was nearest and most convenient. "You… you didn't come back and… Hermione, it's been hours. We were worried and…" He winced, trailing off. He seemed to be finding it difficult to look at her.
Ron, on the other hand, couldn't seem to stop. Hermione staggered backwards and yanked a sheet off of her bed.
As she fumbled ineptly to wrap it round herself, Ron seemed to come to what remained of his senses, yelped, and stumbled in his haste to turn his back, dragging Harry with him.
Hermione took several deep breaths, and allowed her cardiac system to decelerate her heartbeat and force most of the blood in her cheeks back into the regions of her body it belonged and. "I'll just… get my clothes back then."
The boys shifted their feet uncomfortably in response.
Hermione shut her eyes in mortification and dived at her dresser.
Vehemently.
In her struggle to find clothing, she dropped the sheet. However, as Harry and Ron probably wouldn't have turned around to save her life, this really wasn't much of a concern.
"What spell were you using?" Harry spoke with his back turned, making a strained effort to drive out the unnerving silence. He sounded slightly impressed and slightly reproachful. "You weren't on the map."
That's why they were so worried.
"Plene latito," she croaked. "It makes a person – or an object – essentially indiscernible; it's impossible to see, smell, feel, hear, or even taste anyone who's had plene latito cast on them." Just keep talking. You're defining a charm. Just helping them with homework. Ron didn't just see you naked. "Well, unlessyou yourself are somehow concealed as well. For instance, actual ghosts, or people who've had another intangibility spell cast on them can interact with the spell's target, but they wouldn't be able to smell, hear, see, or taste them. Plene latito's targets can only be sensed by someone who's also indiscernible by one of the five senses, and, in such a case, the target can only be sensed by the use of the particular sense that's been made imperceptible." The familiarity of lecturing Harry and Ron – and the accumulation of clothing – was slowly calming her nerves. "This also means that the target itself cannot interact with the tangible world in any way."
Harry sounded slightly awed, and slightly concerned. "So… say I'd been invisible…"
"Then you'd have been able to see me, yes, but wouldn't have been able to sense me in any other way."
Ron sounded as though he was frowning. "But then… how do you turn back? Can you do your want at the same time as you plene yourself?"
Hermione nodded, as redundant as the motion was, given their current positions, and tossed the discarded sheet back onto her bed. "Yes, and as plene latito has the same effect on all of its targets, you can use your wand normally for the duration of the spell, and then just use the counter spell, plene patesco, to turn both yourself, and your wand back to nor… mal…" Hermione trailed off as she was engulfed by a potent sensation of dismay.
She turned around slowly.
Her wand was hovering exactly two feet from her, a sparkling shade of silver, once again.
Ron and Harry's feet shifted again in the reinstated silence. "…uh, Hermione?" Ron sounded extremely tentative.
For lack of anything articulate to say, she cleared her throat and mumbled, "Decent."
The two boys shuffled round to face her, looking perplexed.
Harry frowned at her, "What's the matt…"
Ron swore violently, catching sight of the suspended piece of smoke. "What happened?"
Hermione took two quick steps towards it and attempted to grab at it. She cringed as her hand passed right through it. "Snape. He did something to my wand when he found it. It must be some sort of intangibility spell, because I was able to touch it when I was under the effects of plene latito but," she raked her fingers through her hair, "plene patesco only counters plene latito, so I just returned it to the state it was in before plene latito was cast. Which means it's still under the influence of whatever Snape's spell did to it."
She looked up to see two extremely uncertain pairs of eyes. She exhaled tiredly and hopped onto her bed, motioning for the two of them to have a seat so she could explain.
The Wand Crisis seemed – somehow – to have released any residual tension in the room, and Harry clambered onto the bed after her.
Ron slipped onto Lavender's bed.
Why's he so shy about proximity all of a sudden?
It's probably just easier to talk from there…
Sitting on the same bed was never a problem before.
Analysis later.
Harry had obviously overcome his shock – Ron, although relaxed, was still slightly pink around the edges – and The Boy Who Lived was grinning at her apologetically, his eyes dancing.
"Sorry, Hermione…"
She blushed, but laughed in spite of herself.
He continued, a trace of mischief to his tone. "Just give us some warning next time."
"There isn't going to be a next time, Harry."
"Good. If news got around that you materialise into your room undressed without checking to see that it's occupied often, we might have to start fighting off uninvited male visitors."
She flushed. So, interestingly enough, did Ron. Curious. Her stomach did a small sort of flip-flop – which she ignored – and she shot Harry a deprecating frown. "Oh honestly."
Harry grinned a request for pardon again and she, after a moment of furious inner conflict, smiled helplessly in return.
They'd come into her room out of concern, not because they'd wanted to see her naked.
And, after last year's persistent bouts of uncommunicative and hostile friendship and misunderstandings, being able to joke with Harry unreservedly always managed to incite giddiness and delight. Especially because of how sad he'd been for most of the summer. Because of…
Still can't even think his name, can you?
I can…
Then say it.
Fine…
I'm waitin–
Sirius
Oh bravo. Harry's dealing with it better than you are, Hermione.
I'm not dealing with anything. And I'm sure Harry still hurts on the inside as well. It's just… healthy grief, now.
Right…
Look at the expression on his face! He's happy. He's glad that everything's better now too.
I guess so…
"Did you get the ingredients?" Ron's voice broke through the glance Harry and Hermione were sharing, rather brusquely. Her insides squirmed again as she noticed the tail end of a resentful glance at Harry.
She winced. "No… and Snape has the cloak."
"Hermione!" Their tones and features were twin expressions of anguish.
Although she was feeling extremely remorseful about the situation, she found the speed at which they could exchange apologetic embarrassment for severe outrage slightly amusing.
She took a deep breath, and told them the whole story. After she'd finished, Harry looked rather stunned.
"So, at this moment, Snape is downstairs in the dungeon, completely aware of the fact that you tried to steal ingredients from his potions cupboard."
"Yes, bu-"
"And he knows this because, after you'd stolen the ingredients, instead of simply waiting for him to leave the room so that you could leave without him noticing, you tackled him, because you thought that he was about to drink some sort of poison."
"It wasn't exactly poiso-"
"And then it spilled all over you, a-"
Ron interrupted, confused. "Autorizzare can make someone unconscious when it's spilled on them?"
Hermione coughed and averted her eyes to study her blanket. "Uh… it… mixed with the potion Snape was going to drink…"
Harry frowned. "But I thought you said that Autorizzare was really hard to mix with stuff."
Hermione gulped. "Yeah… it is…"
Oh, bravo. Way to sidestep.
Of all the things I teach him, he has to remember that!
Just make something up!
I can't lie!
Uh, yes, you can. They have absolutely no clue what you're talking about.
But it's wrong!
Someday, these morals of yours are going to get you into a great deal of trouble.
"Then how-"
"I didn't… exactly… manage to get the autorizzare. I sort of… stole a koritsu infusion. By accident…" Hermione looked up - after several seconds had elapsed - to see Ron goggling at her. She glowered at him. "Don't say it."
Harry was grinning, in spite of everything. "Having a bit of an off night, aren't you?" He plunged back into his rundown of the night's events with vigour.
"So, after you attacked Snape, the bottle of koritsu that you stole from his cupboard breaks, spills onto your skin with part of Snape's potion, and they mix together to form some mad potion that causes you to loose consciousness for about two dozen minutes."
"…yes."
"And then you wake up, but instead of staying in the dungeon and following the orders that he left on the blackboard, you stole your wand back from under his nose, and ran for it."
Sounds pretty dense when he puts it like that, doesn't it?
I don't want to hear anything more out of you.
She nodded, closed her eyes, and ran a hand through her hair distractedly.
"Why?!" Harry almost yelled it. His voice sounded a little shrill now. "He's going to be barking. I mean, Snape's stupid, but you slammed him into a wall. I'm pretty sure he knows it was you."
Hermione was, by now, aware of the fact that she'd made more stupid decisions in the past hour than she had in her entire life. While she did feet that a good reprimanding was in order, she would have preferred to perform it herself, rather than have two adolescent boys rub her nose in her mistakes repetitively.
She exhaled and raised her eyes to glare at the pair of them. "It was the potion." Her teeth were practically eroding each other.
"The potion made you act like that." Harry stated it flatly. Hermione had the impression that the only thing keeping his tone from outright disbelief was the fact that her current facial expression seemed to be intimidating him.
"Harry, Koritsu is an extremely powerful substance. It's used mainly because it induces analgia, which is an inability to feel pain, but it also has two other additional symptoms: abulia and hysteria. Abulia is… well, it's when you lack motivation - it usually manifests as an inability to make decisions. When the hysteria is coupled with the lack of motivation, your actions are, well, controlled almost entirely by your glands rather than by your brain. And, when koritsu infusion is absorbed - poured directly over your skin, in other words - instead of ingested, its effects are more potent. Basically, all of your actions are based on what's happening at the time. There's no reflection or thought involved in your choices, and they're made quickly."
There was a pause while this information percolated slowly.
Harry looked a little browbeaten, but nodded. "Okay, but what I don't understand is why Snape didn't get you while you were unconscious. Why did he give you the chance to run? Couldn't he have just turned himself invisible, found you, and then used the counter spell on you? Why did he have to wait to let you wake up and do it yourself?"
Hermione smiled wryly. "Plene latito and plene patesco are difficult to cast. You have to concentrate on changing every part and aspect of the spell's recipient. Witches and wizards have an innate sense of their internal selves - I think it's an ability that comes with being magical - so they are slightly easier to cast on yourself, but still, only with practise. Casting it on another human being is almost impossible unless you've had ample opportunity to study their body structure. Imagine what would happen if you forgot to change back the heart, or the lungs. Snape could have killed me."
"Wouldn't put it past him."
"Oh honestly, Harry. He's a teacher - not a homicidal maniac on the prowl."
Harry's eyes flashed with surprising amounts of anger, but he didn't speak, as Ron chose that moment to cut in.
"I can't believe you tackled him." He was gazing at her in awe, and obviously not listening to a word she was saying.
Harry snorted with laughter.
He's talking again, I see.
I thought I told you to shut up.
You did. I never listen to you.
Hermione tossed her arms into the air in frustration and jumped off the bed to stand and face both of them. "There really wasn't anything else I could do; by the time I'd realised what he was about to drink, the potion was about two inches from his mouth."
Harry's laughter faded. "Yes, well, I still can't believe he'd commit suicide…"
"It wouldn't have poisoned him exactly."
"Well what then?" Ron was frowning.
"It…" She paused for a moment. "You know obliviate?"
Ron's eyes widened, and he said, "Yeah…" a little uncertainly.
"Think like that, but… completely. The potion can be brewed to eradicate, not only memories, but things like… socialisation, basically. There have been documented cases where people have forgotten how to walk, talk, eat, drink… like they're infants again."
Harry spoke in a slightly odd tone. "And Snape was going to drink that?"
Hermione turned to look at him. A little quickly. She'd been staring at Ron. "I don't know what he modified the potion to erase from his mind, but potentially, yes."
Harry muttered something she didn't catch, as Ron burst out with, "Well what if he was just trying to forget something that You-Know-Who did to him? You know what he said in our first class. "Foolish wand waving" and all that. He would have used a potion instead of obliviate. What if you jumped him for nothing?!"
Hermione froze for the smallest of moments, before she responded. "No, Ron, of course I didn't. Powdered Qilin horn was the final ingredient he added, which indicates that it would have been a fairly severe version of the potion."
But you didn't know that when you threw yourself at him, did you? You came up with that explanation just now.
I…
What made you so sure that he was going to hurt himself, Hermione?
An apparition of pale, long, fingers clasped around the stem of a sterling goblet raised before eyes that were undeniably glittering with some sort of final farewell flashed through her mind before she was able to force it out.
Ron was frowning at her.
Not wanting him to realise how much of her decision to lunge at Snape had been based on her analysis of his facial expression rather than the potion ingredients, she decided to experiment with something.
She smiled at him.
A curve of the lips that wasn't quite platonic anymore.
His eyes jerked to hers in shock, and their gazes met and held with a not-inconsiderable spark of chemistry.
Well that certainly distracted him. My congratulations.
Oh will you Shut. Up.
Harry seemed to have stopped muttering to himself. He interrupted their staring contest with a cough that contained, what Hermione felt was, a gratuitous amount of amusement.
Hermione and Ron stopped staring at each other and jerked round to focus on Harry.
"Well, we obviously have two immediate problems. One, Hermione's wand is useless, and two, Snake has my cloak. I think we should tackle the wand first." He turned to Hermione with a ridiculous amount of confidence and said cheerfully, "So! What did he do to it?"
She coughed and averted her gaze. Again.
"You don't know?!" Ron's voice was incredulous.
This was, apparently, unacceptable
Hermione snapped back, acidly. "No, Ron, I don't. I need to go to the library."
There was a long pause.
"You want to go out again?!"
You'd think that you'd said something unreasonable.
Hermione clenched her teeth and made a valiant effort to keep her temper. "I have potions first thing tomorrow. If I'm going to have to face Snape after what happened tonight, I'm going to do so with a fully functional wand."
That and you can't stand the fact that he fooled you.
He wouldn't have if I'd known the spell.
Which is another thing you can't stand.
Harry shook his head, looking overwhelmed. "Hermione…"
Hermione cut him off. "Can either of you cast a Disillusionment Charm?"
Harry arched a brow, looking a bit taken aback. "Yeah, actually. Moody used one on me when the Order took me from the Dursley's to Grimmauld Place last summer. I thought it'd be sort of… useful."
Hermione nodded slowly, feeling slightly apprehensive. "Uh… alright. Well, if you could just… cast it… then?"
"Hermione, for goodness sake, stop looking like I'm about to bang you over the head with a mallet. I'm not incompetent."
She flushed. "Sorry, Harry."
His wand rapped the top of her head smartly, and a flood of cold streamed down her body. She shivered slightly as Ron let out a gasp.
"Harry, that's brilliant. Can you teach me while she's in the library?"
Hmmm. You don't get as much attention when he can't see you…
What exactly is that supposed to mean?!
Oh, nothing…
Hermione scowled, glad that neither of the boys could see. "I'll be back in an hour."
Latin:
patesco: to be revealed.
necnon: and also.
From the author: I lied. My not-so-valiant attempt at bimonthly updates failed miserably. Partially due to school, and partially due to…
My first struggle with Writer's Block!
Which I've decided I don't particularly like.
In any case, I apologise for the slightly erratic nature of this chapter. I'm still not happy with it, so it may be re-written when, as Kaz814 said, my muse decides that I'm worthy of her attention once more.
I think, in the course of my absence, I lost touch with my ever-faithful beta. Fadingfaze, if you're out there, could you let me know?
Subtilior: I apologise for the excess of P's. Alliterations can be so tempting at times.
Anonymous & Campy Capybara: Thank you so much for the constructive criticism. Reviews like yours are my favourite kind. Helpful, without being hurtful. I hope I managed, however unsubtly, to address all of your questions.
