A/N:

Thank you so much for being here again! This is the longest chapter I've written for this story and I hope you enjoy getting to know Donna's story completely.

Just a tiny note: I have made a small change to the publication schedule, and I will publish the last chapter during this week and the epilogue next Sunday :)


After dinner, they move to the couch. Donna sits against the armrest, her elbow resting there and her hand holding her head. Harvey sits at the other side of the couch, his legs open, resting his elbows there, leaning forward, and turning his head toward her.

"Hey..." he murmurs and pauses. "Tell me what you wanna do... Do you wanna talk about anything? Watch a movie? That we play music and stay silent? We curled up here or in bed?..." he turns a little more toward her, who has her sight lost on the front. "Or do you wanna talk about what is happening?" Harvey slides his hand down her thigh, reaching her knee. "There is no correct answer here… just tell me."

She closes her eyes, taking a breath of air. "I don't know…" she shrugs. "Curling up with you is for sure on my wish list."

He smiles. "I have no objection to that."

Donna smiles and turns to look at him, even with her head resting in her hand. "You really wanna help me sort out the chaos I have in my mind?"

He nods. "I promise to do the best I can."

Donna twists the side of her mouth and Harvey gets a little closer to her, turning completely his torso toward her, his knee flexed over the couch. "So… my parents have had two separations." He nods. "The one you already know, when I was older… And my mother brought that man here." Donna rolls her eyes and he cannot help but giggle. "But that wasn't the first time. I was 10 when my father left home, they were split for almost two years… that was when my sister was born. And I remember that as my first great crisis, I mean… things had happened before, what I told you… But I don't remember all that. My memories begin there. I remember every day that I kept silent at that time. The day they told me my dad will leave home, I remember it as if it were today." Donna breathes and turns toward him, taking the same position as him. "Then there was too much turbulence. I think that when they came back, they weren't ready to do it… that was when they started to talk to me about their problems, and no, they were definitely not ready to return. Well, I guess that's why they then broke up again. I know they love each other, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I saw them really well. They have a complicated story."

Harvey rests his elbow on the back of the couch, resting his head in his hand. "We have a complicated story as well."

"I know." She murmurs. "I don't judge them by that… I know they always did the best they could. The problem is that I was treated like an adult when I was just a child." She snorts and her eyes fill with tears again. "When I got silent, it was that night when they told me that my dad would leave home. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even react. I was frozen. They had repeated so much that I was unbearable when I cried and that I had to stay calm that I just couldn't react. I just got up and locked myself in my room. It was on summer vacation. I think that helped me to stay silent, not having to go to school." She keeps talking and closes her eyes, remembering the sensation while dropping some tears. "And while I was silent, my dad stayed at my house. And for my child's mind, that meant that staying quiet was a good thing, with positive consequences, because my dad was still there." She says and looks back at him. At that moment, he raises his hand and catches some tears before they fall down her chin. "They tried by all the methods to make me speak… I knew that if I talked, my dad would leave. We clearly weren't fine, but I didn't realize then Harvey. I was just a girl who wanted to live with her parents."

"Of course, Donna... You were just a girl." He tells her, seeking to validate and encourage her a little.

"They were terrible weeks, Harvey." She says, with her lower lip shaking. "But I didn't cry once. Not even being alone. And I think I spoke again just because the date back to school was approaching…" she dries her own tears with the back of her hand. "I always tried to be stealthy and silent as possible. I didn't cry. If I laughed, I tried to do it without making too much noise, and I never shouted or raised my voice. I locked myself too tightly, Harvey. So, the first thing I said was that I wanted to take theater classes. I knew that for my parents to pay for my piano lessons was an immense effort and that if my dad moved elsewhere... Everything would be worse, my mom didn't work. But they gave it to me, I guess because of guilt." Donna speaks continuously, but suddenly feels she needs to pause as if she had forgotten to breathe. Harvey just watches her, seeking to convey all the love and support he can with his gaze, dragging the back of his fingers by her arm. "Sorry, I haven't talked about this, and… it overwhelms me."

"I have all the time in the world for you. Don't worry, don't apologize." He says with calm, grabbing her hand.

Donna smiles at him timidly and, after giving him a quick kiss on the lips as a thank you, she stands up to make two drinks, offers one to Harvey, and returns to sit next to him. "I started theater classes in a tiny school near my home…" she takes up her story, spinning the glass between her hands. "It was good for me." She says and drinks a sip. "I kept thinking about what I told you about the theater." She speaks, and he drinks a sip. "I love the theater, it has been my greatest refuge… It made me know emotions I had never been encouraged to experience, it helped me to get loose, to feel like myself through my characters… It wasn't overnight, I started theater at age 10 and took classes until I started college, where I studied dramatic arts, I mean... I really love acting."

"I know." He tells her with a slight smile, remembering how ethereal she looks on stage.

"And I think I would like to do something again with the theater, but probably related to teaching… not to live from being an actress, because… I don't know, I want to be able to live my emotions with no other characters right now. I want them by myself," she frowns. "Sorry, this makes no sense, and maybe I'm contradicting what I said last night."

"What did I tell you about apologizing?"

She grins. "I'm sorry."

"Donna!" he laughs, and she laughs again when she realizes she has just apologized. They drink a sip and leave the glasses on the coffee table, even if they aren't completely empty yet.

"Well… I continued with the piano and theater classes during those 5 years until we moved. I remember my theater teacher very much saying that I had to get loose myself, that I had to be freer… My piano teacher also said, that I was always too rigid, that I had to get loose, and that I got crazy a little. But I didn't know how to do it. I had built a wall around my emotions. And I think I'm still locked up there." She sobs at this last sentence, covering her face with her hands. "I think that's why I was able to suppress what I feel about you for so long." Donna's voice is choppy and Harvey has to struggle with the urge to hug her and protect her from the world against his chest. "I got used to living by holding my breath… now I realize it all started at that moment, with my parents-" Donna wants to keep talking but drowns in her cry.

"Hey… look at me… stop holding it and breathe…" he says in his soft voice and she takes her hands off her face. Harvey immediately envelops them with his and, with his gaze stuck in hers, he continues to talk. "You're drowning, breathe."

"I can't." She says in a rough voice. Although she is breathing, she's having a really hard time making it. Harvey nods and sits against the corner of the couch, his legs open to leave room for her.

"Come here." He tells her, offering her his hand. Donna accepts it, takes his hand, and lets herself be guided between his legs, resting her back on his torso, her nape between his head and his shoulder, his hands gently encircling her by her abdomen.

"I hate this feeling that everything is shaking inside me." She sobs, rubbing her nose with her hand.

"It's awful, I know." He murmurs and kisses the side of her forehead. "You let me do something?" Donna nods, and he reaches for his phone that is on the armrest, connects it to Donna's apartment speakers, and selects in Spotify their Miles Davis favorite album.

"Oh, God. This is the vinyl I ruined." She murmurs, her voice choked with tears.

Harvey chuckles softly. "Just… close your eyes and concentrate on breathing. Okay?" he tells her, his thumb moving over her arm. "Let the music guide you… I got you, I won't leave here." He murmurs and she closes her eyes, nodding. "I used to do this when I needed to reassure myself, with this same album… I still do it sometimes."

"Harvey..." she murmurs, letting out more tears.

"No, don't think about me now. Just... Take as much time as you need to calm down. Okay?"

Donna nods and tries to relax her body against him, even though she feels completely tense. She seeks to concentrate on his body by protecting her, a feeling she had been looking for since she remembers. Someone who holds her when she feels everything is collapsing. The feeling that someone will keep all her pieces and stay there as she glues them back together. His completely calm breathing and the warmth of his body surrounding her, along with the background music, help her relax. She still feels her chest agitated and all her muscles tensed and trembling inside, but she tries not to get stuck in it. She wants to keep talking; she wants to keep telling him. She needs to get everything out. With her eyes closed, she tries to remember those meditations from her yoga classes (classes she should take back; she thinks) and how her teacher made them visualize every part of her body to relax, and that's what she does, starting from her feet to her head, looking for that with each breath her body will be relieved.

And it seems to work. Several songs later, she feels her breathing normalize and curls against him.

"If you feel you can't…"

"I need to get it out of the inside."

"Okay…" he murmurs against her forehead and kisses her there. Donna gets up a little, just enough to look at him and he gives her a soft kiss on her lips and steals her a slight smile. She moves to drink another sip and returns to settle on him, her back resting on his chest, and he tenderly surrounds her. "Are you comfy?"

"Yep…" she whispers, resting her feet on the armrest. "Then…" she sighs to return to her story. "Those two years were too strange, Harvey. I was in the middle of them. I really felt like I was being used as a spoil. At my mom's house, the only thing we talked about was how bad my dad was. In my dad's house, the opposite. And I listened and absorbed all that, although I always had my opinion about them. I guess I could read them enough to not let myself be influenced by them. I never stopped loving them. Sometimes it was too difficult, but I never hated them." She swallows drily and feels a kiss from him on her temple that makes her close her eyes for a moment. "Whenever I was at home, I was doing homework, or practicing with the piano at Mom's home, or learning scripts for theater classes… I was reading. Those were my shelters. Reading it was something I could do all the time, and it was a way to silence my thoughts. And… the piano was a way to cover up my thoughts, to make the music sound louder, and it was something very important to me. I still like the piano. It was the first expression tool I had, although I also used it to cover me." She reflects aloud. "And the theater… It helped me discover myself, to know emotions I had never experienced. The problem is that I never let that happen beyond my character. I cried everything I needed to cry on stage, never in my room. I laughed louder in class than anywhere else. And so yet… that school was the first place I played and held me more than I can explain. I studied there until we moved."

"Did you meet Allison there?"

Even though he only saw her once, she smiles because he remembers her. "Yes... she's the only one who's still my friend from there. She was also one of the toughest parts of the move." Donna looks for a brief distraction by playing with Harvey's arm hair between her fingers. "The two years my parents weren't together were terrible, but… Harvey…" she sighs. "It was so much worse when they returned and I stopped being the spoils of war to become their marriage counselor. I don't understand how they thought it would be a good idea to treat me like that." She sobs, unable to contain tears again. "Besides, my sister… it took my mother years to accept that. My father wasn't long with that woman. I know my sister resulted in an accident. My dad tried to integrate her into the family, but my mom couldn't bear it and I didn't know what to do with a baby. She only cried when I had to study or read, and I couldn't play the piano when she was sleeping… so my relationship didn't begin the best way with her." Donna sits more upright and rubs her face with her hands. Harvey also sits, staying behind her, his hand on her back, but giving her some space. "But what annoyed me most was that they would come into my room and do therapy with me. As if I were anything but her daughter."

"Have you never told them? I mean… before."

She denies it. "I realize now that all this shit on my body and mind began when I was a kid, but they definitely increased back then." She sighs. "This feeling of my body shaking and the impediment to crying has been with me for as long as I can remember."

Harvey nuzzles his back and kisses her on her shoulder. "Parents are a complicated situation… I mean, I'm not minimizing what you're telling me, but… You're with a man who lived for years covering trauma with his mother with so much shit."

"I already know that you have experience."

Harvey nods, but that wasn't his intention to comment on that. "What I mean is that… therapy has helped me, of course, and I think it would be good if you think of starting a therapeutic process when you feel ready." He moves a little, so he can turn his head over her shoulder and look at her. "But you have also helped me, and that you have supported me, in a way that no one ever did with me… It was the most important for me. That you always had faith in me it was everything to me." Donna smiles and turns to look at him. "If you could with me, you're going to be able with yourself, Donna." He tells her sweetly, covering her hand with his over her thigh. "And I'm here for anything you need."

"Do you hug me?" she sobs, and he nods, wrapping her and smooching her on her cheek.

"That you can say it aloud is a big first step."

She nods and closes her eyes, dropping some tears. "I know." Harvey spins his torso enough, without releasing her, and raises one of his hands to her face, to dry her tears with the back of his fingers and then gives her sweet kisses on her lips, which make her smile and flood her body with some peace amid the storm. "Just… my mind goes faster than I can express myself." She says, avoiding his gaze and closing her eyes tightly, looking for some clarity, even though she can't find it. Harvey poses his forehead on hers, entangling his fingers in the hair of her nape and scratching there gently. "Is the idea of curling up in bed still on the table?"

"Of course…" he mutters.

"Fine… I need the incentive to finish this." She sighs and separates a little from him. Donna sits back in front of him and he gets a little closer to her. His hand slips from her knee to her thigh and leaves it there. She feels like the heat his palm gives off travels through her body and a tiny smile appears on her lips. "3 years later, when we moved to Connecticut, things were still wrong… even worse, because that was the most difficult time economically speaking… My uncle offered my dad a job. We moved to a smaller place. There was no more room for my piano and there I started musical theater classes. Of course, I had to start at a new school, leave all my friends there, even a boy who was, something like, my boyfriend."

Harvey wrinkles his nose, pretending discomfort. "Ouch, I'm not your first boyfriend?" he snorts and Donna cannot help but giggle.

"You're an idiot!"

"Name of the bastard?"

She giggles again. "Mike," Donna says without realizing and they laugh.

"Tell me it wasn't the puppy."

"Harvey! He was a year older than me! Or do you think that at 15 I could be with a boy 8 years younger than me?"

"Well, I guess that would have been weird." He says, still laughing. "He was your first time?"

She rolls her eyes. "No, you have been."

He sighs, relieved. "Yep… that I assumed. I mean, who doesn't have their first time with strawberries and whipped cream?"

Donna laughs out loud and suddenly realizes that she isn't covering her mouth. Nor did it a few seconds ago, which makes her relax a little. "Totally normal, you know?" they come close to kiss, still laughing. "I should have asked you if that was usual?"

"How could I know? It was also my first time!"

Donna denies it with her head, unable to stop laughing and he just watches her, his brown and warm eyes contemplating her as if she were the universe, and for a moment, she is ashamed. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Why?"

"Because I'm laughing too much."

He smirks. "That's why I look at you like this. I like your laugh, your cry, and everything about you. Except for Thai."

She giggles. "How are you able to make me laugh during this chaos?"

He shrugs. "I just try to make you relax."

She smiles. "You do it very well." He smiles at her back. "Just help me remember where I was going."

"Mike…"

She giggles again. "In the move. That also included not seeing my sister frequently." She says and drinks the rest of her scotch. Harvey does the same. "My parents pretended to be fine in front of everyone, even in front of me, when I was with both of them. They always did it, unless they came to my room to talk to me and Harvey…" she sighs. "That house was smaller. Their room was next to mine. You have no idea how many fights I heard. And I was already much older. I mean, I could understand perfectly everything they said. And yet… I couldn't cry." She sobs, biting her inner cheek. "I lost the piano in my house, so I read much more when I was at home. And besides the school stuff, I had enough to study with my scripts. I did like that. It distracted me." She smiles. "There began my obsession with Shakespeare. I was Juliet in the first play I did with them."

Harvey cannot hide a smile. "Of course, you're the main character wherever you go."

"Except my own life." She murmurs as if the conclusion hit her suddenly and without notice.

"Donna…" he says with sadness. "I've seen you do incredible things, and you let no one pass you over."

"Harvey… you and I know I did it more than once."

He shakes his head. "What would you do if the spotlight was pointing at you from now on?"

"I don't know." She responds in confusion.

"Think about it, improvise. You don't have to answer me now, you don't even have to answer me. Just… Think about it. Okay?" she nods, drying her tears with her trembling fingers. "Of course, there are things that can change if you want to… and you have indeed lived a lot of time behind me. I know that." He sighs with a little anguish. "And behind many people, and you've let yourself push to the bottom of the stage a few times. More times than you should allow, probably." He continues to speak while looking at her in the eyes and intertwining his fingers with hers. "But Donna… Don't minimize everything you've done, what you've accomplished, or where you're now… You know very well that we wouldn't have worked for so long together if you weren't good at it. Do you know, do you?" she nods. Yes, she knows. "And you're COO now because you have the capabilities to do it." He says, caressing his hand with her thumb. "And you have wonderful friends, a delightful place to live, hobbies that you enjoy. Despite this, you get along well with your parents… And you also have a very nice boyfriend, by the way." He says, acting a cough and making her giggle. "Don't let your sadness at this moment cover everything you have accomplished."

"I feel stuck in that 15-year-old girl right now."

Harvey grabs her other hand and squeezes them gently. "I guess it must be normal. You're living everything again, after forgetting it for a long time."

"It's just..." she exhales. "I wanna say it, Harvey. I need to do it."

"I'm interrupting you a lot? I'm sorry."

She smiles at him. "No, I like what you tell me." He smiles at her back. "But this is something I need to get out of my chest. I want you to know. I wanna finish rebuilding it aloud." Harvey nods and moves their hands back together on her lap. "My theater teachers were so important to me. But… I let my characters overshadow me and that wasn't good." She shrugs, giving herself a few seconds to think. "I spent all day saying my lines in my mind. And thinking about how my character would react, and that ended up blocking me, but also saved me. The theater saved me, but it also turned me off. I know it's contradictory. I feel alive when I'm on stage. It's always been like that… probably because it was the only place I showed genuine emotions." Donna needs to breathe deeply again. He still stares at her, and that helps her not to get lost in her mind. "And when I started college, I was so relieved to know that I had to move out of town and away from my parents. Sounds cruel, but I needed that space for me. I had a great time in college. It was my first taste of freedom and I learned a lot about myself without all that outside noise… the noise continued in my mind, but there I could hear it. Do you know when your mind never turns off? Literally never, not even when you wanna sleep. You always have too many thoughts running at the same time… it's tiring." Harvey nods because that's exactly how he lives since he remembers. "I could silence the external noise and concentrate on the inside, but I didn't dare to go too deep. I started paying attention to my thoughts one by one, though it never ceased to be chaos. And I got a little closer to my emotions, I mean… You've seen me shed some tears sometimes, but I always kept myself on boundaries. Even being alone, or with my other partners, or with my friends… I could never show all my emotions to anyone, not even myself."

"You are doing it now." He tells her with a slight smile, she can't help but feel calm knowing that he is the person she is doing it with.

"I know…" she smiles and rests her forehead against his. "I was always in charge of taking care of everyone, first my parents… and I think I then turned it into my personality." She murmurs and separates a little from him. "I always take care of everyone more than I take care of myself." He nods. She always did it with him. "When I was 21 and my parents broke up again." She snorts. "It all started again. They kept calling me to talk. And I know I was no longer a girl, but Harvey… that took me back to that moment. I have heard terrible things from both sides. I mean, maybe they tried to have a filter before…" she rolls her eyes. "No matter how old I am, I'm not interested in knowing about my parents' sex lives, less with so many details!" she purses her complete face and Harvey can't hide a laugh.

"I'm so sorry for that."

"You don't know the relief I felt when they came back…" she sighs. "I'm sorry you have had to meet that man… I don't understand how my mother was with him."

"Hey… He gave us the anecdote about shrimp."

They giggle for a moment. "That separation was longer, and I don't know… I didn't think they would return, but they finally have now put all their shit together."

"Like you and me." He smiles at him, and she nods with another smile.

"I've been thinking too much all day about this, Harvey. I became a person who cares for everything and everyone, rather than herself. Even with you. I repeat to you, I don't regret it, I would do it once and a thousand times. I also know that in your way, you have always taken care of me. But... I know I always take too much care of people, for fear that they will feel just as alone inside as I did back then. I know I have a lot of good things. I like my life... even if I haven't become an actress and ended up in a law firm where everyone loses their mind on a daily basis." They giggle and he strokes her cheek with his thumb. "There I met my second family... And I like my job, the formal work, but also the unofficial work. I enjoy being the person they go to for advice, I really like it..." she pauses and puts her hand on his hand, which is still on her face. "That place kept me attached to you all this time…" they smirk, and she kisses the palm of his hand. "I mean, it's been fine… I don't regret that." Donna separates a little from him, places a cushion on his lap, and lies with her head there, looking at the ceiling. "But… I guess I take too much care of others and not myself. I isolated myself from my emotions to a point that I no longer realized I was isolating myself. And I moved this from being the protector and savior of my relationships, in every aspect of my life." She pauses, thinking for a few seconds. "I don't know, they are hasty conclusions."

"But they make sense, Donna."

"I don't wanna keep hiding how I feel. You told me things I had never realized… I always believed that at least with my couples I had been a little more vulnerable, but-" she exhales. "I guess I was still just the woman who protected them, and as soon as they asked me for something else, I fled." She murmurs and closes her eyes. "I ran away because I always cared about protecting you. I always protected you more than anyone else in my life. And taking care of you was always the closest thing to taking care of myself."

"Hey…" he mutters, his fingers tangling in her hair. "I don't want you to hide either… I want the complete Donna Paulsen package."

She smiles shyly. "I want you to have it, too."

He leans over and gives her a kiss between her eyebrows. "And I wanna take care of you too…" he murmurs sweetly. "You deserve that, and I wanna give it to you."

"You're already giving it to me, Harvey." She hums and he smiles against her forehead. "I know I need to learn some things, like letting people take care of me and healing other things." She murmurs, feeling as his fingers comb the length of her hair. "I have wounds that 20 years later continue to bleed… but that, in turn, made me like I am."

"And you're pretty amazing."

She smirks and closes her eyes. "Everything that happened brought me here and I like my present… but I need to heal things from my past." She sighs. "And I think you know the rest of the story."

"You tried to be an actress and fell in love with your boss? Yep, I know that part." She chuckles. "Thank you for trusting me." He murmurs, leaning over her again.

"Thank you for listening to me." Harvey finishes approaching and kisses her lips, their lips fitting otherwise from the usual. "Seriously… I feel a lump here in my chest… but to say it, it relieved me a little."

Harvey walks away a little and put his free hand on her chest. "Has last night's attack happened to you before?" he asks softly, as she takes his hand between hers and nods. "You know that looked like an anxiety attack, right?"

"Yes, I know. It didn't happen many times, but… I know."

"I know they're scary…"

"I'll get therapy when I feel ready, Harvey. It was too many years of denial and isolation from all this."

He smiles with a little relief. "I'm so proud of you." He tells her and approaches to kiss her on her forehead, as she smiles, raising her hand to caress his cheek. "And excuse me… but this doesn't seem to curl up in bed." She grins and nods.

A while later, they're already in the room. Harvey only wears his underwear, while Donna wears a silk nightdress. As they slid under the blankets, Donna snuggled over him. Her head rests on his chest, her torso stuck to the side of his body, her arm around him, her legs entangled into his. His arms surround her fondly, his fingers dancing through her bare back skin and playing with her hair repeatedly. She keeps her eyes closed, too focused on feeling his heartbeat under her ear, the heat of his body surrounding her, his hands caressing every tear not shed over the years.

Donna feels too exhausted, and no longer has the strength to continue talking. Harvey supports her in silence. He knows very well what it's like to feel exhausting chaos in the mind, so he lets her rest for a while. And that's just what Donna needs right now. Feeling protected, without pressure. She feels for the first time in a long time that she doesn't have or wants to run to any other place. She wants to be there, with him… in him. She no longer wants to feel protected by walls, she wants to feel protected by him.

After over 20 minutes of silence where the only thing that moved was their chests to the rhythm of their breathing and his hands affectionately upon her, his lips are resting on her forehead and Donna cannot avoid some tears falling from her eyes to feel that kiss so sweet of him that floods her with peace. She had once read that a kiss on the forehead is one of the biggest signs that someone is protecting you, that when someone hugs and clasps you, you feel protected, and that person will do anything to protect you… And she had always thought they were pure romantic shit, but that's when she realizes they weren't. It just hadn't been the kiss on the forehead with the right person...

"Hey…" he murmurs. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." She sobs.

"Sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure for the first time." She murmurs. "This is where I wanna be myself."

Harvey smiles against her forehead and kisses her there again. "I love you, pretty."

She smiles. "And I love you, Harvey."

They hug each other tightly for a few seconds and she rises just a little to kiss him sweetly and move. Harvey wraps her around the back, letting her become the small spoon again. Their legs are slightly tangled, his arm encircling her by her waist and his hand going up by her abdomen and chest, where she hooks her hand to his, both with their heads on the same pillow. Donna sticks her body to him as much as she can, and he takes care of wrapping her as much as his body allows.

"Wake me if you need it." He murmurs, smooching her neck.

"I hope I won't need it, but thank you."

"Sh…" he whispers. His kisses travel down her neck to her nape and he settles back on the pillow, attracting her a little more against him. "I got you, always."

"I know." She murmurs with a smile and closes her eyes, letting herself be flooded by the sensation of him protecting her from the world (even from herself), from the heat of his body mixing with the heat of her, from his breathing crashing against her nape… And another tear escapes down her cheek.

She promises herself not to ruin it this time. That's the feeling she'd been looking for all her life, and she shouldn't be surprised to be finding it in Harvey.


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