Raining cats, dogs and mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Stretch...Fatso...Stinky? Man they had cruel parents. Wonder where Doc and Dopey sleep"

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ACT 4 - Meet the gang

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We move to an old abandoned house boat in Bayville harbour, we can hear salsa music drifting from it. Inside, we see Wanda, now a brown dog, sleeping in a corner. Hank, now a bulldog.. a blue bulldog, but a bulldog none the less, is sitting watching TV. Fred, now a great Dane, is asleep with a broken tennis racket in his mouth. In another corner of the boat, Roberto, now a Chihuahua, is dancing to some salsa music on the radio.

"A Chihuahua!", snorts Roberto, "I'm from Brazil, not Mexico!"

"Ye were the closest we had", says Rahne, "besides ye were the one that said Todd Fan ignored ye in her fics, so here's ye big role, now shut up and dance!"

Roberto gives Rahne a GLARE before picking up an old wallet, still dancing, and jumps on Freddy's nose waking him up, before dropping the broken wallet into a little loot box.

"Roberto!", shouts Hank, "Stop that racket! I'm trying to watch this show!"

Roberto rolls his eyes and Hank starts to quote the Shakespearean play that is on the TV

"There would have been time for such a word", he mimes, "Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps, in this petty pace from day to day and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death..."

Roberto jumps in his way, looking at the TV

"Hey, Hankie, man watcha watching?", he asks, "Hey, does he get the girl? I mean, what happens?"

"Shut up, you little rodent", growls Hank, pushing Roberto out of the way.

"I am not a rat!", snaps Roberto, "Hey, man, this stuff is boring, man. Come on, let's watch some boxing. I wanna see some action!"

"I'll give you some action, you little freak!", mutters Hank.

Hank takes another swipe at him and Roberto jumps out of the way, laughing

"Hey, Hankie? Que paso?", Roberto pauses, "I learned Spanish quick, no? You're getting slow, man".

"My name is Henry", says Hank, "Hen-ry. Not Hank. Not Hankie. Henry".

"No kidding, man?", says Roberto, "Hey, so what did you bring in today, Heeen-reeeey?"

"It's none of your business, you intrusive little pipsqueak", growls Hank, "my character isn't exactly friendly, is he?"

Freddy walks over, holding his broken tennis racket proudly in his mouth

"Look what I got", he says proudly.

"Oh, good show, Fredrick", says Hank dryly, "Now all we need is the court and the net"

"...You think this place is big enough?", asks Freddy, looking around.

"...This is what I have to work with?", asks Rahne.

"A deal is a deal", Forge says, pointing at her, "SUCKER!"

"I could so maul ye right now", she growls.

"Hey, come on", says Roberto, "What we need is some good quality stuff, man. Check it out"

He proudly shows off his broken wallet

"Oh, shredded leather", says Hank, rolling his eyes.

"Shredded wha...", Roberto shakes his odd-shaped little head, "What you talkin' about, man? That's a primo wallet!"

"Rubbish, you mean", intones Hank

"Alright, that does it, Hankie, man! You insulted my pride!", screams Roberto, "That means death!"

"Behold the runt of the litter", smirks Hank.

All the shouting wakes Wanda up, who stretches and walks over to them

"Cut it out, you two", she mutters.

Both fall silent as Wanda walks over to the loot box to inspect it, finding it full of junk

"Jason's not gonna be too happy about this", she pauses, "...I can't believe he's our.. ugh Master. So, Henry, you got the food, right?"

"Well, no...I", starts Hank, looking very sheepish

"Hankie, it was your turn to get the food today!", growls Wanda, "I'M HUNGRY DAMNIT!"

"It's newspaper burritos again!", mutters Roberto

"No food?", Freddy whimpers, "We're all gonna die!"

Suddenly, Todd appears, leaning on the doorway

"Hey, whoah whoah,", he says, "cool it, Todd fan's"

There is the manic giggling of a slightly demented authoress in the background.

"Oh, very witty", says Forge dryly, "Ha ha"

I thought it was...

"I'd like to introduce you to.. your dinner", Todd grins,

Be. Our… Guest

Be our guest

"We've already done that parody!", snaps Rahne.

"Hot dogs a la Todd", he says, "sorry, I just felt a bit musical…you can't blame me"

With that, he tosses the sausages at the group, who begin to devour them

"Hot dogs, alright, Todd, man!", grins Roberto.

"You remain our pre-eminent benefactor", says Hank.

As they talk and eat, Jamie climbs up the house boat, trying to find a way in, getting to the roof and looking down on the group

"Yeah, and you're okay too", says Freddy with a nod

"...Do I have to talk to him like this?", asks Wanda

"Yes", smiles Rahne

"Come on, Babycakes, we're a couple here!", grins Todd, "isn't it magical?"

"...I must be being punished for something..", mutters Wanda, "So how'd you do it this time…ugh…Toddy Baby?"

"Ooooh Todd likes, Todd likes!", he grins, "Let me tell ya, Wanda, it was tough. Only I could have done it"

The others listen transfixed by his tale, not noticing Jamie

"Did you have to fight, man? Did you fight?", asks Roberto, bouncing up and down on Freddy's head, "How many were there?"

"Get off me", mutters Freddy

"Picture the city", says Todd, "On the way to the Boarding House. The crowds hustling. The traffic roaring. The hot dogs are sizzling"

"I love a story with food in it", grins Freddy.

"Enter Todd, one bad puppy", says Todd, "Not just out for himself, but community minded. But he's not the only one out there. Enter the opposition"

Wanda sighs and rolls her eyes as Todd's shadow on the wall dramatises the 'monster'

"A greedy, ugly, psychotic monster, with razor sharp claws, dripping fangs and nine lives, all of them hungry"

"I wasn't there, I swear it!", screams Sabertooth, "I was playing chess with Pyro"

"He comes at me, eyes burning", says Todd, "I knew my time had come, suddenly.."

He is cut off by the roof of the house boat caving in under Jamie's weight. Jamie falls to the floor in the middle of them, kittenplying and reabsorbing, getting caught in a piece of cloth and causing the group to scatter

"Gang war! Gang war!", screams Roberto, "Watch out! Here comes a gang war!"

"Take cover!", yelps Hank.

The little Jamie Lump (TM) starts to move in the middle of the floor, the others poke their heads out of their hiding places to see it

"Well, what is it?", asks Wanda

Hank shrugs and Roberto goes over to it, giving it a prod

"Hey, man, check it out", he says.

Suddenly, Jamie's paw comes out and grabs Roberto on the nose. Roberto freaks out, running to hide

"Aye, it's a alien!", he screams.

"No. Self is right here", says Warlock.

"Get back to the Chronicles, you!", says Forge.

Jamie pokes his head out from the cloth as the gang surround him

"Cool it guys, it's just a cat", growls Wanda.

"Mi madre, un gato!", says Roberto

"Feles domesticus!", says Hank

"Cute as a button", adds Jamie.

"How'd you find this place, cat?", asks Wanda

Jamie cowers as they all move around him, cornering him

"I...i.e. followed this dog", says Jamie.

"He's lying! He's lying! He's lying! He's lying!", shouts Roberto.

"Shut up, Roberto!", snaps Wanda, hexing him to the back.

"Hey! Just 'cause I'm little now", Roberto narrows his eyes, "...if it wasn't night time..."

"Why would a cat follow a dog?", asks Hank.

"Yeah?", says Freddy.

"I..i just wanted some of the sausage I helped him get"

Roberto reappears with a knife and fork

"He's a spy, man!. Come on, lets eat him", he snarls, "You're dead meat, kitty"

"…..Have you been drinking again, Robbie?", asks Rahne.

"I..i saw him come down", Jamie pauses, "Hey! That's him, over there!"

He points to where Todd is lounging on a chair, watching the TV

"Oh..hey, kitty", he says, "What took you so long?"

"Relax, kid", says Wanda, giving him a wink as the others go laughing up to Todd.

"Todd, razor-sharp claws?", asks Roberto

"Dripping fangs?", chuckles Hank

"I kind of like those burning eyes", smirks Wanda

"Hey, keep it down, guys", says Todd, "The game's on"

"What happened to my Shakespeare!", cries Hank.

Roberto laughs like a maniac jumping on Todd's head then onto the floor, turning off the TV with his foot

"Oh boy, Todd. Top dog has to get help from a cat", he giggles

"Hey, Roberto, cool it, man", warns Todd

"Come on, lets see this big, bad kitty fight in action!", laughs Roberto manically.

"I think he has been drinking", blinks Rahne

"Hey, Roberto, look!", says Todd.

As Roberto turns his head, Todd jumps on him, they collide with Beast)

"Oh, boy! Dog pile!", laughs Freddy

He dives into the fray and Wanda rolls her eyes as they start to fight

"Oh, what a bunch of overgrown..."

Roberto goes flying into her head

"Alright, that's it!"., she snarls.

She joins the fray and Jamie jumps into the loot box for safety. Jason walks through the door carrying a box of dog biscuits

"...I so need a better job", he mutters, "All right, knock it off! Enough!...What is the matter with you guys?"

They stop fighting to stare at Jason, or rather the box of dog biscuits

"Don't you understand?", yammers on Jason, "Summers will be here any minute and I don't have...".

He glances as the 'dogs' charge at him

"No, no, no, no!"

"Do we have to do this?", grimaces Todd

"Yes, he is ye master, MASTERmind, geddit, heh heh", Rahne giggles, "och I kill me"

"I'll kill you instead if you like!", growls Todd

The dogs reluctantly jump all over Jason, licking him in general doggie affection, devouring the dog biscuits at the same time

"All right, all right, settle down", he says, "ugh…dog drool. Gross"

We hear a car horn honk and Jason sits up

"Summers!"

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Mwhoahahahahhahahahahahha. Oh that felt good. Onwards!