Raining cats, dogs and mutants
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"
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ACT 9 - Kitty cuisine
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In the Xavier kitchen, Jamie is under a chair, a glob of ice-cream landing on his nose
"Eww..gross", grimaces Jamie
"Wait 'till you taste this", smiles Kitty, stirring a big bowl of…something.
"...Did you cook it?", asks Jamie warily.
"Yes", smiles Kitty
"I'm going to die...", whimpers Jamie
"It's a secret recipe I just invented", says Kitty
"I should go out and buy a tombstone", sighs Jamie.
Warren pauses as he passes the kitchen, seeing Kitty in the middle of a huge mess, pots, pans and food everywhere
"She's...cooking", Warren blinks, "...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
"IN character, please", says Forge, "I know Kitty's cooking in a terrifying concept, but lets focus"
"….Heeeey", says Kitty.
"What on Earth?", Warren says, "...Kitty!..Don't you think a tin of kitty chow would have sufficed?"
"If it keeps me from eating her cooking", says Jamie, "I'll eat tar".
Kitty, meanwhile, is pouring cereal into her...gloop
"Nonsense", says Kitty, "He'll love this"
"No he won't", says Jamie.
"Now, young lady", says Warren, "I really think we should have waited until your parents..."
There is a crunch and Warren looks under his foot to see he's trodden on an egg
"COOKIE!", shouts Warren, then coughs, "...oh, wrong story".(1)
He hears the phone ring and gives a frustrated sigh, leaving to answer it
"Alright, alright. I'm coming!"
Kitty meanwhile has put her goop in Amara's bowl and is topping it off with spray-can cream
"And for ze kitty, the house speciality", she says, "Oeufs a la Kitty avec Cocoa Krispies".
She puts the bowl down in front of Jamie, who whimpers
"Kitty, it's your parents!", shouts Warren
"Yeah!", says Kitty, getting up to speak to them, "Wait 'till I tell 'em!"
"Talk about saved by the bell", says Jamie with a sigh of relief.
Meanwhile, in the hall Amara passes Warren on the way to the kitchen, Warren is hamming it up for Kitty's parents
"Oh, yes, sir. I do assure you everything is absolutely hunkey...", he pauses, putting his hand over the phone to speak to Amara, "Amara, I wouldn't go in there if I were you"
"I'm a princess, I go where I like", says Amara snobbily.
She walks into the kitchen passing Kitty on the way, who heads for the phone
"Here she is now", says Warren.
As soon as she gets into the kitchen, Amara gasps to see...
"...Jamie, you're supposed to be EATING the food", says Forge
"No thank you", says Jamie, "I choose life".
"A cat! What is the meaning of this?", snaps Amara, "Bark. Bark. Warren! Bark, bark, bark!"
Warren doesn't come. Amara mutters about hired help and turns towards Jamie again
"I guess I'll have to handle this myself", she mutters, then gives Jamie a pleasant smile, "Hello"
"Hello", says Jamie
Hello, what a wonderful word, hello, sings Rahne. (2)
"Wrong movie", says Forge.
"I hope you won't think me rude", says Amara, "but do you happen to know out of who's bowl you're eating?"
"...I'm not eating", says Jamie
"Pretend you are!", snaps Rahne
"...Yours?", tries Jamie
"Oooooo aren't you a clever kitty?", grins Amara
"Don't patronise me", says Jamie with a frown.
"And do you have any idea whose HOME this is?", she asks.
"Xavier's actually", says Jamie, "but in the movie...I thought it was Kitty's?"
He backs away from the bowl..Amara starting to scare him just a little with her false smile
"Well, it may be Kitty's house, but everything from the doorknobs down", Amara gives a snarl, "IS MINE!"
Jamie falls back, kittenplying. but Kitty suddenly shows up before Amara can maul him
"Oh, Amara, I see you've met Jamie", she says, "Isn't he cute? I've got great news. Mom and dad just said I could keep him! I'm sure you two are gonna be the best of friends"
Amara gives and evil chuckle. We fade out to the town, where the gang are gathered outside a pawn shop as Todd and Roberto return
"Where's the kid?", asks Wanda
"We tailed him all the way up the park", sighs Todd, "We never had a chance"
"You should see this place", says Roberto, "There's gotta be, maybe 200 people living there"
"Hardly!", snorts Xavier from backstage
"Guys, we can't let the kid take the heat for us", says Wanda
"Yeah, man", nods Roberto, "If we don't get him, they're gonna torture that kid".
"Then what in heaven's name are we waiting for?", asks Hank
"..But what about Jason?", frowns Freddy
They look through the window where Jason is desperately trying to sell a broken pocket watch to Duncan, who is less than impressed
"Alas", says Hank, "our beleaguered benefactor bearing the brunt of our futile endeavours"
"Gimmie a break!", snaps Roberto, "Speak English, Hankie!"
Beast turns and GROWLS at Roberto
"Henry, Henry, HENRY!"
Todd quickly gets between them before Hank can kill Roberto
"All right, cool it!", he snaps.
When he's not looking, Roberto blows a raspberry at Beast, then acts innocently
"Now we got work to do!", says Todd, "First, we'll spring the kid. Then we'll take care of the old man"
"I am NOT that old!", shouts Jason
"All right?", asks Todd.
"Yeah, that's right man", nods Roberto, "He's family. He's blood"
"Hear hear", nods Hank
"Okay, troops", says Todd, "Our mission begins at daybreak"
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(1) – See Teacher Training. SHAMELESS PLUG!
(2) – From 'Crazy People', a film I'd love to parody one day.
Yeah haaa, click on!
