Raining cats, dogs and mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have to re-learn my Native language"

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ACT 11 - Kittennapping

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We open backstage, where the characters are watching Todd Fan run around screaming 'Sexy Ultimate Forge is back!' in a very loud voice

"Seems Ultimate You is back", says Sam, blinking at Forge, "and a'h exist in the Ultimate world too now, and a wimp"

"Yeah, but why is Ultimate Me so evil?", sighs Forge, "why are most alternate versions of Me evil?" (1)

"Ye have that way about ye", nods Rahne, "you're a genius, it's a natural inclination tae be a bit evil"

"….Thanks for the support", says Forge dryly, wincing as he watched Todd Fan hugs issue 62 tightly, "….I wish I could have a few more sane rabid fan girls"

"Be thankful with the small few ye have", says Rahne, "right, back tae business!"

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We move to morning, where a school bus is waiting outside of the mansion. Kitty runs out of the door, getting in

"Goodbye, Warren, goodbye Jamie", she calls.

As the bus drives off, Todd and the dog gang clamber out of the bushes next to the house

"All right, listen up", he says, "We checked it out. All we gotta do is..."

He trails off, seeing Warren by the door, hammering something, hard!

"Oh, man", whimpers Roberto, "He's dead meat now!"

"I'll handle that ruffian!", growls Hank.

Inside the kitchen, we see that Warren is actually watching wrestling, and is pounding his own hand with a rolling pin

"Body slam! Body slam!", he shouts, "Oh, come on, you fool. Hit him! HIT HIM!"

"Wow...we've discovered the Angel had a violent side", Forge blinks, "...we are through the looking glass, people"

Warren pauses as the doorbell rings, putting the rolling pin down, straightening out his feathers, and walking primly to the door. Outside, Freddy is continuously pressing the doorbell with his nose

"Freddy, get outta there!", shouts Todd, "...twit"

Freddy blinks before bouncing into the bushes. Beast is lying on the doorstep as Warren comes out, looking forlorn and beaten up. As Warren stoops down to see what it is, Beast gives him another lick, grabs his apron and starts to drag him along down the street

"Help!", screams Warren, "I'm being MAULED!"

As Warren is 'mauled' the rest of the gang run into the mansion through the open door, slamming it behind them. Warren turns around at the sound, only to have Beast run past him, the door opening for him and slamming shut again

"Mauled and locked out of my house in the space of a few minutes", Warren gives a small sob, "...my horoscope said it would be a bad day"

Inside, the dog gang are traipsing around the mansion, smearing muddy paw prints everywhere…Xavier gives a small twitch from backstage.

"Mira lo, this place!", says Roberto, "Check it out!"

Beast grins at some works of art on the wall

"Chagall. Matisse", he says, "These are all masterpieces!"

"This place looks pretty nice", says Wanda, "I mean, how bad off could it be here?"

Roberto has helped himself to a cigar, one of Alex's fruit flavoured ones, of course, and is setting down on the couch, surrounded by cushions

"Hey, man, if this is torture, chain me to the wall", he grins.

"Okay!", say the rabid fan girls.

"Who let them in?", asks Forge, ushering them out before they could do major damage.

"Roberto!", snaps Todd.

They all look up as they hear Warren rattling the door, trying to get back in

"We're here for the kid, remember?", says Todd, "Now, lets get him and go"

They start to head up the stairs. Inside her own room, Amara is talking to her mirror, in a Kitty-like voice

"'I love you, Jamie. Play with him, Amara'", she mimics, pulling it off quite well before snarling, "I'd like to play with him all right! The little furball!"

She pumps a ton of her perfume in anger, gasping in shock as Todd's reflection appears beside hers in the mirror

"Who are you? What do you want?", she whimpers, "WARREN!. Bark, bark, bark!"

As she freaks out, her mirror falls over, her lying on it

"Seven years bad luck, ye know", says Rahne helpfully.

Outside, Warren is trying to scramble through a window, stopping half-way

"Warren.. you're supposed to climb through the window now...", says Forge, looking at his script.

"Itty, bitty, tiny, little, baby problem", says Warren with a nervous laugh.

"What now?", sighs Forge

"...My wings are stuck", says Warren with a whimper.

Forge mutters under his breath, walks over to Warren, twists his wings and forcibly PUSHES him through the window

"Oww...I'll get you for that one!", growls Warren.

Back in her room, Amara is still freaking out

"Don't come any closer!", she gives a dramatised gasp, "I knew this would happen one day".

"You're barking up the wrong tree", says Todd, "It's not you I'm after"

"It's not?...It's not!", Amanda narrows her eyes, "Well, why not!"

"...Now you want to be attacked?", blinks Todd.

"What's the problem, Spot?", growls Amara, "Not good enough for you?"

"...I have a spot?", asks Todd, craning his neck to see.

"I mean, do you even know who I am? Fifty-six blue ribbons", says Amara haughtily, "Fourteen regional trophies. SIX-TIME NATIONAL CHAMPION!"

Despite being yelled at, Todd merely chuckles

"Oooooh and we're all very impressed", he smirks, "Right, guys?"

The rest of the dog pack walk in, Roberto grinning and wiggling his eyebrows at her

"Very impressed", he grins and kisses her on the...err paw, "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Roberto DaCosta, I'm very ri..."

"Get away from me, you little bug-eyed creep!", hisses Amara, "Warren!"

Roberto falls to the ground with a happy sigh

"Harumph!", says Rahne

"Huh?", says Forge, blinking at her.

"Harumph, I say", says Rahne, "HARUMPH!"

"...I really don't care, but why?", sighs Forge.

"Well, it seems someone cannae decide who he's flirting with next!", grumps Rahne, "Just sweeps ye away with that foreign charm of his, well, harumph, I say and harumph I will always say!"

"...But I'm only acting...", Roberto blinks.

"No, no, nooooo! Ye go off an' flirt with the princess!", says Rahne, "I'll go roll in a cornfield with Sam, HAH!"

"I don't want him, he smells funny!", sniffs Amara, "Go and roll with the farm boy, see if I care!"

"...Please don't drag me into this.. a'h don't want to 'roll' with anyone", says Sam, "ah'm not that kind of guy..."

"Man...I feel like Jerry Springer", sighs Forge, "Okay, can we all sort out our relationship issues after the act? We're running out of time and I don't want to listen to you".

Wanda looks at the picture of Paul, grinning, signed, Paul..depsite him being a dog and unable to sign his own name)

"Excuse me, uh, sister", she says, "Who's Paul?"

"None of your business!", snaps Amara, putting the picture down, then runs after Beast, who is devouring her chocolates on her bed, "And you, Tubby, off the bed!"

"This is the second time in this parody I've been called fat", sniffs Hank, "I'm not, really! It's all fur!"

Freddy pushes over a can of talcum powder, spreading it across the room

"Get away from there you...All right, that does it!", she snaps, "You yo-yos clear out and I mean NOW! Warr-en! Bark, bark!"

"Yo-yos?", asks Wanda, "where are we, the eighties?"

"Relax, champ", smirks Todd, "We'll leave as soon as we get our cat"

"If you think I'm intimidated by a bunch of flea-bitten, dog-pound rejects...your cat?", Amara suddenly smiles sweetly, "How stupid of me. You must be the friends he keeps talking about, yes"

"Amara?..Something's not quite right here", calls Warren from downstairs, "..it smells funny"

"I do not smell funny!", shouts Roberto.

Warren looks into Amara's room, Todd is posing as a plant stand, Wanda as part of the dog bed, Freddy's back legs and tail are sticking out of a blanket, as are Beast's and Amara's front half, who smiles at him. Warren blinks and leaves the room, not noticing the fact that Amara now has five legs, three of which are a different colour to her. We see that Roberto is hung to the coat hanger on the back of the door by his bandanna.

"Shhh. Quick", says Amara, "Before he comes back, follow me"

Everyone follows her to Kitty's room, where Jamie is a cute ball of fur asleep on the bed

"Awwwww. Look at him, Todd", Wanda grimaces, "...Ugh, Honey, let's just forget the whole thing"

"Oh no!", says Amara quickly, "You can't do that! You don't understand. The poor dear's so traumatized"

"Amara?", calls Warren again.

Amara suddenly grabs Jamie and tosses him into a back

"Meep", squeaks Jamie.

"What's going on here?", shouts Warren.

"Now get going. Hurry", says Amara, "Use the fire escape"

She pushes open the window and the dogs, carrying the Jamie-bag, file out. Roberto pauses on the fire-escape, grinning at her

"There's no time for long goodbyes, but here's something to remember me by. Baby".

We go down to the alley where we hear a kissing sound, followed by a SLAP. Roberto falls down the fire-escape, hitting a few steps along the way before falling at Todd's feet, grinning

"Oooooh I think she likes me, man", he giggles.

Ooooh I could have danced all night

I could have danced all night...

He teeters after the others, still more than slightly concussed

"Good!", snaps Rahne

"Cut, cut now, before they all kill each other", Forge shakes his head, "...seesh, I knew wolves were territorial but.."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr", growls Rahne, turning into a wolf.

"Help", whimpers Roberto.

"….I'm going to get drunk", says Sam with a sigh.

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(1) – Yes, they are. There are very few 'good' Forges….very, very few. He can be evil very easily, it seems. One a side note ULTIMATE FORGE IS BACK!. You can tell this excites me, no?

Oh what a mad chapter, this is why I shouldn't edit things while on a 'I Found Forge' high. Do review. Until next time…