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Ch.56- "Noughts"
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When there were no distractions, nothing for Erwin to consider beyond the Walls of his office, it was amazing how quickly he could get work done. His wrist and eyes still burned from the strain of writing and reading thousands of tiny words. Blisters had formed on his fingers from how hard he gripped his pen, watery pus running down and staining the paper for a few seconds before it began evaporating. As long as he didn't interrupt his work by going down to the mess hall when his other soldiers were eating, hunger remained a distant memory.
He assumed that had something to do with his newfound Titan blood- he remembered always being hungry, especially when he was tired. If being a Titan meant he no longer had to eat to survive, he welcomed it. If only he could rid himself of the need for all those other inconveniences of being human- if only he could tear out everything and be left with an unfeeling, unthinking machine that fought and worked… Alas, the best he could do now was to work, to set small goals and focus on accomplishing them, nothing more. Finally having transcribed all the journals, he sent them to the Premier with Levi, reading through the documents that had been found on Reiner's body with Hange.
They were letters to Queen Historia, written by the girl known as Ymir who had fled the Walls with Reiner and Bertholdt. The exact nature of their relationship was unknown, but judging by the clear affection those papers contained, it seemed at least Ymir had romantic inclinations. It also seemed that "Ymir" wasn't truly her name, at least not the name she had been given at birth. An orphan living on the streets of Marley, decades before Grisha had even been born if the descriptions she gave were to be believed, abducted by a conman who claimed she was Ymir reborn to a sect of Eldian religious fanatics. "Lady Ymir" they called her, and the horror and pain writ across Hange's face as they read that would have stabbed at some soft spot in Erwin's insides if he'd allowed it to.
"Even as a Titan," the section commander whispered to their knees, "it- they remembered her. Just like Connie's mother remembered him… Sixty years, Erwin… If I could've just captured them, if stupid Levi and his squad hadn't been so rash, Ymir might have recognized them, told us who they were- who they used to be."
"More likely she wouldn't have said anything- possibly would've killed her former devotee herself- given that she kept quiet and took her secrets back to the people who did this to her in the first place."
"…you're right. But that's what I don't get. Marley turned her into a Titan, and when she got the power to fight back… she put that power right back into their hands. You know they're going to feed her to someone else- she knows it… The way she writes, it seems like she really does love Historia, so why would she choose to die rather than stay with her?"
…even if I say I'll die without you…?
"Love doesn't change the kind of person you fundamentally are, Hange. Loving someone isn't a magic spell that stops you from putting something or someone else before them." Hange raised their head from where it rested on their knees, frowning slightly as they looked over at him.
"Are you alright, Erwin? You've been kind of… withdrawn these last few days."
"I'm fine, Hange. Just busy. We still have plenty of work to do."
"You haven't left base in almost a week- isn't Thomasin getting lonely?"
I don't want to remember that you exist…
"Actually, we decided that it would be for the best for now if she returned to Calaneth."
"Wha-!?"
"She never wanted to live near Trost, and given that we're going to have to start running experiments on the Colossal soon, I won't have much free time to visit her anyway, so it's best that she go back home where she's comfortable." Erwin was almost surprised by how easily the lies flowed from his lips. Not because lying had ever been difficult, quite the contrary, but because he'd never been able to lie effectively about Thomasin. Hange was the only one left now who remembered how easily everyone saw through his facade back then when the world was brighter and he didn't wake up wishing he hadn't. He assumed they would immediately call him out on his bullshit, but while their face fell, it clearly wasn't because they'd seen through his half truths.
"Aww, we were supposed to have a baby shower for you two… I mean, we can still have one in Calaneth, but it would have been easier if she were still by Trost." Sighing, Hange lowered their legs back to the floor, leaning back against the couch. "I haven't even thought about what to buy."
"Please don't buy anything, Hange- you don't need to concern yourself with this." Erwin couldn't tell them that there wasn't going to be a baby shower because there probably wouldn't be a baby because that would just raise even more questions, questions he didn't think even he could convincingly bullshit his way out of.
Besides, Hange had been so excited, even more so than he had been (why had he lied to himself and said this was something he actually wanted? Why had he lied to himself and believed he wanted anything but closure before he died?). That same excitement was still shining in their eye, albeit more subdued than it had been not two months prior.
"No, I want to get you two something! We can have a party- well, as much of a party as you can call four people and no alcohol… It'll be a nice change of pace to think about something happy for a change. To think about something other than death for a little while…" Erwin turned his attention back to the letters. It would be better to tell them the truth now, rip that scab off quickly and give it time to start healing rather than wait and rip open an even larger wound, but…
"She's not even four months along yet; you have plenty of time to think of a gift."
~o0o~
The dungeons beneath the Chancellery were just as dark and damp as Erwin remembered, though the uppermost levels were not so cold and dank that condensation collected in stagnant pools between the stones. It was almost funny that he, an innocent man framed for crimes he'd never even considered, had been treated more cruelly than a man-eating monster being punished for insubordination on the battlefield. Being personal friends with the queen herself certainly had its perks, he noted as he reached Eren's cell. Not just a bed, but a desk and chair as well, which the boy was currently seated at, writing something. He glanced up, his mild curiosity hardening into bald disdain as soon as his eyes alighted upon Erwin.
"I still have another week in my sentence."
"You do." The commander put his hand through the bars, offering an envelope packed with papers. Eren frowned, turning in his seat to face the older man, but did not rise.
"What's this?"
"Your father's journals. The originals are currently in Premier Zachary's possession. We've already explained everything to the rest of the recruits, so you need to get caught up. These are my personally transcribed notes, so take care not to damage them."
"And what if I just tore them up and tossed them in my chamber pot?" Sighing, Erwin leaned against the bars.
"For someone who so desperately wants to see the world beyond the Walls, you certainly seem hellbent on never seeing the light of day again. Don't be petulant, Eren- read this and return it to the guard when you're done." Poisonous green eyes held his gaze a moment longer, but the boy stood, gathering the papers on his own desk and tapping them against the wood to neaten the edges. He took the envelope, offering up his own sheaf of what appeared to be notes in his own handwriting.
"I've been having… flashes. Dreams, memories- whatever you want to call it- from the former inheritors of the Attack Titan."
" 'Attack Titan'?" It was curious that he already knew what it was called beyond Paradis. Eren nodded, seemingly lost in his own mind.
"That's what he said it's called, the Owl…" Erwin vaguely recalled seeing that moniker mentioned several times in Grisha's writing.
"Right, the man who saved your father."
"Used him," the boy corrected, his gaze going unfocused as he looked at something beyond the bars he stared at. "Tortured him, killed his friends and wife… and then he named his son after him. Maybe he wanted me to be vicious like that, too… no wonder Zeke thought he abused me…"
"Zeke thought…?" Even if he inherited enough of his father's memories to know his half brother's name, that didn't explain why he was speaking as though he knew the boy. Blinking hard, Eren's eyes came back into focus, and he nodded towards the papers Erwin now held.
"It's all in there." He tilted his head slightly. "Have you gotten any of Bertholdt's memories, yet?"
"No."
"Maybe you should try getting some more sleep, Commander." The boy began walking back towards his cot. "That's all I can do in here, and it seems to be working wonders. I'm three generations of Shifters deep at this point; I've even gotten a few more from Frieda Reiss. Maybe if I sleep for a few more years, I'll be able to remember all the way back to the first Attack Titan…"
"Sleeping that much will make you sick," Erwin warned by way of a farewell, folding the papers and tucking them into his pocket as he turned to leave. He'd just passed the cell when Eren's voice called out, just as dully nonchalant as before.
"How's your wife doing, Commander?" He paused, his heart lurching rather painfully. "You didn't think I'd forgotten that you're married, did you? We met in the base in Wall Rose, and she helped Hange run tests on me… she seemed nice." Eren's voice sounded much closer, suddenly- he'd gotten back up, pressed his face against the bars to better see the commander. "Does she know you're a monster, yet? She knows it's your job to get children killed, but does she know you eat them, now?" Erwin rolled his eyes skyward, shaking his head slightly as he continued towards the stairs.
"Perhaps you should get some more sleep, Eren- Hange will be running a battery of tests the moment you're released."
"You'll have to tell her eventually; you only have fifteen more years at most to live. It's fifteen more than you should've gotten…" Something solid hit the bars, and an exasperated voice, probably belonging to the MP guarding the cell, echoed across the cells.
"That's enough outta you, Yaeger- get away from the bars."
As he ascended the stairs, Erwin kept the incessant buzz of his thoughts at bay by focusing on his next task. Thomasin didn't know what he was, and she wouldn't care when she found out. He was nothing to her now but a footnote. Fifteen years, fifty, five… What did he care where the thread of his mortality ended? It could end right now, for all it mattered to him. Levi spoke of finding a new dream, but there was nothing- no future to look forward to, no one waiting for him. There was the next mission, and nothing else.
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A long time ago, back when he had been a child, Erwin remembered hearing about the king riding his carriage through the streets to celebrate his coronation. He didn't visit all the districts, of course- he was far too important to waste his time on such trivial matters- but just knowing he was making the journey from Mitras to Shiganshina and back caused a wave of excitement to ripple out across the Walls. Maybe the festivals just seemed more lively back then because he had been young and everything seemed amazing and wonderful to a child.
He remembered his father spending the day teaching them about the genealogy of the royal family. The queen coming down to Trost wasn't treated as nearly as grand of an occasion, probably because it had happened with little warning or time for the masses to prepare. They had certainly all gathered around the open carriage, gazing up upon their young monarch with awe, and she had spent quite a bit of time handing out food from the royal kitchens to the adults, and candies from her dress greens' deep pockets to the children.
"She's going to bankrupt the treasury buying treats for all these kids," Hange mused, a smile on their face as they watched the former recruit be escorted into the base amidst a group of armed MPs.
"Oh no," Levi drawled, his voice thick with sarcasm, "she might run out of their money."
"You should go down and see her, Levi. I'm certain she misses her old lieutenant." Erwin had long since grown bored with the commotion in the streets below, and returned to his desk.
He was in the middle of filling out the transfer of ownership deeds for two dozen horses; they would need more in the future, but given their limited numbers, they would need to train them in rotations, so it was best not to fill their stables too much. At least a dozen of them would need to be ready to head into the field by the end of the month; the experiments could only be put off for so long. Levi scoffed, walking over to the sofa and throwing himself down onto the closest cushion.
"She's here for the brats, not me." Regardless of who she was there for, it certainly sent a message to the masses seeing their ruler in a pristine military uniform, heading into the base of the formerly most despised branch to visit her friends, whom she had served with. Vaguely, Erwin wondered if that MP who had questioned him about his father was still alive. He probably didn't remember the little boy whose life he ruined- he'd probably ruined hundreds of little boys' lives in service of the royal family… but it would be so funny if he knew how integral he had been to this new way of life where the ruling family offered salutes to lowly soldiers. As the remaining leadership of the Survey Corps bowed, the practiced stoicism that had settled on Historia's face shattered to reveal the deep seated discomfort just beneath.
"Please don't bow- when you all do it, it's even worse than when Sasha does it…" Levi was the first to straighten, as if he couldn't do it fast enough.
"What- you haven't gotten used to soldiers bowing to you yet?"
"That's different- they didn't used to give me orders."
"You'd think that would make it even more satisfying to see us scraping before you." Hange dug their elbow into the shorter man's shoulder.
"Just because you would go mad with power doesn't mean everyone would. I, for one, am grateful we have such a humble queen-"
"Stop kissing ass, Hange- you aren't her type- hmmm… actually, on second thought…" Erwin ignored the squabbling of his officers even as Historia smiled at their antics, stepping around his desk to hand her the metal tin that once more housed the letters addressed to her. She looked up at him curiously.
"These were taken from Reiner Braun. Your…" he settled on the safest bet, "friend, Ymir, wrote them and entrusted them to him, assuming they would be delivered to you." He supposed the Marleyans were planning on sparing her while they massacred the rest of the population of Paradis- access to another royal bloodline meant more control over Mindless Titans, undoubtedly. None of that seemed to cross Historia's mind as she all but snatched the case from him, opening it and pulling out the papers therein.
She sat hard in the closest available seat, running her fingers reverently over the words as though she were touching the hand that had written them, and Erwin had to look away before the buzzing in his mind grew unbearable. How many times had he- no, no! He had to beat it back. His head was spinning- he'd barely gotten any sleep, spending most of the night into the morning reorganizing his notes and adding in the information Eren had given them where necessary. He still hadn't told Levi who exactly he had failed to kill, figuring he could save that displeasure until the queen left.
"Is this all that there was?" The girl's quiet voice was like a scream in his sleep deprived ears, but Erwin ensured his expression was as collected as ever as he faced her.
"I'm afraid so. I know this may seem a horribly inappropriate thing to ask, but was there perhaps a message that only you might understand? Coded language? A phrase that had a special meaning between the two of you? I ask only because any information, no matter how small, would benefit us greatly." Historia turned her attention back to the letters, melancholy settling over her delicate features.
"If there is, I couldn't find it… but, I doubt Ymir would bother with something like that. She was too blunt for secret messages." A mournful smile tugged at her lips even as they quivered. "She was always such a stubborn idiot…" Sighing, she folded the letters and placed them back in the tin, tucking it into her pocket and standing. "Thank you for delivering these to me, Commander. I know technically these are 'important documents' containing 'precious information about the outside world' that should probably be entered into an archive-"
"There's no information in them that we don't already have on record or haven't concluded ourselves. The only thing those letters offer is proof of a hypothesis, and I hardly need more paperwork crowding my cabinets just for that." Levi leaned back onto the cushion, staring down his nose at the girl.
"I mean, hell- if someone tries to take your shit, just punch them. They'll be so busy laughing at how soft your fists are that they'll forget what they were supposed to be confiscating in the first place."
"The queen can not go around assaulting her citizens, Lieutenant, but I'm willing to make an exception for you." With a cheeky grin, Historia put up her fists in a defensive form so poor it was difficult to tell if Hange's sniggering came from it or from Levi's incredulous disgust at the sight of it.
"How fucking dare you?" He immediately stood, crossing the distance of the room to walk over to her, and at once the queen shrank back despite having an armed guard by the door. She was actually small enough that Levi stood over her, grabbing her wrists and adjusting them to different heights, twisting her fists and shifting her weight until her stance was acceptable. "I am ashamed to think that this level of incompetence was once a part of my squad. I thought you were supposed to learn how to fight other people, too, in the Training Corps. What the fuck was Shadis teaching you; how to beat off against a wall?" Historia laughed softly, lowering her fists with a wistful smile dimmed a bit by the melancholy in her eyes.
"I missed this… I know I should be grateful, living in the lap of luxury while there are still people starving. I know if I were still a Scout, I'd have been one of the first to die, but… I still miss this…"
"Well, you know," Hange began with a smile, "you could always visit more often. Give some inspiring words to new recruits, help out with tests and experiments… maybe bring some of that royal funding with you…?"
"I would leap at the opportunity to run tests on Titans if it meant someone else could take on my finance studies for a few days." The section commander beamed.
"You heard her, Erwin! You take on a few more administrative duties, and we'll have another soldier on our hands!" Erwin fixed Hange with a disapproving look before focusing it on Historia.
"I didn't put you on the throne for you to come back to the Survey Corps. Miss your friends, lament your burdens, but remember that this is the smallest price you can possibly pay for the power you now have to do good." To his surprise, but ultimate relief, she nodded solemnly.
"You're right, Commander. I wish there were someone like you on the council, someone who understands that what needs to be done must be done for the greater good, regardless of how unpopular it might make us, rather than constantly tip toeing around issues in an attempt to placate the nobility, especially when they won't be happy with any decisions…" she added muttering under her breath.
"Being a leader is never easy. Heavy is the brow that wears the crown…"
"Throat that wears the bolo tie," she corrected, lightly touching the piece of obsidian at her own throat and sighing. "I never thought being an adult would be so… tedious." She reached out, her fingers brushing against his hand. "You have my deepe-"
His misgivings corroded a bit more. Warchief Zeke always told them 'you have to have fun where you can find it', and that probably meant during operations, too. He hadn't lost sight of the mission, and… and hopefully Reiner wouldn't either, even if the way he smiled at Krista was a bit-
"Oh!" She grabbed the cuff of his sleeve to stop him. "You have a stain on your cheek, Bertholdt." Instinctively, he reached up, trying to thumb away whatever smudge she had seen, earning a soft giggle.
He could maybe see why people fawned over her, in a purely technical sense, the same way he could technically see that a Remington jammed less often than a Sharpe- that didn't change his opinion on them. Something that soft and delicate was more tedious than it was worth. And it didn't change the exasperation he felt as Reiner scowled at him, as though he'd asked Krista to pull out a handkerchief and wet it with her nasty, island-devil spit- ugh, he knew they were trapped in the dark ages, but did they really have no concept of germs? He intercepted her hand before she could smear her drool all over him under the guise of "cleaning".
"It's okay, Kris-"
"-ta, I can get it myself." Erwin blinked and the training grounds were gone, replaced with furniture far too lavish to belong in the mess hall, even though the smell of stew and sour milk and stale bread was still in his nose. Three pairs of eyes stared at him, Hange's mouth hanging open as though their voice had been stolen mid-scream. Levi just looked confused, while Kris- Historia's face went white, something far too close to horror creeping into her eyes.
"Y- you called me 'Krista'…"
"I-" He couldn't even begin to think before his officers rushed over, Hange nearly mowing him down.
"You just experienced one of Bertholdt's memories, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!? What was it?! What did you see?!"
"It-" His attempt to answer was cut short by the queen yelping in panic as Levi wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground and paying no mind to the MP quickly reaching for his gun. He all but thrust the young queen at Erwin.
"Touch his face! Maybe that'll channel your weird blood magic into his brain and unlock more!"
"I don't think that's gonna work!" She squirmed in protest, but Levi's grip remained firm.
"Why not? Didn't you touch Eren- isn't that how he started unlocking his Titan's previous memories?"
"I touched his back, not his face!" The lieutenant dropped her unceremoniously, jabbing a finger into Erwin's chest.
"You heard her; strip."
"No!" He put his foot down. "I'm not taking my shirt off in front of a child. You are grossly overreacting. It was nothing- it was barely a memory, more of a feeling."
"A feeling of…?" Hange gestured at him to continue, but Erwin cast his gaze away.
It wasn't that he didn't know what he was feeling- it was that he couldn't tell whose feelings were whose. Nostalgia, revulsion, annoyance and a reluctant fondness… He couldn't possibly hope to explain the sensation of having his emotions mixed with someone elses' and the resulting brew being poured back into his brain, especially when his head was still spinning.
"The same feeling you get when you view your youth through someone elses' eyes, I suppose. I was- Bertholdt was walking out of the mess hall in the Training Corps with Reiner and Kri-" All these names were too much for his exhausted mind to keep track of, so he merely gestured to the queen. The fear had left her eyes, but her brows were still crinkled in evident unease.
"Ymir and I… we used to sit with Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie at meals, sometimes… I guess the outcasts all felt drawn to each other… Reiner and Ymir got along better than either of them wanted to admit, heh… all that time… all that time when we talked and laughed and trained together, they were planning on killing us…" Her lip trembled lightly, but no tears fell as she looked up at Erwin. "You said it was a feeling, right? Bertholdt's feelings? It was hate, wasn't it? He said he thought of us as his friends, but you moved like you were trying to slap my hand away, and I- I remember him doing that when I tried to wipe a stain off his face a few months ago…"
Island devil…
"It wasn't hate," he quickly assured the girl, not entirely sure if he was lying or not. "It was… revulsion, but only because you licked the handkerchief you then tried to touch him with." Levi pulled a face, recoiling from the girl as though she would attempt something similar with him.
"Ugh, that's disgusting- what is wrong with you?"
"That-" Historia shrank away from the eyes now focused on her. "That's how my sister Frieda used to wipe my face when I was little… she erased herself from my memories, but not the memories of things she did and taught me…" The office suddenly felt far too small for all the emotions and memories resurfacing, a fact Hange was thankfully quickly picked up on.
"As much as I hate to cut discovery short, I think it would be best if we dedicated an entire day to running experiments instead of trying to cram all of these breakthroughs into a few minutes, don't you agree?" Historia sniffled, brushing away an errant tear as she nodded.
"I- I think you're right, Section Commander. Premier Zachary has requested a meeting with the council and heads of the military next week, so… m-maybe some time after that?"
"It's a date!" Hange threw their arm around the girl's shoulders, leading her to the door, their voice growing faint as she escorted her back downstairs. "Just wait until you hear about all the amazing things we've learned- there are these things called 'foe-toe-graphs', right…"
Erwin just barely managed to reach the desk as the MP slipped from the door and it clicked shut behind him, his arm shaking violently as he tried to hold up his body weight. Levi moved the chair closer to him, and he collapsed onto it.
"You know Hange isn't going to shut up about this now, right? They're going to be pestering you non-stop. You need to tell them what's going on."
"Nothing is going on, Levi- I'm fine."
"Really? 'cause you look like you're about to pass out, and Eren didn't look that bad when he got a front row seat to his dad's memory of being eaten alive-"
"I said I'm fine, Levi!" Erwin snapped, leaning his elbow on the desk as he rested his head in his palm. "Everything is fine, I'm just… tired. I've been busy."
"Then take a break."
"I just came back from a break."
"Take another." He shifted his head just enough to level an incredulous glare at the other man.
"Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you completely and utterly mad? Does it look like I can take a break? There are infinite problems mounting up, and every second I don't spend chipping away at them just gives them time to multiply. That's why you saved me, isn't it? Because I'm the one who deals with the problems; I'm the one who does all the dirty, thankless, tedious work that keeps the Survey Corps running. No one wants to admit it- no one wants to think about it, the fact that the Survey Corps is one percent fighting Titans and ninety nine percent administrative work and begging for funding, but it is; THAT'S why Shadis picked me to be his successor, because I'm good at paperwork, and that's why Hange is my successor instead of you!" His head was spinning, and he dropped his gaze back to the carpet, trying to catch his breath.
"If I can't even do that much- if I can't do the job I wasted my entire life on… then why am I even still alive?" 'Why don't I just go back to that basement in Shiganshina and die there…?' Levi waited until his breathing evened out before he spoke, his voice a low rumble reminiscent of Mike's.
"…that's not why I saved you… you could call it the icing on the cake, but it's not why."
"Then why?" As the shorter man opened his mouth, something seemed to flash in his eyes and whatever words he was about to speak caught in his throat. Shutting his mouth, a look of pure frustration flickered across his features quick as a lightning bolt before his face returned to its usual carved stoicism.
"Honestly? Because I'm a selfish piece of shit. Because I've watched damn near every single person I ever cared about die a horrible death, and this time, I actually had a chance to save one of them… so you'd better believe I fucking jumped at it. Eren was right- I never planned on using that serum on anyone but you… maybe Hange… but mostly you." Sitting upright, Erwin regarded the man before him, practically awestruck by the complete lack of self-awareness in his confession.
"I entrusted that serum to you under the assumption that you would make the best call in the field-"
"The only reason you could 'entrust' it to anyone is because I chose to disclose it to you. That serum never belonged to the Survey Corps; it was a gift Kenny gave to me, to do with as I pleased."
"And it pleased you to use it on me."
"Well, I sure as shit wasn't gonna use it on myself."
"If Floch hadn't brought me into Shiganshina, would you have let Armin die to go look for me?"
"Maybe… probably."
"And if I'd already been dead?"
"That do be how it is sometimes."
"And you wouldn't regret that?"
"I'd feel bad about it." Levi sat back down on the couch, leaning his arms on his knees, his gaze never leaving Erwin's. "I made a vow to myself that day outside Wall Maria, when I decided not to kill you… I told myself that I would never again regret the decisions I make. The problem is, I make a lot of decisions I regret. I let my friends- my familydie because my pride and their feelings were more important to me than their safety… so fuck my pride, and fuck everyone else's feelings. Am I an asshole for letting a kid die? You can say that. Is Eren gonna be a mopey little shit for the next couple of months because of it? Absolutely. Do I care? Not in the slightest. You and Hange and Thomasin are alive, and that is the only thing that matters to me right now. I—" He winced, as though his thoughts were causing him physical pain, but he pushed through it.
"…I need you three… you're all I have. You're my insides- my heart and lungs and guts… I can't live without those things. I don't need eyes or ears or a tongue, but I need those inside parts and I need you, all of you…" His gaze intensified, not that cold glare he so often regarded Erwin with, but something that burned like a red-hot blade. "I would have let every single one of those kids die to save you- including Eren. They wouldn't be the first, and they won't be the last. I can outlive my squads; I can't live alone." Pushing himself to his feet, Levi winced slightly, as though feeling a sudden ache, but his movements were as fluid as ever as he stepped closer to Erwin, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Hange won't shut up about this baby shower bullshit; you're gonna have to burst their bubble eventually."
"I will," he promised sadly. "But not yet. Let them be happy a little longer…" Knowing was such a curse…
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As the days trudged on, Erwin found himself with less and less to do. It wasn't that there wasn't more that needed to be done- there was always more that needed to be done- but there was only so much he could actually do. One couldn't harvest when the fields lay fallow no matter how hungry they were, and neither could one even consider an expedition with only seven soldiers. While he spent a decent portion of his time leading up to the meeting finally getting around to those condolence letters, the recruits made themselves useful cleaning out the barracks. It was always a painful task, but less painful for them given their limited time in the Corps.
Most of the cadets from the southern 104th who'd joined with them were long since dead, meaning the desks and dressers they now emptied belonged to the veterans who'd finally run out of luck and recruits from other branches and other Training Corps'. Erwin himself rarely did any of the packing these days- it was typically an intimate experience undertaken by the fallen's squad mates. Cecil and Horace and… Mike… they had been the last. He tried- he'd gone to Moblit's quarters and knocked on the door after finding it locked, asking if Hange needed help. The wood muffled most of the sound, but he could practically see them sitting on the floor, surrounded by old sketches and notes, wiping their nose furiously on their sleeve before answering with an artificially confident "No thanks! I've got it!"
He was hardly in a position to suggest how one should grieve. He'd moved Mike's patch to the pocket of his dress greens, arguing with himself that it was a compromise between keeping it out of reach yet still close by. He was surrounded by death and it exhausted him. That probably explained his strange dreams. They felt so real while he was sleeping, but the moment he woke, they slipped from his memory like water between his fingers, the only evidence of their impact the cold sweat drenching him or the tears staining his face.
And as he stood under the hottest spray the ancient pipes could manage, Erwin oft found himself wondering… was that his sweat? Were those his tears? Were those even his emotions, or was he just reliving someone else's miserable life? Deep down, a part of him hoped he was. A small, wicked part of him would rather have a dead boy's memories playing in his mind than his own, for at least then, he could be content in the solace that those horrors and sorrows and regrets weren't his. Even if they felt like they were, it would really be someone else's suffering that he could voyeuristically distance himself from.
Alas, he couldn't even remember whose dreams he'd been dreaming, so that wasn't likely. He couldn't exactly compare himself to Eren, if the boy's notes were to be believed. While Grisha's journals implied that most Shifters could only inherit fragments of memories at random, mostly from their immediate predecessor, one of the things that set the Attack Titan apart, aside from its massive strength in comparison to its relative size, was the fact that each new holder inherited the Titan's entire past. Given that there were almost a millennium's worth of memories and even going back a few decades could take years to parse, most of them meant nothing, but Eren had noticed a pattern in the memories that stood out most prominently.
Bloodshed.
Violence.
Combat.
The Attack Titan was a warrior, a soldier leading the vanguard. He dreamt of warfare- even if he didn't know who he was, he knew what battle he was fighting, where he needed to strike, how to break through the enemy's lines… A terrifying power to put in the hands of a young, reckless boy with violent impulses. But he was young. Hopefully, time would help soften those sharp edges and he would mature… hopefully, he wouldn't grow up like his half brother, Zeke. Grisha Yaeger's first son, the inheritor of the Beast Titan- the monster that laughed and cheered as he brutally murdered screaming, sobbing children… The fury in Levi's eyes as he recounted what he had heard that day when he'd made his way to the Beast was even beyond the raw loathing he'd displayed the day Isabel and Furlan were killed, but his voice had been calm when Erwin told him who he'd failed to eliminate…
"Oh, I'm still going to kill him. I'm going to ensure that his final moments are spent experiencing the fear and pain he inflicted upon every… single…person he murdered..."
Unnervingly calm. Perhaps that was why, despite it logically making no sense, when Erwin didn't see Levi the next day, his mind immediately conjured up a scenario where the lieutenant somehow took it upon himself to head to the ocean, alone and on foot, in search of his mark. Utterly ridiculous; he probably just went out to buy a box of tea. That was what he told himself throughout the day, occasionally glancing out the window down into the courtyard, anticipating a dark figure stalking back on base at any moment. He didn't, not later that afternoon, or well into the night… and not the next morning, either.
Of course, Levi had his own life and seeing as there were no missions and the Scouts weren't expected at the Chancellery for several more days, he didn't necessarily need to be on base… Erwin trusted him enough to not worry about him up and leaving without so much as a note (that didn't stop him from heading very quickly into the lieutenant's room and checking for an I'm sorry note on his bedside table; not finding one only put him marginally more at ease). On the third day of this unexplained, unexcused absence, he did find himself knocking on Hange's door.
"It's open. Uh, just mind your step…" He opened the door slowly, not surprised by the papers littering the floor so much as the fact that the path from the door to the desk that was usually cleared had also been filled. Hange was seated with crossed legs on the floor in front of their desk, a cup of something on one side, a glowstone lamp perched atop a stack of books on the other. While the section commander's office was almost always dark (light caused ink to fade), it usually didn't feel so… dreary. Oppressive. The air was slightly musty, almost damp…
"Hange-"
"Close the door, would you? I don't want a back draft messing up my files." Stooping far enough to push some of the papers out of his way, Erwin stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. It was amazing how bright the glowstones truly were, able to illuminate the entire room with barely any shadows, but the light was sickly and cold, and the way it highlighted Hange's scars and unkempt hair made them look much older than they were. "Did you need something, Erwin?" He nodded, but they weren't looking at him, completely engrossed in the binder they were slowly flipping through.
"I was wondering if Levi told you where he was going the other day?"
"Yeah. 'Out'." They looked up finally, the sardonic twist of their lip immediately falling away. "Why? What did he tell you?"
"He didn't tell me anything."
"Then… where did he go? Why would he just disappear without telling us- he should've told us where he was going to be! What if something happens to him and we have no idea where to even look?!" Erwin made himself a path, gathering more papers as he approached Hange, his voice even as theirs grew more distraught.
"Levi is the last person we need to worry about something happening to-"
"Just because he's strong doesn't mean he can't get hurt!"
Being strong doesn't make you invincible, Erwin…
"I know that, Hange…" he lowered his voice further, kneeling before them and taking their hand, squeezing it. "But it's safe now. We're safe now. There are no more Titans, no more Anti-Personnel squads… Levi is a hero; no matter where he goes, if anything were to happen, people would help him."
"But we still don't know where he is…" No… they didn't, and Erwin was beginning to regret bringing this up to Hange as they shifted, drawing their knees to their chest and curling into themselves, their hand shaking ever so slightly as they returned his grip. "It's like he just vanished… Like he was never there to begin with… and there's nothing left-"
"Hange, breathe. Look at me." He waited until the section commander lifted their head, the lashes of their visible eye clumping together from the moisture welling up there. "Levi is perfectly fine. Nothing happened to him. He'll come back soon." For a long moment, they just stared at him, sucking in ragged breaths.
"…you aren't going anywhere, right, Erwin? You're not going to leave us- leave me in charge, right?" He remained silent, but thankfully, Hange didn't seem to take his silence as an answer, too caught up in their own thoughts. "After what happened with the Female Titan in the forest, when you didn't come back, I thought… for a while, I thought maybe… maybe it was too much for you, maybe you used your ODM gear to go to the top of Wall Rose and…" They swallowed hard, shaking their head. "But you wouldn't, right? You would never. You're not that weak… You wouldn't kill yourself, no matter how upset you were or how hopeless things seemed; that's a coward's way out, and you're one of the bravest people I've ever known, Erwin."
"…no, Hange," he heard himself say, his voice muffled by the blood rushing in his ears. "I would never do something like that."
"I know… but sometimes, I still worry… You know we need you, right? Thomasin needs you. I need you; you and Levi are all I have left now-"
"I know. It's alright, Hange; you don't need to worry about me. It's my job to worry about you." His lips curved upwards, and it must've looked convincing enough in the unnatural light, because the other soldier managed a weak smile in return. They still looked haggard and utterly miserable… but a smile was good.
"I'll stop worrying when you come down to the mess hall and eat something other than bread." Hange's smile faltered a bit and they released his hand, reaching out and plucking at his shirt, his sleeve- the one that still had an arm in it- even hooking a finger in the waistband of his pants and tugging slightly, their frown returning as they noticed the sizable gap that resulted. "You've lost weight… are you not feeling well, Erwin?"
"I'm fine-"
"You need to tell me if you're not feeling well; we don't have any information on how illness affects Titan Shifters, and we might need-"
"I said I'm fine, Hange." He didn't exactly snap, but his tone was rather more short than usual. "I'm just not hungry. It's nothing to worry about; probably a side effect of being a Shifter. After all, Titans don't need to eat." They shook their head slowly.
"Mindless Titans don't need to eat; Eren eats like a pig, and from what the other 104th recruits said, so did the other Shifters…"
"Eren is a teenage boy- he's supposed to be hungry all the time."
"So are you, Erwin. Someone as big as you burns through a lot of energy just existing- look how much Mike used to eat. If you aren't hungry, that's usually a sign that something might be wrong-"
"The only thing that's wrong is that I've been trying to cram a month's worth of work into a week. Food has been the least of my priorities, but now that things have slowed down, I'm certain my appetite will come back. I should probably whet it with something other than stale bread and my horribly brewed tea… maybe yours tastes better." Hange gave a humorless chuckle.
"For once, yours might be better. I just mixed my pain medicine in this to make it easier to take."
"Pain medicine mixed in tea? They didn't give you tablets?"
"The surgeon gave me a prescription for laudanum. Just until my eye heals enough to take the stitches out…" They sighed, shaking their head. "It's liquid and it's awful. I'm supposed to just put it on my tongue, but I can't swallow this crap. Considering what a few drops of this does to me, I don't know how you didn't wind up in another coma after mixing pure morphin with whatever grain alcohol Pixis tried to pass off as 'wine'…" Erwin barely heard them, snatching up the cup and taking a deep whiff.
It was fainter, but it still stuck in his nose, that bitter, almost acerbic smell that almost always lingered in Thomasin's tea cups. Before he could even think about what he was doing, he lifted the cup to his lips, taking just a small sip in spite of Hange's protests. It wasn't as thick or strong as what Thomasin had served him in Calaneth, and it lacked the honey's pathetic attempt to mask the taste… but it was undeniably the same.
Just something to help you calm down…
It's what I drink after work…
This is the panacea that makes everything better…
"Erwin, don't drink that- you already don't feel well-"
"I'm fine. I'm sorry, Hange, I just- …I just needed to test a hypothesis…"
000000000
Tomorrow, the Queen's council and the heads of the military would be meeting with the majority of the Survey Corps to discuss the information contained within Grisha Yaeger's journals. Given that the meeting was taking place on the final day of Eren's sentence, the Premier had given the order to release him a few hours earlier so he could sit in on the discussion. Mikasa was only half through her sentence, but while the absence of a recruit wouldn't be missed, the Survey Corps' lieutenant would. Four days without so much as a note from him. Even his squad was beginning to ask questions, which Erwin swept under the rug with easily conjured lies: Levi has a life of his own outside of the Corps, he must have had urgent business to attend to, he'll be back soon…
In truth, while Levi's absence was odd, Erwin himself barely noticed it anymore. He'd spent the past twenty or so hours in a daze of sorts, lying in bed, not sleeping but thinking. Scouring every nook and cranny of his memory for little, half-forgotten words and phrases and moments, and laying them all out side by side into a horrible, miserable mosaic. Levi had been right; people like him didn't think, they didn't notice the suffering around them. The people in the Underground… the refugees of Titan attacks… he was so busy looking forward, marching ahead and lamenting the dead he stepped over that he paid no mind to the anguished living he walked past.
I never think about the future, about 'what ifs'. Never have…
I never expected to live this long…
I used to think 'it wouldn't be so terrible if Titans broke down all the Walls and killed everyone'…
I wish you had just left me to die in that forest…
He thought back to all those moments when things seemed so hopeless that he wondered if it wouldn't be easier to just die, intrusive, impulsive thoughts that might last a few heartbeats at most. Seeing the Beast Titan's rocks tear his soldiers limb from limb, the way his heart pounded as he stared at the edge of the Wall but ultimately couldn't take that step, still wondering if maybe he should. How would it feel to live with that mentality all the time? To never be able to step off that battlefield, for every moment to feel so hopeless that the only victory one could envision was a swift death?
Erwin's mind had rebelled against the idea of oblivion, his soul and body crying out because he wanted to live even as he forced himself to ride into the onslaught of stones that would surely kill him, arguing with himself that it was at least for a greater good. How could anyone be consumed by a desire to not exist, and yet still have the strength to smile, to help, to shower others with kindness and love- to do anything? He had no more strength; all he wanted now was to go to sleep and never have to wake up again…
Alas, even if his mind hadn't been racing, the world itself conspired against letting him rest. Faint as it was, he could hear some kind of commotion going on outside. As much as he wanted to ignore it, the initial disturbance stuck in his mind like a sliver of glass, and the irritation in his brain was going to drive him to insanity if he didn't excise it. Rolling off the bed- and just barely mustering the energy to catch himself before he face planted on the floor- Erwin dragged himself to the window, nudging open the curtains and resting his head against the mullioned glass. There were two figures in the courtyard, apparently struggling, both in plainclothes. Frowning, he squinted, trying to make out any noticeable features. The only thing that stood out immediately was that one of them, the taller of the two, had rather tan skin and-
He didn't even bother with his shoes, racing from the room and down the stairs so fast it was a miracle he didn't topple down them head over ass. He heard doors open and curious voices asking what was wrong, stirred by his storming down the halls, but he didn't have the time to answer. Maybe he was seeing things. Maybe… maybe another phantom had joined the legion watching him, judging, blaming… For as weak as the sun was, it was almost too bright after he'd spent the last two days in near constant darkness. He had run so fast, he had to slow to a jog before he could stop, his momentum carrying him almost directly in front of the pair.
They had frozen the moment they noticed him, Levi's fist balled in Thomasin's blouse, pulling the fabric so tight it was starting to tear. Her own hand was wrapped around his wrist, her nails digging into the pale flesh there so deep Erwin could see the skin turning red from where he stood. They were both filthy, their clothes wrinkled, their faces swollen and bruised and even bloody in places. It felt as though his mind had been held in in check by a tightly wound spring, and seeing these two pairs of dark eyes staring back at him was the final turn of the crank needed for it to snap, all his thoughts and emotions falling into a jumbled mess that he could not hope to untangle, not now.
"Wha…?" He asked desperately, even though he knew better than anyone that these were the last two people he should ever hope for an explanation from. Having since recovered her composure, Thomasin pried Levi's fingers open with her other hand, shoving the shorter man towards Erwin with such force that he stumbled a bit.
"Keep your dog on a tighter leash," she spat, her voice painfully hoarse once again. "If he ever comes back to my house, I'll stab him." She turned and began walking towards the gates. By the time Erwin looked down to where his lieutenant had been, Levi had already moved, trudging past him as though this were a perfectly normal occurrence. '…why am I even surprised anymore…?' He could hear Levi snapping something at the recruits that had gathered by the door to watch the veritable circus their superiors were deciding to put on for them, and after hesitating just long enough to fill his lungs, he chased after Thomasin.
"Wait!" he called out to her, not even surprised or disappointed when she didn't. It didn't take him long to catch up to her, quickly being reminded that he was walking barefoot through less than pristine streets. "Thomasin, what are you doing here?"
"Bringing your dog back." While that technically answered his initial question, it really only served to raise several more, although… he quickly thought back to her initial warning.
"Oh…" he sighed. "So that's where he was… I thought he'd gone to the Underground for something." Of course- of course Levi would go back to Calaneth to check on her, because Levi actually cared, Levi knew suffering, he noticed it, had probably seen her suffering for years beneath that shitty fake smile and actually cared enough to do something about it. Erwin stopped, breathless suddenly, a tight hand wrapping around his chest and squeezing him.
Thomasin did not stop to look back at him or even slow down, but… as he watched her from an increasing distance, he noticed that her gait was not what he remembered. It was a little thing, but he could see by the way she was holding herself, the way she was favoring her left side, trying to put as little weight on it as possible resulting in a slightly more pronounced limp. Jogging back up to her, he winced as a broken cobblestone dug into his foot.
"Wait. Stop, please. I'll hire you a carriage to go-" the word caught in Erwin's throat. He didn't want to say it. He couldn't. His gaze traveled from her hip back up to her face. Now that he was closer, he could really see how badly she had been worked over. Most of the swelling had gone down, but the bruises on her cheek and lips and eye were still an unsightly dark purple, meaning that whatever happened must have happened a day or two ago at the latest. "What happened?" he asked breathlessly.
He fully expected her not to answer, to continue ignoring him the way she had been doing, and all things considered, he couldn't blame her. He ignored her when she needed him, he consumed her affection and attention and gave nothing back in return, so why would she want anything more to do with him now? But Thomasin was never predictable. She could always find some way to throw him for a loop, and so she did once more, stopping and not moving away when he stopped beside her. She was breathing hard, and had to swallow before her lips moved.
"Levi happened." Erwin's initial thought was that somehow, Levi had managed to get both Thomasin and himself involved with a group of dangerous people that they then had to fight off because… honestly, it was just something he would expect from the man. But then, he took a second- just a second- to stop making assumptions about what he wanted to believe and actually listened to her. She didn't say the door stuck. She didn't say Levi pissed someone off.
"D- did he hit you!?"
"He hits like a bitch; you should be ashamed that he kicked your ass."
She began walking again and Erwin followed thoughtlessly, as though there were some invisible rope pulling him along. He remembered the ferocity of every blow Levi had struck against Mike. Hell, Eren had barely been able to walk even when Levi had held back, probably only moving because his Shifter regeneration was working double time to heal all the fractures he'd suffered. The force of Levi's arm hitting his throat that rainy day, knocking him down, had left him bed bound for nearly a week, and yet Thomasin didn't even seem to notice her own injuries. The memory of her arms flashed in his mind, and Erwin pushed it away, trying to focus on the issue at hand.
"Why would he hit you?"
"Because of you." She stopped again, whipping around to face him, her lips pulled back into a snarl as her eyes burned with a cold fury. "Because everything he does, every thought in his empty head, was put there by you. I don't know what order you gave him to make him harangue me like this, but you'd better fucking call it off." For a moment, he wondered- Take care of her for me- but… that was in Shiganshina… and Levi had stayed with her the day before, for hours, dragging her back home where he thought she would be safe… Erwin shook his head sadly.
"I think I understand what you're talking about, but you're wrong. This has nothing to do with any orders I gave, this has nothing to do with Levi's bloodline… he just cares about you-"
"You're lying," she spat, and he shook his head again.
"I wish I was. I wish I could claim that I ordered him to protect you and care for you when I couldn't, but… I can't claim that… because I didn't know that you needed protecting. Whatever he did was entirely of his own accord. I don't know why he thought hitting you was a good idea, but… going off what he's told me, I can only assume that, in his mind at least, he was trying to help you- albeit in an admittedly misguided way."
He couldn't say her anger left her- apparently, he had never been able to properly understand what she was feeling, but at the very least, her expression and posture no longer radiated the blind fury it once had as she continued limping forward. She looked… tired. Gaunt, her clothes unusually loose, which made the slight protrusion of her stomach all the more noticeable.
"He was just defending himself…" she muttered, half to the ether.
"From what?" Thomasin did not stop walking, just twisted enough to face him and brought up her hands, showing off the bloody bandages, the swollen, bruised fingers and freshly scabbed knuckles.
"From me." Erwin hadn't gotten a great look at Levi, but he'd seen his swollen nose, the scab on his lip and the massive purple blotch that covered nearly the entire left side of his face. The only person he'd ever known who had not only managed to get a hit in against Humanity's Strongest soldier, but actually hurt him was Humanity's former Strongest.
"…you beat the shit out of him…" She dropped her hands, pulling at her sleeves as she walked faster. She'd turned her face away, but not before he saw a grimace of shame and frustration pull at her mouth. Nile had mentioned that the MPs that had been found in her house had been left in a horrifically gruesome state- he remembered seeing where the floorboards in front of the door were darker where blood had soaked in. After what she did to Marcus Vance in their first year of the Training Corps, Commandant Stark never made her practice hand-to-hand combat again, mostly because no one wanted to have to go home like Vance had… "What did he do?" She tried to increase her pace even more, but she was limping horribly at this point, the wooden prosthesis knocking loudly against the stone street. He barely had to lengthen his strides to keep up with her.
"I know you, Thomasin. You wouldn't hurt someone for no reason. What did he do?" She stopped again, her hands balled into fists so tight he could see them shaking at her sides, her entire body half turned away from him.
I don't want to see you… I don't want to hear your voice…
He placed his hand on her shoulder and felt her entire body tense up so hard, it was a miracle she didn't develop a massive cramp. Her voice was still hoarse, but when she spoke now, it sounded like she was speaking through a stuffy nose, her words tight and choked.
"…he was… trying to help me… he ruined everything…" Knowing he was taking a chance, risking her turning that haymaker on him and running off once she laid him flat on his ass, Erwin stepped closer, noticing a bruise he hadn't seen before. He'd assumed it was simply a shadow cast by her head, but so close, he could see where the blood vessels had broken along her jaw just under her ear, feathering out down her neck. It was almost funny, that he had spent years picking up pieces of human beings without flinching, stepping through the ground up meat that used to be people without batting an eye, yet this made him queasy. He didn't retch, thankfully, but he could still taste bile in the back of his throat.
"When?" He didn't expect her to answer, but he had to try while she wasn't actively running away from him.
"Three days ago… I had to. I tried everything… nothing was working." And Levi saved her again. Three days ago. While he was distracting himself, telling himself that he was trying to help her.
Erwin imagined a body hanging from the rafters, swinging before finally going still for good, hanging there, first limp, then stiff, then limp again until… until… probably until the landlord came for her half of the rent and found remains too far gone to be identified… Would he be notified, seeing as he was still paying half of the rent? They might not even know she was his wife- so much had happened since their pitiful wedding that she probably hadn't found the time to change the name on her lease. Would the MPs be alerted, or would they have just scooped up whatever hadn't liquefied and dumped her into a pit with all the other destitute and forgotten and unwanted bodies…? His fingers tightened their grip.
"…do you still want to die?"
"Right at this moment? No. …an hour from now, who knows?"
"Then…" His voice almost caught in his throat. "Let me stay with you for the next hour." She turned to face him, and while he could see that her eyes had been moist enough for her nose to start running slightly, there were no wet streaks on her cheeks.
"Why? Is Levi sick of babysitting me?" Erwin shook his head. "Then what do you want?"
"…I want to die with you." There wasn't any overwhelming shock, but she still looked taken aback by his claim. He was still gripping her shoulder- there would probably be five little bruises where his fingers were digging into her flesh, but his hand was locked in that position. "I don't want to die," he continued, his voice growing hoarser with every word. "For as horrible, and painful, and burdensome as everything is, I still want to live in this world that's so full of beautiful, wonderful things… but, if I have to think about that world without you in it… it's not beautiful or wonderful anymore. Seeing you smile and cry… seeing you laugh and yell… seeing you, warm and alive… Thomasin, I love those things so much…" He blinked and felt the collar of his shirt grow warm, damp. "But if I can't live in a world with those things, then I would rather die. You owe me nothing… but if you're going to die, then please- let me die with you…"
She said nothing, and he closed his eyes, his tears falling in silence. It wasn't until he felt a tug on his hair that he opened them. Thomasin had grabbed a handful of the short blonde strands to force his head up, regarding him with that piercing, inscrutable stare she so often regarded him with.
"…for years, I told myself 'the day he doesn't come back from his expedition is the day I'll kill myself'." She dropped her hand, but he continued looking at her even as she glanced away, her gaze focusing on something past his ear. "Existing… always felt like such a joyless chore… All I ever wanted was to die, quick and painlessly… and when I had the chance, finally, on top of Wall Maria… all I could think about was the fact that you were there. That you would see, and you would blame yourself and hate yourself and have nightmares about it, and… I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you… Every single time, no matter how bad I felt, no matter how loud that voice in my head was, I always told myself, 'You can't. Erwin's coming for his day off, or for your birthday, or for his birthday… He'll be the one who finds you; you can't do that to him'…" Two large tears splashed onto her protruding clavicle when she blinked, but her expression didn't change.
"And then, you learned where your beloved proof was, and I knew- I knew you wouldn't come back. The only reason you were careful on the other expeditions was because you hadn't found it yet, because you didn't know where it was or even what it was… but now you did, and I know more than I know anything… that there is nothing in the world that matters more to you than that proof-"
"No." His body moved without his even willing it, his hand finally moving, his arm wrapping around her, pulling her as tight to himself as he could with just the one. She didn't struggle or try to pull away, nor did she move to return his embrace. "I swear to you on Mike's memory, the only reason I went on that expedition was because I didn't know you- I didn't know you hurt so much… I never knew. That day, when I sat atop Wall Maria with you… I only thought about the view. I thought it was beautiful, it was such a happy memory for me. If I'd ever had any idea what it meant to you, I'd never have brought it up again- I'd never have taken you up there in the first place!"
"…if I'd told you, would you have left the Scouts for me…?" Her voice was muffled by his chest. He wondered if she could feel his heart pounding.
"…not at first. We weren't close enough back then. I definitely would've kept in touch, though- I wouldn't have waited for you to write. I'd have visited you every chance I got the moment you were discharged; I probably would've given you most of my salary so you could afford a nicer place to live. It wasn't like I ever spent any of it…" Erwin shifted slightly, so that his hand could come up and lay over the back of her neck, as though he could retroactively shield that vulnerable part of her from whatever had been wrapped around it three days ago.
"If I'd made an effort to get to know you back then, I probably would have fallen in love with you sooner, and I wouldn't have been such a petulant shit about it…" He leaned back just enough that he could look at her face. There was a large, wet stain on the front of his shirt, and her face was damp. "If I'd ever realized that the price of my dream wasn't my life, but yours… I'd have abandoned it in a heartbeat. With the Scouts, I could argue that my dream was in service of theirs; that finding the truth was the ultimate end goal of freeing us from the Titans and reclaiming our lands, but that excuse doesn't work with you. And I'd probably spend a few hours… days… who am I kidding- weeks- trying to convince myself that it does, but when I finally swallowed that pill…" He bowed his head, resting his forehead against hers. "Yeah, Lindemann; I'd leave the Scouts for you. I'll leave them for you right now. We can run away and live somewhere no one can find us, or we can die- as long as I can be together with you until I draw my final breath, that's my new dream."
"…you're lying…" Slowly, he felt her arms raise. "You always lie…" Her fingers clenched in his shirt, her arms shaking. "Why do you always lie…?"
"For the same reason you've lied all these years- to protect me. No more… my worthless, insignificant self doesn't matter any more…" He never should have, not when it resulted in so much pain, so much death…
000000000
A/N- Eren- "How's your wife?" Erwin- "I don't know- how's your best friend?"
Don't know if this is important or not, but just thought I'd tell y'all in case you don't know- FFN has disabled email alerts, so now, you have to go into your settings and turn them back on manually. And you have to do that every six months because it will turn back off again. I bring it up because if you're not getting alerts for Reasons, it's not because I've stopped posting (probably will end up taking another hiatus around the holidays, but we'll see)- it's because your alerts have been turned off.
Writing the happy couple's reunion was very difficult, probably the most difficult thing I've ever written because when things like this happen in my stories, they generally don't end happily. I am constantly fighting against my primal urge to kill both Thomasin and Erwin in the most depressing way I can think of, and every chapter that I don't is a small victory for me. See, I wrote this fic because I wanted to try my hand at writing something lighter and happier than my usual fare. Yeah- this is what passes as light and happy for me. I am like Levi- I refuse to let these miserable idiots die regardless of how much they want to. They will have a happy ending, dammit- I promised!
Speaking of Levi, I imagine the showdown on the roof in this universe went something like this- Eren: "Armin And I Want To See The Ocean." Levi: "That probably sounded real convincing in your head, butThomasin Wants To See Her Husband, and I've known her longer than I've known Armin, so… yeah." Man's really out here saying "Fuck them kids," but considering that Levi's whole thing is constantly putting everyone before himself (which is a very, VERY unhealthy mentality to have, but one that is almost universally considered a good thing), I think he deserves to be selfish for once, especially considering that his horribly selfish desire is, uh… *checks notes* "keeping his very small found family together after losing every other person he's ever loved". That monster. How dare he do something to help his pregnant, suicidal friend when it also benefits him- wanting literally anything for yourself is evil!Seriously, he might be kind and compassionate, but that kindness is clearly not universal. He has no problem torturing and murdering people to protect his own, and in the relationship hierarchy, someone you've been friends with for at least five years is typically going to rank higher than a kid you've been friend- friendly… friendsly with for four months. (Also, I am kind of thinking about writing one or two gaiden-esque chapters from Thomasin and Levi's perspectives on events that happened when Erwin wasn't there- or maybe even one-shot style stories that delve more into their lives off screen- but I don't know where they would fit because… spoilers? Tons of spoilers)
Oh, and I fucking refuse to acknowledge the time travel bullshit-ery in AoT, so if you're expecting anything to do with the absolute dumbest stable time loop I have ever had the displeasure of watching unfold… don't. Just don't. The Vanguard Titan leads the vanguard because it fights good- it's good at Attacking because it has memories of every battle it ever fought, a'la Ackerman mind hacks. That's it- we don't need Eren to be the center of karmic destiny, because AoT doesn't do it nearly as well as Madoka Magica.
