THE HARRY POTTER SAGA
CHAPTER ONE BY KEVIN HIRN
DISCLAIMER: I totally own Harry Potter and all related characters. Come to think of it I also own Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Yay for me!
Harry Potter was no ordinary boy. He was a wizard but he really wanted to be a stapler. He was lying in bed in his dorm at Hogwarts, fantasizing about being a stapler. Then he dreamed about being a beastilic homoerotic necrophiliac. Then he woke up.
He went to the tree store, called "Treemart" that had a new location inside the great hall. He bought eighty-eight trees and ate them all up. Following that he went to breakfast with Ron and Hermione and had kipper-flavored ice cream. He decided Ron was too jealous so he gave Ron AIDS. Ron then went to Madame Pomfrey who made fun of Ron for being gay and then proceeded to light his AIDS on fire. All of a sudden Voldemort apparated on to the Hufflepuff Table and began to do a gay (as in happy) jig. But then Professor McGonnagall transfigured Voldemort into a walnut and Harry did a triple frontflip over to the Hufflepuff table and ate Voldemort whole. And they all lived happily ever after…
Until the next day, at 4:15 AM when Harry was in bed with his harem of Luna, Ginny, Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, Padma, and Cho while Ron repeated the word "Quidditch" over and over again 533,455,346 times, Neville was busy eating Trevor with a plant, Dean was eating watermelon and fried chicken, and Seamus was drinkin' beer, makin' babies, talking to pixies, and seducing a banshee with tape over her mouth. Professor Binns came in through the wall and told Harry that he had failed his last History of Magic paper. Harry was astounded; he thought he had done great. As Lavender tickled his crotch and Parvati licked his feet, Binns said in a monotonous flat drone, "You wrote about how Han Solo destroyed the Enterprise with a shuriken star when the assignment was about the 337th Goblin Rebellion of 1639's leader Heidi the Hideous, Repugnant, Ugly, and Repulsive, ate a freckled muffin with a hag and a vampire at a pup in Pinsk; Pinsk, haha, what a funny name for a city." Then Binns tore up Harry's paper and glided away. Harry then, and only then, realized his mistake and thought "Levicorpus" while pointing his wand at Ron. He cast "Silencio" at Ron so he would stop screaming and want to bed, ready to start a new day…
A/N Do you like it? Should I continue? HUH? Cause I won't until I get 47,894 reviews in twenty-five minutes or its gone FOREVER. So review. Be nice and mean at the same time. Give it to me straight but sugar-coat it because I neither accept nor not accept criticism. See? I knew I could guilt trip you into reviewing. Hahahahaha!
