November 2002
Lorelai hustled down the aisle, scanning her surroundings for a can of cranberry sauce. Not the kind with actual bits of fruit in it, but the good kind…the type that came out with the ridges of the can still imprinted on it. She needed it to bring to Mrs. Kim's; she couldn't arrive to Thanksgiving empty handed. She found a display at the end of the row and grabbed a can, tossing it in her basket as she turned the corner. She looked up to see Kirk staring down at something in a blue bottle. "Oh, hey Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping?" she asked to be polite. She had four Thanksgiving dinners to get to, so she didn't have a lot of time for chitchat.
"Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no." Yep, she should have known better than to start a conversation with Kirk when she was in a hurry. He went to put the bottle in his cart and her eyes followed it down to see his left hand was covered in bandages.
"Oh, what happened there?"
"Oh, nothing, just a little scratch."
"Looks like a big scratch," she nodded at his wounded hand, her eyes catching site of what else was in his shopping basket. "Wow, Bactine, Neosporin, Mercurochrome… what's with all the pharmacologicals?" Now she was kind of invested. Kirk did always have a way of keeping things interesting. And this could make a good anecdote for any of her four upcoming Thanksgiving dinners. She couldn't take too long though. Rory was waiting for her and the last thing Rory needed was to have to come looking for her in Doose's. She knew her daughter was keen to avoid this place for a while.
"Oh, well, Kirk and I are going through a little adjustment period, that's all." She was pretty sure he wasn't talking about himself, although she wouldn't put it past him.
"Cat Kirk?" she asked for confirmation. He'd had just adopted a new cat who he'd—confoudningly—named after himself. Though in Kirk's peculiar brain, it apparently made completely sense.
"It's no biggie, and this…" Kirk looked down at his hand and gagged at the sight of his own blood, "looks a lot worse than it is."
"Yeah, I can see that," she gave a placating nod. "So how'd it happen? Were you playing or something?"
"We haven't actually played yet," Kirk informed her. She grabbed a chocolate turkey off the shelf nearby as he spoke; she still had her own shopping to get done. "This happened when I accidentally walked into the room without announcing myself."
"Excuse me?" Lorelai blinked in confusion.
"I've discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in."
"You have to announce yourself?" Leave it to Kirk to adopt a cat as weird as he was.
"Yeah, just a quick, 'Is it okay if I come in?' from the adjacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy."
"Hence the scratch." She deduced, placing the chocolate turkey in her basket.
"It's just a small laceration. Again, no biggie." Kirk turned around to grab another bottle of antiseptic and Lorelai gasped. Two large red gashes ran down the back of his neck.
"Kirk, he got your neck!"
"That was another mistake of mine," Kirk defended his eyes darty and nervous like he was a battered wife. "I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that…Or she doesn't."
"She?" Lorelai asked. "I thought Kirk was a boy."
"That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his…" Kirk made an unwieldy gesture with his hand, "underside to me yet…Or hers."
Okay, that was enough of this conversation. "Well, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon," she grimaced, turning her attention back to the chocolate turkeys in an attempt to hurry up the getting out of there process.
"From your mouth to God's ears. See ya."
"See ya."
Lorelai started her way back down the aisle, almost immediately spotting Dean by the register; her daughter's ex-boyfriend of barely a week. Dean turned away, starting to gather up some items that needed to be stocked in a not-so-subtle attempt to avoid eye contact. Lorelai hated that he felt like he needed to ignore her just because he and Rory broke up. Lorelai loved Dean. He was a good kid. And he was good to Rory. If it were up to her, Rory would have realized what a good thing she had while she had it and not gone and fallen for Jess. But unfortunately, it wasn't up to her. She hated watching her daughter breakup with such a great boyfriend to wind up with a damaged kid who was just going to break her heart eventually. But even if Rory couldn't see what a good guy Dean was, that didn't mean that she couldn't still be friendly with the kid, did it?
"Hi there," she greeted, ignoring his attempts to ignore her. It was better to get the awkwardness out of the way.
"Hi."
"So, you pulled the Thanksgiving shift, huh?"
"Yeah," Dean fidgeted with the boxes of Dentyne in his hands, looking anywhere but at Lorelai. "I get time and a half."
"Well, good, good. It's good to see you." She tried to keep her voice light and inviting but it didn't seem to work.
"Same here," he replied unconvincingly. "Um, so, I gotta work." He held the packages of gum up as proof.
"Right, right," Lorelai nodded. "That Taylor's a dictator." It was part awkward chitchat, but it was also true. She couldn't imagine having to work for that man; he micromanaged everything.
"Yeah."
He spun around and started to walk away, but Lorelai just couldn't leave it like that. "Dean, wait." He stopped, not more than two feet away and started putting the gum on the rack on the other side of the register. "Um, look," Loreali continued on even though he was still avoiding eye contact. "We live in a teeny tiny little hamlet here. I mean, stick it in an envelope and we could mail the whole town for a buck-forty. It makes avoiding people tough and uncomfortable." It was bad enough he was going to have to avoid Rory and Jess. Not that he had to avoid them. But it was tough seeing your ex move on, even if you were over them. And Dean clearly wasn't over Rory.
"I know," he nodded with resignation. Lorelai could see he wasn't taking the breakup very well. She could sympathize with the guy; Lorelai wasn't taking it very well either.
"I hate hiding from people, especially when I don't wanna hide from them. You were a pal. You were so good to Rory. You were the best first boyfriend a mother could've hoped for." Lorelai could only pray that Rory's Jess phase would end soon and she would fall for someone half as good as Dean again. Preferably before Jess got bored and broke her heart. She knew kids like Jess, and they weren't the type to stick around for long.
"Thanks." He finally seemed to be softening, but she could tell he still felt uncomfortable.
"It's okay to keep avoiding me if you want. I just wanted you to know that you don't need to, okay? Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did."
Dean's lips finally broke into a small, sincere smile and he nodded in reply. "Good. That's good to hear." He laughed with relief and his shoulders relaxed as he expelled the air from his lungs.
"Well, Happy Thanksgiving."
"Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving." He responded, taking a step back and gesturing her to the checkout line. Lorelai smiled. Things were complicated but they didn't need to be that complicated. She couldn't force Rory to stay with someone she didn't want to stay with, but that didn't have to mean that Lorelai needed to have a problem with Dean. And maybe someday Rory could even find a way to be friends with him herself. Not that that would go over that well with Jess. And as much as she didn't like Jess, she hoped Rory would be more considerate with his feelings than she had been with Dean's. Because truth be told, Rory had been a little careless with her affections. Which was something she never would have thought her daughter capable of. Rory was always so kind and caring. But then again, she was a teenager, and being a teenager was a complicated swirl of emotions and hormones. Hopefully Rory would learn from her mistakes and do better this time. Because as much as Lorelai didn't like Jess…and didn't particularly trust his motives, she didn't want Rory to treat him badly, and she definitely didn't want her to wind up with a broken heart.
December 2005
The creeping feeling of being watched was impossible to ignore. Of course, it wasn't like Lorelai wasn't used to it—she'd been the subject of her small-town gossip mill more often than not over the last six months; and at other various times over the course of two decades she'd lived there. But somehow, these stares were different. The old stares were ones of sympathy and concern. These stares were full of judgement and reproach. Not that anyone said that—not to her face, and not that she'd overheard—but she could sense it, the shift in sentiment. Before, everyone had been on Lorelai's side, but now they all thought it was her fault Rory wasn't home.
"Everyone is mad at me," she lamented as she speared a french fry with her fork; not to eat—french fries weren't meant to be eaten with a fork—but just because she felt like stabbing something.
"No one is mad at you."
"Rory is mad at me," she pointed out. Luke reached up to scratch nervously at his chin, unable to rebut her assertion. "See!" Lorelai said. "You know it's true."
"Okay, maybe. But Rory is in a tough place right now. No one blames you for that." Lorelai dropped her head to stare at her half-eaten cheeseburger. Luke was wrong. Of course they blamed her; it was her fault. Her fault Rory didn't want to come home. Her fault Rory had run away to begin with. So how could people not blame her? After all, she blamed herself.
But what else was she supposed to do when she saw her kid making a colossal mistake? When she saw her setting herself up for heartbreak? When she saw her setting her kid up for heartbreak? She was just supposed to shut her mouth and watch Logan break her heart? "It's all his fault," Lorelai grumbled.
Luke sighed, dropping the cloth he was using to wipe up the counter and putting his full focus on his fiancé. "Look, I don't like the kid either, you know that. But…"
"I'm sorry," Lorelai's head shot up to give him a withering stare, her self-loathing immediately replaced by righteous indignation. "Now you're taking his side."
"No." Luke promised her. "I'm on your side. And while I hope we're wrong, I just think that if we're not, then Rory is going to need you more than ever."
"And she'll have me." Rory was the one who wanted nothing to do with her. Rory was the one who decided not to come home…was the one who ran away from home in the first place. She always knew exactly where to find Lorelai, and Lorelai would always be there to welcome her with open arms if she wanted it.
"But if you push her away now…"
"No!" Lorelai slammed a fist down on the counter. Rory was an adult. She'd made her choices; there needed to be consequences for them. It wasn't Lorelai's job to go running after her, cleaning up after mistakes she refused to even admit she'd made. Tough love, baby. "She has to undo what she's done, get out of her father's house, stop playing the good, little missus to Logan, and go back to school."
"She's having a baby, school might be a bit tough right now," Luke pointed out.
"Have you met Rory? She can do anything she wants; whatever she puts her mind to. Sky's the limit. But she has to want it. She used to love to learn and read and study. And that was freakish, but it was her. And she's got to get herself back there."
"But…"
"No, when Rory wants help, she will ask for it. And the minute she does, I will fly in faster than the gulf stream I'm sure her father is going to try to buy her off with next. But until then, I'm sorry, she's on her own. Her and that boyfriend of hers."
Luke sighed, letting his shoulders droop. "So, you're just going to miss out on your grandson's birth? On the first, however much of his life it takes for Rory to come around? You're going to wait for her to hit rock bottom and then hope she comes back?" Luke was giving her an incisive gaze, like there was something else he wanted to say.
"What?"
"What 'what'?"
"Whatever it is you really want to say…"
"Lorelai…"
"No," she protested. "Go ahead." Everyone else was against her. Why not Luke?
"It's just…It took you sixteen years to go back."
Lorelai's face scrunched up into a vicious scowl. "That is not the same."
"No," Luke shook his head, "I know that. It's just," he reached out to put a comforting hand over hers on the counter. "It's been over six months already. It may not take Rory 16 years to come around, but I don't want you to miss out on 16 more days if you don't have to. She's having that baby on Friday. Isn't it worth it to put up with Logan if it means you get to be there for that?"
Lorelai pulled her hand back, shoving her plate of uneaten food away. "If she wanted me there, she'd tell me. And I'm not talking about this anymore." It killed Lorelai to think about him being the one in there holding her hand. Being the one she wanted by her side. Being the one to tell her she could do it…just one more push. Logan wasn't who Rory needed by her side. Rory needed her mother. Logan would probably prefer to be outside handing out cigars anyway. Lorelai knew guys like him, and they didn't stick around when the going got tough; he'd probably turn and walk out of the room the second she pushed that baby out of her and he realized this wasn't just fun and games anymore. Maybe that push was the push Rory would need to realize it was ridiculous to choose some glib guy over her own flesh and blood. Lorelai hated the thought of not being there for Samuel's birth, but if that was what Rory needed to get her head on straight, that was just the price she was going to have to pay.
Luke let out a sigh. "Let me wrap that up for you," he said, nodding at the food.
Lorelai pushed her stool back and stood up. "I'm not really hungry."
"Hence the wrapping it up for you to eat later…when you are."
"I don't want it," Lorelai snapped. Couldn't he just respect her wishes for once and stop trying to push his agenda on her?
"Lorelai…"
"I'll see you at home later." She turned and walked out of the diner and onto the sidewalk coated with a thin sheen of moisture from the melted snow. Last night had been the first snow, but the ground wasn't frozen enough yet to let it stick and so it had just melted away into muddy puddles. It seemed apt, that something she had spent months yearning for, praying for, looking forward to—something she loved, that normally set her heart aglow—would turn so quickly into something disappointing and messy and just plain ugly.
How could she enjoy the snow anyway, when Rory wasn't here to share it with? How could she enjoy the cheesy town decorations when Rory wasn't there to mock them with her. How could she feel excitement at the sign outside Weston's advertising their seasonal candy cane coffee when she didn't have her daughter to sip it with? Christmas was making her depressed. This whole damn town was making her depressed. Doosey's with their giant Christmas ham advertisement in the front window was making her depressed. The Chat Club with their little kitty Santa outfits on display was making her depressed. The…Treasure Chest….with their…Lorelai's feet slowed and she swallowed down a lump in her chest as she approached the window of the local toy store and was greeted with the sight of the tiny rocking horse dressed up as Rudolf. Next to it was a giant Santa's workshop set up. And besides that, a bookshelf filled with a variety of Christmas themed baby books.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there, staring at the display, her heart pounding in her chest, her throat constricting. But at some point, her near emotional breakdown was interrupted by the sound of a bell jingling to announce the opening of the door. Her eyes glanced up to land on the familiar face of her daughter's ex-boyfriend. The good one. The one who'd been polite and doting. The one who always put her daughter first and showered her with love and affection and only had eyes for her. The one who'd donned a tux and took her to her coming out ball even though it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. Who spent his free time building her a car. And sure, things with Dean weren't all good. In fact, they'd gone pretty spectacularly off the rails when he'd slept with Rory while married to Lindsay. But even then, he'd only had eyes for her daughter. And he'd tried to make it work with her again. He didn't keep her some dirty secret, or tell her it was a mistake. He'd walked away from his marriage for her. Dean was a hard worker, and he was loyal and steadfast. Why couldn't Rory have wound up with Dean? None of this would be happening right now if Rory had realized what a good thing she'd had with him and made it work.
"Lorelai!" Dean's voice was pitched with surprise. Although she wasn't sure what was so surprising to him about running into her. After all, she was the one who still actually lived here.
"Hey Dean." She gave the guy a warm smile. "What are you doing here? Visiting for the holiday?"
"Uh…" he fidgeted with the bag in his hands, looking anywhere but at Lorelai. Was he mad at her for some reason? She knew he'd been upset when he and Rory had broken up again the year before, but her understanding was, it had been mutual…both too busy with their own lives to make it work. But even if it wasn't, Dean didn't seem the type to hold a grudge against Lorelai just because things between him and Rory hadn't worked out. They'd been down this road before. "Yeah," he said, finally stopping his darting eyes and instead choosing to stare at his feet. "My parents and Clara are in Chicago, but Lindsay really wanted to come home to see her family for Christmas. I uh…I had to pick up a gift for her cousin."
"That's nice." Silence followed. There was no question this run in was confusingly awkward.
Dean finally looked up from his shoes, reaching up the hand that wasn't holding the shopping bag, to rub his neck nervously. His eyes looked from Lorelai to the display she'd just been gawking at, and back to Lorelai. "How…umm…" he swallowed. "How is she?"
Now it was Lorelai's turn to act cold and uneasy. "She's fine," she clipped. That question was way more loaded than Dean ever could have possible realized. Or so she assumed. The gossip spread quick around here and she didn't know when Dean had gotten into town. Did he know? Was that why he was acting weird? Sure, he'd gotten back together with Lindsay, but finding out your ex was pregnant with someone else's baby still had to hit hard, even if you were over them. And Lorelai wasn't entirely sure he was.
"Right…right…" he looked back at the rocking reindeer. "And the baby?"
Well, that answered that question. "Dean…" the word came out with sympathy. She could see from the sad look in his eyes that he was indeed, not taking the news well. Not that she could blame him; she wasn't taking the news very well herself.
"Look, you don't have to be nice to me. And I know you don't owe me anything. She doesn't owe me anything. I just…I just want to know if it's alright."
Lorelai looked at him with confusion. Why didn't he think she'd be nice to him? And what did this have to do with owing anybody anything. "He's…fine…" Lorelai answered with hesitation in her voice.
"He?" Dean's eyes flew up to meet hers, a look of wonder in them. "It's a boy?"
"Yeah."
"And he's okay?"
"Umm…yeah. He's gonna have to make his appearance a little early because of the pre-eclampsia but the doctors say he'll be just fine."
"Thank you, Lorelai," he said, with an air of gratitude far greater than was sane or logical. "I can't thank you enough."
"Youuuuu're….welcome?" Lorelai drew the words out, utterly confused as to what he was welcome for.
"No, really," he repeated, his voice almost pleading, his body leaning forward expectantly. "Thank you. You didn't have to…I mean, I expected you to….to hate me. You should hate me. I get it. But you have to understand…When she showed up at Sean's that day, things with Lindsay and me were finally good again, and I was all packed up and ready to go. What was I supposed to do? Throw it all away? I couldn't do that to Lindsay. Not again. And honestly, I never thought she'd go through with it anyway. I mean, school is all she'd ever wanted. I didn't think she'd drop out to have a baby. I didn't think I was really gonna be…gonna be a…" he couldn't make himself say the word but he didn't need to; it was pretty obvious. Still, there was a part of her that questioned her deductive skills, especially at the moment. This couldn't possibly be happening. She couldn't possibly be interpreting this right…could she?
She blinked at him a few times, the shock making her numb. Dean took a stumbling step backwards, his own eyes going wide with alarm. "You didn't…I mean, she didn't tell you?"
Lorelai's mouth felt dry and sticky. Her tongue was heavy. She wasn't sure how she was able to make words form, but somehow, she did. "Tell me what?" she spat out. "That you cheated on your wife with her again, knocked her up, and then abandoned her?"
"Well," Dean continued to back away. "I mean, technically Lindsay and I weren't back together when…you know…and…" he trailed off, mostly likely in response to the daggers shooting from her eyes. Without a mirror in front of her, she could only imagine how terrifying an image she presented. Had she grown horns? Fangs? Had smoke billowed from her nose like a dragon preparing to burn the world down? Because she certainly felt a fire smoldering within. She definitely wanted to set something on fire.
Lorelai took a menacing step towards him. "You abandoned her," Lorelai repeated. "You abandoned your unborn son."
"I didn't even know if he was really mine," Dean defended, but his protestations were half-hearted at best. "I still don't." Lorelai scoffed. Even if he believed that, a real man…a decent man, would have stuck around to find out. "You're not gonna…" he trailed off again and this time the fear in his eyes wasn't because he thought flames were going to spew out of her. His fears at the moment were a little less immediate but probably no less terrifying.
"What?" Lorelai asked, leaning back on her heels, suddenly feeling just a little less powerless than she had in months. "Tell your wife? Make you actually take responsibility for your actions? For your kid?" In all honesty, she wasn't sure what she was going to do. But she wouldn't lie and say it didn't feel good to see him sweat at the thought.
Things were more complicated than that, though. If Dean really was Samuel's father, he needed to step up and own it. But then again, did she want to force someone to be in her grandson's life that didn't want to be there. She'd never forced Christopher. Of course, it had taken the man twenty-one years to step up, so maybe that wasn't the right choice either. On the other hand, it didn't seem like Rory wanted anything from Dean. But then again, she had Logan. Lorelai felt her jaw clench at the realization. Logan thought Samuel was his. Logan had changed his school plans and his career plans and walked away from his family and millions of dollars all because Rory told him he was the father. Of course she wouldn't want anything from Dean…that would give away that Logan wasn't really the father. And as much as Lorelai despised Logan, he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have his whole life turned upside down over a lie. Lorelai never in a million years would have thought Rory was capable of doing that to someone. But then again, she never would have thought her capable of dropping out of school, or running away, or choosing to live with her father over her. Maybe that's why she didn't want to come home. Maybe she was afraid being in Stars Hollow would reveal the truth and Logan would find out he wasn't really Samuel's father. And then he would leave her. Because if Lorelai believed that Logan would eventually get bored and walk away from a son that was his, then she was definitely sure he wouldn't stick around to raise a son that wasn't.
AN: First off, I want to wish Caro1414 a very splendid birthday. And if you're not already reading her new story Best Deceptions, go do that now (or, actually, right after you leave me a review).
Now, onto this chapter. One of my classic cliff hangers, mwah-ha-ha. Did you figure out what was going to happen when you read The Lorelai-Dean interaction in the flash back? Or were you surprised. Did you think Samuel's questionable paternity would come out this way? What do you think Lorelai is going to do with this knowledge? Will she confront Rory about it? Will she tell Lindsay? I always love to hear your theories.
