It was finally the weekend. Lauren was safely and happily tucked away with Duo and Hilde, and today was going to be his day to set things right with Relena. He was going to get her coffee and they were going to talk. He had already set the machine to brew, and was bustling around with the cups and straightening up as she settled herself in. It was altogether too familiar to her... Heero in the kitchen, herself settling in. The only thing that was missing was Lauren's laughter drifting throughout the house. Her presence or lack thereof, was felt acutely. It had been her presence that had held them back before. The fact that they never would have come together at all if not for Lauren's presence was more menial.

At the sound of her name she turned, feeling her hair settle over her shoulders, her earrings swinging gently against her cheeks. The look on Heero's face as he looked at her was different, and yet familiar.

"Perhaps we should be friends," she suggested gently. "And if barring that, perhaps some more space."

"You deserve more."

"I know." she murmured.

"It's so difficult."

"I can't be any man's toy."

"I don't want a toy, I want a wife!" he exclaimed.

"I know."

She was going to leave it like that? Not even a curious inquiry as to who the wife he wanted was. He reached a hand to touch her chin, and was shocked as she turned her face away from his fingers. She wanted to be friends, the words of death. She was turning away from him. 'How do you like being the one that's walked away from?' a voice inside him mocked.

Relena sat in his living room as he paced. She had already called for a car to pick her up, knowing Heero wouldn't be pleased with her decision. She fingered the locked in her hands, tracing the outlines of the heart. Her eyes were already so tightly shut that it was almost painful, attempting to keep the tears at bay. The need to cry would stop, she promised herself. If she had been another person she might have stayed, taking whatever she could from Heero, waiting for him to make her whole. Was that how it was to be with Heero? He was to be her first of everything, and yet she was not allowed to have him. If running now was an act of cowardice, she could accept that.

When he entered the room she stood. It was as if he could see on her face that something important was going to happen.

"I think..." she began, and then gulped some air, taking his hand and letting it rest facing up in hers. She stared at his palm, wide and line and nearly lost her nerve. Her eyes moved to meet his instead, demanding that he look at her face and not at their hands. "I think perhaps you should keep this... and give it to someone who's forever."

She closed his fist and turned and walked... ran... for the door. She exited the building blindly, never so glad that she didn't have to drive herself home. If that had been the case she surely would have crashed and done terrible damage to herself and the car. Today was the end, it was the end for certain. She had given him back his locket, and he had said not one word as she walked away. Not one. He wanted a wife and mother for his child, and she simply wasn't what he wanted. It was ironically right for it to happen that way. For a short time he had made her feel as if she were it, the one he wanted, but he had found out somehow that she was not.

She had in every essence handed her heart back to him. It had been perhaps the most intimate gift he could have given her. And yet, as he thought, staring down at the locket, had he been giving her the world for her heart... or the world with his?


"So you and Relena really..." Duo stared up surreptitiously from his pile of paperwork.

"Just don't talk to me, all right? You have nothing helpful to say, and I know damn well what happened already," Heero snapped.

"Now I really know you're not human."

Heero scowled. "It shouldn't have happened. I seem destined to hurt her as much as possible."

"Who's going to pick up the pieces when she breaks?"

"It won't happen."

Duo sighed, somewhat longsuffering.

"What are you going to do to stop it?"

"I can't..."

"You have run so far, Heero," Duo pointed out with a trace of anger, only to lean back against the door jamb. "You have everything right there... why do you insist on screwing it up?"

It was the finest show of control he had ever been graced with he did not physically attack Duo. The fact that his teeth bared had little to do with smiling, and everything to do with intimidation. If Duo hadn't look so stupidly smug and righteous... he might not have let the immediate anger go and deflated. How could he argue with that? In his own twisted logic what Duo said was true. If he couldn't accept Relena in a relationship... It was demeaning to them both. Yet Relena had been so understanding, as they made to trip over, as if that didn't even bother her. How much had it cost her to act so?

"Makes you think, doesn't it?" Duo commented quietly. "Just how people act when they're not considering."


Heero stared from under his eyelashes at the woman in front of him. It seemed that time had again eased the awkwardness that he had brought to them. He acknowledged it to be all his fault. It was rather like walking through hip deep snow for a while, the house seeming to have lost some of the luster that she had brought to them. Duo's stinging words rang in his head, but every time her turned around he was only met with confusion.

"I like the proposal," she said, looking up from the paper in her hands and smiling at him. "I'm really glad you let me have a look at it."

"I value your opinion."

He acted like a fond friend to her, or worse, a kind of distant brother. She felt no small measure of pride for him, it was after all his day to present security measures and programs before a board of ESUN's top officials. He was wearing a dark suit for the occasion, and to her practiced eye he looked slightly nervous. Not many people would pick it up, but the subtle way he angled his head, and the way his hands rested, they were just little things. She was glad that she could help him to steady himself before he went.

He rose to see her out, but stopped her before she could reach the door.

"Do I get a good luck hug before you go?"

It would be a mistake, her mind told her even as she opened her arms. He snugged her up against him immediately, his arms curving into the small of her back, leaving her no course but to place her arms around his neck, and cling to him. Had any hug that had passed between them ever been so forceful? Had she ever been pressed to his chest so firmly, brushed knees with him... quite like this?

And just as she had predicted, a hug it was not to remain. His lips met hers short of roughly, pressing her back in the cradle of his arms. It wasn't as if she were not kissing him back, that was not the issue, but it was bringing back memories and longings, ones she had tried to suppress. She backed away from him, her face flirting between a frown and a neutral expression.

"Look," she sighed. "I think we both just demonstrated why this won't work."

"Can you fault me for wanting you?"

She shook her head. "Fault you? Haven't we been through this? I can't be a companion for Lauren and whatever it is you want me for, and then have you send me along on my merry way when you've found "the one!""

"I wouldn't be looking if we were in a relationship."

"But a relationship going where? We're a little past the hand holding and necking in the theater, don't you think?" He didn't answer, and that was answer enough for her. "Since this isn't working out," she implied again, "Perhaps it would be best to take a month apart, except on a professional level."

His jaw clenched. Everything was spinning out of control. Every time he tried he screwed up. He just couldn't...

"So you want to run away? Leave all your problems behind. Is that what you would do if you were married? One argument and off you go for a month?"

"What are you playing at?" she demanded. "We are not married and Lauren is not my child. We are not bound by any vow."

"Obviously," he muttered.

"I can't see why you're saying these things." She had angled herself away from him as if just that distance would make his words miss their mark. "No, I would not leave my family. I thought you knew me better than that."

"Me too. What about Lauren in your little month?"

"I don't know. But you shouldn't be so antagonistic. Between you and me we've left little choice. I have to make a choice now not to hurt any more."

"Being away from me is going to make you hurt less?" It was so totally beyond his realm of thinking.

"No, but lack of contact might. It becomes harder to wish for what you're not experiencing."

"You believe that?"

"No," she answered quite matter-of-factly. But I hoped you might. Maybe your want will be less then."

"Like it's a hill of sand to be washed away? How many years have we been working up to this?"

"Too long," she said dumbly.

"Too long to fade in a month. I can face that you don't want me around, but please don't deny Lauren. She's already lost so much."

"But what if she starts to think of me as something more?" she asked, throwing his reasoning back in his face. "Little girls are prone to ideas."

"Then we'll deal with it." This was getting ridiculous. She was tossing every reason he'd ever though back in his face, and he was suddenly the one having to fend them off. "She probably won't get any big ideas if we're not together."

"Which is why your logic of us being together was ludicrous."

He scowled. "It's not like we'd be in front of her."

"Right, of course not."

He stopped her by taking her chin in his hand. When he leaned into her she gasped, eyes closing, and certainly not moving away.

"You want this as much as I do. You know it."

"I can't play second fiddle when you find..."

"There's never going to be anyone else! Ever!"

He released her chin and stormed out leaving her alone, eyes wide.


The final argument had seemed to set things between them in stone. Her terms of separation had been upheld, and the only time he saw her outside of work was to drop off or pick up Lauren at her house. Relena would wave at him in greeting or farewell, but they had not once spoken outside of business. Lauren, for her part, did not seem to be imparting any displeasure of this to Heero. She always came home full of her adventures with Relena, occasionally returning with a book, or her hair done in a special way. He always managed to subtly perceive how Relena was doing, and the answer was generally always well. Lauren was happy, but Heero was secretly miserable. It was no consolation to him that she seemed to be getting on so well, and yet he of all people should know how adept she was at hiding what was inside. He scowled at his desk. He had work to do, and yet all he could do was sit and wonder.

If his thoughts could not get more muddled he found himself looking up from his papers as Relena entered after a quiet knock. She had the urge to go to his side and take of those glasses and kiss him senseless, but since they had pulled away she felt any advances such as that would not be welcome, and certainly in strict violation of the boundaries that she had set.

"Heero, could I have a moment?" she asked, face open.

"Sure."

"It's about Lauren. We were talking yesterday, and she suddenly asked if I could be her mommy. Heero..."

She stopped as the man in front of her stood up, stared, and started to pace.

"I'm sorry she asked you that. It's never easy with her being put on the spot."

Relena's head bowed. "I didn't give her an answer. I needed to talk with you."

"I want her to have a permanent mother," he said resolutely. "I want to give her a team effort. I couldn't stand to give her anything less."

"I understand that."

"She loves you, that much is certain. And I'm sad to see her be disappointed."

It cut her deeply to see Lauren denied as well. "Why is she being disappointed, Heero?"

"Because she wants a mother so badly, and I can't give her one."

Relena froze. It wasn't as if she could come out and volunteer. Yes, she would say, yes I'll be Lauren's mother. If he had made up his mind that she was an unsuitable candidate, what could she do?

"I wish..." there was regret in her tone. "I wish I could be there for her more."

"I know you do. I appreciate that. But you have to think of your career."

"What?" Her mind spun, a loose meteor in the wake of a planet. "What are you talking about? When this suddenly become about my career?"

"It's all it's ever been about." Liar, his mind accused. It was perhaps only a half truth. "You've been wonderful giving up time to be with her, but we both know that won't be forever."

"Oh my..." she sat suddenly. "That is why you pulled away! That's what all this has been about? You think I'm going to disappear one day and hurt her. Hurt you."

"The people..."

"The people would do just as well with someone else signing their paperwork. Besides peace all I have ever dreamed about is having a family, Heero. And you have signed me off to a life of solitude. When can this be less about my career and more about what I need and want? Tomorrow? Next week? At my funeral?"

He scowled. "Don't be stupid. It's just not logical. You'd be throwing away all you'd worked for, the position you'd attained, to marry a man who is so far below you that he can hardly see where you are standing. And taking on the responsibility of a half grown child who wasn't your own..."

"Half grown or not, she still needs love. Career and family don't need to be mutually exclusive! And certainly the very first thing we'd accomplish in our marriage would be to correct your opinion of yourself."

Her stomach did a loop-the-loop as she realized they were quite clinically discussing marriage.

"What does Relena need?" His eyes were hard, but his voice was soft.

"I need a man who could stand beside me, and support me, while I could support him. I need... children, who I could nurture and love. I need..." you, her mind finished. She reached to touch his face and gasped as he roughly grabbed her arm and drew her closer.

"You do not need me for that role. There are any number of men who would be willing to step up to the plate for you."

She tried jerking from his grip but failed. She glared.

"If you're such an expert now at what you think I need, what do you need?"

"I need... a woman who is strong. A woman who would be content to be at home, to go on trips, to wake up beside me." his voice grew lower. "I would need a woman who could fight with me and Lauren and there'd never be a doubt that love was there. I need a woman who would stay for always, and never dream of putting Lauren through a separation or divorce. Someone who accepted us, and loved us anyway."

The tears finally spilled. "And so..." she choked. "You think I can't be that for you."

"I can't ask it of you," he growled, shaking her, causing her to lean into him to keep her balance.

"I need..." I need you to.

Her lips closed over his in an act of sweet surrender. The burning he felt so close to her, it seemed to heat down to his very soul. She made a desperate sound in her throat, her hand still resting on his chest. He wanted to tear himself away from her, try to ease this terrible pressure in his chest and be able to breathe again. He couldn't remember wanting to run away from something so strongly in his life. And yet that same heat urged him to take her, press her up against this very wall, kiss that tempting mouth until all reason was gone, to have her, to master her, and at the same time master the fear she inspired.

He had tried to be rough with her, to show them both that he was in control, and had ended merely showing himself that he wasn't in control at all. He was still not in control, he never would be. He pressed back against her lightly, feeling her lips part against his, her breath warming and cooling the moisture she had left behind. The heat threatened to overtake him, and as he shifted into her, she pulled away. He stared in some form of confusion and disbelief as she stared over his shoulder, unable to look at him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to pressure you."

The sound he made was a cross between a scoff and a snarl. "For being a smart woman, you can be dense."

Using the grip of his hands he lifted her, turning her and giving in to his earlier thought, pressing her into the wall with his weight. This time it was not merely a heated mating of lips, instead he attacked with single minded ferocity that left her gasping. Her fingers wound themselves into his hair, assuring herself he wasn't going to try and pull away any time soon. His body pressed firmly to hers as the heat between them soared. The warm licking flame of before had flown higher, so blue it was blinding them both, so hot it was burning to the touch, so illuminating that all the secrets that had been hidden within before were laid bare. Need. Desire. Constancy. Love.

"Don't you see?" he begged. "Don't you understand?"

"No," she said desperately. "Help me to see."

"I need you." His eyes locked on hers. "I want you. You're all I ever wanted. You went from being what I wanted, to what I needed, and then shifting again until you were what two of us needed. How could I..." he stroked her cheek. "How could I let you go, how could I make you stay? What did we have to give that anyone else didn't? What did we do to deserve you, have to deserve you?"

"You had my love, Heero. That's all I've ever had to give you. And I want to so badly that..." her heart tore as she sobbed once, deeply, before taking control again. She had pushed him away, when all she wanted was to hold him closer. "To think that you thought I wasn't enough..."

"You can do anything you set your mind on. I thought we'd be holding you back."

She shook her head. "You'd be giving me the chance to be the very thing I long to be. I can't do that with anyone else, not ever. I can't be a wife to anyone but you, or a mother to anyone but Lauren and our children. You'd be setting me so far ahead, never back."

"You want my children?" he asked a bit bewildered.

"Until I'm screaming at you in labor pains, maybe. Of course! I want everything. A brother or sister for Lauren."

"Or both," he amended.

She laughed softly, brushing the back of her hand across her cheek. "Or both."

"Will you," he took her face in his hands. They looked right there, large against her fragile skin, but at the moment he was proud of their strength. It meant he could protect her. "Will you be with me? Will you marry me, be my wife, be a mother to Lauren, have our babies? Will you make us whole?"

When she thought that he would never ask, it was anything but an overstatement.

"Yes."


June 5, AC 210

This is my final entry, diary, the final space left in my extra special journal. It's lasted me all this time, and I've saved this page for today: my high school graduation. I don't know how much I can thank Uncle Trowa for giving me this journal, but him reminding me it's always best to live with our feelings and remember them certainly have become a motto for me.

Who would have guessed this day would come already? I don't really remember a lot about when I was small, but certainly once I came to live with Dad I remember everything was better. Sometimes when he holds me like he used to when I was little it just makes me want to cry. But it's always happy, too. Mom did my hair for today, and she cried when she put the cap on my head. I don't know what I would have done without them, Diary, I really don't. Even my little squirt of a brother gave me a card. How is it possible to love the little freckle faced imp that much? He's grown so much... I just want to hug him all day long, he's just that cute. I can't believe he's almost 10. And how he is with the baby is just precious. When I told Mom and Dad I wanted a baby sister I didn't know I'd be waiting quite this long. But she gives the two tooth smile and I know it's all been worth waiting for. I get to live at home and go to college, cause Dad would die of worry if I went away right off. I don't think he'll ever be ready to let me go, but I know right now that I'm not ready to let him go yet either. I don't want to miss days without them, or not many. They're mine. And because Daddy promised, I know they always will be.

Thanks for being there, Diary.

All my love,

Lauren


This is the end of the line for this fic, and though it's been so long since I wrote it, I still remember it fondly. I was unable to go through and edit it as I would have wished, and I have the sincerest apologies that it remains so long since I posted. My adoration for Gundam Wing has not faded, but my writing for it, it seems, is at least on hiatus. This fic was written nearly two years ago, edited from its original higher rating for but I hope it stands well on its own. And as Lauren moved on to a new stage in her life, I'll bid this fic goodbye, with all possible thanks to those who encouraged me. Thanks to all of you, and I hope it brought you enjoyment.