hey! quick chapter here! I'm trying to get a few out before i go way for a couple of days! Hopefully will be able to post one more chapter before then! Please Read And Review!
I do not own friends/characters/actors, but i would bring Matt Perry chicken noodle soup if he went crazy!
Chandler lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was a long crack that he had never noticed before. He frowned, following the crack slowly with his eyes.
Joey had left only minutes before at Chandler's insistence that he go eat something. It was not in Joey's nature to miss a meal, and Chandler wanted him to look after himself for once instead of worrying about Chandler all the time.
"Hey man." Chandler turned his head to find Ross standing in the doorway, a mug held tightly in his hands.
"Hey," Chandler said dully, turning his attention back to the roof. "What's in the mug?" Ross smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Chicken noodle soup, compliments of Chef Gellar. You hungry?" Chandler shrugged.
"A bit," he murmured.
"You want to sit up and have some?" Chandler glanced at Ross, his eyebrows raised. Ross was using his 'daddy' voice, and it made Chandler feel like Ben. He couldn't blame Ross though; he wasn't sure what he would do if one of his friends had freaked out the way he had.
"Okay." Chandler slowly sat up and took the mug from Ross. He lifted it to his lips and took a sip. Suddenly, his hunger returned with a vengeance and Chandler downed half the mug without stopping.
"Hey! Slowly!" Ross scolded, and Chandler once again felt like Ben.
"Guess I was hungrier then I thought," Chandler joked weakly, handing the mug back to Ross. His friend set it on the nightstand carefully as Chandler lay back down.
"How are you feeling?" he asked softly. Chandler shrugged again, a sudden giggle escaping his lips. He clamped his hand over his mouth,
"Sorry," he apologized after a moment. "I just feel a little…I don't know. Crazy doesn't seem like the right word, you know?" Ross nodded. He didn't know, but he decided to pretend for Chandler's sake.
"You're going to be okay Chandler," he said gently.
"Are you so sure about that?"
"How long have we known each other?"
"For a long time," Chandler whispered. Ross nodded.
"In all that time, have I ever lied to you?" Chandler shook his head.
"No," he murmured.
"No," Ross agreed. "Why would I start now?" Chandler let out another manic giggle, but didn't try to hide it this time.
"You…you wanted to talk to me? At breakfast, you said…"
"Yeah, I just wanted to…you know, apologize about yesterday. I was out of line," Ross said quietly.
"Maybe I should have listened to you," Chandler whispered. "Then I wouldn't have seen….Sarah."
"No, Chan, then you would have felt guilty. At least you tried."
"I still feel guilty," Chandler said, tears springing to his eyes. "I'm not going to cry, I can't, I won't."
Ross flinched at Chandler's mumbled words but didn't comment on it.
"This isn't your fault Chan," he insisted gently.
"Not my fault," Chandler whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. Ross also closed his eyes, but for only a moment. He hated seeing Chandler like this. What he wouldn't give to be on the receiving end of one of Chandler's jokes. He sighed, and decided to change the subject.
"So, you and Rachel are getting pretty close, huh?" he said as cheerily as he could.
"Yeah." Chandler paused, opening his eyes to glance at Ross. "Are…are you alright with that?" Ross laughed gently.
"Chandler, you don't need my permission."
"I know, but I want it," Chandler whispered.
"I'm alright with it. I admit, it's a bit weird, and I can't say I don't feel a tinge of jealousy, but Rachel and I are over; long gone. We are never going to get back together. I know that now. And plus, you guys deserve to be happy." Chandler bit his lip, turning his head away.
"I-I don't know if Rach and I are going to happen Ross," he murmured.
"What? Why not? You two care about each other!" Ross exclaimed. Chandler shook his head.
"I don't want to hurt her. I'm afraid that if I get to close to her…she's gonna get hurt. I don't want that."
"Chandler, that is crap and you know it," Ross said firmly. Chandler shook his head once more.
"Is it?" he whispered. "Everyone else is getting hurt."
"Chandler! Nicole and Sarah dying was not your fault!" Ross insisted.
"You guys are getting hurt too…I've heard you guys crying, and screaming, and yelling...over me. It may not be hurting you physically, but emotionally-"
"Chan, there is no where else that we would rather be," Ross said gently. "God, we all love you so much, and yes, you're right. It kills us to see you like this, but we want to be here! We are not going to leave you Chandler. Do you understand me?"
"I-I don't know Ross," Chandler whispered.
"Yes you do Chandler. We are going to help you, and you are going to get past this, and then everything will be like it was before. Okay?" Chandler wiped at his eyes as they started to sting.
"I can't, I won't."
"Chandler…look at me." Chandler turned his head to face Ross, a dull look on his face. "Everything is going to be okay."
"Okay," Chandler whispered.
"You want some more soup?"
"Okay." Ross helped his friend sit up, and handed him the mug. Chandler took it with shaking hands and slowly lifted it up to his lips.
"Okay. How bout we try and take a shower next, huh? What do you say?"
"Depends on what you mean by 'we'," Chandler joked weakly, smiling faintly. Ross laughed, ruffling his friends' hair gently. The old Chandler was still in there, he thought happily. Just buried under a pile of torment.
"You have a shower, I wait outside," Ross explained. Chandler's smile grew wider, and he glanced up at Ross.
"Okay," he whispered. Ross nodded.
"Okay."
Rachel sat on the couch, flipping through her and Monica's photo album. There were picture's of Chandler everywhere; laughing, smiling, joking. She took a shuddering breath, stroking one of the photos gently. His 27th birthday party, she recognised. It had been a small party, just the six of them. After the drunken shindig that was his 26th birthday party, Chandler had opted for a quieter affair this time round. They had gotten dressed up and gone to the plaza, but not before stopping for a photo. Phoebe had taken the picture, while the rest of the group had crowded around the birthday boy. Rachel smiled shakily. Chandler –looking so handsome all dressed up – was grinning at something Joey had said. Joey had his arm around Chandler's shoulder, holding him close. Rachel laughed lightly. Those two had always been inseparable. Her gaze moved to the Gellar's. Ross was standing next to Joey, grinning madly while making bunny ears above Joeys head. Monica stood in front of him, poking Joey in the side playfully. Rachel frowned, glancing at herself. She was cuddled up to Chandler, smiling up at him fondly, her hand against his shoulder. Rachel studied the look on her face in shock. It almost looked like a look of-
Had she loved him? Even back then? It was possible that she had, and just didn't know it. Rachel covered her mouth with her hand, letting a tiny sob escape.
She had. She had been in love with Chandler, even when she was with Ross. Possibly even before that. She had fantasised about him; about kissing him that night at the bar. Then there had been the dreams of them having sex on the table. She had always thought that was simply sexual attraction, but what if it had been more? God, what if she had dated Ross to subconsciously cover her feelings for Chandler? She had loved Ross sure, but never as much as she loved-
"Oh god," Rachel moaned in anguish. She had loved him all that time and now she was close to losing him. She leapt to her feet, the photo album falling to the floor; unforgotten. She was losing him. She was going to lose him. He was going to climb those fucking walls and she would lose him forever. She wasn't sure if she could handle that. No, she was certain she couldn't handle that. Another sob escaped her lips, and with it came a barrage of tears. She slowly dropped to the floor, covering her face with her hands. She couldn't watch as he slipped away. She just couldn't.
Rachel knew that she was being selfish, but she didn't care. She couldn't watch.
"I can't, I won't," she whispered, mimicking Chandler's mantra. "I can't."
Rachel stood up, and headed to the bathroom.
Chandler entered apartment 20, shutting the door quietly behind him. He had showered and then joined Ross in watching TV. Chandler was thankful that Ross had suggested a shower; he hadn't realised how gross he had felt until he had gotten under the water. There had been spots of blood up his arms, although Chandler was unsure of how it had gotten there. He had been wearing a long shirt and a jacket the night before. Shrugging his confusion away, he had washed the grime away, and scrubbed at his hands once more. The last of Sarah's blood had left him, and Chandler had smiled slightly. Both the dream and the scene the night before had faded somewhat and he was starting to feel a bit saner. Just a bit. Every now and then a tiny sob escaped his lips, but Chandler had never cried. He couldn't, wouldn't, mustn't. Sometime's a giggle left his mouth and that confused Chandler. He couldn't stop it, and he had no idea why he did it, but it seemed to sooth him somewhat.
When Chandler had left the bathroom, Ross had quickly changed the channel, looking at him worriedly. Chandler had caught a glance of what he was watching –the news- and had seen Sarah's image, for just a second. He had nearly broken down then
I'm not going to cry
but had stopped himself, and pushed the image into the back of his mind.
Ross had left not long after that, reluctantly going to see his son. As much as he loved Ben, he was sure that Chandler needed him more at that moment. Chandler had smiled and waved him away, telling him that he would be fine. Ross had nodded, but had still left unenthusiastically.
After a while Chandler had become restless and had decided to go across the hall. Joey had gone to an audition –also reluctantly – and Monica and Phoebe had gone to work, but Chandler was sure that Rachel would be home. He had considered what Ross had said and decided that his friend was right. He and Rachel cared about each other, nothing else mattered. He wasn't going to hurt her, he couldn't.
"Wouldn't, mustn't," Chandler had muttered at that thought, glancing around the girl's living room. Maybe they could go down to Central Perk, he thought, walking further into the room. He hadn't been down there for so long, and he was longing to do something normal. He had to do something to take his mind off of Sarah.
D-Don't hurt me
Chandler squeezed his eyes shut briefly, and then pushed the voice out of his head.
"Rach?" he called loudly, glancing over to her bedroom. He walked forward and noticed the photo album on the ground. He picked it up and smiled slightly. His 27th birthday. That had been a fun night, although Monica had drank too much and ended up sick for the next two days, he remembered fondly.
"Rach?" he called once more, setting the photo album gently on the couch. A noise in the bathroom caught Chandler's attention and he wandered over to the slightly ajar door. "Rachel? I'm coming in, okay?" He paused, waiting for Rachel to answer.
Wait! I'm not decent
He grinned. She would most likely say that. He waited a moment longer, then frowned. "Rach?" Silence answered him so he pushed the door open and entered.
The room was empty; Chandler noticed with bewilderment. He was sure he had heard a noise. But then, he had been hearing a few noises over the past few days, and most of them had been in his head. He shrugged and turned to leave. It was then that he noticed the pile of clothes in the corner of the room. And the shower curtain; drawn tightly around the bath.
"Rachel?" he whispered, his lower lip trembling. He could see a shadow behind the curtain, but no one answered. "Rach?" He swallowed harshly, the lump returning. He was not going to cry.
Chandler unconsciously had movedcloser and now his hand was reaching forward, as if by its own will. This was a bad idea. He didn't want to see. He should just turn and walk out. If he didn't see it, then it didn't happen, right?
Chandler's hand ignored his thoughts and with one swift motion, the shower curtain was pulled back.
An inhuman moan escaped his lips, his hand unconsciously flying to his mouth.
Rachel was lying naked in the bath, the water tinted red with her blood. Her eyes were open, staring blankly at the ceiling. Her beautiful face was ashen and her lips colourless. Her left hand was submerged in the water, but her right was propped up on the edge of the bath, blood still dripping from the slit in her wrist.
Chandler dropped to the floor, his legs unable to hold him up anymore. He whimpered, staring at her body in horror. She was dead. Oh god.
She was dead.
