Good morning campers! I trust ya'all had a lovely night! I did, i was up half the night writing this chapter and planning the next three! So please do enjoy this chapter, and i gotta say, if Chandler seems a bit out of character...well, we havent exactly seen him try to kill himself and go crazy on the show, so we dont really know how he would react! This could be IN character for him! Oh, and once again, any people with medical and/or psychology experience...i must once again say sorry for any silly little mishaps i may have written...I'm 18 and a creative writing student, not a doctor! And i must give credit to the great Johnny Depp...one of the lines in this was inspired by a quote of his. His quote was about airplane food, mine is about hospital food...see if ya can spot it! I shall post a new chapter soon! Please R&R!
I do not own friends/characters/actors, but seeing it is so cold here at the moment that my fingernails are blue, Matt Perry is here keeping me warm! Yowza!
Rachel watched Joey's face, her concern growing as each minute passed. Joey had returned half an hour ago, a shattered look on his face. He had told them what Chandler had said, and had not said anything since. Rachel wasn't sure what to think. She wanted to be angry at Chandler for hurting Joey that way, but she found that she couldn't. He was upset; he had been taking his anger out on Joey. That's what she kept on telling herself. Chandler had tried to…he had tried to kill himself and Joey had stopped him. Of course Chandler was going to be upset at Joey. He had been determined to do this; to put a stop to everything, and Joey had stopped him. If she had been in Chandler's shoes, she would have reacted the same way.
Rachel still felt sorry for Joey though. When the nurse had said that Chandler wanted to see him – not her – Rachel had been annoyed and upset. Why didn't he want to see her? But once Joey had returned, the irritation had left her. She knew why Chandler had wanted to see Joey now.
Rachel had been thinking earlier; while they had waited for Chandler to wake up. She had thought for a moment that maybe they were being selfish. Chandler's life was in disarray; he was having horrific dreams that he couldn't stop. He was losing his mind. Perhaps it would have been best if he just ended it then. Best for him anyway. But his friends had selfishly kept him alive. They loved him, and although they were devastated that he was in pain, they preferred to keep him alive – to keep him in pain – then to let him go, where he would finally be okay.
She had thought that and it had saddened her. They were being selfish. But, the way she saw it, was that they may only have a short time left with Chandler, and they should enjoy their time together while they still can. That thought was pointless, because they certainly weren't enjoying the time. In fact, she had come to loathe this situation. She had hated it before, fearing for both Chandler's sanity and his life, but now, now that his life had nearly ended and his sanity had nearly left him, Rachel loathed the situation.
She had always thought that the word 'loathe' seemed so evil. It was so much worse then the word 'hate'. But loathe fit this situation perfectly. It was evil. The fact that Chandler was in any sort of pain was downright sinful. Rachel rubbed her face with her hands, glancing at Joey once more.
He was devastated. She could see that from his face. Rachel had a feeling that Joey cared about Chandler more than anyone else in his life; more then his sisters, or even his parents. Chandler meant the world to him, and now his world had been shattered. He believed that the most important person in his life hated him, and Rachel knew that Joey was blaming everything on himself.
"H-How did he look?" she asked quietly, desperate for someone to speak. Joey looked over with sad eyes, and sighed.
"He still looked so pale, and so small and frail," Joey said softly. "And his eyes…"
"What about his eyes?" Ross asked gently.
"Well…Chandler has always had that spark in them, you know? Even through the worst of times. Even during this entire dream and brain tumour situation, there was still a bit of a spark. But that spark is gone now. His eyes are….they're dead. It's like, I don't know. It's like his spirit has died or something." Joey scrubbed at his face, and then continued. "That's what terrified me. Not the paleness, or the tears, or how small he seemed. The look in his eyes…that was the thing that got to me. Chandler is, he's gone! He isn't Chandler anymore, he's like…I don't know."
Monica reached over and took Joey's hand, rubbing his fingers gently.
"He's still Chandler, sweetie," she said softly. Joey glanced up at her, his face tight with emotion. "He's just…he's having a hard time at the moment."
"I know," he whispered.
"Rachel? Rachel Green?" Rachel looked up at the mention of her name and found Nurse Evans smiling at them.
"That's me," Rachel said warily, standing up. The nurse grinned at her.
"Chandler would like to see you," she said softly. Rachel nodded, glancing once more at Joey. He smiled desolately at her and Rachel felt a pang of grief. She smiled back, but selfishly she hoped that her visit would go better then Joey's had.
Rachel followed the blonde nurse to Chandler's room, listening to her talk on the way.
"Dr. Mackenzie is going to come in for a psych evaluation. Your friend Ross said that Chandler had talked to him before. He will probably be in either today or tomorrow. We not sure how long Chandler will have to stay here; it depends on what Dr. Mackenzie says. Dr. Phillips will also be up to check on him, see how things are going upstairs." Rachel frowned at her words; they sounded almost rehearsed. Perhaps they were. Or perhaps she had said the same thing to Joey. Rachel didn't know. She glanced at the door to room 134, feeling nervous. She wasn't sure how Chandler was going to react.
"Are you his girlfriend?" Rachel raised her eyebrows in surprise. She knew that the nurse hadn't asked Joey that question.
"I-I don't really know," she answered honestly. "I want to say yes, but we haven't really…you know, confirmed it or anything. We've had other things on our mind." Nurse Evans nodded, smiling tightly.
"Yeah, I understand," she said softly, then quickly turned back into professional mode. "Don't be surprised if he seems a bit reserved. He's been through a traumatic experience."
Rehearsed, the little voice in Rachel's head screamed. She ignored it. It didn't matter whether or not the nurse prepared for this. All that mattered was that Chandler was in the next room.
"Yeah, okay…thankyou," Rachel said softly. Nurse Evans smiled gently and opened the door.
"I'll be right out here if you need anything," she said softly. Rachel nodded.
"Thankyou," she repeated and entered the room, shutting the door behind her. Chandler had his back to her, and Rachel wondered for a moment if he was asleep. No. His breathing was different when he was sleeping. She had noticed that the first time she caught him feigning sleep. Rachel walked over to the bed and laid a hand on his shoulder. Chandler jumped, and slowly rolled over.
"Hi sweetie," Rachel whispered, smiling down at him. Joey had been right; Chandler was pale and forlorn, but the worst thing about him was his eyes. They did indeed look dead. Chandler stared at her and Rachel began to feel uneasy. Would he react the way he did to Joey? Or would he do something else entirely? Rachel glanced down at Chandler's bandaged wrist, swallowing harshly. She hadn't seen it; she didn't know how bad it was. Only Joey, Phoebe and the paramedics knew. Phoebe had told her what she had seen, but Rachel knew that what she imagined was no where near as bad as what had been. She had never been that good at imagining things. Rachel swallowed again and looked back to Chandler's face. He was still staring at her, so Rachel smiled weakly. "I missed you." Chandler's lip trembled and he grabbed her hand.
"Rach," he whimpered, pulling her closer. Rachel sat down on the bed, and used her free hand to stroke his hair.
"It's okay baby," she whispered. Chandler shook his head, tears spilling over. He didn't sob, the tears running silently down his cheeks.
"I wanna go home Rach," Chandler whimpered once more. Rachel nodded.
"I know baby, I know. I want you to come home too. But you aren't allowed to; not yet."
"Please?" Chandler pleaded. Rachel's heart broke, but she shook her head.
"I'm sorry sweetie," she whispered. Chandler squeezed his eyes shut.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed.
"For what?"
"For this! I-I had you…so worried and Joey, and Pheebs and it hurt so much, but I had to do it; I had to save you! But you guys were so worried, and I just wanted the dreams to stop…but not as much as I wanted to save you. I would have a lifetime of dreams if it meant that you guys were safe, but you guys aren't safe. I'm a fucking bad luck charm!" Rachel stared at Chandler in shock, his little outburst startling her. She hadn't expected that from him, but then, Chandler had been unpredictable as of late.
"No sweetie, you're not a bad luck charm; far from it," she soothed.
"Yes I am," Chandler whispered.
"No, you're not. If you are anything, you are a good luck charm. I can't remember the last time I had bad luck; I certainly haven't had any while I've known you."
"What about you and Ross?" Chandler asked softly. Rachel smiled.
"Well, that had nothing to do with you. If anything, Ross was the bad luck charm then," she explained. Chandler glanced down at his hands; at his wrist.
"What about…what about all this?"
"This isn't caused by bad luck Chandler. It's just….its a bump in the road," Rachel soothed. A ghost of a smile appeared on Chandler's face.
"Bump in the road," he repeated. Rachel smiled.
"Yeah. And just like a bump, we can get over it. Or we can go past it. Either way, we are going to make it through this."
"I wanna go home," Chandler whispered again. Rachel sighed.
"Soon, sweetie."
"How soon?"
"I don't know. Couple of day's maybe?" Chandler turned his head away at her words, taking a deep breath.
"I-I can't stay here…I'm so scared," he admitted. Rachel nodded.
"I know sweetie, so am I."
"Will they send me away?" Chandler asked after a moment's silence. Rachel bit her lip.
"Not if I have anything to do with it," she said firmly. Chandler nodded, then started to cry again. Rachel leaned over and hugged him, careful not to pull anything important out; namely, the IV that was attached to him.
"I don't want to be here!" Chandler sobbed into her shirt. Rachel wasn't sure if he meant the hospital or 'here' in general. She hoped it wasn't the latter. Did he still want to kill himself? She didn't know, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to know either.
"It's gonna be okay honey," Rachel whispered, kissing his forehead softly. Chandler pulled away slightly, and pressed his lips against hers; kissing her with desperation. He needed to feel comfort; to feel love. Rachel pulled away after a few moments and hugged his head to her chest, stroking his hair once more.
"Don't leave me Rach," Chandler pleaded, sounding terrified. Rachel felt his hand curl around her shirt. She pressed her lips against his forehead once more.
"I'm not going to leave you baby; not now, not ever." Chandler nodded, clinging to her.
"I'm not going to cry. I can't, I won't, I mustn't." Rachel trembled slightly, his muttered words chilling her. She hated those words. They terrified her.
"It's gonna be okay," she whispered. She wasn't sure who she was saying that to; Chandler or herself. But it worked for Chandler. He nodded, relaxing slightly. And Rachel, she wanted to believe it.
She had to.
"So, you saw Rachel, dead in the bath," Dr. Mackenzie confirmed. Rachel stared at Chandler in shock as he nodded. She hadn't been told what he had seen in the bath; she had assumed that he had seen Sarah or Nicole. But he had seen her, dead.
Rachel covered her mouth with her hand, feeling nauseous. She could only imagine what Chandler must have been going through. She could understand now why Chandler had been so upset, why he had looked at her with such a shocked look on his face. He must have been so stunned; so confused.
"Yes," Chandler said, his voice barely above a whisper. He glanced up at Rachel briefly, then went back to studying his hands. Rachel sighed. Chandler had been an array of emotions all the night before and that morning. Rachel had grudgingly left him late the night before, at persistence by the hospital staff. She hated rules. Why couldn't they have let her stay? The look on Chandler's face as she had left the room had been the main cause of her tears that night. He had looked so lost; so alone.
Rachel had worried all that night. When she was there, she could take care of him. But when she wasn't, anything could happen. Rachel was terrified that Chandler was going to try to hurt himself again.
She had arrived early that morning; her friends trailing behind her. Joey had stayed home, feeling unwelcome in Chandler's room. The group had tried to convince him to come, but Joey had been adamant. They had left him, and come to the hospital, where the other's finally had been able to see Chandler.
He had been glad to see Monica and Ross but had been a bit wary around Phoebe. Rachel was sure that he knew she had been the one to call the ambulance; the one who had made the phone call to save his life. Phoebe had understood, and stayed quiet throughout the visit.
The group had spent the morning talking about past memories; each person trying to outdo the last with their most outrageous memory. Chandler had been in good spirits, which hadn't surprised Rachel. He seemed fine when he had something to distract him; something to take his mind off of things. He had even been making jokes, but the spark was still missing from his eyes. Rachel wondered if it would ever return.
She had been slightly upset by the fact that Chandler hadn't asked where Joey was; hadn't even seemed surprised when the Italian hadn't followed them in. Rachel wasn't sure if Chandler had forgiven Joey, and figured that Joey was avoiding him, or if Chandler was still angry at him. She had a sinking feeling that it was the latter.
Breakfast had arrived late, and Chandler had stared in distaste at the mess that was his meal.
"Hospital food is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it?" he had said, making everybody laugh. He was right though. To claim that what he had on his plate was 'food' was ridiculous. His meal consisted of a rubbery poached egg, two rashers of bacon that looked a week old and a burnt piece of toast. Chandler had sighed and picked up the knife and fork, staring at them with a sardonic look on his face.
"Plastic, huh?" he had muttered. Rachel had flinched at his words. He had been given plastic cutlery as a precaution, but she knew that plastic could still do a lot of harm.
Chandler hadn't seemed upset by the knife and fork; he had seemed more amused. That had confused the rest of the group, but they had said nothing, watching as Chandler grudgingly dug into the meal. He had eaten little, but claimed that he was full. Rachel knew that wasn't true, but once again didn't say anything. Phoebe had left the room then, much to the confusion of the other's. Chandler had called out her name, sounding crushed. Rachel had assured him that she would be back, and she had returned, her arms filled with snacks. Chandler had grinned; the first smile in days that had reached his eyes. He had taken a packet of M&M's from Phoebe, kissing her cheek gratefully. Phoebe had giggled, and Rachel and the Gellar siblings had breathed a sigh of relief. Chandler had seemed a lot friendlier with the blonde after that, much to everyone's relief. He seemed to have forgiven Phoebe, and they could only hope that he would soon be able to forgive Joey.
Dr. Mackenzie had arrived soon after that, and Phoebe, Monica and Ross had quickly left the room, with a promise that they would return later. Rachel had remained; Chandler had pleaded that she did.
Mackenzie had gotten right into it, asking about the brain tumour and such, and it had all been going well until the bathtub incident had been brought up. Chandler had become reserved and twitchy, avoiding Rachel's glance as much as possible. She now knew why.
"And you thought it was real?" Dr. Mackenzie asked gently.
"I was sure it was real," Chandler murmured, picking at the blanket with his good hand. His left hand had been causing him a few problems, so Chandler had been using his right for most things; something that wasn't uncommon, seeing he was right handed. "I-I felt her skin; I could feel her! She was so cold, and…dead, and the blood. I could smell it, and feel her hair. And I held her body in my arms, and she was there!" Chandler had gone from withdrawn to agitated in a matter of seconds, causing Rachel to flinch. She hated how unpredictable and edgy he had become. "I was so scared. I thought I had lost her," Chandler finished, his voice lowering once more. He glanced at Rachel, a grim look on his face. Rachel stared back at him, still shocked by what she had just heard.
"Then what happened?" Dr Mackenzie questioned. Chandler glanced back down at his hands.
"I-I…I was crying and Rachel was holding me, and then I could still see the cuts on her wrists, and her face was split open a-and bleeding and I could see the bone and I blinked and it was gone." Chandler watched as the doctor made a note in his book. Most likely nothing good, he thought, giggling slightly. Dr Mackenzie looked up in surprise at the noise. "Sorry," Chandler said softly.
"Don't apologise," Dr. Mackenzie said gently. Chandler nodded, glancing at Rachel once more. Her face was stricken; Chandler knew that this was the first time she had heard all this. It must have been quite a shock. "So, her face returned to normal?"
"Yeah…and I don't know…I was crying and then Joey was there and I looked at him and his face was the same…only his stayed that way, no matter how much I blinked. He took me to Monica's room, and we talked for a while. His face returned to normal once Rachel entered the room."
"You and Joey talked?" Dr. Mackenzie pressed. "About what?" Chandler sighed, rubbing his face with his good hand. He then proceeded to tell the doctor about his and Joey's talk, then continued to talk about what had happened up until he had passed out –nearly died - in Joey's arms. Rachel listened intently; once again, it was the first she had heard of it. He had been terrified of losing her; not only her, but Joey and the rest of their group. Rachel frowned at the mention of the dripping blood in the fridge, and then smiled sadly as Chandler explained his thoughts at that point. He had believed –no, not believed, known – that he had lost his mind. He had been sure that his friends would die, that he was a bad luck charm, just as he had said before. He believed that, because Sarah and Nicole had died, that his friends would too…that they would die because they simply knew him. Chandler had decided that the only way to save them was to make himself disappear.
"I-I had put the knife in my closet…I hadn't been sure why I did that till that moment. I think I had known, unconsciously known what I was going to do. I had to leave them because they were going to die. I could have just moved away; left in the middle of the night and start up somewhere new, but then the dreams would have continued…and I would have been lonely. So I thought, what the hell, you know?" Chandler let out another giggle, his good hand gesticulating wildly. He seemed so at ease about the whole thing, but Rachel knew that it was a façade. So did Dr. Mackenzie apparently.
"You decided to hurt yourself because you believed that it would save your friends?"
"No, I decided to kill myself because I knew it would save my friends," Chandler answered matter-of-factly, the firm look on his face daring the psychiatrist to challenge him. Which is exactly what the good doctor did.
"Chandler, you know that isn't true."
"What do you know!" Chandler yelled suddenly, glaring at the doctor. "You study for a few years, get a degree, and suddenly you know everything? You don't know anything about me! Not a goddamn thing!"
"Chandler-" Rachel started.
"I know that you are hurting Chandler," Dr. Mackenzie said softly. "That you are doubting yourself; doubting your decision to end your life; doubting your decision to leave your friends behind. You are scared, and angry. You want the dreams to stop, but know that isn't going to happen. You claim that you tried to end your life to save your friends, but really you are using that as an excuse; you only did it to stop the dreams."
"Fuck you," Chandler snapped, his eyes finally showing some life.
"Chandler!" Rachel exclaimed, ready to reprimand him.
"Let him finish Rachel," Dr. Mackenzie told her.
"Do you really think I am that selfish?" Chandler hissed. "That I would leave all my friends, because I wanted my pain to stop? I would gladly have these dreams for the rest of my life; for the rest of eternity if it meant that my friends were okay! I don't care about the dreams, I care about them! You claim you know so much about me, yet you think that I would be that egotistical! I had to do this! I had to save them! I had to protect them!"
"By ending your life?"
"Yes!" Chandler insisted, his face flushed with anger.
"By effectively leaving your friends; going somewhere where you would never be able to protect them, never be able to save them again? What if something happened and you weren't there to save them Chandler? Because you believed that you had been doing the right thing by leaving? Or what if, you ending your life, had effected your friends in such a way that they also became self destructive, and ended up getting themselves killed? Would that be protecting them Chandler?" Rachel stared at the doctor in shock. He had hit the nail right on the head. Chandler also stared at the doctor, a blank look on his face.
"I-I…I never…I didn't think," he stammered. Dr. Mackenzie nodded.
"A human life is a very precious thing Chandler. It should not be ended before it's time. Whatever problems you are having, you can get through with help. The dreams, they are a horrible thing, but you can get past it. Your friends need you Chandler. They are not going to die because you are around. They are going to, however, be devastated if you leave them. You are a strong man Chandler. You can fight this." Dr Mackenzie stood, picking up his folder. "I'll leave you to it. I'll be back tomorrow for another evaluation, and if things go well, you may be out by tomorrow night." Chandler perked up at this, his face lighting up slightly.
"Really?"
"If things go well. And if you are given the all clear by the doctor. I'll see you tomorrow." Dr Mackenzie walked to the door and opened it, then turned around. "Oh and Chandler?"
"Yeah?" Chandler whispered.
"You really need to talk to Joey. He did a good thing, saving your life. He is not the bad guy here; you have to stop blaming him for saving you. He did what he thought he had to, and he turned out to be right." Dr. Mackenzie walked out, shutting the door gently behind him.
"He doesn't seem as cheerful as I remember," Rachel murmured, then turned to Chandler, who was looking down at his foot. His toes were tingling. "But he is right. You have to talk to Joey. And you have to get the idea that hurting yourself will help us, out of your head!" Chandler glanced at Rachel, then lay down on the bed, shutting his eyes. "Chandler?"
"I'm tired," Chandler muttered. Rachel sighed, and grabbed his good hand.
"Just think about what Dr. Mackenzie said, alright?"
"Okay," Chandler said meekly, his eyes staying closed. He shook his foot, trying to get rid of the tingling sensation.
"Okay. I'm going to go check on the other guys. I'll be right back, okay?"
"Okay," Chandler repeated, his voice sounding far away. Rachel sighed again, then placed a kiss on his brow. Chandler waited until she had left the room before opening his eyes once more. He glanced at his still tingling foot, and then moved his attention to his right hand. It was twitching without mercy. Chandler frowned, lifting his hand closer to his face. He watched it jerk and shake for a moment, then let it drop back down to the bed. He would deal with that later, he thought as he shut his eyes. He would deal with everything later.
He needed his sleep.
