Hi! First off, i gotta say thankyou for all the wonderful reviews! Man, oh man, it was a review overload! To quote Jim Carrey 'they love me, they really love me!" hehe. Leondra, thankyou, and i agree...chapter 16 was one of my fave chapters too...although it was a bitch to write! But the ones that are hardest to write usually turn out to be the best! Lauren...sniff, what can i say? You've stuck by me through thick and thin, i just gotta say...i love you...ahem okay enough of all this! I'm being ridiculous...I'll say my thankyou's at the end...which is sadly getting near...i want to finish it buti dont!

Okay, this chapter is heller long, and I;m aching all over from sitting at the computer all day, but it was worth it! I really hope you like this chapter, cause i nearly died writing it! I gotta say sorry for any mistakes, i didnt get around to reading it thoroughly to check for anything that spell check wont pick up...so if you see anything, just smile and nod, and continue okay! thankyou! Please read, and please continue with the wonderful reviews! I will try to post the next chapter...tomorrow i guess! when i finish it! Toodles!

I dont own friends/characters/ actors, but I am willing to wrestle lupins moon over who is more obsessed with Matt's birthday! I WILL FIGHT YOU HONEY!


He should have known.

Should have seen it. Should have figured something was different.

Well, he had figured it out, but it had taken too long.

Joey had been confused, like always. He had wondered why it had taken so long for Chandler to say goodbye, just so he could go get a sweater.

Joey had seen the lingering looks that Chandler had given each one of them; the pained look on his face as he watched them. That was the look of a man who was never going to return.

Joey had seen the sadness in Chandler's eyes as he stared at Joey; heard the strain in his voice as he spoke. He had seen Chandler take in every aspect of Monica's face, and the sad smile on his face as he did so.

Joey had seen the grief in Chandler's expression as he looked at him. Intermixed with that grief were a longing look, and a sense of pride. Chandler was proud of Joey; he didn't express it much, but Joey had always known. He had been confused as to why Chandler was expressing it at that moment, and wondered if Chandler was even aware that he was doing it.

Joey had watched Chandler stare at him for a long moment, and had wondered what his friend was thinking. That moment had continued, and Joey had felt the need to interrupt it. He knew that if he didn't, Chandler may have stood there for hours, just staring. His friend had been a bit spacey as of late.

Joey had seen the love in Chandler's eyes as he looked at Rachel. He had seen the heartbroken look on his face, and the way Chandler's lip had trembled. He had watched his friends' hand touch Rachel's hair, and the heartbreak had deepened. Chandler had smiled, and Joey had frowned. He knew Chandler's smiles, knew all of his expressions. That smile had been forced, and full of sorrow.

Chandler had kissed Rachel then, and while Rachel had been smitten and Monica had been feigning happiness, Joey had been perplexed. Chandler had been known to express his feelings in public, but never like that. He would hold hands, hug and give little kisses, but Joey had never seen Chandler kiss anyone like that before; no matter how much he loved the girl. Joey was confused as to why he would choose that moment, especially since he was only leaving to grab a sweater. He would be back almost immediately.

Chandler had stared at Rachel for a moment longer then necessary, savouring her appearance. And then he had been gone. Rachel had sat back down, a small smile on her face, and Monica had playfully poked her in the side, trying hard to appear happy for the two. Joey, meanwhile, had been running everything that had just happened through his brain.

Joey had always been slower then everyone else; always the last to figure things out. He knew that he wasn't as smart as everybody else in the group and he had come to terms with that; happily being on the receiving end of many of Chandler's jokes. He had never minded being slower then the rest.

Until that day.

Had Chandler been in his shoes, and Joey been in Chandler's, it would have been a different story. Chandler would have realised something was amiss before Joey had even left the apartment. Chandler would have insisted on coming with him; making sure nothing was going to happen. Chandler would have known.

But Joey wasn't Chandler. He was on his own. He knew something was going on but he wasn't sure what. And it was making his head hurt trying to figure it all out.

It didn't take long for Joey to get frustrated with himself, and he had become desperate to figure out the problem. He knew that the only way he was going to do that would be to either sit there and think it through – for a long time – or go and talk to Chandler. He had chosen the latter option, and had told the girls he was going to grab a sweater for himself. They had waved him off, still occupied with the kiss that Chandler had planted on Rachel.

Joey had slipped into apartment 19, and headed straight for his bedroom. It had been a while since Chandler had left, but he was most likely still in the room; most likely spacing out once more. Joey had been surprised to find the room empty.

He had walked out, perplexed, and called Chandler's name. There had been no answer, and the bathroom was empty. Joey had glanced at Chandler's closed door, swallowing the lump in his throat. That was the only place Chandler could have been, and it worried him. Chandler had barely been able to look at the room, so it seemed odd that he would actually go in there.

Joey had swallowed once more and had opened the bedroom door.

Once again, he had been surprised to find the room empty. Empty, except for a piece of paper on the bed. Joey had picked it up and read it, his heart sinking lower and lower with each word that passed.

Don't hate me, don't be angry. Don't mourn me, but don't forget me. I had to do it. I had to. I had to save you guys and I had to be free. Don't hate me, and don't forget me.

I'm sorry.

Joey had let the note fall back down to the bedcover, his mind racing. Chandler was going to kill himself. He was going to try and end his life again. Joey should have realised, he should have seen it coming. Chandler had taken so long to say goodbye, he should have realised. Should have known that he was saying goodbye forever. He should have-

"Shit," Joey had whispered, glancing frantically around the room. He had no idea what good that would do, but he wasn't sure what else there was to do. Besides the obvious. He had to save Chandler; had to stop him. He was not going to let his friend die, not when he should have known. Not when he should have been there to stop him; to prevent him from even leaving the note. Prevent him from trying to harm himself once more.

Joey had to save him. That one thought had been repeating through his head, faster and faster with each round. He had to save Chandler. But he had no idea where his friend was.

He wasn't in the apartment, and wasn't in the girls apartment. Where else could he go to-

Joey had always prided himself with knowing Chandler well; knowing him better then anybody. He had always seemed to know what Chandler was thinking, and what he was going to choose, when life handed him a decision to be made. So Joey had been frustrated that he hadn't known what choice Chandler had made this time.

He had taken a few deep breaths, to calm himself down and rushed into the kitchen. All the knives were still there. They didn't have a gun. All of Chandler's pills were still there, Joey had noticed as he picked one of the containers up. He had searched his mind; trying to think of any other way that Chandler could kill himself.

The roof.

He was going to jump.

The pills had dropped to the ground, the door slamming shut as Joey sprinted out the apartment. He had screamed Chandler's name as he started up the stairs, hoping that his friend would hear his voice and stop.

Chandler apparently hadn't stopped, because Joey didn't run into him as he rushed up the flights of stairs. He had stopped at the door, apprehension overtaking him. What if he was too late? What if Chandler had already-

Joey had shaken his head. He couldn't think like that. Chandler was going to be okay. Chandler was going to be fine. Joey had to save him. He had to.

Joey had opened the door, and his heart had stopped. Chandler had been standing on the edge; his arms spread wide, the blanket creating the illusion that Chandler had wings. He wasn't dead yet, but he was about to be.

"No," Joey had whispered, starting forward. He had heard Chandler murmur something, and then his friend had stepped forward. "No!"

Joey hadn't even realised that he had screamed. He hadn't even realised that his body had moved, but it had. He had lunged forward, throwing his body desperately towards the edge. He wasn't going to make it. Too much time had passed. He had failed. He wasn't going to make it. Chandler was going to die.

Those thoughts had rushed through Joey's mind and he landed on his stomach, pain coursing through his body. He had ignored the pain, his hand automatically reaching forward.

Somehow, some way, Joey's hand had snagged the blanket. It hadn't seemed possible. Too much time had passed; Chandler should have fallen to his death, while his best friend watched helplessly. But somehow, Joey had grabbed the material. Somebody must have wanted Chandler to live.

Joey had watched Chandler for a moment, watched the confusion on his face. He had watched the blood trickling down Chandler's cheek and he had watched as Chandler's expression had changed. Joey had suddenly realised what Chandler was going to do, seconds before Chandler had even realised it.

At the same moment Chandler let go, Joey had also let go. Once again, he should have missed, but once more, his hand had done the impossible. Chandler had screamed as Joey had grabbed his arm, the scream cutting through Joey painfully. He had hurt his friend, Joey had thought at the time. He didn't care that he had done it saving Chandler from killing himself. That hadn't mattered.

Joey had hurt Chandler. And once more, he had stopped Chandler from doing what he wanted. He had known that Chandler was going to be upset, that he was going to scream, going to yell, and going to plead; going to plead with Joey to let him go. Joey had known. But it still hadn't prepared him. He had been terrified; listening to Chandler telling him to let go. Chandler had wanted this so much, wanted to die so much. But Joey hadn't let him. He couldn't lose his friend, it was unacceptable. Chandler couldn't die. He couldn't, wouldn't, mu-

"Joey, you have to stay still!" Monica insisted, bringing him back to the present. Chandler was alive. Joey hadn't let him die. Everything had worked out. The girls had found the note and pulled Chandler off of him. Chandler had passed out. Joey had carried him downstairs; put him in Rachel's bed. Ross and Phoebe had come over. Ross had gone to call Dr. Mackenzie, and Monica had insisted on helping Joey. Insisted on causing him more pain.

"It hurts," Joey muttered, flinching once more.

"I know it does sweetie, but I have to do it," Monica said firmly, dabbing once more at the cuts on his face. Joey sighed, trying to stay still.

"Chandler really did a number on you, didn't he?" Phoebe said softly, watching as Monica attended to Joey's wounds. She had been horrified to learn what had happened, horrified to hear that Chandler had once more tried to end his life. She didn't want to lose him, she couldn't. It was hard for her, harder then she ever thought it could be. She had never realised how much she cared. Not until Chandler had started to hurt. It reminded her…and it hurt her.

"Yeah…yeah, he did," Joey murmured, glancing towards Rachel's room. She was in there with him, sitting with him. Joey felt a hint of jealously run through him. He wanted to be in there with Chandler. He knew that Rachel was Chandler's girlfriend, and had every right to be in there, but he was his best friend. He had to see him again, had to make sure he was okay still.

"Are you okay?" Phoebe asked quietly. Joey shrugged, wincing as Monica moved her ministrations to his arm. The three of them stared down at his arm, looking at the long scratch marks that covered it.

"What happened here?" Monica questioned, frowning as she dabbed at the deep grazes. They looked a bit like-

"Fingernails…he really wanted me to let go," Joey whispered. Monica looked away, anguish covering her face.

"H-He really wanted this, didn't he?" she said after a moment. Joey nodded, glancing at Phoebe. She looked lost. Joey wasn't sure if he had ever seen her look like that before, but he knew she must have at one point. Perhaps before they met. Perhaps when her mother-

"Are you okay Pheebs?" he asked. She looked at him, surprised.

"Why are you worried about me? I'm not his best friend here. I wasn't the one holding him up," she reminded him.

"I know…it's just, I know how you feel about …about suicide," he murmured. Phoebe sighed.

"Yeah…I know. It's just…well, it was really bad the first time… you know, the other day with his wrists," she whispered. "When I walked in there, and saw all the blood, and I could hear him screaming, and he wanted to die so much…it just, it really hurt. And I just kept thinking, 'I can't lose another person I love, not like this again'."

Joey nodded, taking her hand. It was a rare occasion to hear Phoebe talk so seriously, and he knew that she must have been hurting.

"But then he was okay, and I called the ambulance, you know? So it was like, it felt like I sort of saved his life. And it made me feel like I had done something useful. But then he was angry with me. He didn't say anything, but I know that you guys saw it too right?" Phoebe glanced from Monica to Joey.

"I had been kicked out by the time you were allowed in there," Joey said glumly.

"I saw it Pheebs. But he forgave you," Monica said softly.

"I know, but it was still…I didn't feel right being around him. I acted like I was fine, but I really wasn't. That's why I haven't been around much. I haven't been working; I've been sitting in my apartment. And today it was like, 'oh, I don't have problems, I'm not the one trying to kill himself, why am I acting like I have it so bad?' So I decided to come over here, and come and see him. But, you know, it happened again. And I should be upset for Chandler, and I am. But, really, I am just feeling sorry for myself." Phoebe glanced down at her hands, a tear running down her cheek.

"I didn't know you felt that way, sweetie," Monica murmured. Phoebe nodded.

"Yeah, well…like I said, compared to Chandler, I don't have any problems. He sees people dying, he blames himself, and he has a brain tumour. Oh, and he's tried to kill himself…twice. Compared to that, I have nothing. I'm normal. I don't have any problems, but still, my brain keeps telling me I do, telling me to be sorry for myself."

"We all have problems Phoebe," Joey said after a moment. "Our friend is hurting. That is our problem. We have to find a way to help him, a way to make him stop hurting. So, don't think you are the only one here. We are all feeling a little bit sorry for ourselves, and we all-" Joey interrupted himself with a little yelp, as Monica once again started to tend to his wounds. "Damnit Monica!"

"Sorry," she muttered. "But he's right Phoebe."

"Thanks guys," Phoebe said, smiling slightly. "Now, you didn't answer me before Joey. Are you okay?"

"No," Joey said honestly. "My…my best friend was just hanging off of a building, pleading with me to let him go, and then beating the crap out of me. I mean, I'm fine with getting the crap beat out of me, but Jesus…Chandler tried to kill himself again!" he sighed, scrubbing his face with his hand. "But, he's okay now. Chandler is alive, that's all that matters, right?"

"Right," Phoebe agreed.

"But he was so angry. He wanted this so much! I'm terrified that he is going to try something again. He still thinks that he is helping us! He is sure that he is protecting us. He called me selfish. And I think he is right."

"Joey, you did the right thing," Monica insisted.

"Did I?"

"Chandler is alive, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't want to be. He is convinced we are going to die now. I'm sure, in his mind, that I am selfish. That I saved him at the expense of our lives, just because I wanted him to live. Just because I couldn't bare the thought of losing him. And, really, how alive is he?"

"What do you mean?" Phoebe asked.

"He's lost it. He's not Chandler anymore. He is different. He doesn't want to live, and if he had his way, he wouldn't be living. And I'm scared that, either way, he is going to die. Either he is going to end up killing himself…or he is going to completely lose it, and…and we are going to lose him. He might as well be dead."

"Joey, Chandler is alive…that's the important thing," Phoebe said softly.

"They're going to take him away from us, aren't they?" Joey asked, glancing at Monica.

"It's possible," Monica answered after a moment. "Dr. Mackenzie was thinking about committing him before he even tried to…to hurt himself the first time. Now it's happened twice."

"But…they can't take him away. He wouldn't want that! And how are we supposed to look after him if he's gone!" Joey exclaimed.

"Joey, he needs help," Monica reasoned, the words killing her as she said them. "He needs to be in a place where they can help him. We can only do so much for him, he needs professional help now. They can take care of him better then we can, and they can make him better again."

"But…" Joey started, but knew it was useless. Monica was right. Chandler needed help. And as much as they wanted to, they couldn't help him. Not anymore.

The door opened, and Ross walked in. He had used the phone in apartment 19, not wanting to discuss Chandler in front of his friends. He knew that the talk would not be pleasant, and he was right. He hadn't wanted to hear what Dr. Mackenzie had said, as much as it was true. He hadn't wanted to hear it, and he sure as hell didn't want his friends to hear it. But they had to.

Before leaving, Ross had gone into Chandler's room. He had helped clean it up. Only he, Joey, Phoebe and Chandler had known what it looked like. He was glad that Monica and Rachel hadn't seen. It was bad enough that Phoebe had. And Joey. And him.

Ross hadn't wanted to return to the room, but he had to read the note. Chandler had written it, and Joey, Rachel, and Monica had read it. It seemed only right that he read it as well. And Phoebe. But Phoebe really didn't need to read it. Ross didn't want to subject her to a suicide note. She had never read the one her mother had left, and Ross thought it seemed right that she never read this one as well. Phoebe was strong, but even she had her weaknesses.

Ross hated thinking that the girls had read this; that his little sister, who cared for Chandler more than she admitted, had read it. He hated that the woman that he had once loved – perhaps still loved- had read the note, read the suicide note from the man she now loved. He hated thinking that Joey, who considered Chandler to be the most important person in his life, had read it.

And now, Ross hated that he had read it. It was short and simple, with nothing really scary about it. But the words still terrified Ross to his very core. Chandler had tried to do it again. Ross had never felt this helpless or lost in his entire life. Chandler was his best and oldest friend, and he couldn't help him. He knew that he would never be able to hear any of the words written on that little piece of paper without feeling pain. Chandler had nearly died, and Ross didn't know what to do about that. He didn't know what to feel; what to think; what to do. All he knew was that Dr. Mackenzie had some sort of a plan. He hated the plan, but knew it was necessary. Chandler needed help.

Ross had torn up the note on the way out of Apartment 19, making sure that it was unreadable. He had tossed it in the trash, and had gone over to the girls apartment; gone to give his friends the bad news.

"I talked to Dr. Mackenzie," he said as he walked over to the couch. He glanced at Rachel's bedroom, sighing.

"And?" Joey prompted. Ross sighed again.

"We're taking Chandler in tomorrow morning," he said softly.

"For how long?" Joey asked. He knew that they had to. He knew that Chandler needed help. But he still didn't want it.

"Indefinitely," Ross whispered. Joey frowned.

"What does that mean?"

"For as long as it takes. Until he's better," Ross explained. Joey bit his lip, staring down at his hands.

"Oh my god," Monica whispered, fighting the tears that were trying to escape.

"What if he's never better?" Joey asked after a moment. Ross didn't answer. He didn't have to. Joey knew what would happen if Chandler was never better.

"Chandler hit his head," he said suddenly, desperate to change the subject. "He was bleeding."

"I know sweetie, Rachel took care of it," Monica said softly, glancing up from her hands.

"Good," Joey whispered. "It's the least we can do…He's gonna be okay, right?"

"Of course," Phoebe soothed, patting his hand. She wasn't sure if that was true, but she said it anyway. They had to believe it. "He's gonna be just fine. You'll see. He just needs a bit of help."

"Okay," Joey murmured. He glanced up at Rachel's room again, once more wishing he was in there. "Okay."


Rachel ran her hand down Chandler's clothed arm, watching his face intently. He was awake, she was sure of it. He had been asleep at first, but he was awake now and feigning sleep. She had seen him asleep, and it was different. When Chandler was asleep, he did cute little things like twitching his lip or nose, and making little noises, his breath sometimes regular, and other times uneven. His eyes would constantly move underneath his lids, a sure sign that he was dreaming. Chandler was always moving in his sleep; very rarely did you see him completely still. But he apparently wasn't aware of that, so when he was faking sleep he would stay still and even out his breathing.

He was doing that now, and that was how she was sure he was awake. When he had first been brought in here, he had been twitchy and moving, but that had stopped about ten minutes beforehand. When their friends had been discussing his fate.

Rachel had heard what Ross had said, heard about what was happening tomorrow morning. She hadn't cried; she had felt numb. Like it wasn't real. She couldn't understand why this was happening to Chandler; why this was happening to them. She wished that this had happened to anyone but Chandler and she didn't feel the least bit guilty for thinking that. Terrible things were happening to people all over the world, and she didn't feel bad about that. She just simply ignored it, like everyone else did, and prayed that it didn't happen to her or someone she loved. Survival was important to her and important to everyone else in the world. Most would do anything to save themselves. It wasn't selfish, it was human.

So she went on with her life, surviving and hoping that it would never happen to her. But it had; someone she loved was hurting, and her survival instinct was coming into play once more. Anyone but Chandler. She couldn't bear to lose him.

Rachel shook her head, clearing her jumbled thoughts. She didn't want to lose him, but she knew that Monica was right. Chandler needed help. That was the most important thing. Him going away, going off with Dr. Mackenzie, was the worst case scenario, but-

No, that wasn't true. The worst case scenario was Chandler dying. Or Chandler slipping away from them. Rachel never being able to talk to him again; never being able to kiss him, to hold him, to love him. Never being able to see his blue eyes again.

Rachel knew that Chandler had to go; that he had to get help. But still, it killed her. She wanted more then anything to be able to help him, be able to hold him in her arms and keep him safe from the world.

But that wasn't going to happen. As much as she cared about him, as much as she loved him, she couldn't help him. Not anymore. She hated that she couldn't, but it was the truth.

Rachel sighed, pulling the covers closer around her and Chandler. She wished that he would open his eyes and look at her, but she knew that he wasn't ready to do so. He was probably trying to figure everything out, trying to come to terms with what had just happened. Perhaps he had even heard their friends talking about him, and was running that through his head. She knew that Chandler hated the thought of being taken away; going to a place like he was going to tomorrow, but it couldn't be helped.

Rachel studied Chandler's still face, biting her lip thoughtfully. Perhaps he was talking to himself again, arguing with himself once more. She knew it was normal for people to talk to themselves, but not in the manner that she was sure Chandler had been doing. It hurt Rachel to admit it, but Chandler was no longer sane. He had climbed those walls –as high as they were- and was stuck up there, without a way to get down; to jump down without hurting himself. Rachel wished she could be the one to help him down, but that wasn't going to happen. He had already tried to jump down one wall today, and look how that had ended. Better then it could have, but still.

Rachel couldn't believe that Chandler had tried to do it again. That note had been the most terrifying thing she had ever read; more terrifying then The Shining.

She and Monica had waited for Joey and Chandler to return, and soon had become restless. Monica had suggested they go and find them, but all they had found was the note. They had panicked, the thought of losing Chandler haunting them. It had taken a moment, but Monica had deduced that they were most likely on the rooftop. They had rushed up there, and were met with a scene that, although not as bad as it could have been, was still pretty horrible.

Why! Why couldn't you let me go! Selfish! Selfish! You bastard! You stupid, selfish bastard! Why!

Rachel closed her eyes, remembering Chandler's angry words and the way he had furiously been hitting Joey, over and over again.

You fucking asshole! She's going to die now! You all are! Why! You fucking bastard! You stupid cun-

Rachel and Monica had rushed over and grabbed Chandler, pulling him back with all their might. It had been a struggle, but they had managed to haul Chandler off of his best friend. He had struggled, but stopped when Rachel had screamed his name. She had watched as he whimpered incoherently, his sentences leading into one another, never finishing, never making any sense.

And then he had passed out, going limp in the girl's arms. Joey had sat up, his faced bruised and bloody, and Rachel had briefly thanked God that he didn't have any auditions coming up. She had no idea why she had worried about that when there had been much more pressing issues, but her worrying about Joey's career had kept her from thinking about what had just happened.

Chandler had tried to kill himself once again. She had gone numb at that moment, and had been feeling that way ever since. The thought of Chandler dying was too much to handle, so she tried to deftly ignore it.

Joey had picked Chandler's unconscious body up gently, ignoring the pain that shot through his body and the girl's insistence that they help him. He had carried his best friend downstairs, and placed him in her bed, and then explained, at Monica's urging, exactly what had happened up there, Phoebe and Ross joining them.

Rachel had listened, but hadn't really heard. She knew what he had said, but her brain didn't really comprehend at that moment. It took her a while to comprehend and it hurt, but she didn't cry.

Monica had dragged Joey away, to fix his wounds, and Phoebe and Ross had left her alone. Rachel had climbed into bed with Chandler, and gently tended to the cut on his temple. Thankfully, the blood had given the illusion that it was worse then it actually was. It was just a small abrasion and wouldn't need stitches.

Thank God, Rachel thought. He had too many stitches in him as it was. Her glance shifted towards Chandler's covered wrist, resting on the pillow next to his head. She reached over and pulled his sleeve back, then grimaced at what she saw.

Chandler's wrist was a mess. Half the stitches had been pulled out, and the wound was raw and angry. She bit her lip to stop from crying. He had done that. He had done that to himself.

"Having fun?" Rachel jumped at the flat voice, pulling her hand back. Chandler didn't open his eyes, didn't give any indication that he was awake, except for his voice.

"Finally decided to stop pretending that you were sleeping?" she said gently.

"You knew?"

"I always know," she whispered. Chandler rolled over, his back now facing her. Rachel sighed.

"You must be pretty mad at us," she said after a moment.

"You must be pretty mad at me," Chandler shot back. Rachel shrugged.

"I told you not to do anything again," she said softly.

"And I told you I had to do this." Rachel nodded, even though he couldn't see her. "I guess we're even then. Neither of us listened. Bad communication. That isn't good in a relationship, especially one as new as ours," Chandler murmured. Rachel smirked, then gently grabbed his arm and rolled him onto his back. Chandler didn't fight her.

"Yeah, I guess it is," she muttered. Chandler nodded, his eyes still shut. "Open your eyes sweetie."

"Why?"

"Because I miss them," she said softly.

"And you won't be able to see them for a while?" Chandler whispered. Rachel sighed once more.

"You heard?"

"Yes," he said shortly. Rachel nodded.

"Open your eyes," she said again. Chandler did as he was asked, looking at her with dull blue eyes. They looked the same as they did when he had been in hospital, after the first time. Over the last couple of days, his eyes had started to regain some of their spark, but they were now dead once more.

"You must be pretty mad at us," she repeated her earlier comment.

"I'm not mad at you," Chandler said in a quiet voice.

"Are you mad at Joey?" she asked after a moment. Chandler said nothing, but his jaw tightened. Rachel nodded again.

"Are you mad at me?" he questioned. Rachel shrugged.

"I don't really know," she admitted. It was Chandler's turn to nod.

"I'm mad at me," he said after a beat.

"Why?"

"Because I failed," Chandler whispered. "And now you are going to die."

"Chandler, no one is going to die," Rachel insisted.

"That's not what he says," Chandler rebutted.

"He? Who's 'he'?" Rachel asked, confused. "Who has been telling you that Chandler? Who said that you are killing us?"

"Never mind," Chandler muttered, starting to roll over. Rachel grabbed his arm.

"Who?" she hissed, suddenly angry. Someone had been telling him lies. But he hadn't spoken to anyone except for them. And-

Me - crazy wrist slasher - talking to myself. You think that's surprising?

"Did…did the voice in your head tell you?" she asked timidly, fearing the answer.

"Yes," Chandler whispered. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, stopping the tears that threatened to fall.

"Chandler…baby, the voice is wrong," she said after a moment. Chandler shook his head, glancing at her.

"He's never wronged me before," he said softly. Rachel let out a sob, and Chandler frowned. "It's okay Rach."

"No, it's not," she whimpered. "The voice is wrong Chandler. We aren't going to die." Chandler's frowned deepened, and he rolled away once more.

"He's never wronged me before," he repeated, more to himself this time. Rachel sat up, and roughly rolled Chandler back over.

"You listen to me Chandler Bing," she whispered. "You said it yourself. You are losing it. As much as I hate to admit it, it's true. You've climbed your walls."

"I know," Chandler said after a beat. Rachel nodded.

"I know you know. But let's think about it. Who should you believe? The voice in your head; the one that isn't exactly thinking straight at the moment? Or your sane friends, and professional psychiatrist that is trying to help you?"

Chandler said nothing, but Rachel could see the confusion in his eyes.

"You need help sweetie," she murmured. "You just need a bit of help, and then you will be fine. You can come back home, and we can live the rest of our lives together."

"Until my brain tumour kills me," Chandler added, his voice tedious. Rachel hesitated, and then nodded.

"Yes….but that won't be for a very long time," she insisted. "You are going to live for a long time baby, I'm sure of it."

"Except I'm not," Chandler whispered. Rachel shook her head.

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not…I have to die Rach."

"Damnit Chandler!" Rachel yelled suddenly, hitting his arm in frustration. "You don't have to die! We are going to be fine! That voice in your head is full of shit! You are not going to die, we aren't going to let you, so you better get used to that fact."

"I don't want to hear it," Chandler snapped, rolling over. Rachel set her jaw angrily, glaring at his back. "You can preach, you can yell, you can cry Rach, but I know what I know. Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I can't make my own decisions."

"I-I can't let you die Chandler," Rachel whispered, his words making her anger disappear. She suddenly felt old, like she had aged a lifetime in the span of 20 seconds. "I can't sit by and wait for you to kill yourself. You can believe that the voice is right, but I'm here to tell you that it's not. Me. Rachel. The woman who cares about you more then anything. Would I lie to you baby?"

"No," Chandler said softly, after a beat.

"No," Rachel agreed.

"Would my mind lie to me?" Chandler asked after a moment. Rachel sighed.

"Y-Yes, I think it would. A lot of people's minds lie to them; tell them things that aren't true. Like when you saw me in the bath. That wasn't real, was it?"

"It could be."

"But it wasn't."

"It wasn't," Chandler admitted.

"So, isn't there a chance that your mind is lying to you?" Rachel said gently. There was a long pause.

"Maybe," Chandler said in a small voice. "But…it's so persistent. It's hard not to believe it. It is so persuasive."

"I know sweetie," Rachel whispered, lying down once more. Chandler let out a sudden sob, rolling back over to face her. He had a shattered look on his face.

"I don't know anymore Rach," he sobbed. "I'm so fucking confused. I thought I had everything figured out; thought that everything my brain was telling me was right, and then you come and tell me it's all wrong? I-I don't know! I can't think of what day it is, what happened yesterday, what I was thinking a few minutes ago. I-I'm getting information from everywhere, and it's all different! I don't even know what's real and what isn't!"

"I know baby, I know," Rachel whispered once more. "But everything is going to be fine! You can just spend a bit of time with Dr. Mackenzie-"

"But I don't want to!" Chandler shrieked suddenly. Rachel flinched, and then continued.

"But it will help. And then you won't be confused anymore. Everything will be fine. You have to trust me sweetie."

"I-I always trust you," Chandler stammered. Rachel smiled, and took his hand. She kissed his palm gently.

"Do you remember last night?" she asked softly. Chandler paused, and then nodded. "I thought you would. That was real. You and me. That is real. You know that?"

"Yes…that's why I had to do it," Chandler whispered. "To protect you."

"Is that what the voice said?"

"Yeah."

"The voice is wrong baby. You have to believe that. Even if you don't now, you will soon. I'm going to be fine."

She's wrong. Rachel is smart, Rachel is beautiful, and we love her. But she is wrong.

Chandler shook his head at the voice.

She said that you are wrong.

What does she know? She isn't in here! She's not the one who is having crazy dreams. Not the one that is a bad luck charm. Chandler. Trust me. I'm right. I'm always right. Rachel has lied to you before. I'm sure that she has. But I haven't. I would never lie to you Chandler, never wrong you in any way. You know that, don't you?

"Chandler?" Chandler jumped at the sound of his name, and glanced at Rachel sheepishly.

"Sorry," he murmured.

"It's okay," she said softly. "Was…was the voice talking to you again?"

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"That you were wrong," Chandler whispered. Rachel sighed.

"But I'm not."

"Okay," Chandler murmured, but he wasn't sure if he believed her. Wasn't sure who to believe.

Doubt? You doubt Rachel? See? You don't believe her entirely. That is the first step to realising she is wrong…you still hate Joey, don't you?

I don't know.

Yes you do Chandler. Even if I am wrong, which I am not, killing yourself would have gotten rid of the pain that you are going through. You said it yourself, and you told him, that if he wronged you again, it would be unforgivable. Well, guess what Sparky? He wronged you again. He didn't listen to you. Didn't let you go. Even if I am wrong, Joey still wronged you. And that is unforgivable. We despise him Chandler. He is selfish. We despise him. Remember hitting him Chandler? That felt so good. I think you've wanted to do that for years, haven't you? And screaming at him the way that you did, I think it really got to him! He deserved it though. Selfish. He is selfish. We despise him…and seeing you haven't interrupted me, I think you agree.

"What are you thinking baby?" Rachel asked gently. Chandler shrugged.

"I don't really know," he murmured. "A lot of things. Nothing. Everything."

Rachel nodded, and Chandler could see the hurt in her eyes.

You're upsetting her Chandler. She would be better off without you. Better off with somebody else. Anybody else. If you love her, you will leave her. She's going to die anyway. She deserves better then you. You have to leave her. If you love her, you will. You're hurting her Chandler. You don't deserve her.

"Shut up!" Chandler shrieked, causing Rachel to jump.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"It's okay," Rachel murmured. She stroked his arm gently, and then took his hand, careful of his injured wrist. "Please don't try to hurt yourself again Chandler. I-I can't lose you."

"Okay," Chandler whispered, although he wasn't sure if he was being truthful. He had thought for a while last time that he wouldn't hurt himself again, that he would listen to her. But then everything had changed.

You are going to hurt yourself again Chandler. You should know that by now. You are going to do it; again and again and again, until you get it right. Otherwise they will die. Rachel deserves better. We despise Joey. You have to die. Rachel is hurting because of you. You want the truth? You have to jump Chandler. It's the only way.

Chandler shook his head. The voice seemed to be jumbling everything together, and it was confusing him, more so then usual.

"W-What time," he whimpered, the voice and the subject bringing out his emotions once more.

"'What time' what sweetie?" Rachel asked softly.

"What time tomorrow?" he whispered.

"I-I don't know baby. Probably pretty early."

"I want the voice to stop Rach. I don't like it."

"I know. I want it to stop too," Rachel murmured.

"It's telling me things…and it's like I can't fight it. I want to, but I can't."

"Dr. Mackenzie can help get rid of it." Chandler nodded.

"Okay."

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You can't get rid of me Chandler. I'm you, you have to remember that. To get rid of me…well, you know that there is only one way to do that. And by doing that, it takes care of a lot of other problems too! Rachel dying, Monica, Ross, Phoebe. Not Joey though. We despise Joey.

We despise Joey, Chandler found himself agreeing. He didn't want to, but he found he couldn't control it.

Good. He wronged you. It's unforgivable. At least you know something. At least you are listening to me about one thing. That's a start.

"I'm tired Rach," Chandler whispered, trying to ignore the voice.

"Okay…why don't you go back to sleep?" she suggested.

"Okay," Chandler agreed meekly. Rachel smiled reassuringly and watched as he closed his eyes.

Chandler tried to sleep; he really did. But he found he couldn't. Perhaps it was because the voice was relentless. It wasn't saying anything useful, instead repeating things it had already said, and things that he didn't want to hear. The voice was causing Chandler to twitch, and he found he couldn't stay still.

That's a start. Listening is a start. We are on our way once more Chandler. Soon, you will be trying to do it again. Hopefully before the killing begins. Their killing, not yours. Well, except for Joey's killing. I'm hoping that will be long and painful. He deserves it. Selfish. So selfish. You have to leave Chandler. Rachel will die if you don't. She deserves better then you. We despise Joey. Selfish. Selfish!

"Hey." Chandler heard Rachel's voice, soft and tired. "He's asleep. At least, I think he is. He's twitching, so that usually means he's asleep."

Chandler heard a low murmur; someone's voice. It was too low to understand, or to distinguish.

"No, I'm fine here," Rachel insisted. "I want to stay with him. It may be a long time before…before I get to do it again."

"Are you sure?" the voice was louder this time, and Chandler could distinguish it. He scowled.

Selfish! He's selfish! He needs to leave Chandler. He needs to go. He shouldn't be talking to Rachel. She's smart, but he might make her change. We don't want her to be selfish as well, do we?

No, Chandler thought, still scowling. Joey hadn't listened, Joey had wronged him.

We despise Joey, He has to leave. We despise him.

He had to go. He couldn't stay. Joey hadn't listened, Joey had wronged him. He couldn't stay. Couldn't, wouldn't, mustn-

"Out!" Chandler screamed, sitting up. Joey and Rachel both jumped, and then turned to stare at him.

"Chandler," Rachel started.

"No Rach! I want him out! Get out! Get out! Now!" Chandler yelled, pointing at the door.

"Chan," Joey said softly, looking more hurt then Chandler had ever seen him. The look on Joey's face made Chandler falter-

No. He's tricking you. Selfish. We despise him! He wronged you! You told him never to do that again, but he did!

-but only for a moment.

"No! I warned you Joey! If you ever wronged me like that again, I could never forgive you! Unforgivable! Selfish!"

"Y-You never warned me Chandler," Joey whispered, the look on his face deepening. Chandler shook his head.

"Yes I did!" he shrieked. "I told you! I told you!"

"When?" Rachel asked softly.

"At the hospital! I told you after…after…you left…"Chandler trailed off.

No, you're getting confused Chandler. He knows. You told him. He knows.

"You never warned me Chan," Joey said in a quiet voice. Chandler stared at him, a confused expression covering his face.

"I-I can't…remember," he stammered.

"You never warned me Chan," Joey repeated.

Bullshit! Chandler, listen to me! Who are you going to believe? Me, or the selfish bastard? He stopped you. He didn't listen. He wronged you! He is full of it! You warned him! You're just getting confused. That's okay Chandler, there is a lot to remember. He wronged you.

"I did!" Chandler yelled. "I told you!"

"You didn't!"

"You ruined my life!" Chandler screamed.

"You were trying to ruin your own damn life!" Joey exclaimed.

"Guys-" Rachel started.

"To save you guys! But you fucked that up! You're killing Rachel! I don't ever want to see you again!" Chandler shrieked, and then lowered his voice. "I hate you."

Joey stared in shock at his friend, Rachel doing the same. Both were unable to believe what he had just said.

"W-What?" Joey whimpered, taking a step back.

"I hate you! I hate you!" Chandler screamed, his face red with anger.

"Chandler!" Rachel snapped.

"No! Get out! Get out of here! I told you! I told you! I don't want to see you again Joey! We despise you! I hate you! Out! Out! Out!"

Joey let out a sob, then turned and fled the room. Chandler fell back, exhausted.

Well done Chandler. He needed to be punished, and sometimes words hurt more then fists.

"Chandler-"

"I don't want to hear it Rach, I'm tired," Chandler muttered, cutting his lover off. He rolled over onto his side once more. Rachel stared at his back in shock.

"Chandler!"

"No, Rach! Later! I'm tired!" Chandler growled. Rachel opened her mouth, and then closed it once more.

"Then go to sleep," she snapped, climbing out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Joey was right. I do need a break. I'll be back later." Chandler heard Rachel's footsteps and then the door shutting. He sighed, rolling onto his back.

She'll be fine…she can't stay angry at you for long. Especially not when she is going to die.

"Shut up," Chandler muttered.

I'll shut up…won't change a thing though. Rachel is going to die. You can stop it. But she will die if you don't. You'll see.

The voice went silent, and Chandler rolled onto his side. Rachel wasn't going to die.

She couldn't. He wouldn't let her.


Rachel closed the door behind her, then wiped her face with her hand. She wasn't angry at Chandler. She couldn't be angry at him. She was just slightly irritated. It wasn't Chandler's fault that a crazy voice was telling him things that wasn't true. It wasn't Chandler's fault that he couldn't distinguish between what was real and what was not. He wasn't…himself at the moment. And because of that, she couldn't be angry at him.

"Hey," she said softly, sitting next to Joey. "Where is everyone?"

"They thought it would be best if they went out for a while…I don't know why," Joey murmured, staring at his hands, at the scar that ran across his right hand. He had done that saving Chandler's life. His gaze moved further up, to the scrapes on his arm, the uneven lines. Chandler's fingernails. That had hurt like hell, and Joey had nearly dropped him, but had managed to keep him safe. Managed to save his life.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked after a moment. Joey shook his head, his eyes filling with tears once more. Rachel sighed. "Oh sweetie," she murmured, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. Joey leaned in to her and began to cry.

"He hates me because I love him too much to let him die….how fucked up is that?" he whimpered. Rachel nodded.

"I know honey, I know…please don't be angry at him. Please don't hate him," she whispered. Joey shook his head.

"I can't hate him Rachel, I love him too damn much!" he sobbed. "I just wish…"

"You just wish what?"

"I just wish that everything could be back to normal."

"I know," Rachel murmured, pulling Joey closer. "I feel the same way."

"But it will all be fine soon, won't it? After they help him? He won't be angry at me then, will he?" Joey asked; pleaded. Rachel sighed. She hoped not.

"Everything will be fine Joey," she said softly. "It's all going to be okay." Joey nodded, closing his eyes. He leaned his head on her shoulder, and Rachel kissed his temple softly. "It's all going to be okay."

She hoped that was the case.