Well, it's taken me nearly two months, but I've done it! This certainly is a proud moment for me...i rarely finish stories, especially not stories that end up being 89,775 words long! AWoohoo! They are usually around 60, 000 words shorter hehe. Anyway, i must thank you all so much for reading this story...if it hadnt been for you guys urging me on, i might never have finished it! Your reviews have meant the world to me, and i only hope that ya'all will stick with me when i write my new stories...which i will do very soon...i'm hoping to get a Chapter One of my new story out in the next couple of days! So, thankyou so much for sticking by me, and thankyou so much for reading! It's lovely to have fans! And now i can finally sleep, push this story out of my mind and continue on with something new! So thankyou all, and good night!
Please, pretty please, read and review...especially the one that have been waiting till the end of the story to review...i know that a lot of people do that...i do that hehe. So please review!...and once more, ignore spelling mistakes!
I do not own Friends/ characters/ actors, buti will be taking Matthew Perry out for a nice non alcoholic drink in celebration for finishing this! He deserves to celebrate too, i wouldnt have written this without him...well, being...there, i guess..WHOOPA!
She knocked; quietly and gently.
She wasn't sure why she bothered, but she did it anyway.
Rachel stepped into the room, wincing as she jarred her injured shoulder. She briefly glanced down at the sling her arm was encased in, then turned her attention to the inside of the room. Sighing, she walked inside and took a seat.
"Hi baby," she whispered, smiling sadly. She didn't expect Chandler to answer, but she was still disappointed when he didn't.
It had been four days since the attack; four days since Chandler had spoken. Rachel missed his voice. She missed seeing his blue eyes watching her, instead of watching the ceiling blankly. She missed his smile, she missed everything.
"I wish you would say something," Rachel murmured, taking his limp hand in her own. "I wish you would look at me. I miss you Chandler."
Chandler continued to stare at the ceiling, just like he had been doing since the attack. Since he killed that man. Rachel bit her lip in an attempt to stop crying. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her emotions.
"You're not with me anymore, are you Chandler?" she whispered sadly. "The doctors said that you have retreated into yourself; that you have shut down. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that you would come back to me. But that isn't going to happen, is it?" Rachel let out a sob, squeezing her eyes shut. "Do you even know that I'm here baby? Do I even exist? Can you hear me Chandler?"
Chandler didn't respond, which caused Rachel to let out another sob.
"I-I can't believe this has happened," she cried. "I…God, I can't believe it. I was so sure that things would be okay; that you could get some help and it would all be fine. I was so sure!" Rachel shook her head, not caring that her locks fell into her face. She wasn't going to let go of Chandler's hand, especially not for something as insignificant as pushing her hair back.
"I love you Chandler," she whispered. "God, I love you so much. More then anything baby. You were the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with…but that isn't going to happen now, is it?"
She watched Chandler blink, and shook her head. "I wish it could. I wish it so much! I also wish…I wish that you knew how much I loved you. I wish I had told you before it was too late. I-I wish I knew if you loved me back."
Rachel pressed her lips against Chandler's limp hand, sighing against his skin. "I think you did, but I never knew for sure…I love you Chandler. And it kills me that I'm here without you. That you are in a place that I can't get to. I will never be able to hold you, kiss you, make love to you. I-"
Rachel cut herself off with a shuddering breath, and closed her eyes once more. "I will never be able to walk down the aisle with you, had kids with you…die with you. We won't be able to have that. Because you aren't coming back, are you Chandler?"
Rachel felt a tear trickle down her cheek, and she took in another shaky breath.
"Dr. Mackenzie said…he said that there is a chance. I know that you may come back to me, that there is a chance, but something tells me that isn't going to happen. I hate myself for thinking that, but I know that it's true. I love happy endings, but this isn't going to be a happy ending. You were right baby; you really do have bad luck. But you were wrong when you said you were a bad luck charm. You are anything but that. I am lucky to have known you; lucky to have loved you. I'm only unlucky that we have to part ways." Rachel let out a sob at her words. "I can't believe I am even saying these words. I hate that I am saying these words. Life is so unfair! Why? Why did this happen to us; to you? I just…I don't understand it Chandler, I don't!"
She released his hand and moved her fingers up to his cheek, feeling the cool skin beneath her digits.
"I-I… want to be with you more than anything baby…it kills me that that wont happen…but, at least I have my memories. I know what it's like to be with you, to talk to you…to love you. But that isn't enough. I want it all, but that isn't going to happen. All I have is my memories. And my dreams."
Rachel let out another shaky sigh, feeling the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. She stoked Chandler's cheek lovingly, her tears coming harder when Chandler didn't respond to her touch. He truly was gone.
"I-I see you in my dreams Chandler…you're all I see. But of happier times. Before all this…and after. I dream of what we would have been like together…we would have lived in the suburbs, in a big house…with a cat…because I know you like them more. The street would have been wide, so the kids could ride their bikes down it…we would have had a white picket fence…and a room where Joey could live of course."
Rachel let out a short laugh, but it was hollow. She gnawed at her lip for a moment, watching Chandler's blank face. "We would have been so happy…three kids, our cat, our beautiful house…I see all that in my dreams. I see you in my dreams. You're all I want to see, you and me…it will always be you and me Chandler."
Rachel let out an agonised cry when her words went unnoticed.
"Please Chandler! Please baby, look at me! Talk to me! I need you, I need you so much…I can't cope like this, I-I don't…I don't know what I'm going to do without you…I need you…" Rachel trailed off, harsh sobs wracking her body. She cried for several minutes, clinging to Chandler desperately. "Why can't you come back to me? Why can't we go home, and live happily ever after? Why? I just…I don't…" she shook her head, unable to finish her sentence. "I-I need you sweetie…this is just too unfair. Why does it seem like good things only happen to bad people?" Rachel shook her head again. "Everybody…they all say hi. They want you home, just as much as I do Chandler. They want to look after you…I don't know how I'm going to tell them that you aren't coming home…don't know how I'm going to tell Joey…" Rachel trailed off at the mention of their friend.
"Joey is sorry Chandler. He…he never wanted to upset you, but he still thinks he did the right thing, that pulling you away from that ledge was the best thing he could have done…I'm not sure if I agree with that….maybe he should have let you fall. Then you wouldn't be stuck like this, stuck inside your own head, facing your own demons…stuck with that voice that you hate so much. That we hate so much. Maybe you would have been better off falling…maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. At least you would be properly gone then…instead of only mostly gone, almost in reach, almost here. But…at least you are still here, even if you aren't really here. At least I can still look at you, touch you, feel you. That is selfish of me, I know. Me, glad that you are stuck in your limbo, just so I can touch you. It's selfish, but I don't care…I'm not ready to let go of you yet Chandler." Rachel let out a sigh, running her hand through Chandler's silky hair. "Joey is sorry…and I'm sorry that you two left things the way you did…he thinks that you hate him Chandler. That's why you have to come back. If not for me, then for Joey! You have to right things with him baby! Otherwise he will spend the rest of his life believing that his best friend - the person he cared about more then anything – left hating him. Its killing him Chandler…you have to come back. Please, we need you. We can't cope without you! Who is going to make us laugh now? Who is going to comfort us when we are down?"
Rachel took Chandler's limp hand in her own once more, staring down at his smooth skin. "Monica isn't angry at you…she understands why you hit her…she's okay. I know that you must have been beating yourself up about that, and I hope you can hear me…she's okay. She just misses you… we all miss you baby."
"Miss Green?" Rachel jumped at her name, then slowly turned around. A nurse was standing in the doorway with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, but it's time to go." Rachel shook her head.
"No…please, can I please have another minute?" she pleaded. The nurse hesitated, then nodded.
"Okay," he said softly.
"Thankyou." Rachel watched him walk away then turned back to Chandler, her lip trembling. "I-I have to go baby…I don't want to…I hate leaving you. What if you have a dream? These people wont be able to comfort you like we do…I miss you Chandler." Rachel sighed, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. "I-I have to go, but I will be back tomorrow. And the next day. And the next…I'm not going to leave you Chandler, I could never leave you." She stood up, her hand still intertwined with his. "I-I guess that I will be seeing you in my dreams tonight…and then I will see you tomorrow…I have to see you tomorrow…I have to get you to come home with me baby, I have to."
"Miss Green?"
"I'm coming," Rachel snapped, never taking her eyes off of Chandler's face; watching as a tear fell from her cheek to his. She gently wiped it away. "I love you Chandler…I love you so much…and I'll be back…I will do anything to get you home with me… I don't care what the doctors say…I don't care what the little voice in the back of my head says…I will get you back Chandler…and then I won't need my dreams anymore, because I will have the real thing…I will have you." Rachel leaned down and pressed her trembling lips against his. Chandler naturally didn't respond and Rachel let out a small sigh. "I love you," she breathed against his lips. "I'll be back…I love you."
Rachel turned and walked away; walked towards the persistent nurse. She didn't look back, knowing that it would be too painful; knowing that she would just end up rushing back over. She would be back tomorrow. She would get him back.
Chandler stared up at the ceiling, blinking every once in a while.
I told you that you would end up here. And guess what Chandler? I'm going to live up to my promise. I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Chandler heard the voice, but he didn't respond. He couldn't. He couldn't do anything; anything but listen to the voice taunt him. He wanted to call out to Rachel, wanted to talk to her; hold her, kiss her. He wanted to tell her about the dream he had, how a new girl, a Lisa Anderson was going to die. But he couldn't. All he could do was listen to the voice. He couldn't even cry. Not that he wanted to. He wasn't going to cry.
He couldn't, wouldn't, mustn't.
Were stuck together now Chandler. All alone.
And I am going to make your life a living hell.
Chandler wanted to shudder, but he couldn't. He only hoped that one day he would return back to Rachel, be able to tell her he loved her back. Be able to do all the things she had dreamed about. Be able to tell Joey that he didn't hate him. He hoped that Rachel would be able to get him out of here. But until then, he was stuck with the voice. He was stuck in this hell.
And he couldn't even cry.
