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Chapter 6

"You said that you have never experienced a thunderbolt, Headmaster. Let me tell you from the onset then, that my words cannot even begin to describe the emotional experience that I underwent. I said before that a thunderbolt is a terrible thing... but I would be lying to myself if I truly believed that. For I do not think, nor believe that a thunderbolt is terrible. I believe it is one of the most wonderful, the most beautiful and the loveliest experiences that one can have.

What exactly is a thunderbolt, you might ask? I've had time to find that out. I've read books and ancient manuscripts on the subject. So let me tell you: in short, a thunderbolt is no less than a complete connection with another person. To look at it from a rational point of view, I suppose it is a truly fascinating and singular occurrence. For there are some who would not be afraid to use the thunderbolt to their advantages... for its power and intensity can be used for terrible thing. Anyhow, that is something for another time.

Let me explain my experience; let me elaborate.

Everyone on this planet, every man, every woman, is born to be with another person. Each person has a soul mate - another human being that is made for them. Each person compliments his or her soul mate perfectly. Without his or her soul mate, a person is incomplete. More often than not, these two souls never meet; thus it is rare for a thunderbolt to happen. But when the two souls, the two persons meet each other, an amazing thing occurs. A most ancient and powerful connection between the two is initiated. They are struck - no more, no less - by a thunderbolt. Once the connection is established, those two souls cannot be forcefully parted, for the need they feel for each other is immense; it is eternal and it is great. It cannot be harmed, stopped or destroyed. Another more rudimentary term for this is "love at first sight" but that concept is misleading. A thunderbolt can occur between two people who have known each other for years; indeed, it will only occur when both souls start realising that there is something special about the other.

And indeed, I had started to realise this about Pétale in the first moments I met her. I knew that there was something unplaceable about her. Almost as if I'd met her somewhere before. But then, the fights, the arguments, the petty squabbles had kept me from feeling anything further than irritation and anger for her.

Why I am telling you all of this Headmaster? Why indeed?

I know this: I will never share my past with anyone else, for the rest of my life. It will be a secret; these memories that I am telling you will be guarded by me, close to my heart, as a treasure. I shall take this treasure to the grave with me. Am I doomed to live a dark, lonely life? So be it. I do not care. But I owe it to myself... and to her... to at least share my memories with one other person, so that even if I die, what happened will live on in your mind... for a thunderbolt... is a rare thing.."

o.o.o

Dumbledore had been listening with a rapt attention. He blinked several times to bring himself back to the present.

"Severus... I did not know..." he said, repeating his words from earlier on in the evening. Snape had stood up and had been speaking - for the past ten minutes or so - from the window. He was gazing out at the night sky. It was a clear night, no clouds, and so the stars and the majestic moon were perfectly visible to the naked eye. He stood gazing at the spectacles of the heavens, his eyes betraying - for one of the very few and last times of his life - the sadness that he had suffered..

"Where is Ms Black now?" Dumbledore whispered gently.

Snape turned to gaze at the old man, and then looked up at the heavens once again. Sighing, he went back to his seat. "Where indeed?" he whispered, and then resumed his story.

o.o.o

"As I walked back from Madam Florean, I was struck - fiercely, inevitably - by the thunderbolt. And I experienced my fist Perfect Moment.

This memory, which I had all but laid to rest refused to lie still when you mentioned perfect moments. I don't suppose I'll ever be able to suppress it...

I had left Pétale sitting alone at a table in the corner of the parlour. I was walking back to her when it happened. Just as I caught sight of her, I stumbled on a wet patch on the floor. Even before I regained my balance I knew she was looking at me. And as I looked back towards her, a curious sensation fell upon my whole being. I felt like I had fallen from a great height and had knocked all the air from my lungs, because try as I might, I couldn't seem to be able to breathe. Not that it mattered. That was the last thing I was concerned about. Surprisingly enough, I felt no warnings of impending unconsciousness.

I stopped. Time stopped. It seemed as though everything that had been happening around me had suddenly ceased to be. All the waiters and customers... they simply seemed to vanish. And as I realised this, I also found that my whole soul, my very being was focusing intensely towards that one little person sitting a few metres away from me; she herself was looking at me with such awe-inspiring intensity that I knew the wonder was mirrored in my own gaze.

And then came the revelation. Then indeed came the revelation! "Love" doesn't even come close to describing what I was experiencing! Love is a word, Headmaster. A mere word. Like lust, like passion, like desire, like obsession... what are these but mere trifles? They cannot even begin to describe the actual emotion, the actual feeling, the actual desire... What I felt towards that little creature - that Pétale - was not love. There is no word to describe what I felt. You could only fully understand what I am trying to say if you had experienced it yourself. However let me continue. I felt like this creature sitting in front of me was mine. I felt like she belonged to me. In fact, I knew she belonged to me. I knew that if she ever went from me my heart would break. I knew that if she went away, I would die.

And suddenly, another huge revelation came crashing down upon me.

I felt that I had known her for all eternity. I felt like I knew the innermost corner of her soul, of her being. And I knew that if ever she left me, if ever she betrayed me, she herself would die; her heart, too, would be broken. And I felt this blind... this blind obsession that she should never be away fro me. That if I ever saw another man even so much as smile at her, then I could not be held responsible for what I did to that man.

And then, the third and final revelation came. I realised that I could feel her. I realised that she was experiencing what I was feeling. I realised that she was seeing in my eyes, in my being, what I was seeing in hers. And not only that, but I could almost see her vitality; her aliveness in front of me. I could almost see rays of light pouring forth from her good, pure little heart, and I was genuinely humbled.

To an outsider, this extremely personal experience may seem a little terrifying. The intensity of the obsession, the strength of the desire... but to the two people involved, it was indeed one of the most amazing things in the whole world.

And all this occurred in one moment. But it didn't feel like a moment. It felt like an eternity. An eternity where I was so perfectly in tune with her, with the world that I felt like I could feel almost everything happening in the universe. And that, Headmaster, was the most alive moment of my entire life.

o.o.o

And what do you imagine happened next? Do you think I swept her off her feet and asked her to marry me? Do you think I carried her off to make sweet love? Or do you think we sat there looking into each other's eyes like love-sick dogs? Well, let me put you at rest by saying that nothing of that sort happened.

One of the biggest misconceptions about the thunderbolt is that it creates love between the two involved. Let me put that myth to complete rest. Nothing of that sort happens. The only example of love being created out of thin air is that of the love that members of the same family feel for each other. A mother for her child; a father for his child; a brother for his sister and vice versa. There are many examples, of course, where members of the same family do not share any love. An example: our dear Black and his parents. Otherwise, love is never created. It is changed into love from hate or dislike, or it grows from misunderstandings or jealousy. In our case it was no different.

Soul mate... the term... I find it vulgar. It is like trying to describe the sun as "bright," or the universe as "large." It doesn't do full justice to what actually happens. Pétale was my soul mate, if you will. We had shared a thunderbolt; a perfect moment. We could not be apart. But did that make me in love with her? Absolutely not. Let me remind you that two things that need each other do not necessarily have to possess a liking or attraction for the other.

How on earth should I explain this unearthly experience in earthly terms and phrases? Imagine if you will, Headmaster, two people. Each person possesses a part of the other. Quite literally. Once they know this fact, once that surreal connection has been formed, they cannot live without each other. They cannot bear to be apart. But that does not mean that they are in love. It does not mean that at all.

So Pétale was the same woman to me. Albeit a woman I knew I couldn't bear to be apart from; a woman I couldn't see in the arms of another; a woman I would willingly die a thousand times to protect. But she was still also that woman with the same irritating habits; the argumentative nature...

Enough! Back to that moment when the effects of the thunderbolt diminished; back to that moment where I staggered forward and sank to that chair besides her; back to that woman when I saw her head fall into her arms, and her shoulders start to tremble...

o.o.o

"Here you are my dears," Madam Florean said cheerfully, in a bright voice as she placed two large bowls of chocolate ice-cream in front of us. Pétale still had her head in her arms, and the comely lady looked with concern at her. I caught her eye and muttered: "Could you leave us please Madam Florean?"

She looked doubtful, opened her mouth, thought better of it and then left.

I waited several moments for my companion to start on her ice-cream. When she didn't, I took a tentative bite, felt I couldn't bear to have any after what had just passed, and pushed the plate away from me, and sat with my hands folded on the table in front of me.

Suddenly, she raised her head, covering her eyes with her hand and said in a muffled voice: "What happened Snape?"

I was in no mood for any theatrics and so replied simply and quietly: "You do not know?" But of course, I knew she knew. Who didn't know the thunderbolt? When she remained silent I carried on: "It was a thunderbolt."
She moaned - the sound cut through to my heart - and then stood up still not looking at me.

"I need... I need... some time alone."

I stood up as well, placing a few coins on the table, and then led her out. "Where do you wish to go?"

"Home," she replied, her voice trembling. I could tell she was swaying and stepped to take her arm. "Don't- don't- Just take me home..."

I stepped back. "Very well. We will have to use Side-Along Apparition. You are in no state to apparate alone. Hold my arm tightly and concentrate on where you house is." My voice was hoarse and weak.

She gripped my arm and screwed her eyes shut, her face devastatingly pale. For a moment I looked into her face; for a moment all I could feel was the heat from the little hand that gripped my arm. But then, I mentally shook myself and forced myself to concentrate. I delved gently into her mind and found the image of her house; I focused, and in a moment we were there.

It was a quiet street. Calm, tranquil. We stood in front of a small house - no doubt enchanted to appear smaller than it was - with a neat garden. Without a word, she left my arm and walked quickly towards it, unhooking the clasp of the gate lading up the path to the front door. With each step she took, I felt a great wrenching, as if pieces were being torn from me. Quietly, she closed the gate, and again, without looking at me, made her way slowly up the path. I turned to go, my heart feeling like it would tear to bits. I knew - I felt - that she was feeling just like me; I knew she must be feeling as if her very being was being torn into two. Just as she turned to knock at the door however, she paused and I turned to look at her again. Slowly she turned to look at me, her large eyes brimming with tears, her small face pale, her lower lip trembling. Suddenly, I received a burst of emotion from her: anger, desperation, desire, compassion...

We stood there, gazing at each other for what seemed like a long time. And then suddenly, she turned unable to stand any longer, and fled into her home.

I turned to go back to my house - my lonely, dark house. Knockturn Alley all but forgotten. I looked forward to nothing but two weeks - for the Christmas and New Year holidays began tomorrow - of loneliness, of despair... two weeks of a heart as heavy as lead, and two weeks of constantly seeing a small figure of a young woman in my mind... with whom I had shared my first and only Perfect Moment.