Serious Advice, by Sirius Black

If my advice doesn't work for you....then you're screwed.

Q: I often dream that I'm falling into a big hole, what does this mean?

A: How am I supposed to know? What do I look like, an advice columnist or

something? Go ask Professor Trelawny.

Q: How self-absorbed are you!?!

A: Very. But I prefer to call it self-love.

Q: I don't have any friends and I really want some. Could you help me?

A: Get some rocks and put smiley faces on them. I'm sure they'll be your

friend. No denying in that.

Q: I hear voices at night and I don't know why! They scare me! HELP ME!

A: Close the door when you're sleeping so you don't hear people talking in the

common room.

***************************************

So yeah Christmas was getting near and everything was pretty normal unless

you count the time when James turned Lily into a bunny and Lily as a bunny

scratched his face, and well the time when Lily threw a pillow, or it looked like

one, I think it had stones inside, which knocked James for 3 days, he was

frantic when he woke up and almost drowned Lily to death in the lake.

***************************************

Sirius shoved a bundle of costumes into James' arms. James looked at the

costumes Sirius handed him and then held up a small, pink, glittery fairy suit.

James- Ehhem. You expect me to wear this?

Sirius- Well when I said dress up, I meant to really, really disguise ourselves.

James- Oh and I suppose you're going to be a fluffy, white bunny with floppy

ears?

Sirius- Er..no..*shoves the bunny suit behind his back* Well just go change!

James and Sirius entered the fitting rooms, trying on the costumes. After a

few minutes, Sirius came out looking like a constructor worker with a hairy

mustache and a thick unibrow that covered ¼ of his forehead. He wore an

oversized yellow helmet, leaving his ears protruding and wearing huge boots.

*********************************

"Tunak tunak! Tunak tunak! Tunak tunak, Tun Da da da!" They clapped on the

'das', and danced on. This time, they did free style. Sirius did the funky

chicken, as Remus did the swimmer. Then it was time for the Tunaks and

string pulling. This continued for quite sometime.

**********************************

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"Sirius said after his third lesson that day,

covered in an odd-looking green goo and looking rather singed. The students

blinked at him, and then, almost in one motion, gathered up all their materials

and left.

Sirius shrugged. "Oh well," he said to himself, and, ignoring the mess, started

prodding the contents of his potion. Classes were done for the day, thank the

Lord.

Suddenly, a loud scream came from the doorway, and Sirius jumped, pointing

his wand reflexively. When he saw who was standing there, he wasn't sure

whether to feel relieved or frightened.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CLASSROOM?" Lily shrieked. Sirius

looked back into his cauldron and prodded it's contents a bit more, which

almost looked as though they were beginning to move on their own.

"Created Flubber, I think," Sirius said. Lily didn't seem to appreciate the

American Muggle movie reference.

*******************************

"Cause I am the almighty ruler of this school, the king of pranks, the ladies

man, Sirius Black." Young Sirius said, jumping off the bed striking a super

hero pose. As an afterthought he added, "Or to my friends, Padfoot."

******************************

"Fine, I'll never speak to you again," sobbed Sirius. He ran out of the Great

Hall crying, tripping once, smacking his face off the ground, crying even more.

******************************

"So, who's up for a game of Duck, Duck, Goose?" Padfoot asked eagerly.

Snape growled, "No, besides if we did. We couldn't see the game. It would

turn into a violent Duck, Duck, Goose..."

"Well, we gotta do something! I mean, after you're malfunctioning wand!"

Wormtail murmured.

"My wand is fine! This isn't even my wan-... Hey! It feels exactly the same as

that twig! DAMNIT!" Snape bellowed.

"Duck... Duck... Duck..." Padfoot started.

"No." Prongs said firmly.

"WHAT!? Even you don't wanna play!?" Padfoot whined.

"I'll play!" Wormtail insisted.

"But it's not fun with only two people!" Padfoot whined again.

"Shut your trap..." Moony growled.

"Marco Polo!" Peter suggested happily.

"God... No! We are so not playing Violent Marco Polo!" Moony grumbled.

"Marco!" Padfoot yelled.

"POLO!" Wormtail yelled.

A loud crash was heard. "MY LEG! I THINK I BROKE MY LEG!" Padfoot

started screaming.

Prongs was heard slapping his forehead, "Great Wizards... No."

*************************

"January is cold, Dumbledore is old, my name is Sirius and I am delirious!"

*************************

"Bored, bored, bored."James heard Sirius mumble from beside him. "I am so

bloody bored it's unbelievable. It should not be physically possible to be this

bored. I could not be any more bored than I am right now. No, wait, I could.

Cause I'm even more bored right this second. I am very very very, extremely,

and unbelievably bor-"

************************

"NO! EAT THESE GUMMY BEARS!" screamed Sirius in a very demanding

way. Then Sirius stuffed the gummy bears in Lily's mouth furiously. The

Marauders stared at Sirius in complete shock.

**********************

Mr. Pookie or Skye. Who's worth it? thought Sirius. Sirius began remembering

the good ol' memories with Mr. Pookie like eating cookies with him and buying

Mr. Pookie's first pair of bunny slippers.

*********************

James and Lily entered through the portrait hole with everyone staring at them.

They then realized they were still holding hands and quickly let go.

"What's this? You guys were ACTUALLY holding hands. You never held my

hand Miss Evans! This hurts Lily. It really does." said Sirius trying to hold

back tears while tolding Mr. Pookie tightly (But the truth is that he was

thinking `You got her Prongs!´)

*******************

A huge catfight ensued in which hair was pulled, nails were broken, punches

were thrown, and arms were bitten. Sirius wasted no time. He knew what he

had to do. Being a man of honor and integrity, he immediately started taking

bets.

*******************

The three eventually made their way, grudgingly, of course, to the Slytherin

common room. Sam and Lily assigned Sirius to the window hoping he

wouldn't do too much damage while they got to scrubbing the carpet-without

magic.

A few minutes later they heard an "Oh, shit!" from Sirius who, had somehow

managed to set the curtains on fire.

*****************

They all turned around and gasped. This couldn't be Sirius Black. This was

some imposter wearing a tie dye rainbow shirt that came out in little frills on

the collar (which was half covered by a matching scarf) and sleeves, stuffed

into these tight black bell-bottom leather pants that showed every crease and

crevice on his perfectly sculpted legs, with some blazing red high heel boots

replacing his usual blue lace-up Converse's, all topped off with a red velvet

cowboy hat that covered his shiny slicked back hair.

******************

Sirius, although not the brightest candle on the cake, caught this sudden hush

and became suspicious.

*****************

"Mr. Black - you will come with me," she narrowed her eyes at him then

turned abruptly and marched out of the common room. Sirius gave Lily an

'Oops' expression before following the fuming teacher out of the room.

"Minerva! Doll! Can't we talk this over?" his voice sounded from just outside the

portrait hole.

****************

"Well, we should probably go," Remus rejoined. "We've only got half an hour to

get to the airport. Does everyone have their passports?"

"Duh." Sirius tossed his up in the air. It got caught in the ceiling fan. "AAAAA!"

he screamed, as his passport whirled around. "TURN OFF THE FAN!" he

yelled, "TURN IT OFF!"

James turned off the fan. Sirius' passport flew through the air, smacking Lily in

the nose.

"AH! MY NOSE!" Lily exclaimed.

******************

"Since we are in a new land, full of mystery and wonder, we must give

ourselves new names. Remus, I christen you. . . Kodac."

"KODAC?!"

"Shh. James, I christen you Dippy. Peter," Sirius continued loudly over the

wails of malcontent and the snickers on Lily and Peter's part, "I christen you

Elmer."

"ELMER. You are going to call me. . . Elmer." Peter smacked his forehead in

disbelief. "I must be dreaming."

"Lily, you are now to be Suki."

Lily stood in silence. "I cannot believe this," she thought.

"But wait," Remus said, "What about *your* name?"

"My name?" Sirius asked in confusion.

"Yes," James said evilly. "Your name."

"I think. . ." Lily said slowly, "I think the name, Skippy sounds about right."

"Skippy?" All color drained from Sirius' face. "No. Not. . . not *SKIPPY*!"

"Yes!" they all shouted.

"I never should have given them their names," Sirius murmured in deep, deep

bitterness.

****************

REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAX

(OH, AND THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ALREADY DID)

(Disclaimer: I don´t own any of this, the characters (most of them) belong to

J.K.Rowling, and all of the other stories belong to the people who wrote them

(thanks))