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Chapter 8
"I stiffened - involuntarily - as the door creaked open and she slipped inside, noiselessly. There was a rustling as she took her outer, travelling robes off, and then silence. It was one of those silences that was so thick that it was almost like it could be cut with a knife. It stretched and expanded until it seemed to grow into something uncomfortable, something huge and awkward.
Finally I heard an exclamation: "I can't take this any longer."
I would have willingly stayed where I was for the rest of the day, but I felt that perhaps it would be wise - and good-mannered - to turn and regale my companion with my attention.
She was loitering beside her desk, twisting a wisp of brown hair with her finger. I could tell that she was, quite obviously, trying to avoid looking at me; her eyes were averted.
I cleared my throat. There was another tense silence.
And then finally: "It was you, wasn't it?" We were - as usual when in the Department of Mysteries - talking via our minds.
"I don't understand,"
"Oh stop pretending Snape. You know perfectly well what I'm talking about," she snapped.
As chance would have it, I didn't know what she was talking about. I said as much. "I do not understand quite what you are accusing me of."
She looked up, judged I was telling the truth, and then quickly looked away again. I felt slightly annoyed.
"I do assure you, that you won't vanish into thin air by looking at me."
She ignored me. I sighed, turning to get back to my work, not in the mood for an argument.
"The package."
And finally, I understood. "Ah."
"It was from you wasn't it?"
I hesitated, and then not looking at her, I said: "Yes."
Suddenly, I heard her bang her fists onto the table. "What... what in the world prompted you to send me something like that Snape?"
It was the way she said it, I suppose. It was the way she said it that made me realise why she would find what I had sent her inappropriate.
"I'm sorry, but I can't accept it."
The blood pounded in my ears; for perhaps the first time in my life... I flushed.
I could hear her marching towards me. And then she stopped a few feet from me, as if I would bite if she got too close, and she held her hand out. And in her hand, I recognised what had been in the package that I had sent her.
It was a locket. Pure gold. But I hadn't picked it because it was 'pretty.' The gold chain held an emerald snake. I had made particularly sure that the snake wasn't in the least way frightening or intimidating. It was a small serpent, curled in the form of the letter 's.'
I looked dispassionately at her. "Surely... surely... you are not giving me back something that I gave to you as a... gift?" I was genuinely incredulous.
I saw her face flush and the sight satisfied me. It reassured me that despite what had happened, she was still the same woman... just as I was the same man. And yet, I knew in my heart of hearts, that after the thunderbolt... we weren't the same.
"Why... why did you give it to me?" she asked, once again looking away. I noted that she had stopped holding the locket out to me, and instead held it by her side.
"Tell me this, Ms Black," she flinched as I said her name, "why do you think I gave it to you?" I sneered.
"I don't know Snape. That's why I asked you," her tone suggested that she was talking to a child.
I continued my smirking, fully enjoying my arrogance. "After what happened, two weeks ago, you will undoubtedly have realised that we are..." My lip curled in dispassion, as I continued the sentence: "... soul mates?"
She jumped slightly as I said the words. I could tell that she was shocked. Perhaps she didn't know? I though. Well... she does now.
Her face had turned pale again. "Snape, don't you dare- If you think I'm going to..." I could tell she was angry - and yet what had I done?
I held my hand up to quieten her. "Listen to me carefully Ms Black. I shall say this only once. What we experienced was the thunderbolt. We are soul mates. This means nothing to me. Yes, I realise that unfortunately you will be always be a part of my life. I realise that our imminent parting will be... mutually painful. However, I do not think that without time our condition will not improve."
Her face, flushed again, had resumed an icy expression.
I continued: "I also realise, that if you were to be harmed, I would myself suffer the consequences, and vice versa."
"You've still not told me anything about the locket."
"I'm coming to that, impatient girl. And it's not a locket! Or at least, its much more than that. Hold the snake close to your mouth and say clearly and concisely: 'Salazar.'"
I could see her looking at me like I was mentally unbalanced..
The sight made me furious. We had experienced the thunderbolt... I was not going to harm her. "Just do it," I said with clenched lips.
She did. And as soon as the word left her mouth, the snake came alive in her hands. She gasped and jumped backwards. I stepped forward and caught her wrist to stop her falling down. The snake, in the meantime, had started to writhe and it split in half horizontally, and one half moved off the other half, coming to rest at the head of the other, so it seemed as if the snake had grown twice in length - albeit with its body split in half.
Anyhow, I had applied an Enlargement Charm to the inside of the snake. The hollow insides of the two half snakes were full of tiny little bottles.
"In case you find yourself in an emergency," I said. "Felix Felicis, different antidotes, Phoenix tears and other things. The bottles are marked. Simply say 'Grffindor' to bring the two halves together."
She did so, and once again, the golden chain held a fully formed snake.
There was another silence, and then I heard her voice in my mind again: "But why?"
"Because of the connection we have; if you are hurt, I shall feel pain also. If you are seriously hurt, I shall feel a lot of pain. And if you die, then I will feel... agony, I suppose. So these are little measures to make sure you do not get hurt, or do not die."
She snorted. "So the only reason you gave me this was so that you didn't get hurt?"
I smiled warmly at her. "Precisely. You have hit the proverbial nail rights on its proverbial head. I told you did I not, that the only person you can rely on in this world is yourself? As such, it is advisable to cater for one's needs and safety first and foremost."
She looked unbelievingly at me. "You still hold faith with your twisted philosophy?"
I replied icily: "Perhaps my philosophy is twisted, but it has served me well so far. Thus, I see no reason to change it."
"Not even after you've experienced a thunderbolt?" she asked quietly.
I stiffened. "Just what is that supposed to mean?" I whispered, equally quiet. "Do you think that our having experienced the thunderbolt changes anything?"
I looked at her, my eyes blazing. Didn't she understand? "Don't you understand Ms Black? Maybe in an ideal world... but no. I won't even go into all of that. Just what exactly do you think I should do?"
She looked me up and down, and then replied quietly: "Nothing. I don't expect you to do anything Snape." She turned to go.
I barked a short, bitter laugh. "This is perfect is it not?"
"What do you mean?" she called over her shoulder.
I sighed. "Nothing. Nothing at all."
I heard her turned back and come to me "Listen Snape, you're the one who doesn't want anything to do with what we've experienced, and now you want me to tell you how I feel?"
I could hear her huff in disbelief. And then she said: "And I refuse to believe that!"
I threw up my hands in exasperation. "Believe what?"
"That you could be so selfish!"
"Selfish?"
"With the locket."
I smiled coldly. "Believe it Ms Black. As much as it may anger you to know, I do not wish for this thunderbolt business to hinder my career or get in the way of my life."
"Likewise," she replied icily.
"And you don't see me complaining. At least I had the decency to get you a gift. Your first words to me after seeing me after Christmas and New Year were: 'I can't take this anymore.'
She glared at me. "Oh do pardon me, Snape. I didn't get you a Christmas present. I was at home totally miserable because of the way you made me feel!"
"You're raving mad, woman! If you think that I had any responsibility for the thunderbolt, you're mistaken. Besides... why would I do it with you?"
"You don't like me too much then, eh Snape?" she snapped. "Don't want to be around me? Can't stand my company? Think 'Ms Black' is not worthy of the company of the honourable Severus Snape? Well you won't have to put up for long; in fact, I shall be leaving soon."
I was momentarily stunned. A small, tinny voice in my head exclaimed 'No!' All I could manage to say was: "What?"
"I'm leaving. I talked to the Ministress this morning before coming and told her frankly that I couldn't work here any longer. She was very understanding and granted me permission to leave after this week."
The thought of Pétale leaving had sent a spurt of inexplicable panic through me. I shook it off - along with the fresh pangs of heartache and said simply: "Well I hope you enjoy your next job." My voice was low, quiet and serious.
She nodded her acknowledgment (she herself looking slightly faint) and went back to her desk.
It was only a moment before I asked: "Where... where are you going to go?"
"Abroad." I could hear a tight constriction in her voice, even though we were communicating using thoughts. I didn't turn around but I knew that her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Ah."
Another silence.
And then: "But why?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Why are you leaving?"
"Because I don't like brewing unethical potions. I don't like brewing things that are highly controversial, that use terrible ingredients... And I can't work around y-"
I could tell what she was going to say.
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have-"
I held up a hand. I imagine it shook. I was shaking. I would rather have two weeks alone with my misery, than stand in front of this woman - with my heart in her hands (although I didn't know this then nor would I admit it) to do with as she pleased - telling me that she couldn't bear to work with me. We had shared the thunderbolt and she was telling me she didn't want to wok around me? The little wretch!
I was hit by the huge realisation that for the first time in my life, I was genuinely hurt at not being wanted.
"Say no more," I said, trying to sound uncaring. The actual effect was anything but. "I imagine you will wish to stay at the Ministry today?"
She surprised me by saying: "No. I'm coming with you."
"You are?"
"Of course. My job doesn't end for a few days. I'm not going to sit here and be bored."
"Very well."
"Why... don't want me to go? Still worried about my safety?" I could hear the mocking tone in her voice.
"You wish," I murmured absent-mindedly, pouring a few drops of water into a silver-coloured potion.
Finishing my work, I turned to look at her. She was writing something on a piece of parchment, her hair falling in front of her, covering her face.
"Are you still trying to be my friend?" I asked quietly.
She looked up, colouring as she remembered the memory.
And then I was hit by that uncanny realisation again. "You're a fairy aren't you Ms Black?"
For a moment she looked blankly at me, then I saw something flit across her face. This disappeared almost immediately. "What are you talking about Snape?" She went back to her parchment.
"At first, I thought I was mistaken, but then... I realised, that I was not. From the very first moment I saw you, a deep part of me started being suspicious. And then, over the past few weeks, there have been signs."
"Such as?" her voice was low. She had stopped writing, but still wasn't looking at me.
"Such as?" I sneered. "Why your size, your preciseness at Potions, your secretiveness when telling me about your parents, the impression I got when I briefly entered your mind... and then lastly, just after you had kissed me and just after you were splinched and I was carrying you towards Florean's..."
She was silent.
And then: "Don't be ridiculous, Snape. Fairies are extremely tiny, non-intelligent and non-human creatures with wings. How on earth could I be one?
"You know, as well as I do, that those tiny creatures that are known as fairies are not really so. More precisely, they are wrongly termed thus. A real fairy is not much different than a human... of course, significantly smaller. They have the same level of intelligence as normal human beings - and in some cases are more magically powerful. I thought that the fairy race was extinct but I must have been mistaken."
Once again, she was quiet, and so I continued. "Fairies are said to be exceptionally beautiful. They have the ability to remain well hidden, thus I am not surprised that many thought them extinct. And to top it all off, they seem to be sensual, love-prone creatures."
She finally looked at me. "I'm not one," she said stiffly.
I opened my mouth to argue back and then realised she was telling the truth. "But of course... your mother..."
She nodded. "My mother was French. She married my father, from the Black family. He was the brother of Sirius' father, but was disowned after marrying someone not Black-family-approved. My father always maintained to his family that my mother was a Muggle... they could just about tolerate this enough to let him live his own life without bothering him. If he had told them that she was a... a..." her voice trembled, "... who knows what they would have done?"
"I see." My voice was gentle. "And... why have you told me this now?"
I could see her looking at me. And then she laughed softly. "Because I know you can't betray me Snape."
I hung my head. It was true.
"That really makes you feel helpless doesn't it?" she asked bitterly.
"What does?" I said, raising my head.
"That you don't have complete control of your life? That another person - namely me - has some control over you? That after the thunderbolt, our lives are tied together, and that you can't do anything about it?"
"And what about mademoiselle?" I sneered. "Does she not feel similar to what I do?"
She sighed. "I do Snape. I do. And the only reason is because I know that it's you who I shared the thunderbolt with."
"And what exactly is that supposed to imply?"
"Don't you understand? You're the last person I would want to be my soul mate. We're totally different, we have different morals, we share nothing in common... and I ended up having to share the thunderbolt with you. And I know, that there really is nothing I can do about it. I know I can't just walk away from you, or do anything to hurt you because it'll end up causing me pain. I know that I can't see you with another woman, but I don't want to be with you..." Tears had slid down her cheeks, her large brown eyes were filled with pain. I could feel that pain.
"Here," I said gruffly, striding forward and handing her a clean handkerchief. As I did so, I touched her hand. It was as warm as usual. This time however, I felt a slight thrill at touching a part of her. A shiver went up my spine. I quickly retreated.
She wiped her face, and calmed down. "What about you? Tell me about your family? How was your Christmas?"
I paused a moment. "My Christmas was... fine."
She must have heard the strain in my voice because she smiled. "You were alone weren't you?"
"And you find that amusing?" I asked bitterly.
"Of course not. I find that pathetic. It's your own fault. The 'friends are no good' philosophy."
I remained silent.
"Your family?"
"What exactly do you want to know?" I asked irritated.
"I want to know the reason why you've never loved Snape."
"Well you're going to have to wait for that, Ms Black. I don't share my personal business with anyone," I replied heatedly.
"Oh really?" she asked, smiling sweetly.
"Yes!" I snapped, angry.
And before I knew it, she was sifting through my memories, as if she had free reign there. Memories that I had deeply buried - and for good reason. No wonder... the little minx had purposely made me angry and ill-prepared so she could get to my inner-most thoughts... it took me a few seconds to compose myself and block her. A few seconds too late.
"You said you weren't a Legilimens!" I gasped.
"I lied," she said. She was looking at me strangely, with a mixture of pity and compassion.
"I don't need your pity!" I ground out through clenched teeth. "You think you know me Ms Black. Leave that misconception... you do not. And just because you are my soul mate - how unfortunate for me - it does not give you the right to leaf through my thoughts and memories as if I were a book!"
She regarded me curiously. Shaking her head - as if there were no hope for me - then she resumed writing on the piece of parchment.
And then before I could stop myself, I said: "Why did you kiss me?"
She looked up, her small face tear-stained - from moments ago when I had offered her my handkerchief - and then sniffed: "Really surprised you, huh?"
"Surprised?" I asked wryly. "Try outraged."
She nodded thoughtfully. "Just why were you so angry?"
I shrugged, embarrassed, and then said with scorn: "You're a horrible kisser."
She snorted. "As if you have so many others to compare with me!"
I remained silent.
"You haven't, had you?" she asked nervously, looking at her hands.
"Wouldn't you like to know, Ms Black," I said wickedly. "As such, a similar claim cannot be made about you."
She flushed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh really? The amount of times I came upon you and a variety of boys, engaged in-"
She interrupted me. "Just why did you find us so many times? Were you following me?" I could hear the suspicion in her voice.
"Oh please," I snorted in disbelief. "As if I had nothing better to do than to follow some hormonal teenagers around. No."
"Then why?"
I sighed, giving up. "As much as it may surprise you, I wasn't particularly fond of my fellow pupils, even my Slytherin house mates. I found that they were too arrogant for their own goods. To have arrogance without just cause is worthy of utter contempt. Anyhow, we didn't get along too well. So I did my studying outside... not in the Slytherin Common Room. As luck would have it, I was often an unwanted witness in some truly eyebrow-raising teenage affection."
"Oh come on Snape. Teenagers are that way. Surely you must have-"
She looked at me, her head turned to one side. "Perhaps not," she muttered.
"Oh please," I smirked arrogantly, "don't consider me too much of a virgin."
She frowned. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
I pretended to consider. "You know, Ms Black, I don't really see why I should tell you something that I don't want to. After all, it's a private subject and I don't want to disclose my personal affairs."
She grimaced as she recognised - more or less - her own earlier words. She resumed her previous work.
I looked at her writing on the parchment, and suddenly an unfamiliar feeling swept through me. I swallowed nervously.
"Ms- Ms Black, my handkerchief?"
She looked up, took a moment to register what I had saying and then said: "Oh... of course. It's a bit wet..."
I shook my head. "I can dry it."
She came to me, with the cloth held in her hand. I reached out to take it from her, but just as I did so, I felt a stirring in my navel. Without thinking about what I was doing, I stepped forward, reached for the handkerchief, and in the same moment and movement, pulled her toward me, enveloping her in my arms.
"Let us see which of us is the better kisser, shall we Ms Black?" I muttered hurriedly and before I could stop myself, I had brought my lips on to hers. What to say?
It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
To hold Pétale, to have her little body ensconced in my own, to have her safely in my arms, produced a sensation that was truly singular and remarkable. This was how it felt to be with the one that you loved, I thought to myself.
I truly felt content. To have that woman in the world, who was meant for me, in my arms, safely protected was a feeling beyond description. I could smell her sweet jasmine smell again, and I drew her closer to me, hardly aware of what I was doing or whom I was doing it to.
And then came the physical sensation. The stirring, unfamiliar feeling intensified sharply, and I inhaled in pleasure. I could feel her lips - soft and yielding against my own. I could feel her feminity against my body. I loved the heat from her. And I wanted more. So much more, knowing simultaneously that it was impossible.
And then I pulled apart, somehow exhausted. I could hear her panting, and I realised that I was breathing heavily too. Without thinking, I put my forehead against hers, my eyes closed, breathing deeply. I still held her loosely in my arms.I didn't want to let her go.
