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Chapter 9
"I should have thought about Pétale before carelessly carrying out my desires. But I didn't force her... at all. I knew, somehow, inexplicably, that she had wanted it to happen as much as I did. I knew that there was no way she could have thought may holding her in my arms, the deep kiss we had shared as anything but the beautiful things that they really were. And I knew, from the connection we had that she had thought them beautiful, that she had not wanted them to end, that she had wanted more to happen.
For a few moments we stood in each other's arms, breathing heavily, our foreheads touching. I could feel her small, hot hand on my arm; the contact sent shivers through me.
A line had been crossed. For all my reassurances that the thunderbolt meant nothing, I had been lying. And it was the same for her as well. There was no way an intense experience like that could mean nothing. From the moment that I had realised who she was, her importance in my life, and that she would always play a part in that life... an intense and deep longing had arisen in me. What I had said was true... I wasn't as... 'innocent'... as she made me out to be, but I had never had such a deep, real connection with a woman before. And it had made me yearn for a relationship - a long-lasting, strong, true relationship - that I had never experienced before. Alas, Headmaster, fate is not without a sense of cruelty.
A few moments of silence, and then she spoke. "Snape... Severus..." she said my name for the first time. "I... I... can't..." Her moist breath washed over my face.
I didn't let her go. Didn't want to. "Why not?" I whispered, my eyes clothed, my breathing much calmer.
I could feel her squirm. Finally, I opened my eyes, and looked at her. There were red patches on her cheeks, and her whole face was flushed and moist. A few strands of her hair clung to her forehead.
"I... I'm..." she hesitated, then decided it was better to just say what was on her mind. "I'm engaged, Severus."
I didn't register. "I'm sorry?"
"I am. I'm going to be married soon."
The revelation was so stunning, so huge and immense that I couldn't say anything for a few moments. I simply looked at her, and realised that she was telling the truth, and that I would have to accept the monstrosity of it. But... why? an intimate part of my mind thought. My heart was pounding in my ears as I looked at her.
"When... how... who?" I croaked.
She bit her lower lip. It was reddened. "We went to Hogwarts together," she wasn't looking at me. "His name is Remus."
I groaned, experiencing a sinking sensation in my stomach. "Lupin?"
She nodded, looking anywhere but me.
You're in love with her aren't you Sevy boy? That same intimate part of me whispered in a harsh voice. You never thought you would ever feel this way... never with this woman especially, but you've fallen in love with her... just like that... no reason... you fool. I clenched my fists and teeth together, trying to block out the voice. But it wouldn't stop. And you think you would ever have a chance with the likes of her? You! You, Severus Snape - cold, aloof, unfriendly, unlovable - you think you could ever make the pure soul in front of you, fall for you?
Another feebler voice answered: But... I know she wanted that kiss...
Oh please, boy, don't be ridiculous. Do you think a woman like that could ever love a man like you? You've shared the thunderbolt... so what? Doesn't change anything... you should know that... She's getting married to a werewolf...
I hung my head in shame. It was all true! Oh Lord... it was all true. And it stung.
There were so many things I wanted to say. How Lupin was a worthless coward who didn't even fulfill his Prefect duties, how he was a werewolf, how he couldn't be trusted... but my mouth was suddenly dry, and I couldn't form the words.
"When... when are you going to..."
"Two months."
"Two months..." I echoed in disbelief. Two months, Sevy... and then she'll be out of your reach for ever... not that she was ever in your reach! What do you know about women? Or love? You really think she'd ever marry you?
I blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the haze that was blinding me. There was a fierce internal battle raging within me, but all I could say was: "And... and you love this man?"
She flushed, hesitated and then looked straight at me. The answer to that question was written all over her face. I could see glistening moisture on her eyelashes - which cast shadows on her cheeks.
The feebler voice within me grew in strength and confidence. You see...? She doesn't love him...! How can she? I'm her soul mate... Maybe she loved him once... but not after we shared the thunderbolt...
But its opponent was firm and persistent as ever. Doesn't matter, Sevy boy... doesn't change a thing, does it? She's still engaged to him. Still planning to marry him. Now if she really loved you, why on earth would she marry another man?
But maybe... if we had one chance, maybe it could work-
Now, now, Sevy... don't get your hopes up. You haven't realised how different you are from this woman? How nearly everything you do, or think, or believe is at odds with her?
Doesn't matter... love conquers all...
You silly, pathetic fool. Maybe in fairy tales, Snape... not in the real world.
Again, it was true. And again it hurt. I gripped the edge of a table to keep myself standing. How could this be happening? How could I see my whole life stretching before me... empty without her? A barren wasteland.
"And you believe you will be happy with him?" Why was I asking her this? Why wasn't I down on my feet begging her to stay with me?
She nodded again. But I knew that she was lying. There was no way she could possibly be happy with Lupin when she didn't belong to him. Her whole soul, her whole being was mine, and she knew that as well as I did.
You see, you see! She won't be happy with him; she's mine; she'll only ever be happy with me, and she knows it, as well as you.
Don't make me laugh, Sevy boy. I don't think you quite understand... if she wanted to stay with you... she would. But, she isn't. I think that sort of hints that she can't stand the sight of you.
But I know... if I ask her to stay, she will.
Oh really? I could hear the disbelief and scorn in the pain-rending voice. Are you so sure? Do you really think so?
Of course... But I could detect a hint of hesitation.
I think you're grasping at straws, Sevy. I think you know it isn't going to happen.
"You've still decided to go through with it after all that has happened Pétale?" It was unconscious. But that was the first time I said her name. Such a beautiful name if one thought about it. It meant 'petal' and she was... sweet-smelling, fragile, lovely... I could see her lips trembling. I placed a gentle finger on them, tracing their soft, feminine outline. Oh how soft! Say no, Pétale... say no.
She looked at me. I could see the pain in her large, brown eyes. She was torn in two, I could see. "I... I... yes..." she whispered, closing her eyes in her agony, large tears sliding down her face.
And there you go Sevy boy. Clear as crystal. There's your answer. There's your love... tossed back at your heart like knives, shredding it to pieces. Still keen on love, eh?
But how could she? Why would she want to? What on earth could persuade her to do something that was so wrong?
"But why?" I managed to whisper. And then a third voice spoke up in my brain; a strong resilient one that silenced the two others. Severus, you know the answer to that don't you?
And I did. She was marrying Lupin because she had foreseen - rather accurately I suppose - that she didn't have a future with me. I wasn't a ... "family man" as the saying go. Love is all well and good, but it doesn't put the proverbial bread on the table. But she could have given you a chance, Sevy; you could have changed... I could hear the harsh voice again.
And then the strong voice spoke. Of course, Severus, you could have changed... but are you going to sacrifice her wellbeing, her safety... because of a possibility?
But it's Lupin, Sevy boy... Lupin... the werewolf...
I had never liked the man at Hogwarts. The number of times he had turned a blind eye when his friends where attacking me was monumental. And he was a werewolf.
Severus... Severus, it will hurt, Severus. But you know what the right thing to do is.
"It is better if you go now Pétale. I couldn't... couldn't... bear to see you... after this..." I whispered gruffly, my throat feeling as though someone had scraped it with dragon skin. Hot, blinding tears of pain slid down my face as I thought of the emptiness I was suffering and would suffer.
She nodded, the tears also pouring down her face.
And finally, I snapped. I sprang forward, and pulled her to me again, and buried my head in her hair, and inhaled deeply. Yes! For so long I had wanted this. I could feel her small frame wracked in deep sobs. And I held her. For the last time in my life I held her.
"Oh Snape..." she murmured, her small face buried in my shoulder.
The harsh voice spoke up again: Really want to let go of her Sevy? Can't you imagine the life you'll live without her? Don't you know you're nothing without her? And she's nothing without you? Why Sevy? Why deny yourself what you both want?
Be silence! Be gone! Let it be! The strong voice commanded, and I heard no more.
And I murmured in her ear: "Why Ms Black, why do you cry so?" The truth of the matter was that I knew why she was crying. I knew - I know - how it felt for your heart to be breaking, bit by bit. "You are a truly vibrant person Pétale," I said, the pain obvious in my voice. "I would never have thought that I would experience something that was so wonderful with you. But I'm glad I did. I know I'll never meet another like you, I don't want to either... and I know I'll be miserable without you, but... I know you'll be happy with Lupin... and after a while, you'll forget me..."
"You think?" she said, her disbelief all too clear even though her voice was muffled.
I wiped a hand over my eyes. "I wish for you to walk through that door and not come back. Once inside the circular room, drink some of the Invisibility Potion in your locket and go from here. And don't worry, the bottles have a Replenishing Charm on them... they'll refill from my personal stock when they're empty. Now go."
I clutched her tightly, briefly pressed my lips against her tender mouth and turned from her, releasing her.
She said briefly: "I'll never forget you Severus Snape."
And with that she was gone.
For a few moments I stood there, blinded by the tears that fell onto my cheeks. And then... it finally struck. It finally came and slapped me, like Pétale had slapped me once before. The revelation that I would probably never see her again. That when I did, she would be Lupin's wife, and that I could never hold her in the same way as I had just done. And with that revelation, such a strong wave of heartache, of impending desolation and loneliness swept over me, that I fell to my knees.
What was life without my other half?
It was like trying to go through life with half a body, with half a soul. It couldn't be done.
And I saw my whole life stretching before me... one whole life of barren desolation.
I have never seen her since.
o.o.o
"My story comes to a quick end. I fell into misery and despair. I was suffering from a broken heart; depression and saw nothing left but darkness ahead of me.
I jumped willingly when Lucius Malfoy paid a visit and told me about the Death Eaters of the Dark Lord. In my grief, in my pain, the way he described his fellow... companions seemed to me to be a wonderful thing. He called it a 'brotherhood of freedom fighters,' resisting the corrupted wizard government from their impurity and whatnot.
I had no will left to refuse, and the pain I was feeling was nearly driving me insane. I accepted his offer.
The next few months of my life, I have no wish to share with anyone. Their recollection would drive me to end my life. But you know well what happened on the night of the prophecy. After that, you know everything. So twenty years I have lived... not too much, and yet I have experienced too much to be called young. Darkness, defeat, heartache and heartbreak, deceit, murder... The result, Headmaster, sits before you now."
Snape stopped talking; his voice portraying the anguish he had been feeling. There was a deep and profound silence. Dumbledore wiped his eyes. He spoke, and his voice betrayed the sadness he felt: "Thank you Severus. Thank you for sharing this most sacred tale. But come... it is late. We shall go."
With that the two men stood up, and moved outside the room, the fire long since dimmed.
If one were to see them from the distance, one would see a tall, thin, old man, his head lowered in thought, and another slightly shorter man, considerably younger. The latter was walking as if he had had to carry the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. Both projected an air of subdued sadness. Both would, in a few years, play a considerable part in the fate of the wizarding world.
o.o.o
Severus Snape woke up. The recollection of these memories had stirred that same, old pain within him. He stirred, and stretching his arms, looked at the huge cauldron in front of him.
With a start he sat up, as he saw the sight that greeted him.
