I remember everything.
I wish I didn't.
"Morpheus, I couldn't save Trinity. I couldn't even mourn; there was no time, no time at all because I had to save Zion. And it hurts, Morpheus, it hurts." I said calmly, through teeth that are locked together as emotional pain starts to well up within me.
The agony was bottomless.
"I know, Neo. We found the Logos and Trinity. Her body—she's back at Zion. I'm sorry." Morpheus said, looking steadily at me, his own grief for Trinity clear on his face.
Seeing his sorrow doubles my own, and I fought for control. "I could talk to Trinity about anything except one thing: her death. Whenever the subject came up, I just---froze. It just hurt so bad. And now--now we'll never talk to each other again."
"It's funny. I could talk to Trinity about anything except for one thing, her death. Whenever the subject came up, I'd immediately talk about my own. I always assumed I would be the first one to die. After all, since the hallway, I had a little practice."
Morpheus becomes still, his expressionless face radiating concern behind shades that tells me I'm barely coherent and babbling, a fact that's only a distant concern.
"I had dreams of her dying in the matrix and I was able to save her. Why didn't I dream of her death at 01?" More importantly, why didn't I insist on her staying behind? I felt my control slip a little further from my grasp.
"Neo, your hands." Morpheus said, and I brought them up in response.
My hands had been tightly clenched and as I looked at them I saw the trickles of blood on them. Straightening my fingers I saw where my nails had cut into my palm, four small half-moons filled with blood in each palm.
"I didn't notice." It was a minor surprise, easily forgotten against the growing bottomless scream that was building up within me. A scream that once started I could never stop. A need to scream that began at Trinity's death.
How did I handle my pain, my grief before?
"Do you know that when Trinity died I wanted to cry, but couldn't because my eyes were gone, literally burned out. And now that I can cry, a part of me doesn't think I deserve too, so again--- I can't cry." Even as I speak my vision blurs, making my statement a lie as my control is at the breaking point.
And remembered.
A vision of cables, powerlines passing by at incredible speeds and I flew above them; and another vision of the place it led to, machine city 01. Seeing the merciless, pitiless face of Deus Ex Machina glowing with a golden fire that suddenly changed into code.
And my grief is distant, bearable. It was as if my emotions had somehow been repressed, or diverted.
Morpheus speaks, but I don't hear it as my attention is caught by the expression on Smith's face as he grabs my arm.
A look of rage, mingled with fear as he glared at me.
"Stop what you have done! Stop it this instant!" He snarls at me.
And I don't understand, until the rain starts to fall, rain from skies that was sunny moments before.
Rain from skies like the one in our last battle.
The rain pours.
>>>>>>>>
Morpheus had quietly watched as Zion's savior fell apart. It had been disturbing on many levels to see Neo's grief for Trinity. Neo's eyes were two windows of agony, bright with unshed tears as he closed them, obviously fighting for control over his misery.
In the momentary pause, Morpheus decided to speak.
"Neo, there is something I should—" he said, until stopped by surprise. The uncontrolled sorrow on Neo's face was gone, leaving it serene, mask-like. The Zionist stared, unsettled by the abrupt change in his friend.
Smith leaped forward, grabbing Neo's arm and yelled into his face. Morpheus stepped forward in alarm, unsure if he should interfere. Neo shrugged off the ex-agent grasp, ignoring the other, his face curiously blank.
Something hit Morpheus on the top of his crown. In reflex he absently ran his hand over his head and peered upward, astonished at what he saw. The sky was black with rain clouds. A sky that seconds before was sunny, and clear. A deluge of water followed the single drop, a steady rain that soaked everything in seconds.
"This can't… it's impossible." Morpheus breathed.
"Impossible? Is it really?" Smith said with lethal mockery, rain dripping down his face as he turned away from Neo. "No, not quite. And it is Mr. Anderson's responsibility."
"Just what are you implying, Smith?" Morpheus said, spearing a fierce glance at him.
"I imply nothing. I simply state a fact: your savior, Neo--- is causing the rain."
"I don't believe it!"
"Then make clear to me the limits of Neo's abilities. Clarify what he can't affect in the matrix. Better yet, have Mr. Anderson explain." Smith said gesturing to the other. During the argument, Neo had stood quietly, face tilted upward and eyes closed as rain splattered against his face. Hearing his name, he stirred and opened his eyes.
"He's right Morpheus. I did cause this rain. I don't know how, but I did it once before." Neo said, avoiding his gaze. Alarms began to ring within Morpheus. The only time possible for this event was Smith's and Neo' last battle, the battle only the participants witnessed.
"Can you stop it?"
Silence. The living statue of Agent Brown stood just behind Neo, a macabre background feature in the scenery. At Brown's feet, a shivering Jones was an anonymous lump in the downpour.
"Neo…" Morpheus said. Neo turned and locked gazes with him, until Morpheus looked away, disturbed for a reason he couldn't name. While expressionless, something about Neo seemed---wrong, tormented. Neo was grieving for Trinity, yet this seemed to be something more. But what?
"No." Neo said, "I---can't."
"We'll find a way." Morpheus said gently.
"I'll handle this---problem, myself." Smith said as he stared Neo, making the meaning clear. Neo stared back at the program, his eyes remote, and strangely resigned. The look chilled Morpheus.
"No." Morpheus said, voice crisp, decisive. "You have helped enough, Smith. We'll deal with this, by ourselves if need be." Grasping Neo's shoulder, he tried to urge him to start walking away from the ex-agent. Neo did not move, his attention focused on his enemy.
"It's not your decision, Morpheus." Smith replied. "It's Neo's."
"Smith's right. It is mine." Neo echoed quietly. He absently ran his fingers through his hair, unmindful of the rain soaking it. "It must stop now."
Morpheus grimaced, hearing the undertones. Freedom or death.
"I insist." Smith said. "If not stopped soon, the matrix will be destroyed."
"What!" Morpheus said sharply, wheeling to glare at the program. "Why do you say that?"
"Check the code of the matrix, Morpheus." Smith said, breaking the staring contest to glance at the Zionist. "Ask your operator if the whole system is being affected by this 'storm.' If it's happening as I sense, it will become worse, until everything is fragmented and destroyed."
"The matrix, destroyed? By what, rain? A flood?" Morpheus said, skepticism coloring his voice.
"Among other things." Smith said. "I would suggest you observe."
Lightning ripped across the sky, its core a golden light while the branches were the green of the matrix, a jagged wound that tainted the gray sky. Thunder that followed seemed reassuringly normal, yet in its aftermath, Morpheus thought he heard whispering crackles, the sound of electric generators near overload.
Morpheus stared upward at the sky, his face impassive behind his spectacles. Then awkwardly using his right hand to reach over to his overcoat's left pocket he pulled out his cell phone. "Link? I need for you to check how far this storm is affecting the matrix."
>>>>>>>>
I watched Morpheus on the phone, as he spoke in hurried, sharp tones, something I've never heard from him before. Every once in a while he'd shoot a quick glance my way, concern and fear evident despite his impassive face.
He had a reason to fear, to be concerned about me.
I felt broken, shattered, as if something had been ripped out of me, and then those pieces that left are…changed. Different. Dying.
Something's broken, and wrong with me, and Morpheus senses and fears it. Despite having my memories returned, knowledge of who I am has not helped in the least, and in truth, made it worse. Somehow, the return of my memories had accelerated this change, this…death.
What is most disturbing is that while I should be afraid, I'm not, and in fact don't feel anything at all except the most distant of emotions.
A part of me is dying, and had been for a long time. I knew it in the hallway, when Smith shot me, and I felt it occur for a second every time I touched the matrix and bent the rules.
Yet I never understood until it until the end. Until the moment I found myself rain drenched and broken, as Smith stood triumphant over me, my mind ringing with the Oracle's words. Beginning and End.
My connection to the matrix was deeper than I thought or believed. As was Smith's.
Remembering all this, I closed my eyes and reached out to the storm. It was as if all that made me human was in the storm, and within its embrace I felt my grief and pain, all the emotion I felt for Trinity's loss, fueling its power. And in that turmoil I felt colder, darker threads. Other thoughts.
Smith.
Opening my eyes, I found Smith directly in front of me, watching me. The rain poured steadily down all this time, and I watched it drip from his face, and his black, black shades. "Do, you feel it, Anderson? The power, the connection?"
I nod. "Are you going to kill me, Smith?" While I don't feel any fear, neither do I want Morpheus to hear this conversation.
It was then the ex-agent smiled, and said with cold mockery. "It depends. Perhaps I will, perhaps I will not. Aren't you afraid?"
"No. I've never been afraid. Not of dying. I am curious though. If you planned to kill me, why return my memories?"
"Isn't it obvious?" For a second I see his emotionless rage. Then a thin smile, "Still not using the one muscle that matters? Very well, let me be clear. To obliterate you, would mean my own destruction, Mr. Anderson. The Oracle's memories made that quite clear, along with personal experience. Death is an event I have no intention in participating again. No, far from it."
"But neither am I interested in being taken captive by the mainframe. Without your memories, you would have no reason to escape the matrix or the Architect. To leave you as a 'agent' of the system, would have insured my eventual capture, by you." And then Smith grins.
I smiled back, finding the irony, funny. As the humor touches me, for one second the rain stops, and with it returned the horror and grief of Trinity's death crashes over me, literally stunning me. I staggered, grabbing my head, as the emotions quickly recede.
The rain starts to fall again. I watched it fall to patter on Smith's black shoes, and kept my gaze lowered. Sloshing footsteps are herald to brown boots, and stopped as it neared me.
"Neo." Morpheus is standing in front of me, side by side with Smith. "Are you all right?"
Sighing, I lifted up my head to answer. Several smart-ass remarks rose in my throat, to be throttled by Morpheus', look of concern. I settled for a silent shake of my head.
"It's perfectly clear that neither Mr. Anderson or the matrix are 'all right,' and the situation has made a turn for the worst." Smith said.
The light in the matrix was a visible green, and a low hum was audible in the rain.
"Thank you Mr. Obvious, I can see that." Morpheus snapped.
"The name is Smith, ex-agent Smith." He said blandly, too blandly.
I cracked up, laughing. It wasn't really funny, but the knowledge that they could argue about trivial things with death only moments away was, and sent me into hysterics.
As I laughed, several things happened at once. I felt completely whole, alive. The matrix' sky suddenly cleared, one moment gray skies, the next sunny with scattered clouds though water still dripped from everything.
Then as before, the emotions of grief arrived like a tsunami. Aching loss filled and overwhelmed my mind but before I could shove the emotion away, Smith's hand lashed out, grabbing my wrist. Startled, I saw darkness flare from Smith, a dark that engulfed me, and caused a second of bright pain.
tbc
Next: Rabbit Hole Realities
