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Chapter 2

-xXx-

"I can't wait! I want my Holy Grail now!" The Emperor was throwing a childish tantrum.

"Perhaps we should search the planet, My Master," Vader suggested. "The bounty hunter has probably...died or something."

"You're right," Palpatine agreed.

So they rode a shuttle down to The Mysterious Planet That Is So Secret Not Even Boba Fett Knows Its Name Because It Is Very Secret. Palpatine took:

Many stormtroopers with names like Bob, Trevor, and George.

Darth Vader the Brave.

Admiral Piett the Pure.

Captain Needa the not-quite-as-pure-as-Admiral-Piett (who nearly caught the Millennium Falcon and nearly stood up to the vicious Ewok of Endor, who nearly took command of the SSD Lusankya, and who personally wet his pants delivering a report to Lord Vader).

And the aptly named Lieutenant Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic.

They decided that the best way to find the Holy Grail would be to split up and search the planet.

-xXx- THE TALE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE -xXx-

Emperor Palpatine and a random bunch of stormtroopers were walking through the countryside when the Emperor saw a castle. Not a big-ass castle like Castle Vong or anything, but he figured it might be a good place to start looking for the Holy Grail.

"Old woman!" Palpatine called out to a person he saw nearby.

"Man," the person said, turning, and Palpatine saw that it was indeed a man.

"Man. I'm sorry," Palpatine said, without really being sorry. "Old man, what sort of person lives in that nice castle over there?"

"I'm only thirty-seven...I'm not old."

"Well," Palpatine was beginning to get irked, "I can't just say, 'Hey, man!'"

"What I object to is automatically being treated as an inferior..." the man continued without missing a beat.

"Well, I am the Emperor," Palpatine shrugged.

"Oh, that's very nice. Emperor, is it?" The man was very sarcastic. "I expect you've got a bunch of starships and planets and nice expensive food and such. And how'd you get it? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialistic, militaristic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress..."

Another random person popped up, probably the wife of the psychotic liberal man. "Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here...Oh hello."

"Hello, my good lady," Palpatine decided to get an answer by being polite, so he could get away from Dennis and his lunacy. "I am Emperor Palpatine. Could you tell me who lives in that castle?"

"Emperor? Of what?" the woman demanded, ignoring his question.

"The Empire, of course!"

"Who's the Empire?"

"All of us," Palpatine was by now quite bewildered, and starting to get angry. "We are all citizens of the Empire, and I am your ruler, Emperor Palpatine!"

"I didn't vote for you," the woman interrupted.

"You don't vote for Emperors!" Palpatine snapped.

"Ha! I knew it! We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes are exploited or forgotten!" Dennis exclaimed. "So, how'd you become Emperor?"

"Darth Plagueis(sp?) the Wise, having imparting to me the Secret of Eternal Life, told me that I was destined to become the galaxy's greatest Sith, and died. I then was free to pursue my dream of an absolute governing body, free of corruption, of scandal..." Palpatine was getting into his glories-of-the-Empire speech. He could have gone on forever, "...ruled by the almightily wise Sith, and free of the scheming Jedi..."

"-Look, the idea of ancient geezers telling fortunes is not a strong basis for a system of government..."

"Shut up!" Palpatine yelled, pissed at being interrupted.

"I mean, if I went around saying I was a sultan just because some elderly chap screamed, 'Conquer the world!' at me, they'd put me away..."

"Shut up!" Palpatine blasted Dennis with his Force Lightning. "Shut up! Shut up!"

Dennis writhed around a little, then gasped weakly, "There...there's the violence...inherent...in the system...Come see! ...He's repressing me!"

Palpatine looked around and saw a bunch of peasantsrunning towards them, waving pitchforks. He swore most foully, and instructed three of his stormtroopers to stay behind and slaughter them. Their names were Trevor, Michael, and Nicholas. FYI:Trevor liked cookies, Michael loved starships, and Nicholas was obsessed with swallows.

Then the Emperor rode out on his speeder bike.

-xXx-BOBA FETT MEETS ROGER THE SHRUBBER-xXx-

Meanwhile... Boba Fett was searching for a shrubbery to present to the Jedi Knights Who Say 'Ni!'. He was not having much luck.

"Do you know where I can get a shrubbery? ...Do YOU know where I can get a shrubbery? ...Do YOU know where I can get a shrubbery? ..."

No one seemed to know...or care...or be able to keep their wits about them long enough before collapsing and screaming, "Don't hurt meeeee!"

Eventually Boba was struck by the idea that maybe he should take his scary armor off...but decided not to. No one sees the face of Boba Fett and lives. Except all those random people on Kamino. And Geonosis. Not to mention Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Finally he saw a sign saying, "Shrubberies at low prices!" Boba made his way over to the shrubbery shop. All he had to do was pull out his blaster and gesture at the various shrubberies for sale before the shopkeeper (named Roger the Shrubber) fainted in terror, allowing Boba to grab a healthy-looking specimen and get out.

COMING NEXT TIME WE UPDATE: The Tale of Darth Vader, The Tale of Boba Fett, Luke Skywalker, the FBI, and more!